First of the Last Year

Well, school is well underway & with three days under my belt I'm feeling challenged and really excited about the next few months. I am taking several writing intensive classes, which, surprisingly, are my favorites. I love classes that are small enough to have discussions, getting to voice opinions & I really enjoy writing. So, even though it is a tough feat to attend SIX classes on Wednesday's alone, I'm looking forward to it.


I have run into so many old friends on campus and met so many new ones.

I am not going to take one day for granted that I have left here because really, I'm so close to the end and that I don't have time or energy to waste. So, here's to a busy, memorable, joyful journey that I will never forget.

I'm looking forward to all the plans God has in store that I do not yet know about-- I'm up for a little mystery this semester. :)

Thanks & GIG'EM!

Love Me Tender.

I don't know how many times I will have to quiet down my life to hear you speak patience into my heart again, Lord. How many times will you challenge me to surrender this silly plan I convince myself I have under control or how many times I'll split-heartedly say I'm yours, alone. 

I left America in May, boarded a plane to Asia and prayed hard for 6 weeks that all the internal turmoil that flew there along with me would soon depart. I didn't want any thoughts of bills or boys or even the smallest distraction to get in the way of the mission I knew God had foreseen for me this summer.

He took it all away from me. I could sleep at night. I didn't miss things I had or people I knew back home. I learned what it meant to truly live in the moment and let my deep desire to be wanted by the opposite gender completely dissolve.

I had never felt so free or aware of the Lord's presence as I did standing in that moment.
But also, never so aware of how fragile and tender my tendencies to be vulnerable to people made me.
How breakable I felt, ...I feel.

That's the thing about summer, though, you can forget anything for a few months but when you make your way back to everything that is familiar, it's hard to continue ignoring that it's there.

The night before our journey back home it all overwhelmed me again. I returned heavy and as much as I try to fight it, I can't shake it off and the busyness of school has yet to even begin.

After Asia, I stayed home a few weeks doing new things to ruin my routine of sameness, which helped a lot. Then I came back to College Station where everything I needed to find refuge far, far away from came flooding back, drowning me in confusion.

It seems that I am re-opening the last wounded chapter of my life when really all I truly yearn for is an abundance of simple, silent moments to lay down in awe as God writes a brand new one.

It's a long & broken moment to try & have it all together as everything falls apart; bittersweet to want as I attempt to want not.

So, love me tender, Lord, as only you know how to. Overwhelm me with nothing but your love and trust in your plan as you put everything into place. Teach my heart to want not & guide my thoughts to only your light, let all else fade away.

Season of Enlightenment

I have been finding myself in a place I don't think I've ever been before, new territory, not physically but mentally, spiritually. I find myself letting go of things I've dreamed of having my entire life, things like marriage. The timeline I had planned in my head for nearly 22 years, down the drain.

Asia changed my life.
I am not the same girl.
The change didn't come while overseas exactly, though I knew it was happening then, but upon my return, I know it to be true. I am more aware. I have more control over how I handle different situations and am definitely more conscious of the ways I want to be better to others, to love them well.

I feel less attached to the things I clung to before.

I am holding my entire world and everything in it so loosely because I am holding Him tight.
People can't have God and the world all at once, it's a choice & I've made it.

I don't need any of that anymore. The things the world tells us that we need, the "American Dream".

For so long, I've looked at things like settling down, having a family, & attaining a comfortable lifestyle, as a certain mark to reach. I want them, yes & though I know God will provide in much better timing than my own, I don't dream of those things any longer. My dreams have become more tangible,  within my current reach. They have nothing to do with being patient or submissive, they have no commands but 10 and come down to one word: Faith.

I want to travel near and far, ditching fears along the way to just make His name known among the nations. I want to hear and tell stories of heartache, trial, and of the Faithfulness & provision that turned it around, made it beautiful.

"In youth we learn, in age we understand."

While I have much left to learn, I feel I am also entering into a season of enlightenment, of understanding things I had never pondered before. I am in a state of complete contentment.

But really, my heart is all but busting at the seams screaming,

"Here I am, send me!"

And all I really want is for this season I'm labeling 'Enlightenment' is to continue growing here, elsewhere, all over the world. Mostly, I pray the growth makes its biggest movement within me so that I don't have to be aware of things, that loving people well is just spilling over the rim of my being because I've been so consumed in His perfect love for me.

Hostess

In Asia, as we immersed ourselves into a new culture & met friends, they were the most hospitable people I had ever met. They always offered to pay for our meals or drinks or anything, not because it was nice but because it was their honor for us to be their guest.

I want to live more like that, as though surrounding myself with others is my honor. I want to find joy in serving others, not just overseas but in every day things.