The 12th Man

In the nostalgia of Aggie Football beginning today, the first season in nearly 4 years I have ever had to witness from a distance, I began the scroll through old pictures, shed a few tears, and let my heart really really miss College Station, TX.

When I think of football, I think of the 12th Man, which at Texas A&M University means the 60,000+ student body that shows up to Kyle Field for games, stands in the burning sun or the chilly rain for the entirety of the game to simply, show up in support. They have names for those who leave early and celebrations for those who stay late.

The 12th Man doesn't end there. It is a unified group of people that know what it is to work hard, to give selflessly, to honor those who came before them. It is a community of people who believe in good works and are always willing to lend a helping hand. Aggieland is full of friendly greetings, new friends, and an opportunity to get a top-notch education.

Aggieland to me was a family who understood the exact season I was in and lived it alongside me.

Now that I sit to explain it, I can't. They told me going in that there was a "spirit, can ne'er be told" I didn't believe it until now. I miss the professors that knew my name and cared about my dreams. I miss the joy of running into Reveille on campus. I miss the sound of spurs on the sidewalk, the sound of Bugle Calls at games, and the sound of immense silence at Muster as names of lost are called for the year. I miss BBQ's that brought former students out, the pond hopping, the roots of tradition, and beauty of a brisk walk around campus at night.

I could go on and on for days at the ways being an Aggie has changed my life. I could tell you how my walk with Christ was enhanced by the sweetest ministries I got involved in there or how after football games we would have lost our voices from yelling so loudly. It was the place that I felt most myself and had more fun than ever. The only place I look back on now when I think of too hot Texas that I would truly consider living again.

Instead, I'll say this, "Aggieland is home" because it's true. I miss it today as football begins again and I'll miss it always.

No Goodness is Withheld

The Lord does not withhold good things.

This was the reminder I write on a thin blue piece of fabric and tied to my ankle as the summer began, our first summer as Glorieta 2.0.  After months of preparation and uncertainty, of joys and hard work, of tears, laughter, and anticipation, summer had arrived.

Quickly seasonal staff trickled into our hearts and before we knew it, we were hugging goodbye, wrapping up final debriefs, watching new friends hit the road.

Now, as this beautiful place empties out, the rain falls, and the crisp fall air blows in, I am reminded that even when things didn’t go as planned or look exactly like we may have thought they would, He is still faithful. The mountains still boast of the work He did/is doing here.

Everything good still flows from Him.

It’s easy while working in full time ministry to recognize the life-change happening all around you, it’s good, it’s necessary. Outside of those humbling moments I had a few personal moments of awe, of change, of grace that I have just now really had the energy to sift through, leading me toward more thankfulness.

Now, I almost didn’t share this next part just because it felt vulnerable and honestly, when things sweetly move me, I want them to be completely mine, unshared. I want, also, to give a glimpse of how faithful the Lord has been in answering a longtime prayer, giving more than imagined, and continually pointing me back to Him so, I’ll proceed.

I know of no good way to start this story but to admit that I am covered with a blemishing past; a past rich in disappointing relationships that have broken me down or stolen from the identity I have in Christ.

I am thankful for the last few years of clarity, peace, singleness, freedom, and restoration. In that time I prayed fiercely that the next person to pursue me would do so with good intentions-- that I would never have a reason to doubt or fear or feel uncertain. Little did I know, that’s exactly what was soon to come.

Now I am entering into another season of life. A season that started pretty recently as I sat on a couch next to a man watching a silly animated movie feeling intrigue creep into the seat between us. That very night he asked me out on what would be our first date. Thank you, Jesus, for not making me wait or worry or doubt if this feeling was mutual. Thank you for his intentionality to boldly ask me and not leave me to wonder.

Long story short, in an odd series of events I met his entire immediate family the same week as our date. I remembered feeling so flattered by how special they made me feel, so touched that he had already mentioned me to them, and so proud to be potentially moving forward with someone who was raised by such thoughtful people. It was hard not to fall deeper into what had just begun nights before after that particular encounter.

In following weeks I took him to the rehearsal dinner of my very best friend. He met lots of people that I care immensely for. Most people made the assumption that we were already dating so we played along. He hit it off so well with the crowd there that seemingly every time he would turn his back, someone would be signing or whispering for me to “keep him”.

We stayed up late giggling and conversing about whatever two people talk about in a family’s not-so-private living room, as he stayed as a guest in our home to accompany me to various wedding events. As the weekend came to a close I think we both knew we wanted to be exclusive. That night he told me things he enjoyed about me and asked if I would be his girlfriend.

This entire conversation I felt so overwhelmed at how good our God is. He makes our blemishing ashes lessons for light. He gets rid of things of the past and makes us new. I was joyous that He had not only answered even the quietest of prayers but also, in better timing and in gentler circumstances.

He is faithful. He gives us the desires of our heart even when we are in the midst of begging our hearts to change their minds instead.

So, when I said “yes” to this simple question I wasn’t just committing to be an exclusive partner. I was saying “yes” to letting my heart become vulnerable to a man I know puts it in the hands of another man; a man who knows me better than I know myself because he knitted me together, wonderfully, beautifully. I was saying “yes” to acknowledging that the Lord has not forgotten the cries of my heart. “Yes” to considering another person’s spiritual wellbeing so that we can glorify our Maker better together than we have apart.

That one word was loaded with unspoken promise and I was glad to say it.

Now, as I consider what this recent role has taught me, it’s this: Godly relationships are mirrors. I have seen my character more clearly in the past few weeks than I had before. When I complain, I am quick to consider the impact it is having on this sweet man who simply listens because he is constantly considering my feelings and wanting to do right by me. I stop out of guilt and remind myself, I need to spend some quiet time in Truth today instead.

This relationship is a mirror because when we share prayer requests or compliment each other, we are each uplifted for uplifting the other. I see myself better—areas I need to grow in, things I am good at, what I do that is caring to others, ways that Jesus loves despite all else & how I can too.

Ultimately, I am thankful that the Lord was not only faithful in providing a partner to understand, inspire, reassure, and pray for me; He provided an outlet to show me His own character and how to strive to be more like it.

He gave me a mirror to mirror His image for me and in turn, build me up to more closely shadow Him.

I hope that you will also tie truth to yourself and let it never flee you.

I hope you have people that constantly point you toward Jesus and that you become more like Him because of it.

I hope you have precise prayers you can point back to that have been answered, even if differently than expected and realize His way is better.

The Lord does not withhold good things.