Christmas Cheer

This Christmas was full of surprises!

I came home about a week later than usual so it was even more of an occasion. I got the usual welcome home committee & greetings from a house full of extended family. Since everyone had places to travel, we met at my grandparents new house in Bulverde, TX to eat a gloriously filling lunch and open a few presents on the eve of Christmas eve. It was so much fun to see some distant family this year. We got to eat turkey, ham, homemade pie, and lots of delicious foods my grandparents are legends for providing on the holidays. It was a wonderful night full of fun and laughter.

My sister's longtime boyfriend, Nick's family also joined us from Corpus Christi, TX this year. Parents, children, toddlers, aunts, uncles, granny's, cousins, sisters, brothers, friends, everyone was invited to a Christmas Eve party at my elder sister, Kori & Nick's brand new house to celebrate. For one, the house looked absolutely gorgeous! They just recently planted roots in San Antonio, TX and found a house that flatters them so well. It was a wonderful host house, flows well, spacious rooms for lots of fellowship. We decided to mix it up this year and have barbeque, baked potatoes, mac'n'cheese, green bean casserole, creamy corn, salad, Irish cream cake, pretty much every great non-traditional Christmas food, which was amazing and a nice break from the usual week of turkey. Mmm.

The little girls colored and played hide'n'seek, they entertained us all with shrieks of happiness and joy. We were even introduced to a new tradition from Nick's side of the family of simply singing Christmas carols together (accapella), which was actually really sweet and really funny. When we didn't catch the case of giggles, we had a grand ol' time. I hope that tradition sticks.

Before we ate, everyone stood & gathered in a circle to hold hands and pray. It was a sweet and simple reminder of the birth of Jesus and the true meaning of Christmas that we so easily forget sometimes in the hustle & bustle of buying gifts. A savior was born & our lives are made complete knowing we have paradise to look forward to because Jesus has paid the debt for our sins. We are thankful.

I have been so blessed to witness the progression of two families being sewn into one over the years and had so much fun spending Christmas under one roof eating some delicious food and getting to catch up with loved ones we don't get to see every day. I wish I had gotten more pictures of everyone. We even celebrated Nick's granny's 81st birthday. We had lots of cake, ice cream, ice cream cake, everything to make one start rolling instead of walking.

As the night concluded, my immediate family attended the candlelight service. Then we headed home to open presents, a family tradition we have carried on for years, Christmas Eve presents before Santa comes in the night.

We also drove around Windcrest to look at all the Christmas lights in the convertible snuggled together under blankets to save us from the brisk wind.

Funny that I am now 22 years old & this is the first time we have ever acknowledged that Santa is not actually the person that knows princess bandaids and lifesavor gummies are good stocking stuffers, no matter the age. This is the first Christmas it was alright to say aloud that Santa isn't real but the spirit of Christmas was far from fake.

It has been a lazy Christmas day full of Christmas movies, "Merry Christmas" calls, texts, and celebration from those we couldn't be with and lots of anticipation for a new year full of journeys that make Christmas joy stick around all year long: love.

So, this years resolution is not to hold happiness an arm's length away from myself. I want to completely and whole-heartedly invest in the things that make me genuinely happy & to simply enjoy them with the spirit of love, the spirit of Christmas & the reason for them both close to heart, Jesus.

Here's to Aggieland.

Today I am overwhelmingly reminded how much I love this town. I love the way my puppy chases the leaves by the pond across the street. I love the many parks and trails. I love that it is full of youthful fun, big dreams, and gold rings. I love meeting new people, exploring new buildings, traditions. I love that as an Aggie you are never forgotten. I love meeting old Ags and swapping stories. I love the football games, midnight yell, the many things that make Aggieland so unique. I love it here and I am in no hurry to leave.

I love that each credit I gain, each person I meet, each life lesson I conquer outside of the classroom was all part of the plan, God's plan that continues to sweetly surprise me. I remember how hard I worked to get here and I remember how hard the semester when I found out I had been accepted was to finish elsewhere because I just could not bare to be anywhere but College Station. I was so excited for the chapter Aggieland would open I couldn't stand it. I was beyond myself to move here and until I feel that excited about whatever is next in my life, I won't go. I will not feel mediocre or apathetic toward what is in store after college. So, I'm gonna stretch college out a little longer because I love where I am and see plenty of potential right here.

So, not yet will I leave.
I don't know what I want to do after college & that's okay.
Sure, I'll get a job, go to grad school somewhere else, whatever else, but not yet.

So goodbye to the plans I had for graduating on time.
Goodbye to chasing everyone else's dream.
Goodbye to 18 hour course loads and the balancing act of an overpacked schedule of work, school and minimal play. I am here to learn, yes, but I am not here to nearly suffocate myself in the amount of work I strive to do all at once. This semester was one of the worst & I can now pinpoint why. I was playing catch up, playing by everyone else's rules to gain the same result of those around me but that's not me. I have to do what is best for me, individually and sometimes selfishly take absolutely everyone else out of the equation.

So, I have & this is what I have concluded:

I'll potentially graduate in December of 2013. I will not overwhelm myself with school or work. I'll get my ring whenever I can afford to pay for it myself. & after all of that? We'll see. I will go from there.

I have been so peaceful and content lately with where I am and admitting that I don't want to graduate yet or in May ...or in August. I still feel really young. I'm not ready for the corporate world ringer. I'm not ready to be engaged or paying for a life I think sounds nice. I'm not ready to leave Aggieland.

I just want to be young for the last time in my life. I want a year of finishing up and not worrying how or when things will work out. I want one more year before I have to make any huge decisions and be alright with the idea of knowing what I have to do won't always match others' plans but they're mine & it's good.

So, here's to Aggieland & all that it still has to offer
Whoop! :)

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, 

who have been called according to His purpose.

(Romans 8:28)

Dose of Doubt

"Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial; but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth."
Ambrose Bierce 

Now, I see things for what they truly are.

I recognize that having a little doubt is just an indication of the decision process of an intelligent adult, it's not something to flee from.

A healthy dose of doubt keeps us from rushing into potentially harmful things, like relationships or moving across the world from our families. Doubt keeps us on the fence, with just enough time to logically consider both options before taking the plunge into one side or the other.

That's the thing though, we run from doubt. We claim that if there is doubt then it must not be the right thing for us, not the "right" person. We think if we aren't 100% sure about someone then it is better to walk away than to take a risk.

I disagree. I say, everything good in life involves risk and if you aren't willing to pursue it when things are hard or when have doubts, you don't deserve to have it at all.

If you let doubt scare you away from something, if you refuse the attempt to shed light on the uncertain areas ahead of you and rather, turn back instead, you lose. You lose opportunities when you let the fear of confronting doubt stand in your way.

Because a little bit of doubt is good. Doubt is the security blanket between us and being overly exposed. Doubt is risky.

Every good journey starts with taking a risk.
Don't let doubt confine you.

Camp Memoir

I am finally getting around to writing this, if not for the actual memoir of Camp Eagle, for my own personal recollection.

To summarize what the experiences of Camp Eagle have taught me, I'll say this:

Firstly, I learned how God allows us to experience Him through different aspects of his creation. Whether it was through the people or the most beautiful pieces of nature I found myself entangled in, I was constantly aware of his presence out at camp. There is this mysterious way that the Lord captures your heart and sets it solely upon Mim while you are out there. There is little time or desire to wish for the things of the world, the buildings that obstruct views, or the lukewarm American dream. When I am under the stars on the smooth rocks of  the 'bathtubs' or leaping into the refreshingly clear river, or cave spelunking deep beneath the earth, or floating in the mud pit or worshipping in the pavilion, I am all there. The many beauties of His creation taught me what it meant to be completely, undividedly present within a particular moment in time and to embrace all that it had to offer.

As a camper I learned what it meant to surrender to plans of the Lord. What it was to profess my faith, which led to a public display of my testimony & the sweet moment that was my baptism in that chilly July river. That was the first time I had ever shared my testimony and the start of what would be a journey that would ask me to continue to share it abundantly.

As a counselor, I sought to find confidence in the Lord's ability to use even the darkest parts of my story to change lives and I found great joy as He did exactly that. I would pray each week with new groups of campers that he would reveal what He had brought me out of and how He had worked significantly on my heart since. Then, each week something else vulnerable and hard and scary would come into light. I learned to find not fear, but freedom in sharing my heartache, abandonment, impurities, all of the blemishes of my life and to walk away knowing I didn't have to carry them alone.

I learned to let the big things be important and the petty things fall away while living in close quarters with at least 13 other girls. Humility was a lesson many of us learned that summer, whether it was through another girl crushing on the same guy or just not letting myself get in the way of the ministry being done. I figured out quickly that I was not important in the ways God was rapidly and evidently moving all across camp and through those that found themselves changed there. It could go on if I wasn't there but I had this really awesome opportunity to simply be apart of it and I wouldn't have traded it for anything else.

Being involved in such a close-knit community of counselors, I saw what a man pursuing the Lord truly looked like. I internalized the fact that they aren't these perfect guys that have no struggle, rather they struggle with the same things anybody else may but their focal point of Jesus sets them straight again. It was a sweet reminder that we are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God but that He still believes us to be precious and uses us in mighty ways despite.

I saw the fellowship of a strong community of Christian men. We women got to partner with a different guy each week and see them lead in such inspiring ways. I learned that even a Christian man has struggles and is guilty of sin. There is no perfect man. That may have been one of the most impactful lessons in store for me that summer, that I did not have to be perfectly pursuing the Lord without failure to find a man that was a strong and faithful leader. I fell in love with many attributes that pointed back to the Lord, embodied by these guys I lived life with each day, which encouraged my dependence on the Lord with my future and with my potential mate with whatever journey he is currently walking through (wherever/whoever "he" may be).

I learned the might of a faithful woman devoted to prayer. I saw prayer move mountains, change hearts and impact lives, including our own. I saw a group of about twenty women pray and overcome obstacles by addressing them head-on after giving them up to God. I watched that same group live together in a cabin for thirteen weeks without one single quarrel, that in itself is incredible and unheard of but I witnessed it and it was real. Women living in tune with other women was one of the most beautiful, joyous occasions. I learned what it meant to have empathy toward one another, to hold each other accountable, to ask the hard questions, and to acknowledge we were not in competition but running the same race, on the same team, toward the same perfect goal of bringing Him glory.

I learned what it meant to rest in the Lord. To find a certain peace in spending a quiet alone time with him and what a difference this could make in the start of a day.

Just to mention a few...
Camp Eagle is a special place
& Jesus is a merciful God.

Poison

I am drowning in a disheartening poison.

I have realized lately what an emphasis I put on labels. "Girlfriend" specifically. I was one for years, well into college and naively, I felt that I could offer relationship advice that was solidified by a lengthy relationship, whether it was Christ-centered or not (not). I found joy in helping those in relationship crises. I felt valued to have someone committed to me, alone. My time was occupied with whispers of sweet nothings, love letters, flowers, piggyback rides, adventure, and an abundance of love I thought would never leave. I felt secure in knowing that whatever I wanted to do, I would always have someone to do it with, someone that wanted to make me happy and would always take my side. I felt loved, even if only temporarily. I felt beautiful and confident because I had constant reassurance and that alone was enough to me then.

But it didn't come from the Lord, any of it.

There was poison then that I allowed to disguised itself as a sweet, snuggly, reassuring voice in my head. The problem was that the voice I found when I felt low or in need of filling for a void, I found in a longterm relationship. I found my identity in that label. I found my value in our commitment to remain exclusive for a "long" space of time. I was a "girlfriend" and not much else.

Now, having survived being restrained by a new lone label for over a year, I find myself envying relationships I see others developing around me. Probably because human beings are selfish and we have a hard time seeing others joyously accepting the things that we believe ourselves to also deserve.

I deserve to be pursued and chased, to have my hand held and for someone to reassure me, speak Truth into my life, encourage me. I deserve to be on a two lane road that is balanced perfectly between two people and not a single, dead-end road that leads nowhere but toward insecurity and desperation. I will not settle for less. I have to tell myself this daily. But that's what poison does, weakens your immunity to toxin in life, allowing you to enter a vulnerable state that leads to places in which you make hazy decisions, forgetting what you actually want. In the haze I remember sitting in the comfort and security of a relationship feeling sorry for my single friends. In the Truth I remember what I deserve & I hold out for it, I cast out the poison because I recognize it as such. I do not allow lies to morph themselves into the sweet form they found before.

That's the thing, I glamorized the ideas of what a relationship could be since the release of the last one and now I don't seek out all the reasons that kept me walking away instead of staying. I can no longer see the bad that outweighed the joy. I see only the things I miss about having a label (stupid, I know) and I let that poison fuel my decisions to pursue things that aren't pursuing me. I do not seek out Truth until I find myself completely engulfed by suffocating poison.

But there it is again, the loss of focus. Allowing voices to be louder than the one of God. This time though, I am willing to be patient, painfully so. I am willing to trust that the Lord has a plan for this single season, to bring value to my life through it and make it eventually recognizable. I also know and acknowledge the poison in my life, therefore it cannot hide because it stands in the light. I will not allow it to be disguised as anything but exactly what it is, deceitfulness. And I will walk independently in Truth because I know Him and his pursuit of me, more sweet than any other. I know a label that holds far more value than the one I've reflected on. There is no poison in Truth. There is no room to drown when I am overwhelmed by a perfect love that casts out all fear.

So, I challenge you today to introspectively search and bring to light the poisonous lies in your life, then let the Lord's voice be louder.

Still Moved by Asia.

I know that the Lord has started a mighty work in Asia. I have seen it and felt the movement. I have witnessed to people hearing the name of Jesus for the very first time, coming to tears. I have prayed with hundreds of friends I met under those smoggy skies and knew before even departing that I would be back there. I trusted the support of prayer warriors here in the states and now I find myself contemplating applying to go back as an intern for a year upon my upcoming completion of college.

I am standing on the middle ground between two very grassy options.

OPTION A: I graduate. I try to keep in contact with people getting on with their lives, going off to various grad programs, getting married, whatever everyone does after college. I could get a job or apply to grad school myself (which eventually I will), and then I move wherever the job or the education lead me. Eventually I'll figure out what living life there means and occasionally, I'll ask myself if I am happy and if all the patient waiting I have done for this great guy or starting this perfect family is worth it when I am still just alone, using all of the strength I can to just forget that dream for now, let it work itself out instead of hounding me.

But I mean, there are perks to this. I am close to a family I have been away from for all of college. I get to make some money and start a new chapter, which I know will be great and full of surprises, which I am totally up for.

OPTION B: I let go of every selfish desire I have held within to chase the American dream of settling down immediately after college, abandon every safe place I have known as home, release my need for certainty and simply go to Asia where there is a deep need for a God who already knows and loves those people. I cannot call this a sacrifice in the face of what Jesus did for me. Rather, I see this as a sweet opportunity to be apart of the movement that is going on around the world. I want to talk to people that can reach parts of this world that Americans cannot, to keep the spread of the Gospel going so that, in fact, all nations may hear.

So, I either sit around here simply waiting on what is next or I go and have an adventure of my own, trusting that God has had this planned for me far longer than I have acknowledged and all of that marriage/settling down stuff will come when my heart can finally be tamed.

Make it Count

I don't know how to sleep knowing what I know.

I know that college was everything and nothing I expected to be. I know that I have faced some of the most challenging, heartbreaking, I-don't-want-to-get-out-of-bed, bitter trials that I could have never imagined and also, many moments of immense joy that allowed all of those hardship to fall away completely.

I know that I am a strong, eager, respectable, determined, caring woman that is constantly moving forward, discovering truly wonderful destinations along the way. I know I am going places & I know that I will not be stopped. I also know that I wouldn't mind slowing down a bit, setting a slower pace but that it may not necessarily match the pace of those around me because we are all moving forward, unstoppable.

I know that if I let some of them walk away, I may never see them again.
I have these mixed feelings about leaving or letting people free from the confines of college I've set them in and it's scary. I'm scared.

When everything is changing around you, it doesn't matter what you want or the plans you've made with the people around you because plans aren't concrete.

Everyone is chasing dreams, leaving, pursuing what they deeply desire to be theirs.

Plans don't matter. Having an idea about what we want our futures to look like or where we are going within them...doesn't matter.

Goodbyes are coming anyway.

But the thing about plans not working out and goodbye's overwhelming our lives whether we want them to or not is that it opens this door of mysterious opportunity that has the potential to be something completely unexpected and stunningly beautiful when it catches us offguard.

So, let go of your plans and make the moment you are in count for something.

This moment is your life, the only moment we have for sure.

Because you say so

The older I get, the less I feel I know for sure.

I have fallen in love with so many things you've created, people, places but I have never known or experienced the meaning of love until I witnessed the sweetest face of a foreign girl confess her desire to know and spread the Truth of Jesus.

I have never regretted a moment of my life besides the ones I wasn't following closely with you.

I have fought you, Lord and I have lost time and time again. I pile my desires and plans and worry on top of the ones you've laid as my foundation until I can no longer see anything but my own mess. You shine light where there is darkness.

I have been dampened with spiritual warfare but the enemy, he has to leave, at the sound of your great name.

I feel like I am blindly wandering through life until I am comforted by the fact that you have gone before me, my future is history to you.

I have known many tears and heartache, none deeper than your very own heart toward the nation's that know nothing of your Gospel of salvation.

I sit in the midst of your creation and realize that I am not magnificent. I am broken. I am prideful. I have not fancy words or immeasurable wisdom but I know you. I trust you to do well in my life. I seek you to guide my weary feet. I am humbled that you use me even though you do not need me to bring glory to yourself. I am so incredibly thankful that I have had the experiences, the hurt, the joy that have made me a treasure in your hands.

So, I'll travel far, I'll dig deeply into your Truth, I'll surrender to the opportunities of eternal impact that you lay before me. I'll go, Lord, simply because you say so.

Fatherly Love

A parent can be absent in so many ways: emotionally, physically.

I had a conversation with a dear friend yesterday about how kids are often the exact product of how their parents treated them. Working with young children, I find this heartbreakingly true when they beg for attention in negative ways, just to have attention at all. Or sweet when I witness small interactions of parents behaving in silly, ridiculous ways to laugh with their children.

Then I see the evidence of my own earthly father's absence. I see it when I look into the face of my younger sister and hurt at the fact that she probably doesn't actually remember what it means to be held by a daddy that loves her or who would do absolutely anything to make her happy because he didn't stick around long enough for the memories to be her own. I feel it on my birthday when my mind wonders off, falling onto the topic of this idea of a man my eight-year-old mind reminds me of & think of how much he has missed out on through the years. 13 years, wow. Wow.

A parents absence does change the lives of their children. It changes their ability to trust or depend on others. It effects the way they perceive themselves. When a child is abandoned, emotionally or physically, or both, they develop differently than the rest of the world. They have this void inside them that is seeking to be filled.

This is where things get sticky. We can find filling anywhere, truly, but nothing fills like the sweet, precious, sacrificial love of Jesus Christ.

He is the Father to the fatherless. What God says about you is the Truth.

Don't let the mistakes of a parent or the absence of what a parent was supposed to be define you.

Read and pray through Psalm 139, please. Come to terms with your identity though your Maker, your Father's perspective.

He knows your good & bad.
He refuses to leave you.
He restores every broken thing, every broken heart, every hurt.
He makes all things new.
He fills every missing thing in life and then gives even more.

You are beautiful, gifted. You are so special and so so loved.

Just wait, He has so much in store for you.
You are not a victim of your past.
You are part of Him, adopted into His kingdom, as His child, simply as a result of believing He is what He says He is. He is pleased to bring you joy and reveal His love & mercy to you in magnificent ways.

You are His.


I am yours, Sweet Father and you love me so well. 

Earned Never Given

When I was a brand new freshman at Leander High School I walked onto that softball team with absolutely no idea of what to expect. And while I learned more than I ever thought I'd know about softball, teamwork, & working hard- I learned even more about life.

Each day at the very end of our long, sweaty, bloody, intense practice we would huddle up and break it out with the saying, "Earned Never Given".

Back then, I applied it to softball only. I knew I had to run hard, have a positive team attitude, and keep my head in the game while pitching. I knew if someone told me to slide, I better be hitting the ground hard. If someone signaled to bunt, I better not get it wrong. & I knew that at the end of those games, we would be running in front of the guests, our families, our friends, for everyone's errors not only our own. I knew that some practices where strictly training days while others we would run the entire practice and while we would have much rather been hitting with bats than hitting the track, without physical preparations, we could not succeed. We had to work hard to play hard.

Now, I see how the term "Earned Never Given" goes much deeper than sports. I've learned, firsthand, life doesn't simply hand anyone anything. College doesn't handout A's as easily as high school did, the time has come when parents think it's about time for you to grow up and support yourself. It's tough but it's life.

So, I hope you learn what it means to be on your own, without the help of your parents, without depending on anyone but your own hard work. I hope it doesn't scare you to be independent or self-suffienct. I hope you believe in the beauty of your dreams and that you achieve even the wildest ones. Nothing is too far out of reach. It won't be easy, that is a promise, but when you've earned something wonderful and sweet and it is better than you even imagined, you'll be glad it wasn't handed to you and you'll spend the rest of your life working hard to keep it.

Work hard & prosper, my friends.

Light

"Oh, death, where is your sting?

Oh, Hell, where is your victory?"

I find it interesting that every single person enters the world through shrieks of pain & when we leave we find grace and true life; We find roads paved of gold, white pearly gates, where we meet our Savior, face to face. I cannot even imagine a place a perfect as Heaven. It's not a tangible idea to me because what we see here is so small in relation to the grand scheme of another realm.

Heaven has been on my mind a lot lately, not just because I devoted myself to a Jesus Journey (mentioned in a previous entry), but also because I lost a relative today. She was very sick with cancer- she had undergone chemo, radiation, lost her hair & her energy. "Aunt Tootsie died," as simple and as complicated as that. While this initially brought tears and sorrow, I was overwhelmed with the goodness of God's promise to save, to redeem, to grant life to our souls and found comfort in drawing near to that.

Suddenly, I realize that despite my pathetic attempts to mourn her loss, I cannot. I can't get beyond the joy of eternity, of a mournless, tearless, perfect place where cancer and disease do not hurt or poison perspective.

So while the darkness of death hovers over us tonight, the promise of hope, faithfulness, and eternity provides light.

Do not forget in the darkness what you have been promised in the light.

(Philippians 1:29)

Twenty-Something

I consider turning a different age more of a "new year" than January 1st.

I've been thinking of resolutions & this is what I've come up with so far:

I want this year to be a journey. 

A Jesus journey. 

I want to know, experience, & learn more about His character. 

I want to discover new dimensions of His love through extreme experiences in nature. 

I want to be fearless when it comes to initiating spiritual conversations.

I want to get plugged into new outlets that pour into me.

I want to constantly be either going to do His work or be supporting someone that is.

I don't want to be perfect, but I do want to be making strides toward becoming someone more patient, more sweet, less quick to frustration or anger. I want to avoid stagnancy in any aspect of my life. I want to quit expecting things to appreciate the simple things that make each day unique and so so wonderful.

I don't want to look at this season of my life as a period of waiting, but as an investment in my future. 

I am investing in people that I love and believe in. 

I am investing in my education, my potential career options, the dreams I've had my entire life.

But, ultimately, I'm investing in a treasure that is eternal & can never be taken from me.

Don't Take it From Me

I don't want to justify it.

I want to acknowledge that it's a lustful struggle and be willing to call it sin.

Girls, I'm talking to you, mostly. You young girls that have all of your innocence to hold onto, you high school or college women, whether you've given pieces of yourself away or not, I want you to hear something crucial & I sincerely want you to believe it.

You are so desired by a God that wants only the very best for you. He is jealous for you. He wants you all to Himself. He wants all of your focus and attention & I truly believe that whatever/whoever you let get in the way of that focus on Him, He will take away from you.

You will have plenty of heartbreak in this life, many trials, many things that will cut you down until you feel you have nothing left & that is when you need Him most. Turn to Jesus, who paid the price for every misstep you've taken along the way, for every future failure, who saved you from yourself & died for your debt on a cross to save you from eternal damnation. All you have to do is trust Him. That's it! We all come before a perfect God as dirty, broken beings that are in need of a Savior. Jesus Christ saves!

He offers us exactly what we need, no matter what the context of our sin: sexual or not.

I have spent many summers out at Camp Eagle as a camper, as a student leader, as a counselor. I remember one night in particularly when I was serving at Camp Eagle under the River's Edge crew, each week we would split guys from girls and while the guys would do "manly things" the girls would dance the night away, have a candle-lit dinner and then have heart-to-hearts, sharing the deepest pits of sin in our lives. Each week I would be extremely prayerful about what the Lord wanted me to share with the girls on that night. Each week we would get new campers, new sweet souls to pour into & that was my favorite night, we cried & laughed & walked away feeling lighter. I found myself sharing something different that I felt filthy because of each time we sat under those starry skies, with nothing but vulnerability and circles of trust and support. I started catching myself releasing outlets that left me feeling empty like growing up without a father, being physically betrayed by someone I trusted against my will-- things I had no control of & then the immoral decisions I had made all on my own. I allowed myself to break through the burden of keeping secrets & began to let others into these nasty holes in my life to start the mending process. Then each girl would share, we'd take turns-- it was broken, hard, & then it was sweet, it was worth it & there was no longer loneliness in that sin. As soon as we admitted to them aloud, there was freedom. God allowed us to share in those pains. We found comfort in that freedom & walked in His light instead of in the darkness of our sins. We were no longer weighed down or confined by them.

Then I will return to my lair

until they have borne their guilt 

and seek my face--

in their misery

they will earnestly seek me.

(Hosea 5:15)

He brings beauty from ashes.
He is gentle. He is trustworthy. He is committed.
He offers an everlasting love and a promise of eternity that will never ever be taken away from you.
Drop all of those burdens or lustful desires or past regrets.
Take up that cross--
Then never ever look back.

Therefore confess your sins to each other 

and pray for each other

so that you may be healed.

The prayer of a righteous man 

is powerful and effective.

(James 5:16)

I want to leave you with a visual. When I was about 17 I went with a lovely group of girls to a little conference called The 'Silver Ring Thing'. This is a teen abstinence rally & as testimonies were shared there was one thing I will never forget. One young woman stood in front of us and shared a glimpse into her web of lust, all the guys she had let her guard down for, the people she willingly allowed to strip her of innocence meant for the context of marriage. She was holding a wooden heart and each time she went further into territory she knew better than to enter into, a chainsaw took large shreds or chunks out of her heart. By the end of college, when she was thinking of what she truly wanted in life, she found Jesus. As she began taking inventory of her heart she realized there wasn't much of it left. She had given pieces of it away with every bad-intentioned guy she let into her bedroom--into her heart.

Jesus didn't let it end here.
This isn't a tragedy.
The decisions we've made do affect us but they do not define us.
He had a better plan but she needed Him in order to find it.

She eventually found a man who clung to Jesus instead of giving into sexual temptation. He saved himself for the woman he was going to marry. He honored his future wife by surrendering to Jesus. He had a whole heart to offer. It wasn't without blemish, of course, but as their hearts entered into a Christ-centered relationship together, eventually into matrimony, they were renewed through God's love & forgiveness.

When she felt she had nothing left to offer,
Jesus said, "Come to me, Child"

So,

Take inventory. 

Acknowledge sins in the depths of your being.

Then bring it before your Father.

Then forgive yourself, too.

It's never too late to be made new through Christ.

But
Don't take it from me.
Dust off that Bible and take it from the word, the Truth.

Take it from Him
& then walk in freedom.

What's Next?

"You'll win or you'll lose, either way, the sun will come up tomorrow and it will be a brand new day."

The older I get the more I see that all the dreams I had for a future ended with college. I am so proud to be an Aggie and I am one, I'll get my ring, I'll finally graduate and then I'll be done, expected to move forward, what then? I don't want that American dream. I don't care about the money or the diamond or the car or any of that. I want the love, the commitment, the promise of forever, the family... that will come with time when we've established ourselves a little bit but that's not what this is about. What do I want for myself, as an individual? What do I want said of me when I leave this place? What do I want that has nothing to do with anything but feeling accomplished and everything to do with where I'll end up?

I want to be the best person I can be.
I want to win and have people be happy for me.
I want to lose & get over it.
I want to surprise myself.
I want to define myself instead of having others define me.
I want to not be afraid of the unknown.
I want to grow up to be generous and big-hearted, the way people have been with me.

I wanted the possibility of options in my life.
College was that possibility for me, what will be done with it now that it's concluding?

It feels a little bit like playing that last football game or dancing in that last competition, or senior prom, packing up and moving towns: bittersweet and scary. It's all a little too familiar but this time it's for real. Here's the life you always dreamed of, yours for the making.

What's next?

Tomorrow is a brand new day...

It's Gonna be Worth it

You can hate certain moments along this journey but God still makes them good.
He makes every moment worth it.

I heard an interesting quote in a movie we watched about Beat poets, (homosexual, Bohemian men, strung out on drugs, who spend their lives searching for meaning in their souls & rebel against the views of society), "it doesn't matter how far, the road is life." It's an interesting feat to make sense of the words these guys put to paper, an interesting feat to apply them to the subconscious thoughts of "normal" people, or ourselves.

Lately, my life has taken some unexpected turns that have sent me searching for the roots of where they initiated. For one, I really hate school, really. It's all I can do to go to class each day. I love A&M. I love tradition. I love the idea of excellence in education & I do believe I attend one of the top public institutions in the nation but I don't want to go to class. I don't want to study. I don't want to take notes or listen to someone try and explain logical symbols to my expressive, literal mind. I force myself to go every single day & I feel the bitterness creeping in.

It's an odd place to be, really. I appreciate the fact that you have to earn things, respectably: aggie rings, grades, a degree. I'm glad things aren't just handed out to anyone & I do want it, in fact, some days, that degree is the only thing that keeps me going. The idea of an "I'm proud of you" written on a card, the smiles of family at graduation-- but that's not for me. That dream is for others, it's for my family now, my future family, to have something fancy to show for myself...I guess. Mostly, it's proof that I had the endurance to take something challenging and embrace it, persevere, and come out ahead. I don't want to wish these precious college years away but that's exactly what I'm doing.

...the road is life.

I don't know where my road is taking me, where the Lord is allowing it to lead. I know that it is currently challenging but, I also cling to the fact that I can have hope that there is an end, a joyful moment I will be able to point back at and sigh in relief knowing it was worth it. 

Empty

I've figured it out- this dull weariness I've spent the past few days in.
I'm allowing fears of a future, worries of the day, frustrations of life blur the line of my focus away from Jesus.

Jesus, my advocator, who has gone before me. Jesus, my God that humbly became a man, lived a perfect life and died on a cross. He rose again and He reigns forever. His goodness & light is in me but I hide it away. But I want to share it, I want to love others well. I don't want it to be all mine, alone.

I wear a cross, as a symbol of His death, His sacrifice for me while I was still a sinner, He paid my ransom. The cross should also be a symbol of another death-- the one that overtakes us when we let all but our heart for Him fall away from us. I want to die and become new again, again daily.

I can't say how many times I've prayed to be empty & that's exactly what I'm becoming but that can't be all. I need also to be filled with you, Father. 

Make me empty, painlessly so. Then fill me up again. Then let it pour out and be shared forevermore.
Let that be my greatest joy in life without fear or reservation or worry at all.

Jesus or Bust

The more I try to analyze various areas in my life, the more I am pointed toward the exact same conclusions.

No, it's not mutual. No, it won't work out being a one way street. No, potential is not enough, now is it.
Yes, there are more important things to be stealing my attention.
Life has no guarantees & I don't want to be so focused on one small portion of it that I miss the rest.

I feel very joyful and very discontent all at once & it is becoming a really draining struggle.
I feel like everything I have been working so diligently toward is not as rewarding as I initially expected & that's really scary to admit. I've been running & not making any progress, it seems.

I want so badly to hold things loosely but I haven't. I have been clinging to guys that won't commit, allowing people to believe they are in control of my contentment, yearning for temporary things in general. I don't want any of it anymore.

I hope tomorrow I can wake up with bigger dreams that go far beyond the confines of this small college town, bigger than any degree, bigger than a fairytale that gives no glimpse past matrimony. I want something eternal, someone Holy & Everlasting. Give me Jesus and strip me of absolutely everything else.

First of the Last Year

Well, school is well underway & with three days under my belt I'm feeling challenged and really excited about the next few months. I am taking several writing intensive classes, which, surprisingly, are my favorites. I love classes that are small enough to have discussions, getting to voice opinions & I really enjoy writing. So, even though it is a tough feat to attend SIX classes on Wednesday's alone, I'm looking forward to it.


I have run into so many old friends on campus and met so many new ones.

I am not going to take one day for granted that I have left here because really, I'm so close to the end and that I don't have time or energy to waste. So, here's to a busy, memorable, joyful journey that I will never forget.

I'm looking forward to all the plans God has in store that I do not yet know about-- I'm up for a little mystery this semester. :)

Thanks & GIG'EM!

Love Me Tender.

I don't know how many times I will have to quiet down my life to hear you speak patience into my heart again, Lord. How many times will you challenge me to surrender this silly plan I convince myself I have under control or how many times I'll split-heartedly say I'm yours, alone. 

I left America in May, boarded a plane to Asia and prayed hard for 6 weeks that all the internal turmoil that flew there along with me would soon depart. I didn't want any thoughts of bills or boys or even the smallest distraction to get in the way of the mission I knew God had foreseen for me this summer.

He took it all away from me. I could sleep at night. I didn't miss things I had or people I knew back home. I learned what it meant to truly live in the moment and let my deep desire to be wanted by the opposite gender completely dissolve.

I had never felt so free or aware of the Lord's presence as I did standing in that moment.
But also, never so aware of how fragile and tender my tendencies to be vulnerable to people made me.
How breakable I felt, ...I feel.

That's the thing about summer, though, you can forget anything for a few months but when you make your way back to everything that is familiar, it's hard to continue ignoring that it's there.

The night before our journey back home it all overwhelmed me again. I returned heavy and as much as I try to fight it, I can't shake it off and the busyness of school has yet to even begin.

After Asia, I stayed home a few weeks doing new things to ruin my routine of sameness, which helped a lot. Then I came back to College Station where everything I needed to find refuge far, far away from came flooding back, drowning me in confusion.

It seems that I am re-opening the last wounded chapter of my life when really all I truly yearn for is an abundance of simple, silent moments to lay down in awe as God writes a brand new one.

It's a long & broken moment to try & have it all together as everything falls apart; bittersweet to want as I attempt to want not.

So, love me tender, Lord, as only you know how to. Overwhelm me with nothing but your love and trust in your plan as you put everything into place. Teach my heart to want not & guide my thoughts to only your light, let all else fade away.

Season of Enlightenment

I have been finding myself in a place I don't think I've ever been before, new territory, not physically but mentally, spiritually. I find myself letting go of things I've dreamed of having my entire life, things like marriage. The timeline I had planned in my head for nearly 22 years, down the drain.

Asia changed my life.
I am not the same girl.
The change didn't come while overseas exactly, though I knew it was happening then, but upon my return, I know it to be true. I am more aware. I have more control over how I handle different situations and am definitely more conscious of the ways I want to be better to others, to love them well.

I feel less attached to the things I clung to before.

I am holding my entire world and everything in it so loosely because I am holding Him tight.
People can't have God and the world all at once, it's a choice & I've made it.

I don't need any of that anymore. The things the world tells us that we need, the "American Dream".

For so long, I've looked at things like settling down, having a family, & attaining a comfortable lifestyle, as a certain mark to reach. I want them, yes & though I know God will provide in much better timing than my own, I don't dream of those things any longer. My dreams have become more tangible,  within my current reach. They have nothing to do with being patient or submissive, they have no commands but 10 and come down to one word: Faith.

I want to travel near and far, ditching fears along the way to just make His name known among the nations. I want to hear and tell stories of heartache, trial, and of the Faithfulness & provision that turned it around, made it beautiful.

"In youth we learn, in age we understand."

While I have much left to learn, I feel I am also entering into a season of enlightenment, of understanding things I had never pondered before. I am in a state of complete contentment.

But really, my heart is all but busting at the seams screaming,

"Here I am, send me!"

And all I really want is for this season I'm labeling 'Enlightenment' is to continue growing here, elsewhere, all over the world. Mostly, I pray the growth makes its biggest movement within me so that I don't have to be aware of things, that loving people well is just spilling over the rim of my being because I've been so consumed in His perfect love for me.

Hostess

In Asia, as we immersed ourselves into a new culture & met friends, they were the most hospitable people I had ever met. They always offered to pay for our meals or drinks or anything, not because it was nice but because it was their honor for us to be their guest.

I want to live more like that, as though surrounding myself with others is my honor. I want to find joy in serving others, not just overseas but in every day things.

Fullness

I have tried multiple times to write about the ways I have been changed in Asia this summer. I have written and rewritten and deleted letters I have meant to send out to those that helped support me or prayed for my team, yet, still nothing. My cursor still blinks, mocking my wordless mind. I promise they will come and you will hear from me again. He just did so much through us and in us that it's hard to summarize such a big occurrence. Just know that we prayed to see fruit and that's exactly what happened. 

And now, as I am quietly sitting, processing the lessons I've learned and acknowledging the season He is just beginning in my life, I am simply content. I don't want for anything. I have been much more willing to set myself aside to say things that reflect His attitude rather than my own. 

I realize now how small I am in the grand scheme & thankful that He uses me anyway, even when that is the last thing I deserve.

I am full of Faith.

I am full of joy and patience.

I am full of love.

I am full of Him.

I am full & I am brimming with His mercy because I need it, every single day.

& it doesn't matter if I'm anxious or wordless because He gently calms my heart by whispering, 

"just trust me." 

It is sweet, my friends. He is alive and He is sweet.

I hope you are constantly seeking out quiet places to just linger in His creation & hearing what He is whispering into your own heart. 

Back to America

Well, I'm home. I have thought about what I was going to say here for weeks and now as I write it, I have no idea where to start. 

I had the opportunity to fly halfway around the world and share the Gospel in a place that forbids organized religion. I was teamed up with 12 other Aggies that I didn't know well, raised thousands of dollars, and went on a trip that I thought would change people's lives. I learned really quick how much it wasn't about me, how nothing I did was going to make a difference but that the ways I would allow the Lord to work through me would mean everything. Well, I was willing & He worked in amazing ways. Those 12 Aggies quickly became my family, the smoggy skies of East Asia started feeling familiarly comfortable & the hundreds of people we met, friends- some, eternal siblings. It's sweet to my soul to even ponder the things we have endured these past few months. I am so incredibly thankful I can barely find the words.

I am still processing through the many lessons I learned while overseas this summer but I can positively say, without a doubt, I am changed. My understanding of the Gospel has been simplified and sharable. My fears of judgement turned into urgency. My perspective broadened. I don't think I expected my life to undergo such radical transformation in the 6 weeks abroad as it did.

I'm thankful for getting to know the Lord in a different context and for all the ways He is still growing me. I am thankful that He is not an "American God" and that He is evident all over this earth and beyond.

Stay tuned.

Overseas Glory

It's crazy to think I started the "10 day" countdown for our Summer Project Mission over a week ago. On Friday, this week, I will head to Dallas for a 'briefing' collecting last minute details, finally establishing exactly what city/ies I'll be in for the majority of the summer & spending the night in a comfy Hilton Garden Suite Hotel bed before the international dorm life engulfs us. I'm not sure exactly what briefing will look like but I know as soon as I walk in, my access to the Internet or cellular device will be omitted, which I'm not bothered by at all. I'm glad to have a break from distractions. I'm glad to have the communication barriers taken out of the equation to just go, experience the culture first-hand & ultimately, get to live life with those around me. I love to spend quality time with people. I love to love on people in person, I'd choose that any day.


I'm not an advocate for cell phones and texting at all, the more I think about it. I've most enjoyed my summers without them, outside, throwing out the static to really be still before and hear from God. I'm looking forward to that. Maybe I'll be less dependent on mine when I return, I'm looking forward to that as well.

In the wee hours of Monday morning I will be flying halfway across the world. I'm not nervous, really. I'm excited. I'm encouraged. I can't believe this is real.

I love my team. They say we will be family upon our return but in certain ways I already feel strong ties with them. We have already been through trials and hardship, joy and overwhelming happiness, we have grown together spiritually, ate some really great BBQ & prayed hours together. It's almost as though we can foresee the ways God is going to change our lives this summer and know coming out of it that to fully understand it is to have experienced it, that mutual experience under our belts will change us, grow us, establish some firm, unbreakable ties.

As the countdown turns to single digit numbers, I am also reminded of some things we will face that will not be easy. Language barriers. I really hope that everyone we meet can understand enough English to grasp what we are trying to show them. I pray against any confusion or misunderstanding. I pray nobody gets by without hearing the Truth, that it isn't because of language variances that we can not communicate.

There are other things as well: safety, traveling, jet-lag, cultural adjustment, the hearts of those we will meet, ...so much. Be praying, please.

This entire process, thus far has truly brought to light many flaws in my character. Pride, selfishness and ignorance. I am confident, however, that God makes all things new & that from the ashes of my life, he will bring treasure. Through this summer project, through the people He has selected to go, to serve Him in this context, there will come light & Truth & salvation.

& to Him will be the glory.

Fullness of Christ

Frederick Beuchner writes, 

"The place God calls us to be is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."

I leave in a little over a week to fly to the opposite side of the world to one of the most unevangelized places in the world to spread some Truth about the gospel, possibly even talk about it for the very first time in someone's life. 

I don't know what to say but that my eyes have already been opened through our various mission trainings, getting to commune with students who have gone before, and ultimately having the Lord working on my heart in preparation for what is to come. I have a deep desire to just speak love and tenderness into the darkness of people's lives. I can't wait to find out what makes them really joyful and relate that back to the Maker who loves them. Or tell them they are valued and that God transforms us and makes us completely new, even in the midst of our lowest valleys. I cannot wait to tell someone they don't have to do it all alone & that when it feels overwhelming all they have to do is be still and know God is there with them, not to fear. I want to witness change & beauty & redemption.

I may not be going to a place where people are starving or impoverished but I am going to Asia, where people are hungry for something they might not even know will sustain them, an everlasting God. I want to see a mouth say for the very first time that they believe what I am sharing with them and that they are made glad in this news. 

I pray that God will transform lives overseas this summer but also that He will renew mine. I want my life to look radically different after serving Him in this context. I pray that the anxious excitement that is bubbling up inside of me about this trip will only be the beginning of what is still in store. 

I want to feel deep gladness made complete in a hungry place & I hope that in the process we will leave it a little less empty.

"No"

I can count on one hand the times I haven't gotten something I've wanted.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm told no all day long.
College tells me I have no job security after college with a liberal arts degree.
Society tells me that with no significant other, no size zero jeans & no huge salary, I am of no value.
Organizations turn elections into popularity contests, telling qualified, less recognizable applicants no all the time. We are shallow, sinful creatures. We don't care about hurting people's feelings. We say no for fun, for laughs, & occasionally, to seriously stop things from escalating. No is a widely used term that very rarely feels good to hear.

Growing up I was always involved in things. It seemed that no matter what I would tryout to do, I would make it and excel. I participated in choir, cheerleading, soccer, softball, dance, 'spellinators', student council. I held various offices within various organizations. I loved to serve people but more than anything I loved the title I gained with each of these. I loved being a member of something. I loved being a leader. I loved saying I was in a leadership position.

As I entered college, however, things began to change. I was admitted into various universities & my number one choice, Texas Christian University (TCU) gave me little to no scholarships or funding. I had to regretfully relay my "no" in response to their admittance letter.

This was only the beginning of the no game my life would begin to play on me.
It didn't matter if I was saying no or receiving it, it hurt.

I ended up at Texas A&M Corpus Christi applying for a membership in THE extremely selective Honors Program & after a strenuous application process I was invited into this exclusive club. I loved our Honors lounge and that I had a special swipe card to access cool places around campus that others could not. I loved the free printing & more than anything, I loved having that not so subtle "Honors Program Cohort 4" under my automatic email signature. I soon realized how many no's you still got once you've been inducted into something like this program-- No freshman grade exclusions (that was unheard of!), no room for mistakes or 'slip-ups', no forgiveness for a low exam grade. You either made the grades, made the time, made the meetings or you were discharged, no exceptions. It was really tough! Plus, after I had obtained that title I went searching for the next one that I thought would some how make me feel complete. I decided then that I wanted to transfer somewhere I considered "more prestigious", somewhere more exclusive as a whole. I had the best of what TAMUCC had to offer me and once I got it, I wanted more.

Sometimes I'll catch myself saying I transferred to the College Station campus because I loved the atmosphere, the traditions, the uniqueness, the change of scenery. The truth is, I thought I had outgrown Corpus. I had never even toured Aggieland before I applied. I had visited friends a few times, caught a few football games & seriously, didn't understand the yells or terms they deemed normal here, it freaked me out a little & I was not fond of making a fool of myself by screaming something that had no understandable meaning to me. I transferred because I was striving for another label 'Aggie'. And I got in, again.

As the avid followers of this blog or close friends of mine know, I ended a pretty serious, long-term relationship because once I got my eyes set on something bigger than myself, for a change, I wanted to say no to everything stealing my attention away from it. Then it was in my power to say no. I can't imagine the hearts I hurt in this learning process. I said no to every eye that took a second glance because I was in such a broken place that only the Lord could save me from myself.

Ultimately, to wrap this up, no's hurt but
God never tells me no.
He tells me yes. He provides & guides & comforts.
He tells me to be patient because He has something better in store.
He tells me not yet.
He makes promises then gives me hope for an eternity of Him fulfilling those promises.
He doesn't offer a label to follow Him, He offers a lifestyle & I desperately want that more than anything else. I won't say "no".

Attention to Detail

I'm not proud of this but I'll share because I think it's important to realize flawed things about ourselves & turn our sight to a God that has no flaw.

So I head to a class that seems optional to me at this point in the semester since everything that has counted for a grade is now completed. Against my college urge to skip it, I go.

Today we were talking about negotiation. He begins with a blunt, "raise your hand if you are in a relationship". Seriously?! Can you make the single life a little less glamorous, please? I was seriously so in shock at his question, I barely even internalized it enough to react had I needed to raise my hand anyway. This was such a simple question but it really bothered me, the way he so non-chalantly asked it.

After a grueling discussion on conflict and negotiation in relationships, which I quietly excluded myself from, we were split into pairs & given a paper with directions not to show anyone else. Each person in the pairing was given a different scenario or "role" to step into argue for and we were to find weak points in the opposing argument/role to argue against.

My role was one of a research biologist. I was asked to aid the government in developing a synthetic vapor that can help neutralize the nerve gas that has sprung a leak and is anticipated to kill several thousands of people on the States' West coast and surrounding islands. The chemical calls for pieces of a specific orange. The problem is there are only 3,000 of these oranges on the entire planet and my partner is also in need of them. I was allotted $250,000 to pay off my partner in order to buy these oranges.

My partner who happened to be a guy I had never spoken to in my life, had a completely different scenario desperate for these specific oranges. He went on to explain how he was a medical missionary aiding pregnant women in an undisclosed area with a certain disease that was causing serious birth defects to their unborn children, often leading to hardships for both, mother and child. While they had come up with a way to subdue this disease, in many cases, there was no cure. They needed the oranges to send the medicine into mass supply, in hopes of catching the disease early and preventing further contamination.

This is when I realized that out of the 15 or so groups, we were the only guy/girl match-up. I felt as though as a woman, these women needed a female taking a stand for them. I love babies, I don't want to see anyone hurting in that beautiful process of life. On the other hand, my case was extremely time sensitive and would undoubtedly kill thousands of innocent and situationally ignorant lives. So, I negotiated with the best persuasive charm I knew of & tried to present the main facts in a brief-get-the-point-accross way.

We agreed that I would get all 3,000 of the oranges and that we would both look into getting more into production. I won. I was proud of myself until I realized how I had looked over the intimate detail of which part of the orange each of our studies needed. We needed completely different parts! I had gotten so bogged down with the objective of winning, I completely overlooked the key factor in each of our stories.

Our decision affected lives because of one small intimate detail. When called out, we felt awful. We had been so proud that we came to a consensus, that something was accomplished and that we never even dwindled down to talking money or payoffs. So non-chalantly, just as the way the relationship question had bothered me before, I bothered these pregnant women by overlooking important details to win something I thought to be more logical.

The point is, one, we so often overlook important factors to make things seem as we want them to. & two, when we are bothered by things, we point out the flaws in others but fail to see them in ourselves.

I am convicted by this simple exercise and hope it serves as a lesson to pay more attention to details, they can be sweet and detrimental to our lives. I also hope that when I am frustrated with something, I can call it out of myself before I accuse it in others.

Something scary, only one group had noticed that detail that allowed both roles to achieve their goal and ultimately spare lives of many more people than settling to help only one group. Wow.