Monday Blues

After today I'll have another Monday under my belt. That's the way I measure things now days. I tell myself the things I have to do one day at a time, then one week is complete and then a month and finally whatever I was looking forward to is here. This mindset started in college only, it worked the other way around. It was spent wishing time would slow down-- wishes of staying up later or longer with friends, more time to study for exams or play around in the library to do absolutely anything to avoid studying for exams or to sleep after exams were over, more time to figure out what I was supposed to do in this life.

Now days, I work and make dinner at home because it's too far to drive into town. I try to stay out of gossip and away from those it usually stems from even when that means running away to just be alone or locking myself in my room with a funny movie. I have this gorgeous ring on my left hand signifying my promise to someone, a promise I'm so joyous to see through but have to wait six long months to fulfill. Being an adult is hard but being in this middle stage of not yet "crossing over" is an even more odd place to be. I have adult responsibilities while still living with potluck roommates. It's very much still like college minus ....all of the things you look back fondly to recall now.

There are so many things I still feel I do not have control of.

I imagined this cute tiny apartment that I would live in alone and decorate however I wanted because I LOVE decorating. I imagined companies would fight for me because I was personable and had fresh ideas. I imagined people would speak aloud the positive reinforcement I desire to hear. I imagined I would still be learning new things every day.

I have to sit still and quiet, surrounded by strangers in a town I will never be familiar with to remind myself that what I'm doing currently is not in vain. God will not leave me walking blindly on my own even when I do not see or understand where I am headed. I will get through this season and the next won't look exactly how I always imagined either but it will still be good and refining in its own way and in the midst of that time, too, I'll be thankful.

Today is only one Monday in a long string of Mondays. They have a bad reputation. Today is not a bad day, it's just one day, soon the week will be over and the thing I am looking forward to will be here.

The 12th Man

In the nostalgia of Aggie Football beginning today, the first season in nearly 4 years I have ever had to witness from a distance, I began the scroll through old pictures, shed a few tears, and let my heart really really miss College Station, TX.

When I think of football, I think of the 12th Man, which at Texas A&M University means the 60,000+ student body that shows up to Kyle Field for games, stands in the burning sun or the chilly rain for the entirety of the game to simply, show up in support. They have names for those who leave early and celebrations for those who stay late.

The 12th Man doesn't end there. It is a unified group of people that know what it is to work hard, to give selflessly, to honor those who came before them. It is a community of people who believe in good works and are always willing to lend a helping hand. Aggieland is full of friendly greetings, new friends, and an opportunity to get a top-notch education.

Aggieland to me was a family who understood the exact season I was in and lived it alongside me.

Now that I sit to explain it, I can't. They told me going in that there was a "spirit, can ne'er be told" I didn't believe it until now. I miss the professors that knew my name and cared about my dreams. I miss the joy of running into Reveille on campus. I miss the sound of spurs on the sidewalk, the sound of Bugle Calls at games, and the sound of immense silence at Muster as names of lost are called for the year. I miss BBQ's that brought former students out, the pond hopping, the roots of tradition, and beauty of a brisk walk around campus at night.

I could go on and on for days at the ways being an Aggie has changed my life. I could tell you how my walk with Christ was enhanced by the sweetest ministries I got involved in there or how after football games we would have lost our voices from yelling so loudly. It was the place that I felt most myself and had more fun than ever. The only place I look back on now when I think of too hot Texas that I would truly consider living again.

Instead, I'll say this, "Aggieland is home" because it's true. I miss it today as football begins again and I'll miss it always.

No Goodness is Withheld

The Lord does not withhold good things.

This was the reminder I write on a thin blue piece of fabric and tied to my ankle as the summer began, our first summer as Glorieta 2.0.  After months of preparation and uncertainty, of joys and hard work, of tears, laughter, and anticipation, summer had arrived.

Quickly seasonal staff trickled into our hearts and before we knew it, we were hugging goodbye, wrapping up final debriefs, watching new friends hit the road.

Now, as this beautiful place empties out, the rain falls, and the crisp fall air blows in, I am reminded that even when things didn’t go as planned or look exactly like we may have thought they would, He is still faithful. The mountains still boast of the work He did/is doing here.

Everything good still flows from Him.

It’s easy while working in full time ministry to recognize the life-change happening all around you, it’s good, it’s necessary. Outside of those humbling moments I had a few personal moments of awe, of change, of grace that I have just now really had the energy to sift through, leading me toward more thankfulness.

Now, I almost didn’t share this next part just because it felt vulnerable and honestly, when things sweetly move me, I want them to be completely mine, unshared. I want, also, to give a glimpse of how faithful the Lord has been in answering a longtime prayer, giving more than imagined, and continually pointing me back to Him so, I’ll proceed.

I know of no good way to start this story but to admit that I am covered with a blemishing past; a past rich in disappointing relationships that have broken me down or stolen from the identity I have in Christ.

I am thankful for the last few years of clarity, peace, singleness, freedom, and restoration. In that time I prayed fiercely that the next person to pursue me would do so with good intentions-- that I would never have a reason to doubt or fear or feel uncertain. Little did I know, that’s exactly what was soon to come.

Now I am entering into another season of life. A season that started pretty recently as I sat on a couch next to a man watching a silly animated movie feeling intrigue creep into the seat between us. That very night he asked me out on what would be our first date. Thank you, Jesus, for not making me wait or worry or doubt if this feeling was mutual. Thank you for his intentionality to boldly ask me and not leave me to wonder.

Long story short, in an odd series of events I met his entire immediate family the same week as our date. I remembered feeling so flattered by how special they made me feel, so touched that he had already mentioned me to them, and so proud to be potentially moving forward with someone who was raised by such thoughtful people. It was hard not to fall deeper into what had just begun nights before after that particular encounter.

In following weeks I took him to the rehearsal dinner of my very best friend. He met lots of people that I care immensely for. Most people made the assumption that we were already dating so we played along. He hit it off so well with the crowd there that seemingly every time he would turn his back, someone would be signing or whispering for me to “keep him”.

We stayed up late giggling and conversing about whatever two people talk about in a family’s not-so-private living room, as he stayed as a guest in our home to accompany me to various wedding events. As the weekend came to a close I think we both knew we wanted to be exclusive. That night he told me things he enjoyed about me and asked if I would be his girlfriend.

This entire conversation I felt so overwhelmed at how good our God is. He makes our blemishing ashes lessons for light. He gets rid of things of the past and makes us new. I was joyous that He had not only answered even the quietest of prayers but also, in better timing and in gentler circumstances.

He is faithful. He gives us the desires of our heart even when we are in the midst of begging our hearts to change their minds instead.

So, when I said “yes” to this simple question I wasn’t just committing to be an exclusive partner. I was saying “yes” to letting my heart become vulnerable to a man I know puts it in the hands of another man; a man who knows me better than I know myself because he knitted me together, wonderfully, beautifully. I was saying “yes” to acknowledging that the Lord has not forgotten the cries of my heart. “Yes” to considering another person’s spiritual wellbeing so that we can glorify our Maker better together than we have apart.

That one word was loaded with unspoken promise and I was glad to say it.

Now, as I consider what this recent role has taught me, it’s this: Godly relationships are mirrors. I have seen my character more clearly in the past few weeks than I had before. When I complain, I am quick to consider the impact it is having on this sweet man who simply listens because he is constantly considering my feelings and wanting to do right by me. I stop out of guilt and remind myself, I need to spend some quiet time in Truth today instead.

This relationship is a mirror because when we share prayer requests or compliment each other, we are each uplifted for uplifting the other. I see myself better—areas I need to grow in, things I am good at, what I do that is caring to others, ways that Jesus loves despite all else & how I can too.

Ultimately, I am thankful that the Lord was not only faithful in providing a partner to understand, inspire, reassure, and pray for me; He provided an outlet to show me His own character and how to strive to be more like it.

He gave me a mirror to mirror His image for me and in turn, build me up to more closely shadow Him.

I hope that you will also tie truth to yourself and let it never flee you.

I hope you have people that constantly point you toward Jesus and that you become more like Him because of it.

I hope you have precise prayers you can point back to that have been answered, even if differently than expected and realize His way is better.

The Lord does not withhold good things.

Lovely But Lost

I see you. I see as you gracefully stroll through life as though you are fine being independent of all else. I see you make everything look so easy, even when you're hurting or confused. You don't have me fooled because I know you. I know where you are in life because I've been there too. I know where you come from. I know what it's like to come from a broken family that instilled so much fear-- fear of marriage, divorce, commitment, rejection, abandonment, loneliness, of absolutely every emotion the world has to offer. I know what it's like to move, to change, to desire running away to start a different life, to not want to ever trust anyone again.

But you have to know this: I love you. I love you without reason or condition. I love you when you're terribly attempting to shut people out, pretending that those who aren't close to you can't hurt you if you are avoiding them. I believe you when you say that you don't believe in God, in any afterlife at all. But...I love you. I cannot make my heart accept or be at peace with your excuses or distance. I cannot sleep at night knowing I will lose you. I am sprinting away from the fact I must acknowledge that you are just that, lost.

You have so much going for you.

You are unfairly beautiful. The kind of beautiful that people take notice of and admire. The kind of beautiful that walks into a room and all eyes fall upon, unable to look away. The kind of beautiful that can manipulate anyone to do anything for. I can't imagine the radiance you'd have if you truly accepted the love of the Lord. I can't imagine you being anymore beautiful than you already are but I pray to see a day that you will be. I pray to see the day that your beauty stops stemming from a foundation of worldy perspectives and starts stemming from the true roots of love and beauty-- the beauty of being cleansed and covered by the blameless blood of Christ, who died for you, paying a debt we have all earned with a punishment that we all deserve. I pray that your beauty will be less about your physical features or your bubbly personality and more about the overflow of goodness because of a God you've decided to put a faith in, your faith in.

Dependence

I decided at the beginning of the most recent summer that I would truly start living out a plea, calling my life's author to do as He will, despite my plans, no matter what exactly that meant for my future. Looking back, leaving things to the Lord has brought unexpected, wonderful opportunities I could have never planned for on my own.

I am constantly reminded of His faithfulness and grace to those who trust Him. 

The kids at work often tell each other, "you get what you get & you don't throw a fit." I found myself wanting to throw a "fit"as I entered into what seemed like a period of silence as I patiently awaited feedback after applying for various post-grad positions. I refrained from the hypothetical tantrum because I knew that He would do as He has planned, despite me, just as I had asked of Him and that ultimately, I wanted His story more than I wanted to write my own.

I started praying for really specific things, a tool I learned in a small group I was in this semester and I started feeling an overwhelming sense of peace about exactly where I was supposed to be.

Our God is a God of clarity, not uncertainty or fear. 

He does not deny us delightful things. He isn't dangling these great opportunities in front of us to make us feel as though we are inadequate. He purposely shields us from getting things prior to His perfect timing so that our dependence on Him grows. 

I closed my eyes, took a step that felt risky, and awoke before a welcoming door that urgently drew me toward it. 

Now, I am walking through, with divine discernment, an excited heart, and a dependence that will move mountains to create the adventure of a lifetime. 

Showers of Faithfulness

As I sit in a waiting period of life I am reminded of a seemingly impossible prayer I had been convicted of and prayerful about a few years ago. I remember how scared I was of rejection, of not getting accepted into this particular opportunity, while simultaneously, trying to fight back joy just thinking forward to potentially getting it.

That time it was applying for A&M. I wasn't guaranteed scholarships or admission, I was promised nothing at all and that's exactly what I heard for weeks-- nothing. I just felt a deep desire to transfer there so, I applied. I can remember playing the what-if I get in vs. what if I don't game in my head through what seemed like a lifetime of waiting. I even bought an A&M window decal and switched it in the company of a close friend. We stopped right after and simply prayed, God, please make this into a reality...but if you don't I'll still trust you, I'll just have to change my car sticker again. But He made it happen. I got in. I remember checking online every single day in anxiousness for news, any news, hopefully good. & eventually, I got it. I was painfully patient and He saw it through. I laugh now and I can barely remember what it felt to wait at all.

He was faithful.

I have not forgotten His faithfulness,

even now

while

I sit again, having turned in all the paperwork, done the interviews, submitted the references, set my heart on one opportunity in-particular but glad for the option of applying to several, just in case.

I have seen doors I figured as a possible future close before my eyes ...but I don't feel hurt. Now I recognize that I had no emotional ties to grad school at this point in time but when I think of ministry, I have joy in hearing back again. I have hope and I can clearly call out the lies of evil that creep in to manipulate certain feelings of fear into my system. I know Truth more intimately than ever before and I have testimony of His faithfulness to me, I am constantly comforted by it.

& I know just like before, this waiting period will be soon forgotten because His faithfulness with flood in again, just like acceptance into A&M, just like always.

And if it doesn't look exactly like I'd hoped it would, I know how this story ends. I know He is victorious and that I am a co-heir with Christ. I know that He is faithful and I have an eternity to look forward to with Him. I know that in the meantime, He will shower blessings upon those who are willing to serve Him. I am willing and hopeful and He will see it through, I'm sure of it.

Sweet Truth

You know when someone says something sweet that catches you off-guard?

I have the greatest pleasure to work for an A&M affiliated program that allows me to work with over 50 elementary aged students as their "Aggie teacher" after school.

One little girl decided to join our spelling group today as we practiced reading sight words who was not in our usually clan. They were all sitting too close to me, some even on top of my folded feet or leaning against my trapped arms. I constantly tell them to back up a little so I can be mobile again but that is not a popular idea there when I am outnumbered rarely less than 1:10. So, without using arms I attempt to direct these huge personalities in tiny bodies to do something productive instead of argue over who gets to sit next to me, etc.

In the midst of this chaos, the newest girl with her sweet braided pigtails, purple rimmed glasses, crooked smile, kindergarten-tied-scarf, childlike giggle, peeks up at me and whispers, "I really like you. You have a kind heart."

For a moment I think the entire world stopped--not only because I was impressed by her choice of words for the mere age of 5, but also because that could have been the single, most thoughtful thing anyone has said to me, ever.

 After lots of sad goodbye's, pleas for me to stay later, and numerous (& welcomed!) hugs, I departed for the day. On the drive home the comment kept replaying in my head. I have always admired the filter-less character of children. They say absolutely anything that they think, whether it is gentle or not. They say it to each other, they say it to strangers, they say it to close friends, and they say it to me.

Just a few weeks ago for drug-free red ribbon week it was pajama day, I jokingly pulled my hair out of it's carelessly tied up bun, waved it around and laughingly asked a few kids if I looked like Sleeping Beauty, to which they shouted, "NO!"....again, no filter.

But now, this.

I end today thankful for truth and urge us, as a society, as people who like to hear positive things--simply, speak truth.

Speak sweet truths aloud. They could make a bigger, more lasting impact than you imagine.