Missions > Marriage

Some things I heard last summer have somehow buried themselves within me and found a welcoming home.

One encounter was in a quaint treehouse-looking home filled with a couple and their 9 children who have committed their lives, their income, and their family's immediate comfort to living overseas to do ministry. The wife encouraged us to "Consider yourselves called until you're called out". She went into depth about how this may mean stepping away from areas of desire we want for ourselves like marriage. Her sermon left me asking myself tough questions and truly examining the intensions of my heart.

I came to the conclusion that for the first time in my life I considered Missions > Marriage.

I knew I wanted my life to glorify Him, above all else. Then I thought that as an American woman, living in a society that celebrates a union of love through marriage, it is often made a top priority here. Marriage is good but it is idolized. I don't want marriage to be the forefront of my mind. I want to live a life that has nothing to do with me and if someone can meet me along that path, that's fine, and if not, I'll be glad anyway because I am already on a mission that doesn't promise a worldly companion, nor does it need to because the Savior of the world holds my heart-- completely contently.

I wondered if my thought would wear down as I adjusted back to life in the States but to my surprise, I feel more confident now standing in the Truth that marriage is not necessary, even a year later. I still recognize a bigger priority and feel an urgency calling me toward it. I want to go, serve, fly to far away foreign lands, stay here, whatever may come I want to dedicate my life to knowing Him better, sharing with His children, and not getting caught up with something that may come in the future or cling to something that is not guaranteed.

I want to invest myself in things of eternal value and give up the rest.

If I claim to believe His plan will prevail, I must be willing to sacrifice my own desires and trust that when the timing is right or He will be glorified more fully through me in a union with another, He will make that evident and see it through.

In the mean time, I'm called and don't see signs of being called out.

He is faithful, I believe that above everything else and that's enough.

Summer Lessons

Reminiscing on this summer, I have learned many things. I decided I will make a list of the top 7.

1. To Laugh- I don't mean a small, silly laugh. I've learned to laugh from the deepest pit of my soul, probably obnoxiously loud, but when joined by others, just made to be even funnier. I know this particular lesson was actually rooted in one I have been incredibly focused on prayerfully for the past year-in-a-half. There is beauty in letting loose the things that get you down, to completely forget about them when in the company of good friends. Letting go of worries or burdens or stressful things in life has made the time spent with loved ones that much sweeter and full of life, because it isn't enjoyed through the lens of someone bogged down by others. I've learned to laugh with my whole heart because I have learned to be entirely submerged in the present moment without being caught up in the past ones.

 2. To Rest- There is something overwhelmingly peaceful about escaping to a place without another soul in sight, hiking up hills alone or driving in silence to simply be still in His presence. I was constantly reminded this summer that despite the chaos of this busy life, I am cherished by the Creator & Savior of the world and He is near to me immediately when I call on Him.

3. Accountability- I have been blessed to have served as a summer Bible study leader at a local church, full of lovely women who asked hard questions, loved me/each other well, and taught me what it meant to humbly come before other Christian girls who are walking in my season of life, wanting to be openly broken with one another but undeservingly, redeemed by the Grace of God. It has been some of the sweetest moments of my life. God made those sweet girls the highlight of my summer instead of the vacations or beach trips that summer usually holds--He has given me a dose of contentment investing in the girls who showed up weekly to read, chat, pray, laugh, cry, and live life together with a common goal: Internalizing their identities in Christ. 

4. To Be Grateful- I heard this idea presented in a sermon that people tend to settle on spouses who have about 80% of the qualities one may look for & it is when they go seeking for the missing 20% that trouble arises. While this specific analogy is marriage based, it works for life in general, as well. I think we spend most of our lives focusing on the 20% of things we do not have. We pray for specifics and we are upset when we believe that our prayers have gone unanswered. I have opted to focus on the blessings of my life this summer and have been graciously joyful over the things I had once overlooked that now, stand in the light. He is faithful through every trial, every lesson, every hardship of the past--He will be faithful, always.

 

5. Simplicity- I had a moment a few years ago when I went with a friend to the smallest town I had ever seen, never heard of, and stayed in a air-condition-less, one room cabin for a week. I learned in that week a few things that are still catching up to me today: first, how incredibly spoiled I am, without even realizing it & secondly, how sweet it is to get away from the busyness of online interactions, ringing cell phones, fancy restaurants, yes, even air-conditioning. It ended up pouring down rain, bursting lightning, and crackling thunder for most of the week but you know what? It was one of the fondest moments of my life to simply lay in the quilted bed of that cabin to read a book or silently watch the rain hit the glass window. I am reminded this summer how much simplicity can mean when we allow ourselves to be immersed in it. 

6. To Hold On- The start of this summer brought much confusion and turmoil in my personal life, for so many reasons I may never be able to voice to the world. Ultimately, I have learned what it means to heartbroken and indecisive and hurt and lonely and strange. I've learned when to face things head on and when to let them go. But mostly I've felt the pain of others who have walked away or walked back in and instead, I have decided to enjoy the ones that stay and to stay, myself. We will let people into our hearts, into our lives, in on our secrets, into private sectors of our lives and it is worth it, even if they decide to leave. I have learned to pick myself up after unimaginable circumstances and then to invest in people I desire to be close with, despite the risks involved because it is worth whatever may come of it, every single time.

Mom: "Baby, this world is full of people who will willingly walk out on you."

Me: "...but how sweet it is when you let them in and they stay..."

7. Call Me Out- I was completely convicted (as mentioned in a previous blog) by Matthew 14 late in my summer Bible study, when Peter asks Jesus to call him out upon the water. I have been praying to be bold enough to set down my own desires, to listen to the callings on my life, and for courage enough to take hold of them. I want to be prepared for what God has for me and be desiring Him more than anything else, knowing my contentment and eternity is failed to be made full without Him. He has gently put my priorities in line this summer and now I feel free to walk in His light, in His Truth, and to be praying radical things, with Faith that nothing is impossible for our God.

 So, as this summer concludes I am intentionally grateful for each lesson I learned, even the tough ones and cannot wait to walk into the next season of my life more prepared because of them.

Prove Them Wrong

If you are coming into college, when everyone is telling you not to put off the "harder" classes until the end, LISTEN!

Luckily, since I spent the first few years in college as a Biology major, I had lots of science under my belt early on. Unfortunately, when I transferred to the College Station campus, the requirements for basics changed drastically and I found myself faced more dreaded math classes ahead and a blank field of 14 hours of foreign language needing to be fulfilled. Just saying that still makes me cringe.

Somehow, by the Grace of God, alone, I got a "B" in business calculus and thought whatever a course labeled "Logic" would be for my next math credit couldn't be as tough as the previous one. Long story short, I didn't do well in logic the first time and decided to retake it for the GPA boost this summer.

The first day of class the professor told us that this would be one of the toughest courses we would ever have to take. He also recommended that if we were taking other courses (I was enrolled in 9 hours) or working (on my grind, daily) that we would not excel. I heard him clearly but I'm stubborn and thought, I've done worse. Not to mention the fact that it was crunch time and I couldn't afford to put this course off any longer if I wanted to successfully graduate this December.

So, I stuck with it...

& it was really tough...

But I met some wonderful people who were patient enough to tutor, guide, help, and encourage me in so many different ways that somehow, I soon felt prepared.

I took that final and received an email a few days later saying I had earned one of the top grades in the class and a recommendation to move further into the next course. While I laughed this off, I realized what an accomplishment this was and how proud I was for sticking it out, despite the warnings or negative past experiences.

In addition to Logic, I am also currently enrolled in my fourth and final foreign language course. I had put this off until last semester when I realized I hadn't started even the first of my 4 classes needed and I only had a year left of school. By the end of this summer, I will have successfully completed all 14 hours needed for my degree plan in only 7 months. I did the expensive, fast track of language but am so joyful that I did and they are now almost complete.

So, I'll leave you with this-- something I've learned over and over in my college season and hope will carry over into whatever I pursue beyond this:

When people hand you seemingly possible situations, trust that nothing is impossible when God is on your side and then once you've internalized that truth, prove them wrong.

Maybe Summer

I thought in many ways this summer would feel small. I didn't have any grand vacations planned, no traveling overseas to share the Gospel, just working, taking classes, and seeing what came up along the way.

I love how sometimes the Lord reveals better plans to us.

I've had the opportunity to serve as a leader for what Grace Bible Church likes to call "Growth Groups" and have fallen humbly into this loving group of sweet girls who love the Lord and want to know Him more. I have learned so much sharing personal stories, tears, laughs, and traveling through the journey of Peter in the Bible alongside them. As I have been challenged to memorize scripture each week, I've found myself more equipped to use it, more willing to share it, more joyful to be saved by Amazing Grace, encouraging others to do the same.

A few of the girls I share my Thursday nights with. :)

Last week we looked at Matthew 14 and verse hit me deeper than before.

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water." 
(Matthew 14:28)

I want to be like Peter in this specific moment. I want to be asking to be commanded by the Lord, despite risks. I want to leave my doubt knowing Jesus is near to me and in return, have my Faith renewed.

Maybe that's exactly what this summer is supposed to be about.

Maybe all the extras of finding a really sweet, Godly man excitedly pursuing me or getting to enjoy the perks of this college town with my roommates, etc....maybe those are extra.

I feel so blessed, so sweetly surprised, and so undeservingly loved.

This summer has had so many small moments that have added up to something unforgettable: lifelong friendships, new opportunities, and to put it simply, Faith, an abundance of blind Faith that is growing.

Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the water

wherever you would call me.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

& my Faith will be made stronger

in the presence of my Savior.