Agape.

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." 

I have been choking on that phrase a lot lately. I find myself wanting to do or say things that are hurtful to others when there is absolutely no reason for it, particularly those that have in some way hurt me in the past. At times, I will catch myself playing the blame game in my head for hours. It usually ends with me seeking out good memories represented in pictures or notes or feelings to make myself feel less guilty, which, in reality, usually just brings a tear or two to my eyes and stirs up the reminder that love wasn't enough and that no matter how many times I rip things apart in my head, asking all the hard questions, it won't come back to me and be what I need it to be no matter how much I (sometimes) wish it would.

But that's not true, is it? GOD'S love is enough. But I'm just a speck of a woman in this world & my desires overwhelm me. My heart's desire for that Heavenly unconditional love is what I seek in men & I am consistently disappointed because they will never fulfill that for me. We were made that way, to desire the things only the Lord can offer because well, He is jealous and desperately desires our attention for Him. Of course He created us to desire what no one else on this earth can give us, it leaves us no other choice but to turn to Him and it's good. But there is also a desire for attention and too many times we forget to live lives that are worthy of that attention from others. If you want the attention of a Godly man, you must be leading a Godly lifestyle yourself. We must let go and learn to agape. 

Agape: a form of love that only gives, does not take or seek, just gives - unconditionally, asking nothing in return.

It all comes down to the fact that I can't change people, I can't make someone different or force them to learn the things I know the Lord wants to teach them. Lord, take my desire to control things away. Strip me down, make me new, give me a head full of positive and loving words.


What if nobody told you anything but positive things about yourself?
How would your perspective of people change?
What if you did the same unto others?
What if you forgot the boundaries of love to agape, to give?

I'm a firm believer that if you treat someone as though they are the most wonderful person in your life, that is exactly what they become.

"The Lord was with Joseph, giving him success in all he did."

Genesis 39 (read it all!)

Imagine if you made it a priority to just let go of the past hurt, surrendered to the life of love that Jesus offered an example for us to follow, & only focused on giving, whatever that may mean. No matter what, even when it's hard -- through the Lord, you will succeed. Agape. 

(I think I'm done with my pity party.)

"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

Luke 6: 38

What used to be

Sometimes I'll find pictures, love notes, or something that brings memories of you & I flooding back into my head, breaking my heart all over again.

Some days are harder than others. It's been a rough day. 

"Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart."

I could delete it all but it wouldn't go away, you wouldn't disappear. I could fade away if you said the word but my heart would be left smashed on the floor, exactly where it lies now, too afraid of making it worse by mopping it up.

The Many "Why's"

I don't want to write this blog so people to feel compelled to read it, or feel they need to understand it - but for those who are curious and never ask, or perhaps for those who have been in my shoes and know what its like - that's why I'm writing. I once read a journal that said, "We write to relive the past" and while to a certain extent I can admit that is true, I mostly believe it is to vent, to release pieces of ourselves from the system overwhelmingly processing it within us. To let it out for ourselves, the writers. It helps to sort out this mess, which is our lives. 

I came across another blog today called My Interrupted Fairy Tale and scrolled months and months earlier to figure out the situation and start the following journey for myself. I feel as though I am invading, her life becoming mine. I tear up reading through Chad's sickness and the dreams of a relationships genuine love-filled future fall apart. I can't hold back when I read of Chad's passing, the holding on until all family has been there and imagining telling a loved one that it was ok to let go now. 


I am completely heartbroken for possibly the third time in my life for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with me. People in this blogging world are not just telling stories, they are spilling their souls and this is their real life, losing babies they have only known for 36 hours, overcoming hardships, forgiving family for starving family members they are tired of taking care of, or watching the man they imagined growing old with lose his battle to Multiple Myeloma. It's so painful, sometimes I don't know how we survive it. 


Maybe we write to fully understand the emotions we are enduring. Maybe we write to feel as though someone may see it and mop us off of the floor or maybe we write to tell ourselves that we are allowed to feel broken, completely unfixable, in the lowest valley ever molded. We write to be less lonely in our heartbreak, in our trials and in the most devastating moments in our lives. As we click 'share', we pray that maybe if we document it, it won't ever happen again. 


Really, go back to any blog and scroll to the beginning, press 'Older posts' until you run out of pages and then read the first entry, the initial introduction to the world: You'll find some life changing story, whether it is obvious or hidden within hinting language, there's a story there, a breaking point that led to this venting, led to release this version of these unbearable burdens.


Maybe it's the healing process that truly intrigues people, 
wandering hearts that think, 
how could I go on had that story been mine?
How could I sleep asking myself, will the man beside me be alive in the morning?
Will my tiny newborn baby breathe through this night?
How can I say goodbye?
God, why me? 


There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the Heavens;
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for ward and a time for peace.
What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He had also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-12


http://megansfairy-tale.blogspot.com/

Immense Joy from Small Encounters

As I have expressed several times throughout these journal pages, I am praying for trust and complete surrender to God's plan and timing in my life, which leads into my story:

The other day I decide randomly, after weeks of putting it off, that I should probably fall back into the routine of waxing my eyebrows. I walk into a salon I've never been to in my life and see one woman (besides the employees). This woman immediately asks me what my shirt says so I glance down and read it aloud,
"ASC, Texas A&M University."
She asks, "Does that stand for Aggie Sisters for Christ?"
"YES!" I exclaim.


As she begins to tell me of memories of her own experience in Aggieland and in ASC, we fall into a beautiful conversation about love, loss and trusting the Lord.

Without any knowledge of the occurrences in my recent life she tells me about how in college she thought she had it all figured out, I've thought that before. She tells of how she dated a man that wasn't equally yoked spiritually with her for 4 years until she worked up the strength to call things quits her junior year at A&M, though she felt convicted to do it long before then. God? Why is she telling me my own story? Sure, mine was only 2.5 years but it has been all I've known in Aggieland, I knew better. She said she spent the next year learning to trust God's timing in her life, a journey I have recently embellished myself in, and that her senior year, a week before graduation, she met a man and knew it was right. She married that man and God flipped their lives upside-down because they trusted His love and plan for them. HOPE! What a beautiful story for me to hear at this particular time and what a beautiful woman to tell it, someone that has been there, understands and lives the life I desire to have one day.Twenty years later, they are still married and have two children. She was so happy, she radiated of Jesus. I am so thankful to have met Bridget, an Aggie, a Christian, and a small glimpse of Jesus himself into the relevance of my current situation.


Thanks for the reassurance, Lord!

Find the joy in your life, even if it's in a simple conversation with a stranger, they may become a friend.

A Little Place

My devotional today included a poem from another of Pam Farrel's books, 'Woman of Influence' thought I would share.

"A Little Place"

Where shall I work today, dear Lord?

And my love flowed warm and free.

He answered and said,

"See that little place?

Tend that place for me."

I answered and I said,

"Oh no, not there,

No one would ever see me

No matter how well my work was done,

Not that little place for me!"

His voice when He spoke,

Was soft and kind,

He answered me tenderly,

"Little one, search that heart of thine,

Are you working for them or me?"

"Nazareth was a little place,

And so was Galilee."

Path of Desire

Lord,


I have dropped everything to seek you & though I am walking blindly, I see you crystal clear. 


I recently got out of a relationship I've been in for 2.5 years and though there have been times that I didn't know how my life would go on after such heartbreak, this wasn't one of them. This time was different, I wasn't abandoned to free fall until I hit rock bottom, I was caught by my Heavenly Father's loving hands and shown, without a single word that He is better, He is the man pursuing me and until I let Him in and let Him be enough, nothing would turn out well. I would always be disappointed by the sinners of the earth that try and claim a girl's heart as their own.


I have been convicted, as of late, not to date or pursue any intimate earthly relationship for now and for the first time in my life I have personally understood the "peace" people claim to get when they know things are right. I am without a doubt or fear that God has a plan to meet the desires of my heart. I have learned the things He has needed to prepare me for before I was ready to meet a man that I could vow a lifetime to. I have been in the lowest valleys and I have yet to find the highest mountain but I have a certain hope for one and I know my King will not fail me. 


I am just so overwhelmed by the understanding I have right now. I feel as though every decision, every disappointment, every achievement, every hidden desire that I have yet to claim as my own are all molding together to lay out this beautiful paved path before me and I am in awe. I am speechless and I have no words for it. I think I have hit a milestone that doesn't require acknowledgement from anyone else, it is meant to be mine alone, you'll have one too, I'm sure of it and God will be there with you to assure you understand. Maybe He has been there all along waiting for me to get it or want to be filled with Him, waiting for me to finally step up to the plate and be bold for Him like I claimed a year ago I would. 


How many times must He baptize me and let me tell my story? 
How many times will I leave things out because of pride? 


Finally, I have internalized that the desires I have, the person I am, was made in the image of God, Himself. 
I am a woman worth loving, worth fighting for and worth pursuing but my heart is fragile and cares greatly for relationships and seeks out someone to accept it ...but I don't have to. I am a woman, I was made by skilled hands of an artist that makes no blemishes or mistakes. My creator sculpted me not as an afterthought but as the final detail or crescendo in His glorious plan. He created me (AND YOU) as a direct glimpse into the heart of Himself, a mighty, worthy, tender God that is as tough as a man and as caring as a woman. We are parts of Him. I am His and I have internalized that I have no flaw to Him and even if nobody else in this whole entire earth wants to ask me to join them for always in this journey, I am on a journey of my own and am completely satisfied with the truth of my identity and the hope for an eternity that will go on long after this life is over.