Bitterness

Last night I was challenged to think of something I needed to confess to someone and apologize for. I sat for minutes pondering this and nothing came to mind. I jumped from person to person, hoping I'd be convicted by one but, nope.

Don't get me wrong, I have done plenty of things I have needed to apologize for but I commend myself for making things right pretty fast. I don't like letting tension linger for long. I'm definitely a sinner but I felt completely free of conviction because of things I had done to hurt someone else through my sin. So when we were to write down an incident I couldn't think of anything but the times I thought I deserved an apology & the fact that I may never get them. People are shady creatures and instead of letting my pride get the best of me I am overtaken with bitterness against them.

At last I realized, it wasn't the people who were getting interjected into my life that I let wound and scar me that I was angry with, it was God, Himself. I was upset that the Lord would allow these people into my life just to continuously disappoint me. I realized that I was treated God like he was the lying ex-boyfriend, the new interest that actually had a girlfriend, He was the people that pretended to be everything they're not. My depiction of the King was perverted through the ways sinners had used me. It wasn't these people I owed an apology to, it was God.

I was also finally convicted that instead of finding my joy from the Lord I was depending on Him to answer my hopeful prayers with people and relationships rather than being content with His foundation of truth. I was finding joy in people not in Faith.

So, it has been a long journey but I am ready to jump off of the cliff I've been hiking for so long and finally trust my Father to teach me to fly. I am ready to stop finding happiness in temporary satisfaction and ready to stand of His firm foundation. God is not these people and He does not deserve to be blames for their wrongdoings. I have been hurt so that I may learn & I have lots of lessons under my belt.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent. Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the praise of Israel. In you our fathers put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them. They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed. But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by men and despised by the people (Psalm 22:1-6).

I will declare your name to my brothers; in the congregation I will praise you. You who fear the LORD, praise him! All you descendants of Jacob, honor him! Revere him, all you descendants of Israel! For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help. From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly; before those who fear you will I fulfill my vows. The poor will eat and be satisfied; they who seek the LORD will praise him—may your hearts live forever! All the ends of the earth will remember and turn to the LORD, and all the families of the nations will bow down before him, for dominion belongs to the LORD and he rules over the nations. All the rich of the earth will feast and worship; all who go down to the dust will kneel before him—those who cannot keep themselves alive. Posterity will serve him; future generations will be told about the Lord. They will proclaim his righteousness to a people yet unborn—for he has done it. (Psalm 22:22-31).

Risky

There are two things I hope you understand & remember about this particular blog, if nothing else:
1. God has a heart and endures heartbreak with us and because of us.
2. Genuine apologies can go a long way.

Love is risky, life is risky and you are never alone on that two way street.

"The Bible begins with God making people who have freedom. Freedom to love God or not love God. And these people consistently choose not to love God. It's written in Genesis 6:6 that God 'regretted that He had made human beings on the earth, and His heart was deeply troubled.' These ancient writers saw God as having a heart, that feels, responds, hurts. A heart that fills with pain.
God...grieving.
And what is the source of this grieving?
People."
(Rob Bell, Sex God).


"When you make a move toward a person, when you extend yourself to them...you give them power. Power to say yes or no. Power to decide. If she decides to love him, she runs the huge risk that she might have her heart broken. And this risk does not end with marriage."

Overshadowing Sin

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead." -Adelle

I've handwritten two ideas for entries on here so today may make this page anew. 

I've been confronted by an idea lately, the reality of an idea, really: life is short. We have heard this our whole lives, "Life is too short to let go of the ones you love," or some version of that statement. Yes, it's probably true, though we don't usually have a say in who leaves us-- my father left us, I loved him, it doesn't always make a difference. But seriously, life is short. Short. I feel like my life is just beginning but in reality is, statistically approx. 1/4 over. 

I'm already almost 21 years old and what have I to show for myself? 

Who am I? 

What identities do I find myself labeled under?

What are the desires of my heart?

Am I missing it, the purpose of my being? 

Am I looking straight from God created the world to His offering of merciful salvation?

What is the middle supposed to look like? 

What about you?

There has to be more for this short life!

Don't let your sin overshadow the depths of who you really are.

In Jesus' Name

After one heartfelt prayer before attending Breakaway, the largest college ministry in the nation, here at Texas A&M, College Station, I was answered immediately through the sermon of Ben Stuart. This is a big deal for more than the simple one: God answers prayers, yay! It was also a small reassuring idea that even when I don't make time for Him, He indeed, still makes time for me and gives me clear knowledge that He is doing so.

I prayed that Ben would capture my attention and let me know it was God, Himself, speaking to me. I prayed that something, anything that could be spoken would draw me near and give me insight of the Lord's desire for me. I prayed that the sermon would stick out to me individually and touch every single person that would hear it in some way.

God answers prayers.

He answered the prayers that brought over 9,700 people to learn about Him.

He answers prayers, I'm sure of it. 

Ben basically gave a shout out sermon to all college student everywhere, or students in general. He began with the question that we all ask ourselves at different points in our lives, "What am I doing here?" Wherever you may be, college, a specific town, a situation, a relationship, a crossroad in life, "What the heck am I doing here? What am I accomplishing at this very moment?" 

I have been questioning myself a lot lately. With the semester starting up I have pondered changing majors and staying in Aggieland a little longer than expected or to tell this boy that thinks he has a chance that the Lord is calling me away from him & the sexual desires of his heart in order to protect my own, again,"What am I accomplishing here?" The more I try and swallow that question, the more roughly it goes down. I think we forget how valuable each moment is, how precious few we have in the big jist of things. 

Last night was also Silver Taps, one of the traditions that brought me here to Aggieland. Students collect into Academic Plaza as the bell tower rings and cadets march slowly in to honor fallen Aggies who have died within the past month, honored in silence, darkness and a 21 gun salute, an Aggie is never forgotten. Seeing the names and class years of these students, 2013, my prospective graduation year, they never got there, picked Nuclear Engineering, worked their butts off and never achieved that diploma. "How much time will I have to accomplish these goals?" "What am I accomplishing in the mean time?" "For what purpose do I do the things that I do?" I've put a lot of emphasis on blowing through classes, getting that shiny college ring on my finger and ultimately earning that diploma to get a job and get on with my life. There's gotta be more than that, right? "What is this college experience meant to provide?"

So while Ben reflected on the verses reminding us to do all things for the glory of God, I reflected on the things I had learned in college that had absolutely nothing to do with tests or studying and everything to do with things the Lord needed to teach me in my life. "The more I look at what you've done, Lord, the more I know you. What will others know about me based on the things I've done here?"

A few solid points to be made:

 --> Study creation in order to know the Creator.

--> Education is for exaltation, the grounds of your studies are purposefully showing you glimpses of God, fuel for worshipping Him.

Ben wrapped up by saying that we waste ourselves when we do not seek Him out through the things that consume us. We are meant to internalize not liking certain subjects or being encouraged in others. I, for example, really dislike math, even talking about math makes my head pound, one glance at a graphing calculator and I get sweaty palms, the whole sha-bang, but on the other hand, I love to write & even though it seems like nobody ever comments on these blog posts, I get feedback by words or emails or private messages. I am encouraged that the Lord has something for me to share and gives me outlets to do so that I enjoy and feel motivated to do. Ben stated that all that we study should tell us about our Beloved and about ourselves, God reveals Himself and gives us things we love to do to put it forth unto others. I love to write and I have learned that because of the ways of the Lord have been present in my teachers and respondents, God gives us joy in things He likes for us to do. Notice things about yourself that you do or do not live and figure out why, I promise God will be at the root of it because He made all and is in all. 

Just as I may see a speck of uncleanliness in a glass of clear water, am I repulsed, similarly, to my own sin? We must turn away from the distractions and seek out the good of the Lord in all things but we must learn also in the process to figure out our true desires and loves that are surely for Him.

At the end of the day, that diploma is not my ultimate goal, the Kingdom of Heaven is. My goals are beyond the scope of worldly understanding and I need to be living accordingly to the longings, desires and joys the Lord has given me to better prepare myself for what is to come. You do too. 

Do all in Jesus' name!!!! 

"Higher education is for God's Kingdom." -Ben Stuart

In His name & for His glory...

...until He comes back, His will be done.

Link:

Breakaway Ministry Podcasts

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This is a sad time in the life of my blog. I promise to update soon! Life is SO GOOD!!!!

Don't worry.