It is Good

The truth is that I don't know how to make sense of what I want to say right now. I have been brainstorming it in the small yellow lined 'note' on my iphone and now I have it staring chaotically back at me hoping I can fit it all together in a sensible way.

I have narrowed life down to a few things: Foundation of faith, honesty, integrity, forgiveness, the ability to love yourself for exactly who you are, & to humbly grant people chances. I've come up with these mostly from experience, having everything to do with being happy.


If you can learn to lead a life that is based on a foundation of Faith- blind faith, even when everything else seems wrong in the world, trusting it will turn out right, trusting this life is out of your control: Faith. Faith that God works all things for His good. Faith that at the end of the day, when all is said and done, you're comforted because you aren't alone, ever. You are comforted by your Faith and the Father it comes from. Honesty, integrity and forgiveness are just stepping stones to make things easier in life, less weighted. Carrying a heavy burden is never as easy as walking freely. When you are tangled in lies, convicted by dirty secrets, or holding grudges, you are only hurting yourself. You become a victim of the things you do. You have control of your actions. Hold yourself up to higher standard and do things right. You aren't perfect but the imperfections are what make you uniquely different from anyone else on this Earth, special in your own light, beautifully crafted- so is everybody else, so give people chances. We fail more times than not. But it all works out. It is good.

While I trust the things I have just shared with you, I have struggles as well.
Sometimes I'm afraid and there's no room for anything else.


Lately I have been much talk and not much of anything else. I went on a schpeel about marriage & desires of getting engaged sooner than later- I've shared bits of it among these viral pages but when I actually take a step back to think... I'm not ready. If someone asked me today to be their wife I would be so afraid. I don't have anything figured out yet, I don't know exactly where I want to be in 10 years, I don't know where I want to be heading now. I don't know what career I'll end up in or what my minor will be. There are plenty of things I don't know. I don't even know what to tell people anymore when they ask me about my future. I'm even afraid to say I'm not sure in response, in fear of sounding like a deadbeat. I don't want to get engaged or married or be having kids I can't support right now. When I see friends my age or younger making these big lifelong decisions I never envy them, I quietly think how glad I am not to be in that position. I'm NOT ready.

I'm afraid of graduating. I'm afraid of what my life will look like outside of school. I've been in learning environments my whole life, & still, there really is no way of being prepared for what the 'real world' will throw at you. Where do you start? I feel like I'm going through the motions, same as high school, going to class day to day, exam to exam, just to pass, not really gaining anything useful from them. I feel in no way more prepared for a career than I did the day I walked out of high school or onto a college campus. How can we graduate to do big things when we are stuck in such small frames of mind here? Where do I begin in stepping out of the student mold, into being fierce and bold in the working world? Where does making a big difference to be remembered by here on Earth start?


So many times I look at happiness as a destination, a place I'd like to be: married, settled down, financially stable, babies, family vacations, my own house to make a home, people that make glorifying the Lord easier with them than without them. Happiness is not a destination though, it's a mood. A moment of peace based on the foundation of Faith, honesty, integrity, forgiveness, loving myself exactly as I am & giving people chances, giving myself a chance. & trusting that it will be good. I don't have it figured out but I don't have to, it's under control, I'm not alone & it's good.

The Lord is good to all;

He has compassion on all He has made.

All your works praise you, Lord;

you faithful people extol you.

They tell of the glory of your Kingdom

and speak of your might,

so that all people may know of your mighty acts 

and the glorious splendor of your Kingdom...

The Lord is trustworthy in all He promises

and faithful in all He does.

The Lord upholds all who fall

and lifts up all who are bowed down.

The eyes of all look to you, 

and you give them their food at the proper time.

You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

Psalm 145: 9-16

There's Freedom in the Truth

I do not recall much about this year except that I have learned more in one simple year of life than I have in possibly, the entirety of my life up to this point.

I've learned that you can never have every single thing you are seeking out in another, you learn to love the things that make them imperfect & you forgive them when they fail you, disappoint you, hurt you- they always will but some really wonderful things will occur too. It will all make sense one day, I've learned to put all of my faith into that lone statement. It all happens for a reason.

I've learned that you have to let go of things to move on, let go of people. I've also learned that in order to hold onto something you believe is worth while, you have to cut off your past and trust in the value and hope of a future. Ultimately, as long as you maintain things from your past, they will haunt you, when you let go of the desire to further entertain those thoughts, you'll get over them. It truly is about learning to let go, you'll be happy again, promise. I did a lot of letting go this year and when I closed & locked doors, windows flew open and the sunlight looked sweeter than ever before.

I learned to get things down on paper, to reread them after the fact, not during. We are afraid of being vulnerable but without being vulnerable, you'll never understand freedom. Allowing yourself to speak, even if it is out of turn, out of line or just plain pointless, if it has value to you: do it! That goes for almost anything in this life. It's not always about pleasing others. I've learned that making yourself a high priority is the most freeing thing you can do for yourself. You have a story for a reason, it's meant to be shared and it feels so much better when you do. The hardships we've faced are the things that link and connect us to others. There is beauty in the breakdown.

I learned to appreciate the little things. I have had some really sweet memories from experiences I would have never had, had I not let go of the things I often let burden me to just go with the flow and do things out of the ordinary from my regular routine. I've learned to surrender agendas, to live in the moment. There are so many wonderful people that will surprise you if you give them a chance...or two. Appreciating the little things has everything to do with getting out of your comfort zone, letting loose, and figuring out what it means to wear a sincere smile.

There's freedom in the truth.

~~~~~

As a side note, I think I am going to change the name of my blog, which is kind of a revelation, after all I have put in under this name. I haven't completely decided on it but this change in no way changes what I want this blog to look like. I still want you to scroll back to the beginning days of my viral writing to an entry titled, 'Journey of the Unashamed', read it and have no doubt the message that I stand for.

On that note, so long 2011!

Refinement

I'm afraid to go hunt down anything I wrote on this subject last year, this would be the first time I have looked at it since writing it.

This year a few big things happened: I transferred to Aggieland just as the year started, literally packed my life as I knew it in Corpus Christi, TX and left on a whim. I can't believe it's been a year, wow! I can remember the summer that started the churning of ideas of transferring and I grabbed that one right my the horns. I think ultimately I'm glad it happened, ...I think, ...I mean, I know. I know I ended up exactly where I belong but I miss the way I could walk around the small-know-everyone campus in Corpus, I miss being part a distinguished Honors Program that had a special lounge where I could print for free and there was always an open chair- oh, the luxuries of a university without 50,000 people. I miss the crazy rainstorms that would completely soak us and the wind that only 'The Island University' attendees would understand. I miss small classrooms and professors that actually care to know you personally, I miss being more than a grade or a student ID number. I miss driving down Ocean Drive for the scenic route after a long day. I miss everyone living on campus- our own little island, just running barefoot to a friends house, a building away. I miss Caitlin Landis, my very best friend in Corpus Christi, I miss being strong for her. I miss RealLife Fellowship, the church we claimed for our very own.  I miss living near family, a support system, someone to cook you a good meal occasionally. I miss the ease of things there but I don't mind missing it from a distance. It's funny how time and distance change you, the road you take don't always lead you home.

I didn't realize just how pathetic this entry would be but really looking back all I can think of are three things: transferring, a long overdue breakup and meeting lots wonderful people. It all works out for good, I promise, God's promise prevails.

I truly do credit the summer I spent serving as a River's Edge Counselor out at Camp Eagle in 2010 for the seed being planted for all of the refinement God was going to allow me to endure unto this point. I can't begin to tell you how the Lord gave me glimpses of things He needed me to be aware of in preparation for transitions. God is so good, do you believe this? I have been refined (in the hardest and gentlest ways) and I have proceeded on blind Faith, alone. I can't find the words in our limited American vocabulary to describe all the ways I have felt God's presence and seen Him at work in my life.

A year after I left camp and couldn't go back again this summer-- despite my deep longing to, I prayed a prayer that I had never been bold enough or sincere enough in to pray before.
Lord, even if trusting you and following your path means I have to let go of things in the process, let go of people, let go of society's norms to live for you, I will. Whatever it takes, I'll do it. Even if this means *gulp* that I won't ever marry or settle down or have babies-- the things I truly want my future to hold, YOU ARE ENOUGH, you are good, good enough. And I meant it from the deep pit of my soul, I want to remember it and trust it and let go of dreams I cling so tightly to, to climb onto the one permanent and unchanging thing I know.

I guess that leads to 2012 resolutions, I have only one. I want to live in a manner that tells our Savior to come back today. I want to be asking Him to come and save us from the world of sin and take us into paradise. I want to let go of the desires I hold above this, the plans I've already made. I don't want to have plans at all, I want to simply trust that if it is supposed to happen it will and also trust that it may not happen at all & through this too, I will be thankful. I will be grateful even if I was stripped of it all and He came back today, the rapture was now, I won't think for one second, No, not yet!

Reassured

"On the outside I look fragile, but on the inside there's something you can't crush." (Country Strong)

I heard once that to be sure that you are doing the right thing, making the right decisions in life, following a relatively good path-- you need to ask people for reassurance. I found no biblical reference for this but the fact that I heard it from a Godly woman that claims it led her to a powerful marriage. I just think that the Lord already knows we need reassurances and that he offers them, at times, in form of people's approval in certain matters. The point is that we do not seek out the claims of others but the reassurance of the Lord. He will give it to us and make us aware that it's of Him.

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. (Isaiah 42:16)

Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear. (Isaiah 65:24) 

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you...For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." (Isaiah 43:1-3)

I Can't Recall the Day but the Findings

I'm going to take a break from one specific message and tell you of the happenings of this day.

I wake up early feeling inclined to do something productive, which, I must say, always tends to be the case when I come home for breaks. Something about the permanency of this house or the belief that I am doing some deep for another without asking for something in return, it makes me want to clean it and decorate it and make changes that will surprise others when they arrive home. It was a rainy day with an oddly refreshing, unusually non-sticky breeze so I decided I would make the garage my project of the day. I spent a few hours placing tubs onto shelves, getting the empty Christmas decoration boxes all in one place for an easier repack after the holidays and finally, company came home, Alyssa- my little sister. She went inside, put something more comfortable on and helped me attack what was left of the garage. As we made a few last minute completions, I noticed something squirming on a black sticky pad. I immediately jumped back. It was a mouse! A small, meek looking mouse that was held into the stickiness his tiny padded feet, his creepy long tail and half of his poor, tiny face. My initial thought was that I would leave him but our conscience's got the best of us and we decided the little guy may still have a chance if we let him loose.

We then have the conversation of how to go about getting him off without direct physical contact and who actually got to do this dirty work. After a brief debate I decided I would have to do it. We got a boogie-board,(yes, like one that you take to the ocean), scooted the sticky pad out into the yard and picked another random object out of a nearby toolbox to peel this sucker off. Well, it was a lot tougher than it looked! There was much desperate squirming from the mouses end and much startled, twitches away on my end. Alyssa used a hammer to hold the pad against the boogie-board as I attempted to peel his face off of the pad. I freaked out a few times, or a lot...but Alyssa (from a comfortable distance) reassured me that he was only squirming in an attempt to help me free him, this made me feel slightly better, as a valuable member of a team striving toward the same goal instead of a hostage situation. Eventually, not kidding, after a good 15 minutes, his poor, sticky, slightly bloody head was freed, which I immediately regretted as his nibbling teeth nearly clenched my fingers in his frantic gnawing at the remainder of his firmly stuck body. I then started to release his feet, I was worried I would further injure him with the random unidentifiable object I was using in this process that the time lapsed slower than I can even recall, slower than ever. After what seemed like hours, his feet were free and we mentally prepared ourselves to run away as fast a possible with his sudden flee. As the mouse dropped to what I was betting, his freedom, he was caught by his thick, disgusting tail. I then had to saw through the stick (did I mention how remarkably sticky this stuff was, I mean, we couldn't get it off of our tools when we were finished! It was ridiculous!!!) As I finally got his tail freed, instead of running- our anticipated theory- he flopped onto the crisp green grass and stuck straight to it. I realized at this point, despite all of our truly sincere intentions to free this poor guy, nature was going to take its course.

I am personally grossed out, creeped out and slightly humored at that part of the day, though it was worth the effort because I probably wouldn't have been able to sleep at night knowing I left that poor helpless, harmless, squirmy creature to stick to death in a nicely organized garage. We decided we should carry him to the vacant neighboring homes yard, simply for a peace of mind. I wished him well and we threw that nasty sticky pad away to avoid any future situations.

Then Alyssa consoled me with stories about how it would rain and magically wash the stickiness from his now patchy body and he would be as good as new, completely disregarding the strength of stick or reality of the outcome, we went with it and didn't mention it again all day...until now.

"There is a presence of the dead among the living, I think of you but I have to put that memory away to move on, I have to let go, much like you did of this temporary holding." -The Lovely Bones

Right Where You Belong

This week as I wrapped up my final exams, (the very last, in-particularly), I started bubbling my answers & thought of how as a college student we put so much emphasis on things that will soon be small. We get anxious and stressed about these tests or projects or papers that are actually nothing in the big scheme of things. You'll probably graduate one day and then get into the real world, where the road to attain that degree seems like nothing, much like high school seemed a breeze in comparison to college, the reality of life now. You won't remember the exams or the chaos or struggle in courses, you'll remember the places, the people, the relationships, the fun, the degree.

Some days I catch myself feeling a bit overwhelmed, I call my mom and we talk it though. She always ends by telling me, "Danielle, so what? Even if the worst case scenario happened, you fail, then you retake it. It doesn't matter, it's not the end of the world." This rings in my ears when I start overlooking the good and focusing on the worst-case scenario because it doesn't matter. When we are gone, our lives won't be measured by our small discreet successes, it will be measured by the lives we affected in our time on Earth and by our Faith when we stand for judgement.

If we stressed less and put more of our energy into encouraging others instead of complaining, we might start to do something that will matter in the long run. We might discover that we are strong enough to overcome the things that are temporary to affect things that are forever.

Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.

Proverbs 19:21

The road may be long, but you'll end up exactly where you're supposed to be, despite yourself,
thank God.

Proverbs 31 Movement

There is controversy behind a man starting a movement such as the Proverbs 31 movement but at the end of the day he is just speaking God's Truth that some may have not had the chance to hear outside of this video. If this video caused even one girl in the world to hear Truth she had never heard or went and looked it up in The Holy Book herself, it was worth it. So, stop fighting it and start praying that God refines you too.

Seasons of Desire

I cannot believe how fast college is flying by! Actually, I can't believe how fast life is seeming to catch up with me lately, things come and go so quickly. I feel like an adult for the first time in my life and I'm sure it has little to do with getting my over 21 license in the mail, all sideways and beautiful. No, it's something internal I've been feeling lately, whether it be learning to fall in love again with just about everything: Christmas, new traditions, lovely people, sweet friendships, laughing, snuggling, it's a good season to fall in love & it's always good to find as many happy things in life as possible. I have been enjoying all of these little things. It's been wonderful & I am very happy.

A few weekends ago I had the pleasure of attending the Harvey/Hampton wedding as two of our dear friends united in marriage forever, however, since then I have set my vision ahead of where I am now. I'm starting to seriously desire things that I probably shouldn't be too set on considering I'm a few steps short of having them & that means having patience for God to see them through. Once again I am reminded that patience is a virtue.

I want to graduate with a degree into a world with limitless opportunities to excel or settle down and start a family, travel, raise some sweet babies. I feel mature enough to truly internalize what it means to spend my life enjoying someone else and I'm anxious for it but it's not an ending & it's not going to be perfect. I want to surrender it to the Lord, I don't want it to be a worry of mine but it is a desire and I know it's of Him because when I dream up the man I would like to one day marry, I draw nearer to God. I trust Him with the most vulnerable places in my life, of my heart, yet, I struggle to trust His timing because I'm afraid that will mean more waiting. I'm still scared when I have absolutely nothing to fear. It's slightly ridiculous, but it's honest.

Do not be anxious for anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6


Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4


Sometimes I think things, Danielle, what are you doing in this season of your life? and then I wonder if I thought of that question myself or if God sent a conviction my way telling me not get ahead of myself, missing opportunities to do good today while I am in this chapter of life, even when it's hard, even when I have to wait to understand why things are the way they are or aren't.

I am definitely not standing on a plateau at this stage in life but more than recognizing that fact, I need to be putting my Faith into action, that's when God can use us and answer the desires we so desperately think we need, or satisfy us with something we never expected at all. Don't let Satan steal from you, be grateful for what you have now, don't put off your complete happiness for later when you have a ring or a significant other, or whatever else you think will be the solution in life, enjoy now, this may be forever it may all end soon, we don't know. Maybe I can see the light at the end of this tunnel, God works it all our for His good and I know my patience will not be in vain because He is at the ending and the beginning of this love story, He has it all in His hands and that is the most comforting, safe place to be.

Read Me!

"If He can raise the dead, and He can part the sea, if He can create the universe out of nothing, He can find you your husband."
 -Janet Folger


Do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised. Hebrews 10:35-36

Pace Yourself

Get through this life at your own pace. What's the rush? What's with the planning?
Things don't go our way because we are meant to learn lessons and be hurt and mourn so that we may be joyful and humbled and to surrender because it is not in our control.

You don't have to give up your dreams, you just have to set your mind on what you want and realize you have the power of the Holy Spirit to achieve them. Be flexible to God's plan and just let go, don't worry because it will all fall into place, it's promised.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future." 
Jeremiah 29:11


"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." 
Psalm 32:8


& my personal favorite:
A Man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. 
Proverbs 16:9

feMale enEmy

On the first Tuesday of the first week of school, Ben Stuart led a sermon of Breakaway focusing on finding God through our studies in school. This was the first day that God clearly spoke. (...sad it took till nearly the first Tuesday of the LAST month of school...) Nonetheless, God showed up in my most dreaded class and showed me something true, interesting, sad and once again, lit a spark reminding me of a calling toward women's ministry.

We were speaking about the feminist rhetoric of a woman named Cixous. Don't try to say it out loud, ;). While I usually paraphrase the quotations I felt the urge to write one in its entirety:


"Men have committed the greatest crime against women. Insidiously, violently, they have led them to hate women, to be their own enemies, to mobilize their immense strength against themselves, to be the executants of their virile needs."


While I don't necessarily believe this was intended in the same time frame as we would understand it today, and men aren't always the ones objectifying or humiliating women's mindsets, this is definitely still an issue. Women are self-conscious, judgmental, hypocritical, we all are because we are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God. We, as women, are extremely hard on ourselves and raised to be very critical of others as well, namely, other women.

"And why don't you write? Write! Writing is for you, you are for you, your body is yours, take it.
I know why you haven't written and why I didn't write before the age of twenty-seven. Because writing is at once too high, too great for you, it's reserved for the great...& it's 'silly'. Besides you've written a little in secret, and because you've punished yourself for writing, because you didn't go all the way."


If we change the context of this quote a bit, take away writing, let it apply to anything you are holding back from doing because of fear. Why are you letting fear restrain you!? Why are you letting the judgements of others upon you change your thoughts toward the things you enjoy? "In secret," meaning something that is enjoyed and pursued but avoided because of the high costs, holding back because of fear.

There is an end, there is a finisher to this story: Jesus Christ. We only have to fight the ways of the world, the lies of the flesh and the harsh warfare of Satan against us UNTIL Jesus comes back for us. There is an end to all sin but this harm toward ourselves, toward other women, the reasons we raise girls the way we do in today's society: there needs to be an end to that too, even sooner. We are drowning and we are bringing all of God's princesses down with us.

Stop. Take a breath of fresh air. Draw a circle of chalk around yourself. Start there. Be the difference. Be a visible difference for the glory of our romancers Kingdom.

Therefore let us stop passing judgement on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother of sister.

Romans 14:13

Don't Fight His Goodness

Do What You Will

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. 

Who can understand it?

-Jeremiah 17:9

I woke the other day to an apartment of couples that had just spent the night together and suddenly instead of feeling envy of having someone of the opposite sex to share my life with, I found myself thanking the Lord that I was single in this season of life and that He had filled that void in my heart.

I heard  something recently I'd like to share here: 

"Girls, there are Christians everywhere, don't settle for just a Christian, 

go find someone that's foundation is Jesus. 

Find someone you know will hit their knees and look up in times of need, 

someone you have no doubt is after the Lord's own heart."

This is so incredibly important. 

How often do we waste time or affections 

on pursuing relationships with people that aren't seeking the Lord?

I know I have, years worth of waste, they were lessons but I know better than to repeat them again.

So now, I find comfort knowing that though, my own heart deceives me with lustful, wasteful desires but that the spirit in my soul is after something much better: The Lord and that through God's Truth, I will find another.

We cannot rejoice unless we are encouraged and uplifted, we are sinning to be wasteful.

Moses warns us to live as though our days are numbered because though we don't know the exact number, we are on a short timeline here on Earth.

Eternity is awaiting us, who will you allow to fulfill you in the mean time?

I hope it's Christ as #1 and someone significant after that, who shares your values and claims you behind Jesus too. 

Spiders of Darkness

Earlier this week, a very chilly evening, as my covers slowly slipped off the bottom side of my bed, I gave a good yank to get them back and then freaked when I saw a small, black spider sprint across comforter. He was too fast for me to mercilessly smash him and after a solid thirty minute attempt to hunt him down, I gave up and decided that I may have to become acquainted with the fact that I am not alone in my bed any longer, my place had been intruded as well as my mind, which suddenly flushed with anxiousness & worry about where that little spider had ended up. 

At the end of the day, we all have spiders in our homes, darkness in places we need light. We all have burdens to let go of and a devil that whispers our name, calling us into sin. But he is not the hero in this story, Jesus is calling us to a live worthy of a Heavenly Kingdom-- full of promise, love and mercy. He is a romancer of our hearts. He is gentle and caring. He thinks we are more beautiful that the stars in the sky or the sound of rain hitting the pavement in a drought. He loves us for who we were uniquely molded to be and He wants to love us and comfort us and He wants us to know Him and engage with His people.

Don't be concerned with outward beauty that depends on fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.

1 Peter 3:3-4

All beautiful you are, may darling,

there is no flaw in you.

Song of Songs 4:7

He wants every tribe and every soul and every unbeliever in all countries, all colors, all sizes, all ages to know who He is and how He has saved us. The devil wants those spiders to get away, he wants us to hunt them down and for us to be constantly worrying of their whereabouts. 

And this gospel of the Kingdom will be preached in the whole world 

as a testimony to all nations, and the the end will come.

Matthew 24:14

For there is no distinction between Jew and Gentile, for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him. For whoever call on the name of the Lord shall be saved."

Romas 10:12-13

Christ has already won the war, let it be done.

Finally, be strong in the Lord, and in the strength of His might. 

Put on the full armor of God, that you may be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. 

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, 

but against the rulers, 

against the powers, 

against the world forces of this darkness, 

against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. 

Therefore, take up the full armor of God, 

that you may be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, 

to stand firm.

Ephesians 6:10-13

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, 

I fear no evil, for you are with me;

your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Psalm 23:4

It's kind of beautiful, isn't it? How small those spiders are under our Mighty God's palm?

But this isn't really about spiders, right, it's whatever sin or lies from satan that you're allowing to worry you. Give it up. God wins.

Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

Matthew 6:27

Maintaining Faith

You know, I have been learning some valuable lessons lately and I'm not sure if I have the pages of notes from Breakaway each week or the vow to a daily devotional to thank for it but I know it lies somewhere near a Godly influence.

A few weeks ago I rekindled a spark with an old friend & while filling in the gaps of life that took place since our last encounter we stumbled upon the topic of relationships. He, well aware that I had been in a rocky relationship for the past few recent years, asked about what I had learned from it. It overjoyed me to be able to skip the "why did it end" question and go straight to the "God taught me this and made it good" section of the story.

As I talked he would chime in, reminding me of the importance to hear outsiders advice, someone who knew nothing about it and had no personal attachment to the the relationship at all.

I realized that I never say his name anymore, that person I dated. My friend asked me if we were still friends and I simply replied "no". To be honest, we haven't known each other's hearts for a while, we grew up, grew apart and that was the end. If you don't know a heart, you don't know much about someone at all and my heart has been much better guarded since then.

"You don't continue to make contact unless you are interested in maintaining a relationship," he stated.

I was shocked by how true his statement rang in my head. How many times had I been weary about boyfriends keeping in touch with their exes? Precisely because, as a woman, we are always worried about old flame relationships that are being maintained and the intentions behind them. I realized quickly that the little texts I threw my ex's way were holding me back, allowing the sting to continue to hurt me and my future. I was still being framed by a relationship I had long outgrown. I was thankful for the gentle planting of an idea that letting go of this person would open me up to new possibilities and not cause insecurity about the intention of maintaining relations to anyone new that would come along in my own life. It would never have to be an issue if I stopped it now.

So, I took a breath and threw away those love notes that I had shed so many tears over-- killing myself slowly with the 'what-if' game. I deleted his facebook, his number, I rid my life of everything that brought the pain of what I had lost back to me and then I woke up the next day and it was more beautiful than the past few years had ever been. The next day was the beginning of a new life in which I truly have focused on allowing God to fill its center. I began memorizing scripture, being encouraged, making time for new or old friends, living to do the things I wanted to without being held back and it was good.

Now, several weeks later, my life, again, looks so different than it did a month ago. I am finally content with the place I am sitting. I have healed and do not look back on the sadness of what pride, lying and differences had made but rather, I am able to remember the good times and have a genuine laugh or share an old story with a smile on my face. I am thankful for all the pain and heartache and laughs that lead me to this point. I am thankful for the love that let me ride it until that love ran out and a greater love washed over me.

I realize now that I was never hung up & left to dry but that I was on the edge of a huge ocean that was ready to engulf me in it's goodness, the goodness of our God. I just had to find the Faith to jump.

I am so thankful for being able to see glimpses of His ultimate plan in my life and the reassurance that it is, in fact, good.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11

Heart before Body

Multiple Thanks'

My spiritual life has been taking bold strides forward. It is a season in life that is joyful and constantly reminding of God's goodness and blessings.

My mom just got a job she has been hoping to get for a long time now, since she graduated with her Masters degree, an answered prayer.

I am so thankful for the abundance of blessings I have become aware of in life right now. Even if just the presence of a very sweet, sweet puppy or an "I love you" from a dear friend. Life has been its own kind of beautiful, a mere reflection of the Lord, Himself.

I am thankful, each day has been a new reason for thanksgiving.

I learned today that if within a relationship there is harsh speech or action toward one another (from one or both parties) or feelings of superiority or ridicule, there is a higher chance of illness. As I posted earlier this week, I have been struck with illness in this life, especially lately. I am recovering from a viral respiratory infection that started over a month ago, about the time I had an encounter with an ex-boyfriend, at which time he said & did a lot of truly hurtful things that stung my heart. I have been ill since. I have been physically and emotionally wounded. My heart hurt out of desperation for approval, Satan's lies in form of words from someone I though would always care for me and the vulnerability to internalize things I knew better than to believe.

Slowly I am overcoming this entire situation and hurt with the idea that God works all things for His good. I don't even fully understand it yet, but each day is closer to wanting it more, wanting His will to succeed over my own, the loosening of a tight grip on things I have kept close for too long. I am letting go and it has never felt better or more real than it has tonight. I have been in His Truth and been filled with Godly advice, guidance and friendship that has brought me farther than I ever could have come alone. Thankful, again.

"Shout for joy to the Lord, all the Earth.
Worship the Lord with gladness, come before Him with joyful songs.
Know that the Lord is God.
It is He who made us, and we are His;
We are His people, the sheep of His pasture.


Enter His gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise;
give thanks to Him and praise His name.
For the Lord is good and His love endures forever;
His faithfulness continues through all generations."
Psalm 100

Pumpkin Patch Princess

It was my baby Lady's first Halloween, her first Fall, first pumpkin patch, a lot of firsts that we needed to make the most of. It has a great season.

:)

Gilbert

About a week ago I was diagnosed with a disease that researchers call "seemingly harmless": Gilbert's Syndrome or GS. This term is thrown around so casually but any diagnosis is scary even if the treatment is a bandaid. Gilbert's Syndrome, who the hell is Gilbert and what does he want with me?

"GS is harmless.
You'll never even notice it."

I'm just a product of some disease now. I get to pay the $5 the insurance doesn't cover of lab tests to be poked and prodded every six months just to be told that I still had an elevated bilirubin (byproduct of the liver) and there is nothing they can do about it. Until last week when they put a name on it, still couldn't do anything about it and then told me not to worry.

I was born with Jaundice, GS usually develops from forms of Jaundice. My mom said I was a beautiful tan only slightly yellowed color. I was born yellow, born sick.

Growing up I remember getting sick often. I cried every time I threw up until I was 14, which was a lot. I cried because it hurts to throw up. It hurts to be sick. It hurts to label that sickness into a category with the 5% of the population that has been diagnosed with GS too.

I was sick a lot, some symptoms of GS is fatigue and digestion issues, I've had both for as long as I remember. I still do.

But GS is harmless, right? I won't even notice it...

Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am weak; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are troubled.
Psalm 6:2

Tainted Reality

Have you ever just waken up and realized that everything about your past might have quite possibly been completely imagined? I'm starting to think that a lot of things in my past were just a mere mirage that time has constructed, they didn't actually mean anything. It's like I don't know what is real and what I made up anymore.

Someone that loved you doesn't cut you out of their lives completely. Maybe it wasn't love at all.

Lately I have been really torn up inside fighting to get over a past that seemed so real once but has left me feeling so horrible now, mostly because I don't want to tell myself it was always a lie, a bigger lie than the little ones that tore our "relationship" apart. None of it was sincere from anyone but me and now I'm the "crazy girl" that can't let things go.

Let me set this straight:
I'm not crazy, I'm just hurt. I'm hurt that I wasted the past few years of my life on something else that would abandon me in life, something else that would walk out when things got hard. I'm hurt that I put my heart through a blender and now have to try to put all the pieces back together again without knowing where to start, over a person who would never do the same for me. I'm hurt that I have to walk on eggshells now to make everyone else comfortable when I just want to scream and be upset and be "crazy" for a while toward someone that promised me things would be different, someone that promised he would never be the person my father was but did exactly that and left, forever.

It's hurtful and I've heard every excuse and none yet to justify.
You don't lie in love. You don't taint the only pure thing in this life, the only thing that gives us life at all, love.

So, as I piece back all things broken, I wonder again if it is my heart aching at all
or
if I made it all up
and rather,
it's my imagination
hurting me instead.

The Not-So-American-Dream

I feel like I have abandoned this blog for a while & I really don't want it to be that way.

I always have great ideas for blogs but feel ill-motivated to take the time to actually jot them down plus as a college student that is also in a leadership position at work and a full time mommy to a high maintenance puppy, I'm busy!

Also, when I log on I get excited to read about what is going on in so many other people's lives and then I forget about writing at all.

This past weekend I turned 21. Exciting, right? It was pretty much the best birthday I can remember, ever. I flew out to Vegas where the weather was perfect all day, I walked away with more money than I started with gambling, I zip-lined under a light show across the entire downtown strip, took a gondola ride where I was sung happy birthday in Italian, I could go on and on for days about all the things we got to do and the amazing people I got to meet & all the ways that people went out of their way to make my weekend special. I enjoyed every second of the birthday adventure I got to endure. My taste of flying, Vegas, Cali & Italia we simply amazing. God is everywhere love is & I am so blessed to have gotten to experience that love in a lot of different places.

I've learned a few things about myself because this birthday actually felt older & it was so cool.
1. Travel to as many places as you can that you have never been, life is so short.
2. Favorite gambling game: Roulette, favorite mixed drink: "Nuts 'n' berries"
3. If you're gambling, you get unlimited free drinks of absolutely anything you want. :)!

I also thought about how this was the closest I have ever been to accomplishing dreams & desires I have pondered my whole life and yet, the farthest I been too. I have dabbled in love and heartbreak for a long time but now that it's closer to making decisions about the rest of my life....I don't want to. I'm not sure I'm done feeling sad about the person I thought would always love me completely cutting me out of his life. I'm not sure I picture God's plan for my life going exactly how I had imagined it should. The only hopeful part in all of this is that it doesn't have to work out according to this "American Dream" standard. I don't have fall in love in college, get married upon graduation, travel the world before settling down in the suburbs, a dog & 2.5 children. It's ridiculous the more I think about it, I don't even want that anymore.

I just want to experience God and see Him through His creation in as many places as I can -- get glimpses of who He really is and who He desires me to be. I'm a woman after His own heart & as much as I fail, I only desire it more. So, I want to travel, I want to fly and hike and sail and jump into every crevice, depth, sky, body of water, that I get the chance to before I join Him and He shows me what living really is.

Life on Earth as a Christian is about love but nobody limits you to love only one person, why not love on everyone, deeply and let people love on you because there is joy in love, God is love. It's great, you see?

Get Inspired

I have been reading "inspirational" lists sent to me by various people or exposed in popular media but I have decided that no list works better than one you write for yourself, so read this one, use the ones that work for you and then write your own.

Get inspired. 

1. Never leave the house without clean teeth, you'll smile more, which will make you happier. Happy=pretty.

2. Find joy in the little things (they're everywhere)

3. Laugh out loud, a lot, even if nobody else "gets it"

4. Don't let petty things burden you.

5. Swing as high as you can and then jump, then make it a competition with a friend

6. cook
7. Talk to a stranger every chance you get
8. Tell people they're important and appreciated
9. Do/say things for the simple reason that it makes someone else happy
10. Do favors for people without expecting anything in return
11. Do zumba!!!!
12. Don't take yourself too seriously
13. Confess/own up to mistakes you've made & don't repeat them
14. Sincerely apologize when you need to, let go of the bitterness, it will set you free.
15. Let a child teach you something
16. Lose yourself in a good book (I recommend ANY Jodi Picoult read)
17. Sing every song you know the words to even if the car next to your stares
18. If someone cuts you off while driving, smile & wave (it actually feels better)
19. Get a puppy & keep it & let it love you & watch it grow & teach it right from wrong & don't give it away when it gets hard
20. Wash your sheets
21. Do something rebellious with your hair
22. Take an afternoon nap outside
23. Find the biggest hill you can and roll down it
24. Let go of your past, recognize life is short and embrace the present
25. Pray

26. Take a walk around the neighborhood
27. People watch
28. Give yourself plenty of time to get things done so that there's no such thing as "crunch time stress"
29. Let tomorrow worry about itself
30. Go on vacation to somewhere you've never been
31. Love as much as possible, don't be picky, find the lovable things in absolutely everyone
32. Challenge yourself
33. Forgive but don't forget
34. Forgive yourself
35. Choose your battles wisely (Will this matter in 5, 10 years?)
36. Take classes outside of your major.
37. Work for your own money.
38. Don't live an envious life, see the beauty in yourself
39. Trust that there may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning.
40. Write your goals in a place you see every day
41. Cry if you have to, get it all off your chest but then, let it be done

42. Call your family & always say "I love you" before you hang up
43. When the hard things and the right things are the same, do the right things.
44. Don't let bad habits get the best of you
45. Learn the lessons you need and accept that you'll have to learn most of them the hard way
46. Get out of your comfort zone
47. Stand firm in your standards, beliefs & values, someone will reach them all, patience is a virtue
48. Be comfortable in your own skin
49. Meet people halfway
50. Surrender it all to God, BEST thing you can do for yourself, let it all go & know that He has your best intention in mind.

51. Don't ruin yourself playing the "what-if" game

52. 

I'm going to continue this list as I have ideas :)

Bitterness

Last night I was challenged to think of something I needed to confess to someone and apologize for. I sat for minutes pondering this and nothing came to mind. I jumped from person to person, hoping I'd be convicted by one but, nope.

Don't get me wrong, I have done plenty of things I have needed to apologize for but I commend myself for making things right pretty fast. I don't like letting tension linger for long. I'm definitely a sinner but I felt completely free of conviction because of things I had done to hurt someone else through my sin. So when we were to write down an incident I couldn't think of anything but the times I thought I deserved an apology & the fact that I may never get them. People are shady creatures and instead of letting my pride get the best of me I am overtaken with bitterness against them.

At last I realized, it wasn't the people who were getting interjected into my life that I let wound and scar me that I was angry with, it was God, Himself. I was upset that the Lord would allow these people into my life just to continuously disappoint me. I realized that I was treated God like he was the lying ex-boyfriend, the new interest that actually had a girlfriend, He was the people that pretended to be everything they're not. My depiction of the King was perverted through the ways sinners had used me. It wasn't these people I owed an apology to, it was God.

I was also finally convicted that instead of finding my joy from the Lord I was depending on Him to answer my hopeful prayers with people and relationships rather than being content with His foundation of truth. I was finding joy in people not in Faith.

So, it has been a long journey but I am ready to jump off of the cliff I've been hiking for so long and finally trust my Father to teach me to fly. I am ready to stop finding happiness in temporary satisfaction and ready to stand of His firm foundation. God is not these people and He does not deserve to be blames for their wrongdoings. I have been hurt so that I may learn & I have lots of lessons under my belt.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent. Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the praise of Israel. In you our fathers put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them. They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed. But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by men and despised by the people (Psalm 22:1-6).

I will declare your name to my brothers; in the congregation I will praise you. You who fear the LORD, praise him! All you descendants of Jacob, honor him! Revere him, all you descendants of Israel! For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help. From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly; before those who fear you will I fulfill my vows. The poor will eat and be satisfied; they who seek the LORD will praise him—may your hearts live forever! All the ends of the earth will remember and turn to the LORD, and all the families of the nations will bow down before him, for dominion belongs to the LORD and he rules over the nations. All the rich of the earth will feast and worship; all who go down to the dust will kneel before him—those who cannot keep themselves alive. Posterity will serve him; future generations will be told about the Lord. They will proclaim his righteousness to a people yet unborn—for he has done it. (Psalm 22:22-31).

Risky

There are two things I hope you understand & remember about this particular blog, if nothing else:
1. God has a heart and endures heartbreak with us and because of us.
2. Genuine apologies can go a long way.

Love is risky, life is risky and you are never alone on that two way street.

"The Bible begins with God making people who have freedom. Freedom to love God or not love God. And these people consistently choose not to love God. It's written in Genesis 6:6 that God 'regretted that He had made human beings on the earth, and His heart was deeply troubled.' These ancient writers saw God as having a heart, that feels, responds, hurts. A heart that fills with pain.
God...grieving.
And what is the source of this grieving?
People."
(Rob Bell, Sex God).


"When you make a move toward a person, when you extend yourself to them...you give them power. Power to say yes or no. Power to decide. If she decides to love him, she runs the huge risk that she might have her heart broken. And this risk does not end with marriage."

Overshadowing Sin

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead." -Adelle

I've handwritten two ideas for entries on here so today may make this page anew. 

I've been confronted by an idea lately, the reality of an idea, really: life is short. We have heard this our whole lives, "Life is too short to let go of the ones you love," or some version of that statement. Yes, it's probably true, though we don't usually have a say in who leaves us-- my father left us, I loved him, it doesn't always make a difference. But seriously, life is short. Short. I feel like my life is just beginning but in reality is, statistically approx. 1/4 over. 

I'm already almost 21 years old and what have I to show for myself? 

Who am I? 

What identities do I find myself labeled under?

What are the desires of my heart?

Am I missing it, the purpose of my being? 

Am I looking straight from God created the world to His offering of merciful salvation?

What is the middle supposed to look like? 

What about you?

There has to be more for this short life!

Don't let your sin overshadow the depths of who you really are.

In Jesus' Name

After one heartfelt prayer before attending Breakaway, the largest college ministry in the nation, here at Texas A&M, College Station, I was answered immediately through the sermon of Ben Stuart. This is a big deal for more than the simple one: God answers prayers, yay! It was also a small reassuring idea that even when I don't make time for Him, He indeed, still makes time for me and gives me clear knowledge that He is doing so.

I prayed that Ben would capture my attention and let me know it was God, Himself, speaking to me. I prayed that something, anything that could be spoken would draw me near and give me insight of the Lord's desire for me. I prayed that the sermon would stick out to me individually and touch every single person that would hear it in some way.

God answers prayers.

He answered the prayers that brought over 9,700 people to learn about Him.

He answers prayers, I'm sure of it. 

Ben basically gave a shout out sermon to all college student everywhere, or students in general. He began with the question that we all ask ourselves at different points in our lives, "What am I doing here?" Wherever you may be, college, a specific town, a situation, a relationship, a crossroad in life, "What the heck am I doing here? What am I accomplishing at this very moment?" 

I have been questioning myself a lot lately. With the semester starting up I have pondered changing majors and staying in Aggieland a little longer than expected or to tell this boy that thinks he has a chance that the Lord is calling me away from him & the sexual desires of his heart in order to protect my own, again,"What am I accomplishing here?" The more I try and swallow that question, the more roughly it goes down. I think we forget how valuable each moment is, how precious few we have in the big jist of things. 

Last night was also Silver Taps, one of the traditions that brought me here to Aggieland. Students collect into Academic Plaza as the bell tower rings and cadets march slowly in to honor fallen Aggies who have died within the past month, honored in silence, darkness and a 21 gun salute, an Aggie is never forgotten. Seeing the names and class years of these students, 2013, my prospective graduation year, they never got there, picked Nuclear Engineering, worked their butts off and never achieved that diploma. "How much time will I have to accomplish these goals?" "What am I accomplishing in the mean time?" "For what purpose do I do the things that I do?" I've put a lot of emphasis on blowing through classes, getting that shiny college ring on my finger and ultimately earning that diploma to get a job and get on with my life. There's gotta be more than that, right? "What is this college experience meant to provide?"

So while Ben reflected on the verses reminding us to do all things for the glory of God, I reflected on the things I had learned in college that had absolutely nothing to do with tests or studying and everything to do with things the Lord needed to teach me in my life. "The more I look at what you've done, Lord, the more I know you. What will others know about me based on the things I've done here?"

A few solid points to be made:

 --> Study creation in order to know the Creator.

--> Education is for exaltation, the grounds of your studies are purposefully showing you glimpses of God, fuel for worshipping Him.

Ben wrapped up by saying that we waste ourselves when we do not seek Him out through the things that consume us. We are meant to internalize not liking certain subjects or being encouraged in others. I, for example, really dislike math, even talking about math makes my head pound, one glance at a graphing calculator and I get sweaty palms, the whole sha-bang, but on the other hand, I love to write & even though it seems like nobody ever comments on these blog posts, I get feedback by words or emails or private messages. I am encouraged that the Lord has something for me to share and gives me outlets to do so that I enjoy and feel motivated to do. Ben stated that all that we study should tell us about our Beloved and about ourselves, God reveals Himself and gives us things we love to do to put it forth unto others. I love to write and I have learned that because of the ways of the Lord have been present in my teachers and respondents, God gives us joy in things He likes for us to do. Notice things about yourself that you do or do not live and figure out why, I promise God will be at the root of it because He made all and is in all. 

Just as I may see a speck of uncleanliness in a glass of clear water, am I repulsed, similarly, to my own sin? We must turn away from the distractions and seek out the good of the Lord in all things but we must learn also in the process to figure out our true desires and loves that are surely for Him.

At the end of the day, that diploma is not my ultimate goal, the Kingdom of Heaven is. My goals are beyond the scope of worldly understanding and I need to be living accordingly to the longings, desires and joys the Lord has given me to better prepare myself for what is to come. You do too. 

Do all in Jesus' name!!!! 

"Higher education is for God's Kingdom." -Ben Stuart

In His name & for His glory...

...until He comes back, His will be done.

Link:

Breakaway Ministry Podcasts

dot dot dot

This is a sad time in the life of my blog. I promise to update soon! Life is SO GOOD!!!!

Don't worry.

Evidentiary Support

I'm sure that you have all heard the expression "don't settle for less than you deserve" but what I am trying to say is: "Be worthy of getting what you were created to have."

There are plenty of people who will throw their bodies or feelings around for you to tug on, without much concern of the aftermath but I'm a firm believer in not giving in, standing your ground and even when it's hard because you've made miserably huge mistakes, pick up that cross and remember your worth.

I am no where near perfect. I am a sinner that has a lustful heart and sometimes acts on those lustful desires but in the morning, when God breaks me down and speaks through others to me because I don't pick up my Bible enough to hear His own voice, he tells me, "keep your heart beautiful, Danielle." The Holy Spirit that is purely from the Almighty King, Himself, is the only thing that makes my heart beautiful and I don't even guard it as well as He commands. I can tell myself over and over again that I will be strong when it is hard, I will say no when temptation arises, I will not focus my sight on the things of this world but on the eternal kingdom. Well, to think is one thing and to act is another, where are my actions in those beliefs, where is the evidence of Christ in my life?

At Breakaway, the largest college ministry in the nation, conveniently held in an arena on my campus, in a small conservative town of College Station, Tx, where you'd think it'd be easy to be living a Christian lifestyle, I was told not to let this time of my life pass me by. These years are the most passionate times of our lives. We, as students, are passionate about academics. We, as friends, sons, daughters, significant others, teammates, co-workers, family, Christians, passionate about relationships. We are passionate about graduating and holding a degree reminding us what we've done here. But we are missing it if we are not letting God's truth be a passion that spills from our very beings. Where is the evidence of Jesus' death and resurrection, the evidence of God's merciful infinite love for us?


I began to wonder where these Godly men who were on their knees in awe of our Maker or throwing their hands up, jumping around in joy of the workings of the Lord were in my everyday life. Where am I outside of the safe zones of Christian boundaries? Northgate? Drinking? Kissing someone I have no intension of dating? Where are you? Why can't I pick someone out from a crowd and say they love the Lord and I can tell because it radiates off of them? Why can't others do that in my life? Why am I so quick to point out the flaws on others when my own hands are not clean?

I so desperately want to be living for the Lord. I want to be passionate about something that will last beyond just the next day. I keep telling myself to stop going for these "bad guys", stop being bothered by  other people's choices because Danielle, you need to worry about YOU. Get your priorities straight, stand firm in Faith, even if blindly so, because it's gonna be worth it but you have to be worthy of it first. Let the Lord fulfill you.

"If your law had not been what I am fond of,
Then I should have perished in my affliction.
To time indefinite I shall not forget your orders,
Because by them you have preserved me alive.
I am yours. O save me..."
Pslam 119: 92-94

Lady

I adopted Lady from a lowly puppy-mill filled pet store and while I do not support this kind of mistreatment I had wanted a Cocker Spaniel for so long and I saw her crumpled up into an empty bowl in the front window, lonely, tiny, and obviously extremely sick. I couldn't help but want her.

My heart was completely broken for the puppies there. They were tear-stained, reeked of kennel cough and held by every dirty hand that walked by to fancy them. I asked for the Cocker Spaniel puppy and didn't want anyone to hold her again in that condition. I had never seen a puppy that small at 8 weeks. I called my mom to ask her opinion, though, I had already had my mind set that I couldn't live with placing her back in that cage. 

I paid for her straight out. I didn't care how much she was or that I had no intention of getting a puppy that day so my apartment was not ready for her arrival at all. 

We took her home and gave her a bath, snuggled her, introduced her to her big sister, Bailey and headed to Petsmart (my favorite store). Lady, whom we almost named Taz, only weighed a mere 2 pounds, which made her an odd match with our 45-50 pound lab puppy, Bailey.

Since she was not yet potty trained (she actually had a habit of only going on the sidewalk because she had been going on a hard floored crate in the pet shop for so long, so sad) I had folded a few clean towels into a basket just big enough for her to be unable to get out of for the night. I hummed her to sleep  and held her close to me until she fell asleep for weeks, then I gently placed her into her basket next to my bed. I was so worried because I would hear wheezing, breaking my heart all through the night. 

I took her to the vet first thing in the morning where they diagnosed her with an upper respiratory infection or "Kennel cough" went home with meds that did nothing.

In the following weeks we had switched her food to a non-wheat or by-product based, holistic: Blue Buffalo, which cleared up her tear-stains within days. We also went vet hopping until we finally found one that gave her an antibiotic that worked! I signed her up for the puppy plan at Petsmart, which has been one of the smarter decisions I've made and cut costs tons. I wish I would have started there and saved hundreds of dollars bouncing around but as long as my sweet baby got better, the money didn't matter.

Now, looking back on a healthy, 6 month old beauty, I am so happy with the things that have happened leading to where we are now. I can understand why people are adopting pet companions rather than having children. This is my baby, I would do anything for her, there is no owner or master, there is a loving mommy to a freckled sweet blonde baby and a loving bond that surpasses all outside understanding. What a whirlwind it has been but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.