Dependence

I decided at the beginning of the most recent summer that I would truly start living out a plea, calling my life's author to do as He will, despite my plans, no matter what exactly that meant for my future. Looking back, leaving things to the Lord has brought unexpected, wonderful opportunities I could have never planned for on my own.

I am constantly reminded of His faithfulness and grace to those who trust Him. 

The kids at work often tell each other, "you get what you get & you don't throw a fit." I found myself wanting to throw a "fit"as I entered into what seemed like a period of silence as I patiently awaited feedback after applying for various post-grad positions. I refrained from the hypothetical tantrum because I knew that He would do as He has planned, despite me, just as I had asked of Him and that ultimately, I wanted His story more than I wanted to write my own.

I started praying for really specific things, a tool I learned in a small group I was in this semester and I started feeling an overwhelming sense of peace about exactly where I was supposed to be.

Our God is a God of clarity, not uncertainty or fear. 

He does not deny us delightful things. He isn't dangling these great opportunities in front of us to make us feel as though we are inadequate. He purposely shields us from getting things prior to His perfect timing so that our dependence on Him grows. 

I closed my eyes, took a step that felt risky, and awoke before a welcoming door that urgently drew me toward it. 

Now, I am walking through, with divine discernment, an excited heart, and a dependence that will move mountains to create the adventure of a lifetime. 

Showers of Faithfulness

As I sit in a waiting period of life I am reminded of a seemingly impossible prayer I had been convicted of and prayerful about a few years ago. I remember how scared I was of rejection, of not getting accepted into this particular opportunity, while simultaneously, trying to fight back joy just thinking forward to potentially getting it.

That time it was applying for A&M. I wasn't guaranteed scholarships or admission, I was promised nothing at all and that's exactly what I heard for weeks-- nothing. I just felt a deep desire to transfer there so, I applied. I can remember playing the what-if I get in vs. what if I don't game in my head through what seemed like a lifetime of waiting. I even bought an A&M window decal and switched it in the company of a close friend. We stopped right after and simply prayed, God, please make this into a reality...but if you don't I'll still trust you, I'll just have to change my car sticker again. But He made it happen. I got in. I remember checking online every single day in anxiousness for news, any news, hopefully good. & eventually, I got it. I was painfully patient and He saw it through. I laugh now and I can barely remember what it felt to wait at all.

He was faithful.

I have not forgotten His faithfulness,

even now

while

I sit again, having turned in all the paperwork, done the interviews, submitted the references, set my heart on one opportunity in-particular but glad for the option of applying to several, just in case.

I have seen doors I figured as a possible future close before my eyes ...but I don't feel hurt. Now I recognize that I had no emotional ties to grad school at this point in time but when I think of ministry, I have joy in hearing back again. I have hope and I can clearly call out the lies of evil that creep in to manipulate certain feelings of fear into my system. I know Truth more intimately than ever before and I have testimony of His faithfulness to me, I am constantly comforted by it.

& I know just like before, this waiting period will be soon forgotten because His faithfulness with flood in again, just like acceptance into A&M, just like always.

And if it doesn't look exactly like I'd hoped it would, I know how this story ends. I know He is victorious and that I am a co-heir with Christ. I know that He is faithful and I have an eternity to look forward to with Him. I know that in the meantime, He will shower blessings upon those who are willing to serve Him. I am willing and hopeful and He will see it through, I'm sure of it.

Sweet Truth

You know when someone says something sweet that catches you off-guard?

I have the greatest pleasure to work for an A&M affiliated program that allows me to work with over 50 elementary aged students as their "Aggie teacher" after school.

One little girl decided to join our spelling group today as we practiced reading sight words who was not in our usually clan. They were all sitting too close to me, some even on top of my folded feet or leaning against my trapped arms. I constantly tell them to back up a little so I can be mobile again but that is not a popular idea there when I am outnumbered rarely less than 1:10. So, without using arms I attempt to direct these huge personalities in tiny bodies to do something productive instead of argue over who gets to sit next to me, etc.

In the midst of this chaos, the newest girl with her sweet braided pigtails, purple rimmed glasses, crooked smile, kindergarten-tied-scarf, childlike giggle, peeks up at me and whispers, "I really like you. You have a kind heart."

For a moment I think the entire world stopped--not only because I was impressed by her choice of words for the mere age of 5, but also because that could have been the single, most thoughtful thing anyone has said to me, ever.

 After lots of sad goodbye's, pleas for me to stay later, and numerous (& welcomed!) hugs, I departed for the day. On the drive home the comment kept replaying in my head. I have always admired the filter-less character of children. They say absolutely anything that they think, whether it is gentle or not. They say it to each other, they say it to strangers, they say it to close friends, and they say it to me.

Just a few weeks ago for drug-free red ribbon week it was pajama day, I jokingly pulled my hair out of it's carelessly tied up bun, waved it around and laughingly asked a few kids if I looked like Sleeping Beauty, to which they shouted, "NO!"....again, no filter.

But now, this.

I end today thankful for truth and urge us, as a society, as people who like to hear positive things--simply, speak truth.

Speak sweet truths aloud. They could make a bigger, more lasting impact than you imagine.

Dream a Little Dream

As I stand less than six weeks away from my college graduation, I keep thinking this is the moment I've waited for my whole life. Taylor Swift says, "it's miserable and magical at the same time" because, well, it is at 22, 23, for life in general...

Then it hits me, this isn't something I simply sat around around and waited for. I dreamed of going off to college as a little girl and consistently worked hard to achieve it despite the odds, despite the hardships, despite any obstacle that stood in my way. I worked hard, constantly prayed, and saw results. I had a dream and trusted that God would see it through to it's completion, which He did.

Now I stand at the end and I think up dreams beyond this dream, of what comes next, hopes for a future. A dream usually feels like something so far down the road and out of reach that it is almost made-up but now this dream is coming to a close and in its wake, opening a new uncertain chapter in life that is very real. That's what dreams do, they grow our character, teach us lessons, and allow us the pleasure and confidence to continue dreaming, knowing that that have the ability to become tangible things.

But the truth is I was afraid the day I walked into Texas A&M & I'll be afraid the day I walk out.

"Sooner or later we all discover that the important moments in life are not the advertised ones, not the birthdays, the graduations, the weddings, not the great goals achieved.  The real milestones are less prepossessing.  They come to the door of memory unannounced, stray dogs that amble in, sniff around a bit and simply never leave.  Our lives are measured by these."  ~Susan B. Anthony

So for as much time as we spend dreaming, let's spend building up firm foundations, empowering those up-comers behind us, and working hard toward the things we believe in.

Then after we've taken part in seemingly impossible things and watch in awe as they are set into motion, I hope random sweet opportunities will take us by surprise and remind us that we have a very small glimpse of a great plan & there is nothing impossible for He who set it before us.

Heart of Nomad

The other day I woke up and I was the eldest age I've ever been, twenty-three.

Now while some of you probably think that sounds young and that I'm being dramatic, hear me out.

Think back to when you were five--you couldn't wait to be six to start school. When you were nine, you were waiting to be ten because it was finally among the two-digit numbers. You couldn't wait to be thirteen, a teenager; or sixteen to drive. You couldn't wait to be eighteen because then you would finally be able to take responsibility for your life ...and your mistakes in that life. After twenty-one, life was measured by milestones: college graduation being the first among them (at least for me).

Somewhere in that timeline there is turning twenty-three. It just sneaks up on you and you feel as though your life as you once knew it, gone. Adulthood quickly attempts to steal the joy of the "college season".

All of a sudden all the dreams I had had for my future were stripped away from me. The car I once took pride in, temporary until post-grad when I can replace it with something newer, nicer, more reasonable. There I was, thinking about adult things.

I can't help but feel that my life is beginning all over again. I am a baby in the world, once more. There is fear and uncertainty and so many scary things, but there is also freedom and Faith and excitement, anxiousness for things I have worked toward my entire life long, to finally unfold as graduation approaches in a few short weeks.

So, I decided that I would do something about this future endeavor. I would sit down and write out my short term goals, my long term goals, the direction I'll pray that my life may go. I'll even write out my ideal financial situation and how I'll make ends meet out there in this world, on my own. Then I'll do whatever it takes to get there. I'll rid myself of all the clothes I've held onto that I "might wear again" but haven't in years, I'll throw away the papers I once needed for class, I'll move all of my belongings somewhere affordable, hopefully with a nice view. I'll keep moving, every single day toward the goals I have written and I won't look back because as soon as I do, my forward momentum will cease.

I'll live each day to the fullest, do things that scare me and go places I've never been. I'll make friends with strangers and call unknown places home. I'll get rid of things I thought I'd have forever and forgo the opportunity to settle down fresh out of college with some guy I knew my whole life, like so many before. I don't want the safe route, the one society says is best. I want my own story and I want the God that knows my nomad heart better than anyone else to write it. I trust that it will be worth while and that one day when I wake up, elder than even now, I'll have one heck of a story to tell.

Hugs, Tears, Ties, & Play

Today started rough with the kids.

During homework time they were very chatty and I had to split several friends up temporarily to get in a solid 30 minutes of productivity. So, I played the bad guy and laid down some seemingly fair ground rules.

"You can sit by your friends as long as you don't cheat, you whisper if you are helping each other, and you are getting your work done."

Not long after the rule reminder, the roar of chatting, yelling, fighting, whining, giggling, etc. started again. So, I walked around and gave "one last warning" before I asked individuals to move to a less tempting area. After the final warning there were a few that had the audacity to get loud and off-topic again so I stayed true to my word and asked them to move.

One little girl looked me straight in the eye and said, "No!" I was appalled. I stayed calm, however, and simply picked up her belongings from the table and moved it to an empty table a few feet away. She sat there and whined a little while before moving. I ignored her plea to stay and continued helping others.

Another teacher had overheard the situation, pulled the child aside after homework time, and asked her to apologize to me.

So, this little girl walks slowly up to me, sits beside me thinking I am naive to the reason for her approach, and starts bawling as she barely mutters the words, "I'm sorry". I gently rub her back and tell her that I care for her and want her to be successful in school, which requires her to be on task during homework time. I tell her that she is a good girl and it hurts my feelings when I know she can behave but she chooses not to. Then I hugged her, wiped her tears away, tied her shoes and we went outside to play together.

Reflecting on the day now, I am thankful that this situation mirrors how God treats me. He lays out guidelines before me, I see them, yet, often trail off, despite. Then I come ashamed before Him, knowing He is disappointed, but He hugs me and loves me and makes me aware of my true identity instead of the giving me the wrath I deserve.

The best part is that He doesn't send me on my way alone after He convicts me of whatever I have done against Him. He comes with me. He draws me near to Him, wipes my tears away, ties my shoes, and we go back out to play.

Life After College

Tonight I started a new kind of class. I was emailed an address that led me to a random cul-de-sac in College Station, Texas to meet other Aggie seniors floating in the same boat as I currently find myself: quickly approaching graduation. We were welcomed into this immaculate home with walls full of windows by an elder couple who kindly greeted us, gave us name tags, offered desserts, then sat us down and encouraged us to share life experiences/goals for our lives in front of the group.

Funny how quickly you open up to people when there is chocolate involved. 

It was incredibly heartwarming to watch the couple interact with one another. They shared the story of how they met, their engagement, God's faithfulness, Army travels, and finally the bliss of the last 3o-something years of marriage. They joked about how the Mrs. initially asked the Mr. out instead of the traditional virtue of patience and laughed about how none of that mattered anymore as we youngins all just looked on in adoration of their obvious bond. She rubbed his back as he spoke of his past and he told us that she "lit up" his life. They spoke fondly of each other, naturally, without trying, and it was quite a sight that touched everyone in the room.

We went around the circle of couches one by one, introducing ourselves and saying why we had signed up to be in this particular study and what we hoped to get out of it.

When it came to be my turn I'm sure I had something witty to say but now, thinking back, I know the reason I have looked forward to this study. I signed up simply to be growing under a couple who has lived through the things they are teaching. I want to hear about marriage bliss or job hunting, or community. I want to hear of the woes and hardships and the live-in elderly mother sleeping in the room down the hall. I want to be told that it wasn't easy but trusting and pursuing God individually and together made it all worthwhile.

So after we each shared vulnerable pieces of our testimonies, the parts of our stories that occasionally have to be pried out of us because we aren't proud of them, we sat silently before a man who told us this:

"As a believer in Christ, you offer the world something special. You trust an everlasting God who will move mountains. You are valuable. I want you to leave this college experience with confidence, knowing we are there to answer any question you may have with honesty and knowing He has great things in store that are beyond what you can ever imagine. Your faith will change the world--leave here believing that!"

Suddenly, another bible study didn't seem like something else on an ambitious to-do-list. This living room became a place of safety, honesty, and encouragement and this couple-- sweet messengers of a powerful God, overflowing to a room full of eager, soon-to-be former college students.

I am so looking forward to the weeks ahead, Wednesday nights in-particular and plan to share as we go through various topics weekly, ultimately preparing us for 'Life After College'.

Stay tuned :)

Gray Spaces

I figured there would be a common trend at this point in my life. That we would all be seriously dating or entering into engagements with others we deemed significant. And while some of my friends are, I believe there is some gray space that is filled with the majority of young women I'm walking closely with.

The gray space has become some of my favorite space to venture through.

It's not a time that you have nobody to exclusively call your own. It's a time to love on many people, to pour into and invest your entire energy into things you're passionate about.

The gray spaces are there purposely to show us that there's no hurry to get anywhere fast, especially when you don't know exactly where you're going. A simple reminder that we don't have to have our lives strategically planned out, that a little Faith can go a long way.

I've spent the past few months trying to be someone who lives up to her own expectations before placing them on others, praying to stop wanting anything at all. I've spent the past few weeks letting someone slowly creep into my heart with silly questions and subtle sly grazes of a hand to a shoulder when we laugh really hard. I've spent the past few days feeling completely secure and thankful that for the first time in my life I am falling for a gorgeous, Godly, intelligent, witty, humble, genuine man without feeling like I'm in over my head or like it isn't mutual. I feel reassured not only in the words this man is joyfully speaking into my life but also an overwhelming assurance that my identity is still firmly rooted in the Lord, His plan, and His Truth more than anything else. As we travel forward learning to grow and encourage each other well, there is no pressure to get to any certain destination, only to glorify God well in whatever season we find ourselves in. & it's sweet & it's worth every day of tough patience to trust God in whatever may be next without forcing it to be so.

So, I encourage you to stop desiring things to find you while you stumble (blindly, at times) through this gray space and remember that there is only one thing that satisfies, one love that will always be true and perfect and let yourself be focused there before anywhere else.

Let the gray spaces remind you that there is goodness in all things and that there are lessons to be learned in this lack of plain black & white.

Don't get ahead of yourselves and just let whatever is present, linger. Have Faith that what is meant to be will reveal itself in the best timing because your God has only the best in store for you, even in time of gray spaces.

Living Now

"Patience is a virtue."

I like to say it jokingly. I like to say it out loud to hear it, myself.

I've got a newfound love for a song. It's lyrics go something like the following:

"Wake me up when it's all over
when I'm wiser and I'm older."

I don't agree at all. I don't want one moment to slip by without acknowledgement.
I don't want to miss this life.
I don't want to miss beginnings of sweet, warm, blossoming relationships.
I don't want to miss the small stresses of college that will indeed become ever smaller in the grand scheme.
I don't want to miss the dares or bucketlists or silly pranks.
I don't want to miss ONE SINGLE laugh or hug or smile.

So, I'll wake up early to be all there, at this point, right now.

I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world.

Don't wake me up later in life.

Let me live now.

Growth Group Credo

Sweet girls,

As the new semester kicks off and we all settle into our individual schedules, I have a few things I want you to know.

You are a valued member of a small group of women. It is a great pleasure for me to get to know each of your hearts and share in life with you as we study Ephesians together. I look forward to the many laughs I know we will have, the "real life" applications we will tackle, and the dynamics that will shape our group as a whole.

I hope that our Thursday night studies are something you come to anticipate with joy. I hope to help facilitate and mold our time together into a safe place that you are free to ask questions without fear of judgement. I pray that you will come to know your Maker by communing with other girls that are actively seeking to know Him more.

I want you to know that I come humbly before you not as anyone special. My identity does not lie in a title that calls me a leader, but in this truth: I was once broken by sin. I have been graciously redeemed by Jesus who paid my debt. I am now someone who deeply desires to serve you in love.

I want to be open to sharing tough things as a means to empathize with you. I hope you will be courageous enough to meet me there in vulnerability, even when it's hard. I hope we can encourage one another, as we are sharpened into more Godly women.

I want to love you well as a sister in Christ, a daughter of a King, and a fellow college student walking in a similar season of life.

I hope you will set aside a block each week devoted to preparation to make the best use of our limited time. I need you to expect to be asked challenging questions, that spur you to dig deeper, that keep you passionately seeking Truth inside and outside of our time together.

Before I ask what's next, I'll ask what's now. I want to know what God is teaching you, what you are struggling with, what brings you joy in life. I hope Emily and I can learn to guide you in your journey of Faith and offer support in any way that we can.

I'm looking forward to getting to know you, getting to mutually grow with you, & to rest in the belief that God is in the midst of doing mighty things and this semester is no exception.

:)

--Danielle

I can't Imagine...

My life has been so full of interesting turns lately, I've felt almost overwhelmingly thankful.

1. I went back to work. Technically, I've been working for the same program for years and continued my office duties throughout this summer but to go back to the elementary school and serve on the front lines of A&M's educational field, is so rewarding. There are moments with screaming children or bullied tears, the need for lots of encouragement and shiny sticker bribery, but I cannot imagine my college career without the confines of those kid-art-decorated walls. I can't imagine a life without the challenges or laughs that kids can bring to lives if we'll simply give them quality time. I can't imagine the compliments I'd have missed ("I always know when you're here, Ms. Fisher, because the room smells good.") or the ways they can break my heart in the gentlest of ways (Overhearing one child rub another's back and tell them not to cry). Ultimately, I can't imagine who I would be without the lessons those tiny contagious smiling people have taught me: patience, discipline, kindness, simplicity, selflessness. So many I carry into relationships far beyond this stage and hopefully onto my own children one day.

2. I am walking in this freedom of transition, the unknown journey between a few months until graduation before then, stepping into "real" life. I can't imagine being done with college, looking back on the place I stand now--how that feels. I have been consciously keeping myself in this moment, trying not to let it slip by too fast. I can't imagine having endured a more full college experience. I wouldn't trade one moment of it for anything else. I'm thankful that there was a plan by a God that went before me and made things good. I am anxious for all He will continue to do and all He is in the midst of doing right now.

3. As I sit back and watch the Lord's faithfulness in relationship aspects, I am completely at peace with my desire to say exactly how I'm feeling, even if it seems too quick or too risky. I can't imagine keeping things that are meant to be shared to myself for the sake of avoiding vulnerability. I want my words to be spoken in a genuine state, in a conscious effort to be an encouragement to another that will ultimately build a sturdy foundation for a potential relationship. Yes, I want to be pursued in a Godly manner (which requires lots of patience and prayer) but I also want to have the courage to say exactly what I mean or feel at the moment I want it to be shared. I don't want to be shaded by secrecy. It feels so wonderful to have someone who embraces speaking things out loud to one another and intentionally communicates to find reassuring common ground. I can't imagine settling for someone that has allowed room for insecurities instead of establishing the trust it takes to simply, be honest. I have definitely learned this lesson the hard way throughout college but I'm so glad that it is figured out now and so joyful to be progressing forward with someone who values that same trust and openness.

4. I am thankful for accountability. I am thankful for roommates, small groups, fellow leaders, friends, etc. who ask challenging questions. I can't imagine having a growth spurt of Faith without anyone spurring me forward. I have been impacted immensely through the time I have served at camps or churches or organizations or through community service that has continually refined my character and aligned my goals.

Ultimately, I am learning tons of things and relishing in many of the lessons I've learned throughout college. As it comes to a close, I am joyful and reminiscent of the past few years and all of the things that have helped shape me into who I am moving beyond this phase in life to whatever may come next.

I can only imagine...

Grad & Go

I have found myself wandering into rooms, completely forgetting what I need there, doing a few pirouettes (just to prove to myself I still can) and then wandering out, remembering seconds later what I had gone to get in the first place.

I don't want to be wandering about without purpose or memory. I don't want to be dancing beside the very thing that called me into action, then so easily forget it and quickly leave.

This can all be correlated to a quick approaching college graduation, I'm sure of it.

Because when I think of my future it doesn't include a fancy office with my name on the desk or any set thing, really. I've found myself falling more and more in awe of the unpaved path, of getting away to do something unusual, of rebelling against everything society tells us we should 'find in college' to explore something greater, instead.

I want to be far away from here, or close, or wherever I may be called to go with the reason I went in the first place in the forefront of my mind, perfectly clear. I want to be in tune with the mountains God is moving all around the world, to be part of His motion, and to be completely aware of the fact that although I have limitations--He does not.

I simply want to graduate & go...in the sweet name of Christ.

I want to learn about the world in order to learn about my Maker.

He promises unimaginable glory & He prevails & I am so glad He does.

Take This Life

Since I went on a Summer Project Mission to Asia, my life has not been the same.

In fact, I remember so clearly the excitement of running through various airports or being delayed 10 hours on our journey there; Tickets, security lines, bag checks, passports, international identification questions, rolling suitcases, changing currency, the fear of forgetting something. I remember it all like it was yesterday. How none of it  seemed real, even as we embraced the moment our plane landed on this foreign soil and we were able to walk straight out of the plane onto the ground, into the smoggy air we had been warned about & I couldn't even tell. It didn't smell awful to me. It was different, that was expected, but it was so wonderful. I relive many moments had there over and over in my head, just to keep them close and fresh to me.

I have said several times in this blog and I'll never stop saying that I fell in love with that country, with that culture, with so many things in my time spent there. I cried the night before we left our city and headed to debriefing and my eyes glistened again leaving for good a week later. I didn't want to come "home".

And most days, I still don't want to be here. I want to be somewhere far away where I don't know anybody. Somewhere I am forced to learn new things, meet new people, and embrace new culture. A place I don't have to intentionally get away from what seems comfortable or routine to me because it is my only choice. I want to explore territory that is unknown to me and share with others a brand new journey. That has become my dream as I get older. I have strayed away from thoughts of settling down and closer to the "risky" side, the side that may initially seem to lose much more than it gains, but only if you choose to see it that way.

I have found myself slowly creating wedges between my attachment to things here, beginning the process of letting them go since I will soon, surely, be gone. Maybe I'll look back on my days spent in Aggieland or Austin or any little town I've lived along the way, reminiscing over my time there, too, or maybe not.

Upon my return, I had lots of affirmation in the direction of my life. The Lord used really neat outlets to speak to me, preparing me for the place I stand now, about to enter into the world on my own. I know He has plans for me and I can hardly wait to see where they will take this life.

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.

Proverbs 19:21

Moments of Treasure

Treasures don't always approach the way we anticipate them to.

An ordinary man walks into an office in hopes of fulfilling obligations by turning in necessary paperwork but sits and stays to join in conversation about Faith, small joys in life, childhood memories, future plans, etc..

The man stayed until the female office worker had completed her tasks for the day and could proceed to leave.

As she headed to the sink in a nearby break room to wash out the sugar-stained bottom of her oversized coffee mug, he took advantage of the brief seconds he had alone to write his contact information.

As the woman walked back into her office, he presented her with the bright neon colored sticky note and told her he planned to intentionally keep in touch. He then expressed his hope for her to end up somewhere near the city in which he just accepted an engineering position, upon her own upcoming college graduation. 

The girl was in a content season of life. She had endured her share of dead-end relationships and was not in a rush to get intimately acquainted with another. So while she accepted his gesture of friendship, she was weary to believe it was anything beyond exactly that.

They walked out together. He held open the door and she thanked him, just as she would with anyone else.

He offered her a ride to her car and she cheerfully accepted, wishing to avoid the nearly mile walk back to her designated parking lot. He handed her a helmet and told her to "hold on". Despite her fear of motorcycles, she hopped on anyway and enjoyed the ride. Her squeals of excitement could be heard around campus.

As the two approached her car, they got off and entered into some small talk, avoiding every reason to say goodbye. Eventually, the heat of the sun caught up to them and forced their paths to part. The man confronted the moment for exactly what it was: Odd. It felt completely unnecessary to say goodbye when every part of one's being wanted the opposite.

As she began fumbling through her bag for her keys, he gently pulled her into his embrace, rested his chin on her head, and hugged her tight. The moment lingered into longer, until they let go and with a glance that said what neither one could, they continued their days separately.

Curiosity became the elephant in each situation throughout the concluding day until it was nearly nightfall. The two decided their time together for the day could possibly continue if they decided on plans for the evening. Ideas were thrown around until it began getting late and sleep entered each of their sleepy minds.

Though, it felt like one of those nights that shouldn't be wasted. So, hammocking (I've made this term into a verb) in a local park was the perfect pick. They settled on a time to meet and she called for directions too many times.

As they caught up again, they hung each of their hammocks in nearby trees and nestled into them. The breeze was chilling as they cuddled into their blankets. They spent the night a few trees away from each other, entering into quiet debates about what it means to have Faith, God's divine intervention, how much we really won't know on this side of eternity. They also slipped in random questions to get to know each other better: family, divorce, hardships, siblings, favorites, hobbies, anything to keep from shutting their eyes.

Finally, as the moon solely lit the sky, the stars danced into patterns, and the time drifted slowly into wee hours of the morning, they silently fell asleep. They avoided "goodnight" just as they avoided "goodbye" earlier in the day. It felt as though saying that one word were too official, as though no words after that were able to be spoken. So, the lines were left open and a few short comments popped up before sunrise but for the most part they just silently slept, comforted by the company they knew was near and the blossoming connection they were anxious to see through.

As the sun rose, they packed up and parted ways once again. The tight hug, the acknowledgement of a forced goodbye, it all replayed so familiarly.

In life, we have to say goodbyes. I am sure many times we won't want to, we will want the exact opposite but we will anyways. All good things come to an end, some sooner than later, and because of that truth we are afraid to have great moments, at all. Treasures, however, are memories that stay with us forever. We don't part ways with fond memories of little moments, we treasure them.

The moral of the story is, life is full of treasures-- We just have to recognize them as such.

Let them pleasantly surprise us as we embrace them, not go running scared.

Imperfect

Right before I start writing a new blog entry I usually have some idea as to what it will be about and try to loop it into saying something I believe to be true about life, love, or Faith. I always think that in order to establish credibility, I'll need to incorporate a bible verse or two, the basics. The more I write or ponder whatever topic I'm aiming for, the more it usually changes direction and doesn't look at all like I'd initially anticipated. I usually come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what exactly it says because it was written by a determined soul seeking Jesus, typed with hands desiring to serve Him well, and ultimately brainstormed by a woman caught between an ugly world and a perfect God. So, it's okay for words to be thrown along this page, imperfectly because I am imperfect but He is good & uses me despite myself.

Oh, to let what matters, matter and to let what doesn't fade away.

Speaking Up

I'll be the first to admit I don't have my entire life figured out.

I'll also say that everyone who said you have to by the end of college, is incredibly wrong.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is let go of all the expectations of where you should be in a particular season of your life and just enjoy it, no matter what. Let go of the limitations society places on you. Don't be confined by other people's dreams for your life.

The most beautiful feelings come from discovering life lessons on your own.

Recently, I've learned to say what I mean and appreciate when others do the same:
The other day I was in a pencil skirt (typical office attire), had taken my shoes off, hair falling into my face as I strained to stand on my tippy-toes to dig through a filing cabinet at work, intensely searching for something when a friend walks into my office and simply says, "You look so pretty right now" before I had a chance to even notice his presence. We both laughed and quietly thought, saying what you are truly thinking should be that easy. I loved how he came in and quickly squashed the potential tension of unspoken words by simply, saying them. Plus, his statement put a smile on my face. The simplicity of the whole situation makes me laugh again just thinking about it.

Society tells us all day to protect ourselves, to keep secrets, to do all these silly things that have us digressing in relationships and afraid to be vulnerable. I disagree.

Yes, you should have a filter and not carry on with Godless chatter for no reason but there is beauty in communication-- expressing yourself, knowing someone understands how you feel, and giving others the freedom to do the same. There is a sweetness in being vulnerable with people who share your values, with people you want to be walking closely with. There is joy in having a community while on this journey of Faith, people to confide in.

I vividly remember something I first heard in 2010: Speak only what love requires.

& I've come to the realization that love involves speaking kind words of encouragement, reciprocating story-telling that will leave you occasionally vulnerable & it's risky...

...but every great thing takes risk.

So, while I'm admitting to not having my life entirely figured out, I also don't feel like I have to. We have this awesome ability to speak and when it is used to build others up, make them smile, tell them they look pretty, to grow in healthy vulnerability, it is worth the risk.

All of a sudden, the little moments that accumulate into a lifetime, seem overwhelmingly happy, even standing at the end of my college career with no solid idea for what comes next. I know there will be many lessons, risks, and ultimately, lots of unknown territory ahead. I look forward to enjoying whatever comes, at whatever time, in whatever fashion because my expectations are fleeting and my contentment is growing and I trust He will be Faithful, no matter what, even if it comes in the form of a small compliment from a sweet co-worker in an ordinary office-- He speaks joy into motion.

He speaks.

Missions > Marriage

Some things I heard last summer have somehow buried themselves within me and found a welcoming home.

One encounter was in a quaint treehouse-looking home filled with a couple and their 9 children who have committed their lives, their income, and their family's immediate comfort to living overseas to do ministry. The wife encouraged us to "Consider yourselves called until you're called out". She went into depth about how this may mean stepping away from areas of desire we want for ourselves like marriage. Her sermon left me asking myself tough questions and truly examining the intensions of my heart.

I came to the conclusion that for the first time in my life I considered Missions > Marriage.

I knew I wanted my life to glorify Him, above all else. Then I thought that as an American woman, living in a society that celebrates a union of love through marriage, it is often made a top priority here. Marriage is good but it is idolized. I don't want marriage to be the forefront of my mind. I want to live a life that has nothing to do with me and if someone can meet me along that path, that's fine, and if not, I'll be glad anyway because I am already on a mission that doesn't promise a worldly companion, nor does it need to because the Savior of the world holds my heart-- completely contently.

I wondered if my thought would wear down as I adjusted back to life in the States but to my surprise, I feel more confident now standing in the Truth that marriage is not necessary, even a year later. I still recognize a bigger priority and feel an urgency calling me toward it. I want to go, serve, fly to far away foreign lands, stay here, whatever may come I want to dedicate my life to knowing Him better, sharing with His children, and not getting caught up with something that may come in the future or cling to something that is not guaranteed.

I want to invest myself in things of eternal value and give up the rest.

If I claim to believe His plan will prevail, I must be willing to sacrifice my own desires and trust that when the timing is right or He will be glorified more fully through me in a union with another, He will make that evident and see it through.

In the mean time, I'm called and don't see signs of being called out.

He is faithful, I believe that above everything else and that's enough.

Summer Lessons

Reminiscing on this summer, I have learned many things. I decided I will make a list of the top 7.

1. To Laugh- I don't mean a small, silly laugh. I've learned to laugh from the deepest pit of my soul, probably obnoxiously loud, but when joined by others, just made to be even funnier. I know this particular lesson was actually rooted in one I have been incredibly focused on prayerfully for the past year-in-a-half. There is beauty in letting loose the things that get you down, to completely forget about them when in the company of good friends. Letting go of worries or burdens or stressful things in life has made the time spent with loved ones that much sweeter and full of life, because it isn't enjoyed through the lens of someone bogged down by others. I've learned to laugh with my whole heart because I have learned to be entirely submerged in the present moment without being caught up in the past ones.

 2. To Rest- There is something overwhelmingly peaceful about escaping to a place without another soul in sight, hiking up hills alone or driving in silence to simply be still in His presence. I was constantly reminded this summer that despite the chaos of this busy life, I am cherished by the Creator & Savior of the world and He is near to me immediately when I call on Him.

3. Accountability- I have been blessed to have served as a summer Bible study leader at a local church, full of lovely women who asked hard questions, loved me/each other well, and taught me what it meant to humbly come before other Christian girls who are walking in my season of life, wanting to be openly broken with one another but undeservingly, redeemed by the Grace of God. It has been some of the sweetest moments of my life. God made those sweet girls the highlight of my summer instead of the vacations or beach trips that summer usually holds--He has given me a dose of contentment investing in the girls who showed up weekly to read, chat, pray, laugh, cry, and live life together with a common goal: Internalizing their identities in Christ. 

4. To Be Grateful- I heard this idea presented in a sermon that people tend to settle on spouses who have about 80% of the qualities one may look for & it is when they go seeking for the missing 20% that trouble arises. While this specific analogy is marriage based, it works for life in general, as well. I think we spend most of our lives focusing on the 20% of things we do not have. We pray for specifics and we are upset when we believe that our prayers have gone unanswered. I have opted to focus on the blessings of my life this summer and have been graciously joyful over the things I had once overlooked that now, stand in the light. He is faithful through every trial, every lesson, every hardship of the past--He will be faithful, always.

 

5. Simplicity- I had a moment a few years ago when I went with a friend to the smallest town I had ever seen, never heard of, and stayed in a air-condition-less, one room cabin for a week. I learned in that week a few things that are still catching up to me today: first, how incredibly spoiled I am, without even realizing it & secondly, how sweet it is to get away from the busyness of online interactions, ringing cell phones, fancy restaurants, yes, even air-conditioning. It ended up pouring down rain, bursting lightning, and crackling thunder for most of the week but you know what? It was one of the fondest moments of my life to simply lay in the quilted bed of that cabin to read a book or silently watch the rain hit the glass window. I am reminded this summer how much simplicity can mean when we allow ourselves to be immersed in it. 

6. To Hold On- The start of this summer brought much confusion and turmoil in my personal life, for so many reasons I may never be able to voice to the world. Ultimately, I have learned what it means to heartbroken and indecisive and hurt and lonely and strange. I've learned when to face things head on and when to let them go. But mostly I've felt the pain of others who have walked away or walked back in and instead, I have decided to enjoy the ones that stay and to stay, myself. We will let people into our hearts, into our lives, in on our secrets, into private sectors of our lives and it is worth it, even if they decide to leave. I have learned to pick myself up after unimaginable circumstances and then to invest in people I desire to be close with, despite the risks involved because it is worth whatever may come of it, every single time.

Mom: "Baby, this world is full of people who will willingly walk out on you."

Me: "...but how sweet it is when you let them in and they stay..."

7. Call Me Out- I was completely convicted (as mentioned in a previous blog) by Matthew 14 late in my summer Bible study, when Peter asks Jesus to call him out upon the water. I have been praying to be bold enough to set down my own desires, to listen to the callings on my life, and for courage enough to take hold of them. I want to be prepared for what God has for me and be desiring Him more than anything else, knowing my contentment and eternity is failed to be made full without Him. He has gently put my priorities in line this summer and now I feel free to walk in His light, in His Truth, and to be praying radical things, with Faith that nothing is impossible for our God.

 So, as this summer concludes I am intentionally grateful for each lesson I learned, even the tough ones and cannot wait to walk into the next season of my life more prepared because of them.

Prove Them Wrong

If you are coming into college, when everyone is telling you not to put off the "harder" classes until the end, LISTEN!

Luckily, since I spent the first few years in college as a Biology major, I had lots of science under my belt early on. Unfortunately, when I transferred to the College Station campus, the requirements for basics changed drastically and I found myself faced more dreaded math classes ahead and a blank field of 14 hours of foreign language needing to be fulfilled. Just saying that still makes me cringe.

Somehow, by the Grace of God, alone, I got a "B" in business calculus and thought whatever a course labeled "Logic" would be for my next math credit couldn't be as tough as the previous one. Long story short, I didn't do well in logic the first time and decided to retake it for the GPA boost this summer.

The first day of class the professor told us that this would be one of the toughest courses we would ever have to take. He also recommended that if we were taking other courses (I was enrolled in 9 hours) or working (on my grind, daily) that we would not excel. I heard him clearly but I'm stubborn and thought, I've done worse. Not to mention the fact that it was crunch time and I couldn't afford to put this course off any longer if I wanted to successfully graduate this December.

So, I stuck with it...

& it was really tough...

But I met some wonderful people who were patient enough to tutor, guide, help, and encourage me in so many different ways that somehow, I soon felt prepared.

I took that final and received an email a few days later saying I had earned one of the top grades in the class and a recommendation to move further into the next course. While I laughed this off, I realized what an accomplishment this was and how proud I was for sticking it out, despite the warnings or negative past experiences.

In addition to Logic, I am also currently enrolled in my fourth and final foreign language course. I had put this off until last semester when I realized I hadn't started even the first of my 4 classes needed and I only had a year left of school. By the end of this summer, I will have successfully completed all 14 hours needed for my degree plan in only 7 months. I did the expensive, fast track of language but am so joyful that I did and they are now almost complete.

So, I'll leave you with this-- something I've learned over and over in my college season and hope will carry over into whatever I pursue beyond this:

When people hand you seemingly possible situations, trust that nothing is impossible when God is on your side and then once you've internalized that truth, prove them wrong.

Maybe Summer

I thought in many ways this summer would feel small. I didn't have any grand vacations planned, no traveling overseas to share the Gospel, just working, taking classes, and seeing what came up along the way.

I love how sometimes the Lord reveals better plans to us.

I've had the opportunity to serve as a leader for what Grace Bible Church likes to call "Growth Groups" and have fallen humbly into this loving group of sweet girls who love the Lord and want to know Him more. I have learned so much sharing personal stories, tears, laughs, and traveling through the journey of Peter in the Bible alongside them. As I have been challenged to memorize scripture each week, I've found myself more equipped to use it, more willing to share it, more joyful to be saved by Amazing Grace, encouraging others to do the same.

A few of the girls I share my Thursday nights with. :)

Last week we looked at Matthew 14 and verse hit me deeper than before.

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water." 
(Matthew 14:28)

I want to be like Peter in this specific moment. I want to be asking to be commanded by the Lord, despite risks. I want to leave my doubt knowing Jesus is near to me and in return, have my Faith renewed.

Maybe that's exactly what this summer is supposed to be about.

Maybe all the extras of finding a really sweet, Godly man excitedly pursuing me or getting to enjoy the perks of this college town with my roommates, etc....maybe those are extra.

I feel so blessed, so sweetly surprised, and so undeservingly loved.

This summer has had so many small moments that have added up to something unforgettable: lifelong friendships, new opportunities, and to put it simply, Faith, an abundance of blind Faith that is growing.

Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the water

wherever you would call me.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

& my Faith will be made stronger

in the presence of my Savior.

Bogged Down

In the midst of my first session of summer courses (9 hours worth), plus holding down an entire program while my major supervisor is away, I've caught myself using phrases such as, "sorry, I have just been so busy lately" to justify my absence in various situations. While this may be true, at times, I've also come to realize the value in making time.

Taking the dog on a walk, even if it is in the blazing heat of a mid-day sun, simply because I, too, need the fresh air.

Or meeting with friends to simply catch up on life or struggles, sharing in whatever season we find ourselves in.

Putting the phone down for a few hours to people watch or read or study or dream, anything that doesn't involve social media or communication barriers between loved ones.

There is joy in having quiet time to reaffirm our identity in Christ instead of being bogged down by the "what-if" game of worldly pursuits.

I share that last one because that is exactly what I have spent any extra moment of un-demanded time doing: manipulating situations in my head, asking "what-if" and jumping to conclusions that are less disappointing than the situations they realistically are in my life.

But today, as I quietly confided in a friend concerning the chaos of my distracted mind, she sweetly reminded me to seek God's Truth because my heart is deceitful. I am letting my emotions run high over hypothetical situations or past hurts that should have no further bearing on my thoughts but do because I let them seep in and stay far too long.

So while I am busy, I want to set aside time to simply stop to make sure my mind is set on Heavenly things. While I cannot manage without seeking God's hand for guidance, discernment, and help, I want to also be seeking His face, the truth of who He is and the Truth of who His grace has made me.

Sweet Summer

I have never taken summer school before.

I usually go away to serve at Christian adventure camps that keep me outside from the time the sun comes up, back in later than its setting again. I usually travel away from technology, away from contact with the outside world, pack a headlamp, some chacos, a backpack bible, and get out of town. I love not being able to be contacted directly. I love being away, unreachable, for the most part.

When I think of summer I think of sunshine, cold rivers, tanned skin, hiking, biking, ice-pops, cave splunking, tubing, bible studies, good friends, starry nights, packed bags, flights, exploring unknown territory, sleepovers, laughs, learning new languages, traveling through more than 3 states in one day, fireworks, lemonade, swimming, going on random excursions, anything but textbooks and tuition.

I see everyone in this season called summer around me & surprisingly, I don't feel even the slightest bit sad about being in class this summer for a few short weeks.

Oddly, I'm stuck in this joyous place that has led me to discover new hobbies, expand my creativity, and to spend some sweet time making new friends or catching up with older ones.

Suddenly, I realize I am perfectly happy exactly where I am this summer, this semester, in life, generally.

Because there just comes a moment when you have to let go of everything everyone else seems to be doing to simply enjoy the moment YOU are in. That's exactly what this summer has begun as & I'm thankful.

Sweet summer, so excited for how these next few months take unexpected turns.

Risk For Love

Well, ABC's The Bachelorette season is upon us again, and I, like probably many other women (or poor, suckered men), am excited.

 I grew up in a family that thrived on a mutual liking of the drama of reality TV. We have watched every single season of The Bachelor/Bachelorette, made our bets, and voiced many opinions. It's so fun for us to watch these hopeful men and women travel around the world to make fools of themselves, to become famous, to sing ridiculous songs, to show off rock-hard bodies, to cry, to do so many things, most importantly to find love. And while many argue that this show isn't the best outlet to find what they are looking for, I say, go for it.

 There are crazy ways to meet people. The timing works out sometimes. Worst-case scenario, a heart or two get broken, but best-case scenario: love and romance is found and it lasts.

 When we open ourselves to opportunities, when we put ourselves on the line we quickly find out that it is worth the deepest hurts to find an unconditional companion.

I hope that you will take chances for love and find that it is worth it every single time.

Family is Forever

Uninterrupted

Bubble baths are wonderful.

I don't know if it's because the warmth of the water is relaxing and the dim restroom lighting makes a great place to ponder life, current events, or vicariously join others through the reading of an adventurous novel, but I have always loved stealing some quiet moments away from the world. Then when I've soaked long enough or I've reached the end of another chapter, I'll call it quits & simply watch the water gently drift down the drain, on it's way to wherever it ends up next. 

It always makes me giggle a bit to think of the emotions evoked while enjoying a simple pleasure like draining bath water can bring. For some reason the Lord always uses that time to remind me that He's got hold of me and isn't planning on letting go. 

I can't wrap my mind around this completely. I'm not sure anyone can.

How strong, how mighty, how gentle, how fierce, how all of these qualities can be wrapped up into a God who loves us tenderly, unconditionally. It's too big, too deep, too wide for comprehension.

Oh, but I try.

And I feel that love.

I feel it in simple moments shared above.

I feel it when I'm brokenhearted, thinking surely I cannot overcome whatever obstacle may be barricading me. He fights for me, for you. He comforts you with promises of a future, of His plans with only your best intensions in mind. When doubts creep in & our lives are bogged down with interruptions, He picks us up again, places us on a solid ground of Truth.

He promises & I will uninteruptingly believe.

I hope that as the water seeps out, His presence and promise and love seep in and remain uninterrupted.

Fading Moments

When I was younger I used to ride my bike around the block and quietly choose houses for all of my friends for when we grew up so we could be neighbors. I always gave them the fanciest houses and took the ordinary one for myself because I knew I would need to give them some sort of incentive in order for all of them to agree to move onto the street and stay forever.

I suppose it started young, this idea of always being near to those I'd miss. Even as I left high school, I was comforted in knowing what everyone was doing, even if we were apart, still going to school, living similar lives.

Now, as I see people I care so deeply for, or even those I've enjoyed the past few months getting to know in class, transitioning into whatever is next, it's sad. The truth is that many of us will never see each other again. People will move to different parts of the world, go off to various graduate schools, join the military and be shipped away, or just be off doing anything but enjoying college.

Sure, I may pass some of them on the street one day years from now & we will glance, thinking they look vaguely familiar or stop and chat for just a second but we will never have these moments back. They were fading since the beginning but now they've caught up to me & I realize that life is moving much quicker than I anticipated.

True to Yourself

The day we've anticipated for years beyond high school has come: college graduation. It's not my time yet, that is coming in a few short months, faster than I am able to comprehend, probably. Yet, as I watched various friends pridefully march across that grand stage and collect the diploma they've worked so hard to earn, I couldn't help but think, they think their lives are just beginning but really they began long ago. People leave legacies without even realizing it. People in younger stages will look back on friendships they've formed with those who have graduated and moved on and remember them. There is no escape from who you are to people, it's those memories that will keep your spirit alive long after you depart.

It's strange to be on my side of things, watching loved ones pack up what they've collected over the years, kiss the freedom of college goodbye to find themselves completely cut off from parents, comforts of a college-aged town, and struggling to figure out, still, what they want to do with their lives. It's odd to hug them goodbye not knowing where they may end up or when we may cross paths again...if ever. It's bittersweet but I wish them all one common thing:

That you may always be true to yourselves. Don't try to be the hero or mask yourself with false identity. I hope your years of college taught you enough about life to realize that being yourself is the best thing you can be. I hope when you are hurt, you feel it deeply. When you mess up, you own it. When you've wronged another, you apologize. When you are fearful or full of doubt, you voice it. & when you feel joyous, it will come from the pit of your being, never to please those around you but because you are being exactly what you are: content. I wish many moments of contentment and pride.

"One light cannot go out if it lights 1,000 others." 
I heard that quote and thought that when we free ourselves to be transparent, broken, simply genuine, we free others to be so, as well. When we shine lights of Christ, our need for Him, because of our lack of perfection, we become more beautiful, contagiously. And when we accept ourselves as exactly what we are, others do too and it is beautiful.

Running Dry

Tonight I found myself running to get my phone, forgetting when I entered my bedroom what it was that I was looking for, then picking up my Bible instead.

As I peeled it open, looking for nothing in particular, I decided I would take the night off, delve into the bathtub full of nearly scorching water and overwhelming bubbles, and just have some sweet quiet time.

Near the end, when my toes were wrinkled with sogginess and my hair was dripping wet, I decided I couldn't stand the now lukewarm water that continued to engulf me. I challenged myself to stay within it until the last bit of water trickled down the drain and I did. As I watched it slowly disappear I couldn't help but think of how sometimes God allows our entire lives to run dry: various relationships, hopes, current circumstances, false security, stability. How sometimes when our lives seem to be on track and we aren't running passionately toward Him, He shakes it up. 

But He doesn't leave it dry, He fills it up with His goodness & I'm holding out to see it overflow again.

Unconditional Love

I've realized that when I'm feeling really passionate about something, I write about it. It starts with something brilliant in my head and by the time I reach paper, the passion has usually faded a bit and sometimes it doesn't actually get written at all but this one I must speak of.

The memory of your face haunts me. I cannot close my eyes without thinking of you, or wake into a day of sunshine without wondering how you are. I cannot breathe without caring deeply for your well-being or smile without thinking of all the features about you that I may have borrowed.

It was easy to think of you as a sort of mystery man. Someone I vaguely remember helping us build a swing-set upon a hill in our backyard, letting us paint it hot pink, then printing our hands & feet all over it in electric blue. Your handprint was there and I remembered you by it far after your departure. But now I have heard your raspy, quiet voice. I have felt your warm embrace and seen the way your toothless smile lights the faces of little girls who have missed you for so long.

I cannot keep from worrying and praying about your health or future. I cannot help but desire for you to call me or just become easily reachable.

You are so heavy on my heart, not as a burden but a deep compassion. To see truth spoken from your lips and tears shed from your eyes--to be reminded of your crooked nose or your silly ears. I cannot stop examining your face, wishing it close to mine once again, to hear you speaking of the journey that has led to redemption. The very thing I've prayed for you: you found, the Lord. & still, I am broken for you. I do not want you to travel back down the road you came from, I want you near to me & safe under my care.

But I have to be okay without you, as I once was before. Though I don't know how to surrender you to Him, I know He will take care of you. You are right, you're forgiven and I hope that you blossom beneath that forgiveness and find the joy of the Lord as your strength for all of your days.

I love you, unconditionally.

Better Than Before

I've found myself lately in the midst of flooding announcements: pregnancies, engagements, babies being born, people graduating college, marriages, life-changing events taking place. I tell myself that it's just one of those significant ages when everything seems to be occurring.

But one sticks out to me.

One reminds me how beautiful the Lord makes our stories after we find ourselves fretting for a while.

One takes me back to memories of many starry nights, future plans, outside adventures, prayers, and one single seemingly broken heart.

A name that brought my own to mind when heard by anyone that knew of either of us. A match that was so sweet, it was almost too good to be true...

& it was.

The man that showed me every day what it was to be pursued by a man of God, the man that all but promised me his heart forever, prayed with me every single night (even if it had to be through the phone) that we were living according to a future out of our own hands-- for divine intervention
...is engaged.

& I want so badly to wonder why it wasn't me or wonder why the feelings he had weren't mutual from me when there was absolutely no reason why they shouldn't have been. So many things I cannot answer except that he ended up with the right girl and the Lord's faithfulness is so beautiful to experience. Promise is so much more meaningful than doubt or hesitancy.

This engagement was so unexpectantly significant in my own life. I love how I got to watch as the Lord mended a heart I couldn't learn to claim as my own, this sweet boy's. I love how we have a healing Savior that takes our brokenness and slowly repairs it until we have forgotten what has broken it at all & we find ourselves facing something far better.

"There are far better things ahead than we will ever leave behind."

This is one instance I am so incredibly thankful for better things, even if it is me that is what is being left behind. Because when something is right, it is more wonderful than all other options. I'm thankful for relationships that get to build us up in various ways throughout our lives, people that point us toward Him, allowing us to bask in His goodness, then prepare us for things that we will find later.

Engagements are so exciting & I'm thankful that this one, too, is still so sweet to me and not full of bitterness or regret. What a delightful future I see ahead for those two and for myself that has made being patient for it that much easier.

I am beyond excited for you! I hope that you know how unique and precious you are, how rare it is to find someone so faithful, so honest, so willing to be humble before God. I hope you know how many lives you have helped change, how many people that have come to know their Maker because of your encouraging words, how many people are eternally changed for knowing you, including me. I am not the same girl I was before you, before you accepting the valleys of my life and making them seem small, dealing so gently with my fragile nature. I am thankful for you, always. You taught me what it meant to be in a pursuit toward something greater, mutually and that even when it didn't lead down the path you had in mind that it was still wonderful and worth it. I wish you a lifetime of gentle lessons, mutual growth, and the sweetest of moments that project you forward, never leaving you to look back. Oh, and love, so so much love...you deserve it!

Clicking Yes

For those of you looking to comment for class, I wrote the four blogs below specifically for y'all, not this one, but you are more than welcome to read this one as well, just know, it is for my own safekeeping, not grading or grammatical error, nothing but having a journal to look joyfully back upon.

This semester has been a whirlwind of opportunity.

First of all, I got a Linked In account, which, for those of you unfamiliar with the site, is a professional website that allows for business networking and connections. My second day having it, figuring it out, polishing up my resume, etc., I had a breakthrough. I was asked to "endorse" a man I recognized from a Christian event I attended when I was sixteen. So, of course, I clicked 'yes' to endorse his public speaking skills because I had seen him speak. I wasn't expecting anything more than the small satisfaction of getting to encourage another, not even knowing if he would ever see the endorsement or what happened after that small 'yes' click.

A few days later I received a message from the same man I endorsed. He asked if I had ever been to one of his events, to which I gladly expressed I had. I shared the fact that I got to pass along some vivid messages that were illustrated within that event that had stuck with me to many other organizations/ ministries I had been involved in after.

This man happened to be the founder of that particular company. After that one small 'yes' click, we began a series of messages. He claimed he had a position to fill & I seemed to be a strong applicant. We set up a phone interview for my upcoming Spring Break. We got to talk through many details of the position and ultimately decided I would attend a more recent event to meet the team I would potentially become part of to see how I fit in.

Last weekend I went to that event. I was amazed at the enthusiasm and tricks they attempted to keep the message they were portraying so modern. The youthful audience loved it! I even loved it. They shared stories of hardship, of redemption, of purity, of marriage, and ultimately shared the message of how Christ's death on the cross has made us clean, as believers. After the show they prayed "THE prayer", you know the one. Next, they asked everyone who had prayed the prayer of salvation to step forward in boldness and accept a free gift from the event staff. Before I knew it, I saw hundreds of people pouring forward toward the stage. It was a truly touching moment when I felt complete assurance in my decision to pursue this organization. There was such power & spiritual movement in that moment of the night, that is being built up to be spread all around the world.

Now, as the applications probably pour in and the final decisions are made, I'm here waiting in complete security of God's plan for my life. I have been blown away with the amount of encouragement, recommendation letters, and sweet moments that have grown me to be ready for what has been prepared for my near future. I am also so anxious, thankful, and humbled that it has fallen so gently into my lap, so there was no doubt I'd recognize it.

I am constantly praying that when opportunities arise that I will be sure in my decision to mutually pursue them, that if there is even a faint doubt they would be taken away from me. I have found zero doubt moving forward in so many areas lately, even when it starts with something as small as simply, clicking 'yes'.

College Window

This week has been exhausting!

Sometimes I look back on the week and cannot fathom how I got through it. Lately, the days have been flying by, then weeks, then soon I will be completely done with college. When I focus on what a small window college is, I appreciate it. I like being challenged, I'm thankful for the smaller classes that invite feedback, opinion and critiques. I like stretching my mind, thinking of abstract things I wouldn't otherwise. I have even stumbled upon a newfound art I enjoy. Poetry. Well, I don't write it for fun but when I have to write pieces for class, I enjoy it.

That's all we can hope for here, I suppose, in college, I mean. Aggieland has not disappointed when I consider all the hopes that have been exceeded. We hoped to meet wonderful people, be encouraged to do new things, for the simple chance that we may unexpectantly fall in love with something we never thought of doing before. College allows us to reflect on who we are, where we are going, and what we will eventually become.

I love college and I'm not sure how ready I am to depart...
yet, I know the small window is closing soon and I will be forced out, despite.

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"Window of Opportunity"

Roommates

In college we think of things in terms of roommates. Things are divided by semester course loads, sure, but who you live with says so much about who you are, what others assume you're up to, and who some of the biggest influences in your life are during whatever duration you live under the same roof.

Keri, Ashley & I in the park across the street. :)

This past year especially, I have been so blessed to live with two lovely women who have really helped make a house into a home. We have endured some hard lessons, made some sweet memories, and ultimately, my life was made richer for getting to live life with each of them in the close context of our quaint duplex. 

Smiles come easy around our house. There is always someone here to share a hot meal, take a brisk walk, a friend to non-judgmentally confide in. I couldn't imagine a much better environment to call my own.

We even have a peaceful little park across the street. It is full of trees, a fountain and benches overlooking a pond full of fish. It's nice to slip on some shoes and jog over there to hang a hammock or walk the dogs. It was also a hot spot for this year's Christmas cards.

I can't imagine how different it will be after this summer when we've graduated or moved forward in our lives, facing whatever comes next for each of us. But I'll leave here with lifelong friends, which makes the feeling of home stay with me. Home is not a house but the people who love each other within it. 

Monday Morning Smile

As I waited behind a long line of people waiting to order coffee in the Memorial Student Center, I noticed the girl in front of me fumbling through her bag, coming up empty. I, feeling in an oddly jolly mood for an early Monday morning and understanding what a sore subject being denied coffee is, offered to buy hers since she had obviously forgotten her wallet. She hesitatingly accepted as I jokingly attempted to convince her that it could be my "good deed of the day". After she ordered, we introduced ourselves, talked briefly about our futures, what we wanted in life. We eventually figured out that she went to high school with my good friend and we shared a few other common friends, small world! As our time came to a close and we parted ways, her smile stuck with me. It was so genuine and full of thanks for such a small deed.

For the remainder of the day her smile kept me smiling, contagiously. I'm glad for getting just a small peek into another Aggie's life and for the reminder that giving is always better than receiving.

It's the simple things, even just a sweet smile over a cup of coffee on a Monday morning that spur on the truest happiness in this life, I'm convinced.

Starbucks Coffee
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