Christmas Cheer

This Christmas was full of surprises!

I came home about a week later than usual so it was even more of an occasion. I got the usual welcome home committee & greetings from a house full of extended family. Since everyone had places to travel, we met at my grandparents new house in Bulverde, TX to eat a gloriously filling lunch and open a few presents on the eve of Christmas eve. It was so much fun to see some distant family this year. We got to eat turkey, ham, homemade pie, and lots of delicious foods my grandparents are legends for providing on the holidays. It was a wonderful night full of fun and laughter.

My sister's longtime boyfriend, Nick's family also joined us from Corpus Christi, TX this year. Parents, children, toddlers, aunts, uncles, granny's, cousins, sisters, brothers, friends, everyone was invited to a Christmas Eve party at my elder sister, Kori & Nick's brand new house to celebrate. For one, the house looked absolutely gorgeous! They just recently planted roots in San Antonio, TX and found a house that flatters them so well. It was a wonderful host house, flows well, spacious rooms for lots of fellowship. We decided to mix it up this year and have barbeque, baked potatoes, mac'n'cheese, green bean casserole, creamy corn, salad, Irish cream cake, pretty much every great non-traditional Christmas food, which was amazing and a nice break from the usual week of turkey. Mmm.

The little girls colored and played hide'n'seek, they entertained us all with shrieks of happiness and joy. We were even introduced to a new tradition from Nick's side of the family of simply singing Christmas carols together (accapella), which was actually really sweet and really funny. When we didn't catch the case of giggles, we had a grand ol' time. I hope that tradition sticks.

Before we ate, everyone stood & gathered in a circle to hold hands and pray. It was a sweet and simple reminder of the birth of Jesus and the true meaning of Christmas that we so easily forget sometimes in the hustle & bustle of buying gifts. A savior was born & our lives are made complete knowing we have paradise to look forward to because Jesus has paid the debt for our sins. We are thankful.

I have been so blessed to witness the progression of two families being sewn into one over the years and had so much fun spending Christmas under one roof eating some delicious food and getting to catch up with loved ones we don't get to see every day. I wish I had gotten more pictures of everyone. We even celebrated Nick's granny's 81st birthday. We had lots of cake, ice cream, ice cream cake, everything to make one start rolling instead of walking.

As the night concluded, my immediate family attended the candlelight service. Then we headed home to open presents, a family tradition we have carried on for years, Christmas Eve presents before Santa comes in the night.

We also drove around Windcrest to look at all the Christmas lights in the convertible snuggled together under blankets to save us from the brisk wind.

Funny that I am now 22 years old & this is the first time we have ever acknowledged that Santa is not actually the person that knows princess bandaids and lifesavor gummies are good stocking stuffers, no matter the age. This is the first Christmas it was alright to say aloud that Santa isn't real but the spirit of Christmas was far from fake.

It has been a lazy Christmas day full of Christmas movies, "Merry Christmas" calls, texts, and celebration from those we couldn't be with and lots of anticipation for a new year full of journeys that make Christmas joy stick around all year long: love.

So, this years resolution is not to hold happiness an arm's length away from myself. I want to completely and whole-heartedly invest in the things that make me genuinely happy & to simply enjoy them with the spirit of love, the spirit of Christmas & the reason for them both close to heart, Jesus.

Here's to Aggieland.

Today I am overwhelmingly reminded how much I love this town. I love the way my puppy chases the leaves by the pond across the street. I love the many parks and trails. I love that it is full of youthful fun, big dreams, and gold rings. I love meeting new people, exploring new buildings, traditions. I love that as an Aggie you are never forgotten. I love meeting old Ags and swapping stories. I love the football games, midnight yell, the many things that make Aggieland so unique. I love it here and I am in no hurry to leave.

I love that each credit I gain, each person I meet, each life lesson I conquer outside of the classroom was all part of the plan, God's plan that continues to sweetly surprise me. I remember how hard I worked to get here and I remember how hard the semester when I found out I had been accepted was to finish elsewhere because I just could not bare to be anywhere but College Station. I was so excited for the chapter Aggieland would open I couldn't stand it. I was beyond myself to move here and until I feel that excited about whatever is next in my life, I won't go. I will not feel mediocre or apathetic toward what is in store after college. So, I'm gonna stretch college out a little longer because I love where I am and see plenty of potential right here.

So, not yet will I leave.
I don't know what I want to do after college & that's okay.
Sure, I'll get a job, go to grad school somewhere else, whatever else, but not yet.

So goodbye to the plans I had for graduating on time.
Goodbye to chasing everyone else's dream.
Goodbye to 18 hour course loads and the balancing act of an overpacked schedule of work, school and minimal play. I am here to learn, yes, but I am not here to nearly suffocate myself in the amount of work I strive to do all at once. This semester was one of the worst & I can now pinpoint why. I was playing catch up, playing by everyone else's rules to gain the same result of those around me but that's not me. I have to do what is best for me, individually and sometimes selfishly take absolutely everyone else out of the equation.

So, I have & this is what I have concluded:

I'll potentially graduate in December of 2013. I will not overwhelm myself with school or work. I'll get my ring whenever I can afford to pay for it myself. & after all of that? We'll see. I will go from there.

I have been so peaceful and content lately with where I am and admitting that I don't want to graduate yet or in May ...or in August. I still feel really young. I'm not ready for the corporate world ringer. I'm not ready to be engaged or paying for a life I think sounds nice. I'm not ready to leave Aggieland.

I just want to be young for the last time in my life. I want a year of finishing up and not worrying how or when things will work out. I want one more year before I have to make any huge decisions and be alright with the idea of knowing what I have to do won't always match others' plans but they're mine & it's good.

So, here's to Aggieland & all that it still has to offer
Whoop! :)

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, 

who have been called according to His purpose.

(Romans 8:28)

Dose of Doubt

"Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial; but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth."
Ambrose Bierce 

Now, I see things for what they truly are.

I recognize that having a little doubt is just an indication of the decision process of an intelligent adult, it's not something to flee from.

A healthy dose of doubt keeps us from rushing into potentially harmful things, like relationships or moving across the world from our families. Doubt keeps us on the fence, with just enough time to logically consider both options before taking the plunge into one side or the other.

That's the thing though, we run from doubt. We claim that if there is doubt then it must not be the right thing for us, not the "right" person. We think if we aren't 100% sure about someone then it is better to walk away than to take a risk.

I disagree. I say, everything good in life involves risk and if you aren't willing to pursue it when things are hard or when have doubts, you don't deserve to have it at all.

If you let doubt scare you away from something, if you refuse the attempt to shed light on the uncertain areas ahead of you and rather, turn back instead, you lose. You lose opportunities when you let the fear of confronting doubt stand in your way.

Because a little bit of doubt is good. Doubt is the security blanket between us and being overly exposed. Doubt is risky.

Every good journey starts with taking a risk.
Don't let doubt confine you.

Camp Memoir

I am finally getting around to writing this, if not for the actual memoir of Camp Eagle, for my own personal recollection.

To summarize what the experiences of Camp Eagle have taught me, I'll say this:

Firstly, I learned how God allows us to experience Him through different aspects of his creation. Whether it was through the people or the most beautiful pieces of nature I found myself entangled in, I was constantly aware of his presence out at camp. There is this mysterious way that the Lord captures your heart and sets it solely upon Mim while you are out there. There is little time or desire to wish for the things of the world, the buildings that obstruct views, or the lukewarm American dream. When I am under the stars on the smooth rocks of  the 'bathtubs' or leaping into the refreshingly clear river, or cave spelunking deep beneath the earth, or floating in the mud pit or worshipping in the pavilion, I am all there. The many beauties of His creation taught me what it meant to be completely, undividedly present within a particular moment in time and to embrace all that it had to offer.

As a camper I learned what it meant to surrender to plans of the Lord. What it was to profess my faith, which led to a public display of my testimony & the sweet moment that was my baptism in that chilly July river. That was the first time I had ever shared my testimony and the start of what would be a journey that would ask me to continue to share it abundantly.

As a counselor, I sought to find confidence in the Lord's ability to use even the darkest parts of my story to change lives and I found great joy as He did exactly that. I would pray each week with new groups of campers that he would reveal what He had brought me out of and how He had worked significantly on my heart since. Then, each week something else vulnerable and hard and scary would come into light. I learned to find not fear, but freedom in sharing my heartache, abandonment, impurities, all of the blemishes of my life and to walk away knowing I didn't have to carry them alone.

I learned to let the big things be important and the petty things fall away while living in close quarters with at least 13 other girls. Humility was a lesson many of us learned that summer, whether it was through another girl crushing on the same guy or just not letting myself get in the way of the ministry being done. I figured out quickly that I was not important in the ways God was rapidly and evidently moving all across camp and through those that found themselves changed there. It could go on if I wasn't there but I had this really awesome opportunity to simply be apart of it and I wouldn't have traded it for anything else.

Being involved in such a close-knit community of counselors, I saw what a man pursuing the Lord truly looked like. I internalized the fact that they aren't these perfect guys that have no struggle, rather they struggle with the same things anybody else may but their focal point of Jesus sets them straight again. It was a sweet reminder that we are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God but that He still believes us to be precious and uses us in mighty ways despite.

I saw the fellowship of a strong community of Christian men. We women got to partner with a different guy each week and see them lead in such inspiring ways. I learned that even a Christian man has struggles and is guilty of sin. There is no perfect man. That may have been one of the most impactful lessons in store for me that summer, that I did not have to be perfectly pursuing the Lord without failure to find a man that was a strong and faithful leader. I fell in love with many attributes that pointed back to the Lord, embodied by these guys I lived life with each day, which encouraged my dependence on the Lord with my future and with my potential mate with whatever journey he is currently walking through (wherever/whoever "he" may be).

I learned the might of a faithful woman devoted to prayer. I saw prayer move mountains, change hearts and impact lives, including our own. I saw a group of about twenty women pray and overcome obstacles by addressing them head-on after giving them up to God. I watched that same group live together in a cabin for thirteen weeks without one single quarrel, that in itself is incredible and unheard of but I witnessed it and it was real. Women living in tune with other women was one of the most beautiful, joyous occasions. I learned what it meant to have empathy toward one another, to hold each other accountable, to ask the hard questions, and to acknowledge we were not in competition but running the same race, on the same team, toward the same perfect goal of bringing Him glory.

I learned what it meant to rest in the Lord. To find a certain peace in spending a quiet alone time with him and what a difference this could make in the start of a day.

Just to mention a few...
Camp Eagle is a special place
& Jesus is a merciful God.

Poison

I am drowning in a disheartening poison.

I have realized lately what an emphasis I put on labels. "Girlfriend" specifically. I was one for years, well into college and naively, I felt that I could offer relationship advice that was solidified by a lengthy relationship, whether it was Christ-centered or not (not). I found joy in helping those in relationship crises. I felt valued to have someone committed to me, alone. My time was occupied with whispers of sweet nothings, love letters, flowers, piggyback rides, adventure, and an abundance of love I thought would never leave. I felt secure in knowing that whatever I wanted to do, I would always have someone to do it with, someone that wanted to make me happy and would always take my side. I felt loved, even if only temporarily. I felt beautiful and confident because I had constant reassurance and that alone was enough to me then.

But it didn't come from the Lord, any of it.

There was poison then that I allowed to disguised itself as a sweet, snuggly, reassuring voice in my head. The problem was that the voice I found when I felt low or in need of filling for a void, I found in a longterm relationship. I found my identity in that label. I found my value in our commitment to remain exclusive for a "long" space of time. I was a "girlfriend" and not much else.

Now, having survived being restrained by a new lone label for over a year, I find myself envying relationships I see others developing around me. Probably because human beings are selfish and we have a hard time seeing others joyously accepting the things that we believe ourselves to also deserve.

I deserve to be pursued and chased, to have my hand held and for someone to reassure me, speak Truth into my life, encourage me. I deserve to be on a two lane road that is balanced perfectly between two people and not a single, dead-end road that leads nowhere but toward insecurity and desperation. I will not settle for less. I have to tell myself this daily. But that's what poison does, weakens your immunity to toxin in life, allowing you to enter a vulnerable state that leads to places in which you make hazy decisions, forgetting what you actually want. In the haze I remember sitting in the comfort and security of a relationship feeling sorry for my single friends. In the Truth I remember what I deserve & I hold out for it, I cast out the poison because I recognize it as such. I do not allow lies to morph themselves into the sweet form they found before.

That's the thing, I glamorized the ideas of what a relationship could be since the release of the last one and now I don't seek out all the reasons that kept me walking away instead of staying. I can no longer see the bad that outweighed the joy. I see only the things I miss about having a label (stupid, I know) and I let that poison fuel my decisions to pursue things that aren't pursuing me. I do not seek out Truth until I find myself completely engulfed by suffocating poison.

But there it is again, the loss of focus. Allowing voices to be louder than the one of God. This time though, I am willing to be patient, painfully so. I am willing to trust that the Lord has a plan for this single season, to bring value to my life through it and make it eventually recognizable. I also know and acknowledge the poison in my life, therefore it cannot hide because it stands in the light. I will not allow it to be disguised as anything but exactly what it is, deceitfulness. And I will walk independently in Truth because I know Him and his pursuit of me, more sweet than any other. I know a label that holds far more value than the one I've reflected on. There is no poison in Truth. There is no room to drown when I am overwhelmed by a perfect love that casts out all fear.

So, I challenge you today to introspectively search and bring to light the poisonous lies in your life, then let the Lord's voice be louder.

Still Moved by Asia.

I know that the Lord has started a mighty work in Asia. I have seen it and felt the movement. I have witnessed to people hearing the name of Jesus for the very first time, coming to tears. I have prayed with hundreds of friends I met under those smoggy skies and knew before even departing that I would be back there. I trusted the support of prayer warriors here in the states and now I find myself contemplating applying to go back as an intern for a year upon my upcoming completion of college.

I am standing on the middle ground between two very grassy options.

OPTION A: I graduate. I try to keep in contact with people getting on with their lives, going off to various grad programs, getting married, whatever everyone does after college. I could get a job or apply to grad school myself (which eventually I will), and then I move wherever the job or the education lead me. Eventually I'll figure out what living life there means and occasionally, I'll ask myself if I am happy and if all the patient waiting I have done for this great guy or starting this perfect family is worth it when I am still just alone, using all of the strength I can to just forget that dream for now, let it work itself out instead of hounding me.

But I mean, there are perks to this. I am close to a family I have been away from for all of college. I get to make some money and start a new chapter, which I know will be great and full of surprises, which I am totally up for.

OPTION B: I let go of every selfish desire I have held within to chase the American dream of settling down immediately after college, abandon every safe place I have known as home, release my need for certainty and simply go to Asia where there is a deep need for a God who already knows and loves those people. I cannot call this a sacrifice in the face of what Jesus did for me. Rather, I see this as a sweet opportunity to be apart of the movement that is going on around the world. I want to talk to people that can reach parts of this world that Americans cannot, to keep the spread of the Gospel going so that, in fact, all nations may hear.

So, I either sit around here simply waiting on what is next or I go and have an adventure of my own, trusting that God has had this planned for me far longer than I have acknowledged and all of that marriage/settling down stuff will come when my heart can finally be tamed.

Make it Count

I don't know how to sleep knowing what I know.

I know that college was everything and nothing I expected to be. I know that I have faced some of the most challenging, heartbreaking, I-don't-want-to-get-out-of-bed, bitter trials that I could have never imagined and also, many moments of immense joy that allowed all of those hardship to fall away completely.

I know that I am a strong, eager, respectable, determined, caring woman that is constantly moving forward, discovering truly wonderful destinations along the way. I know I am going places & I know that I will not be stopped. I also know that I wouldn't mind slowing down a bit, setting a slower pace but that it may not necessarily match the pace of those around me because we are all moving forward, unstoppable.

I know that if I let some of them walk away, I may never see them again.
I have these mixed feelings about leaving or letting people free from the confines of college I've set them in and it's scary. I'm scared.

When everything is changing around you, it doesn't matter what you want or the plans you've made with the people around you because plans aren't concrete.

Everyone is chasing dreams, leaving, pursuing what they deeply desire to be theirs.

Plans don't matter. Having an idea about what we want our futures to look like or where we are going within them...doesn't matter.

Goodbyes are coming anyway.

But the thing about plans not working out and goodbye's overwhelming our lives whether we want them to or not is that it opens this door of mysterious opportunity that has the potential to be something completely unexpected and stunningly beautiful when it catches us offguard.

So, let go of your plans and make the moment you are in count for something.

This moment is your life, the only moment we have for sure.