You know, I have been learning some valuable lessons lately and I'm not sure if I have the pages of notes from Breakaway each week or the vow to a daily devotional to thank for it but I know it lies somewhere near a Godly influence.
A few weeks ago I rekindled a spark with an old friend & while filling in the gaps of life that took place since our last encounter we stumbled upon the topic of relationships. He, well aware that I had been in a rocky relationship for the past few recent years, asked about what I had learned from it. It overjoyed me to be able to skip the "why did it end" question and go straight to the "God taught me this and made it good" section of the story.
As I talked he would chime in, reminding me of the importance to hear outsiders advice, someone who knew nothing about it and had no personal attachment to the the relationship at all.
I realized that I never say his name anymore, that person I dated. My friend asked me if we were still friends and I simply replied "no". To be honest, we haven't known each other's hearts for a while, we grew up, grew apart and that was the end. If you don't know a heart, you don't know much about someone at all and my heart has been much better guarded since then.
"You don't continue to make contact unless you are interested in maintaining a relationship," he stated.
I was shocked by how true his statement rang in my head. How many times had I been weary about boyfriends keeping in touch with their exes? Precisely because, as a woman, we are always worried about old flame relationships that are being maintained and the intentions behind them. I realized quickly that the little texts I threw my ex's way were holding me back, allowing the sting to continue to hurt me and my future. I was still being framed by a relationship I had long outgrown. I was thankful for the gentle planting of an idea that letting go of this person would open me up to new possibilities and not cause insecurity about the intention of maintaining relations to anyone new that would come along in my own life. It would never have to be an issue if I stopped it now.
So, I took a breath and threw away those love notes that I had shed so many tears over-- killing myself slowly with the 'what-if' game. I deleted his facebook, his number, I rid my life of everything that brought the pain of what I had lost back to me and then I woke up the next day and it was more beautiful than the past few years had ever been. The next day was the beginning of a new life in which I truly have focused on allowing God to fill its center. I began memorizing scripture, being encouraged, making time for new or old friends, living to do the things I wanted to without being held back and it was good.
Now, several weeks later, my life, again, looks so different than it did a month ago. I am finally content with the place I am sitting. I have healed and do not look back on the sadness of what pride, lying and differences had made but rather, I am able to remember the good times and have a genuine laugh or share an old story with a smile on my face. I am thankful for all the pain and heartache and laughs that lead me to this point. I am thankful for the love that let me ride it until that love ran out and a greater love washed over me.
I realize now that I was never hung up & left to dry but that I was on the edge of a huge ocean that was ready to engulf me in it's goodness, the goodness of our God. I just had to find the Faith to jump.
I am so thankful for being able to see glimpses of His ultimate plan in my life and the reassurance that it is, in fact, good.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11
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