Poison

I am drowning in a disheartening poison.

I have realized lately what an emphasis I put on labels. "Girlfriend" specifically. I was one for years, well into college and naively, I felt that I could offer relationship advice that was solidified by a lengthy relationship, whether it was Christ-centered or not (not). I found joy in helping those in relationship crises. I felt valued to have someone committed to me, alone. My time was occupied with whispers of sweet nothings, love letters, flowers, piggyback rides, adventure, and an abundance of love I thought would never leave. I felt secure in knowing that whatever I wanted to do, I would always have someone to do it with, someone that wanted to make me happy and would always take my side. I felt loved, even if only temporarily. I felt beautiful and confident because I had constant reassurance and that alone was enough to me then.

But it didn't come from the Lord, any of it.

There was poison then that I allowed to disguised itself as a sweet, snuggly, reassuring voice in my head. The problem was that the voice I found when I felt low or in need of filling for a void, I found in a longterm relationship. I found my identity in that label. I found my value in our commitment to remain exclusive for a "long" space of time. I was a "girlfriend" and not much else.

Now, having survived being restrained by a new lone label for over a year, I find myself envying relationships I see others developing around me. Probably because human beings are selfish and we have a hard time seeing others joyously accepting the things that we believe ourselves to also deserve.

I deserve to be pursued and chased, to have my hand held and for someone to reassure me, speak Truth into my life, encourage me. I deserve to be on a two lane road that is balanced perfectly between two people and not a single, dead-end road that leads nowhere but toward insecurity and desperation. I will not settle for less. I have to tell myself this daily. But that's what poison does, weakens your immunity to toxin in life, allowing you to enter a vulnerable state that leads to places in which you make hazy decisions, forgetting what you actually want. In the haze I remember sitting in the comfort and security of a relationship feeling sorry for my single friends. In the Truth I remember what I deserve & I hold out for it, I cast out the poison because I recognize it as such. I do not allow lies to morph themselves into the sweet form they found before.

That's the thing, I glamorized the ideas of what a relationship could be since the release of the last one and now I don't seek out all the reasons that kept me walking away instead of staying. I can no longer see the bad that outweighed the joy. I see only the things I miss about having a label (stupid, I know) and I let that poison fuel my decisions to pursue things that aren't pursuing me. I do not seek out Truth until I find myself completely engulfed by suffocating poison.

But there it is again, the loss of focus. Allowing voices to be louder than the one of God. This time though, I am willing to be patient, painfully so. I am willing to trust that the Lord has a plan for this single season, to bring value to my life through it and make it eventually recognizable. I also know and acknowledge the poison in my life, therefore it cannot hide because it stands in the light. I will not allow it to be disguised as anything but exactly what it is, deceitfulness. And I will walk independently in Truth because I know Him and his pursuit of me, more sweet than any other. I know a label that holds far more value than the one I've reflected on. There is no poison in Truth. There is no room to drown when I am overwhelmed by a perfect love that casts out all fear.

So, I challenge you today to introspectively search and bring to light the poisonous lies in your life, then let the Lord's voice be louder.