Take This Life

Since I went on a Summer Project Mission to Asia, my life has not been the same.

In fact, I remember so clearly the excitement of running through various airports or being delayed 10 hours on our journey there; Tickets, security lines, bag checks, passports, international identification questions, rolling suitcases, changing currency, the fear of forgetting something. I remember it all like it was yesterday. How none of it  seemed real, even as we embraced the moment our plane landed on this foreign soil and we were able to walk straight out of the plane onto the ground, into the smoggy air we had been warned about & I couldn't even tell. It didn't smell awful to me. It was different, that was expected, but it was so wonderful. I relive many moments had there over and over in my head, just to keep them close and fresh to me.

I have said several times in this blog and I'll never stop saying that I fell in love with that country, with that culture, with so many things in my time spent there. I cried the night before we left our city and headed to debriefing and my eyes glistened again leaving for good a week later. I didn't want to come "home".

And most days, I still don't want to be here. I want to be somewhere far away where I don't know anybody. Somewhere I am forced to learn new things, meet new people, and embrace new culture. A place I don't have to intentionally get away from what seems comfortable or routine to me because it is my only choice. I want to explore territory that is unknown to me and share with others a brand new journey. That has become my dream as I get older. I have strayed away from thoughts of settling down and closer to the "risky" side, the side that may initially seem to lose much more than it gains, but only if you choose to see it that way.

I have found myself slowly creating wedges between my attachment to things here, beginning the process of letting them go since I will soon, surely, be gone. Maybe I'll look back on my days spent in Aggieland or Austin or any little town I've lived along the way, reminiscing over my time there, too, or maybe not.

Upon my return, I had lots of affirmation in the direction of my life. The Lord used really neat outlets to speak to me, preparing me for the place I stand now, about to enter into the world on my own. I know He has plans for me and I can hardly wait to see where they will take this life.

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.

Proverbs 19:21

Moments of Treasure

Treasures don't always approach the way we anticipate them to.

An ordinary man walks into an office in hopes of fulfilling obligations by turning in necessary paperwork but sits and stays to join in conversation about Faith, small joys in life, childhood memories, future plans, etc..

The man stayed until the female office worker had completed her tasks for the day and could proceed to leave.

As she headed to the sink in a nearby break room to wash out the sugar-stained bottom of her oversized coffee mug, he took advantage of the brief seconds he had alone to write his contact information.

As the woman walked back into her office, he presented her with the bright neon colored sticky note and told her he planned to intentionally keep in touch. He then expressed his hope for her to end up somewhere near the city in which he just accepted an engineering position, upon her own upcoming college graduation. 

The girl was in a content season of life. She had endured her share of dead-end relationships and was not in a rush to get intimately acquainted with another. So while she accepted his gesture of friendship, she was weary to believe it was anything beyond exactly that.

They walked out together. He held open the door and she thanked him, just as she would with anyone else.

He offered her a ride to her car and she cheerfully accepted, wishing to avoid the nearly mile walk back to her designated parking lot. He handed her a helmet and told her to "hold on". Despite her fear of motorcycles, she hopped on anyway and enjoyed the ride. Her squeals of excitement could be heard around campus.

As the two approached her car, they got off and entered into some small talk, avoiding every reason to say goodbye. Eventually, the heat of the sun caught up to them and forced their paths to part. The man confronted the moment for exactly what it was: Odd. It felt completely unnecessary to say goodbye when every part of one's being wanted the opposite.

As she began fumbling through her bag for her keys, he gently pulled her into his embrace, rested his chin on her head, and hugged her tight. The moment lingered into longer, until they let go and with a glance that said what neither one could, they continued their days separately.

Curiosity became the elephant in each situation throughout the concluding day until it was nearly nightfall. The two decided their time together for the day could possibly continue if they decided on plans for the evening. Ideas were thrown around until it began getting late and sleep entered each of their sleepy minds.

Though, it felt like one of those nights that shouldn't be wasted. So, hammocking (I've made this term into a verb) in a local park was the perfect pick. They settled on a time to meet and she called for directions too many times.

As they caught up again, they hung each of their hammocks in nearby trees and nestled into them. The breeze was chilling as they cuddled into their blankets. They spent the night a few trees away from each other, entering into quiet debates about what it means to have Faith, God's divine intervention, how much we really won't know on this side of eternity. They also slipped in random questions to get to know each other better: family, divorce, hardships, siblings, favorites, hobbies, anything to keep from shutting their eyes.

Finally, as the moon solely lit the sky, the stars danced into patterns, and the time drifted slowly into wee hours of the morning, they silently fell asleep. They avoided "goodnight" just as they avoided "goodbye" earlier in the day. It felt as though saying that one word were too official, as though no words after that were able to be spoken. So, the lines were left open and a few short comments popped up before sunrise but for the most part they just silently slept, comforted by the company they knew was near and the blossoming connection they were anxious to see through.

As the sun rose, they packed up and parted ways once again. The tight hug, the acknowledgement of a forced goodbye, it all replayed so familiarly.

In life, we have to say goodbyes. I am sure many times we won't want to, we will want the exact opposite but we will anyways. All good things come to an end, some sooner than later, and because of that truth we are afraid to have great moments, at all. Treasures, however, are memories that stay with us forever. We don't part ways with fond memories of little moments, we treasure them.

The moral of the story is, life is full of treasures-- We just have to recognize them as such.

Let them pleasantly surprise us as we embrace them, not go running scared.

Imperfect

Right before I start writing a new blog entry I usually have some idea as to what it will be about and try to loop it into saying something I believe to be true about life, love, or Faith. I always think that in order to establish credibility, I'll need to incorporate a bible verse or two, the basics. The more I write or ponder whatever topic I'm aiming for, the more it usually changes direction and doesn't look at all like I'd initially anticipated. I usually come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what exactly it says because it was written by a determined soul seeking Jesus, typed with hands desiring to serve Him well, and ultimately brainstormed by a woman caught between an ugly world and a perfect God. So, it's okay for words to be thrown along this page, imperfectly because I am imperfect but He is good & uses me despite myself.

Oh, to let what matters, matter and to let what doesn't fade away.

Speaking Up

I'll be the first to admit I don't have my entire life figured out.

I'll also say that everyone who said you have to by the end of college, is incredibly wrong.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is let go of all the expectations of where you should be in a particular season of your life and just enjoy it, no matter what. Let go of the limitations society places on you. Don't be confined by other people's dreams for your life.

The most beautiful feelings come from discovering life lessons on your own.

Recently, I've learned to say what I mean and appreciate when others do the same:
The other day I was in a pencil skirt (typical office attire), had taken my shoes off, hair falling into my face as I strained to stand on my tippy-toes to dig through a filing cabinet at work, intensely searching for something when a friend walks into my office and simply says, "You look so pretty right now" before I had a chance to even notice his presence. We both laughed and quietly thought, saying what you are truly thinking should be that easy. I loved how he came in and quickly squashed the potential tension of unspoken words by simply, saying them. Plus, his statement put a smile on my face. The simplicity of the whole situation makes me laugh again just thinking about it.

Society tells us all day to protect ourselves, to keep secrets, to do all these silly things that have us digressing in relationships and afraid to be vulnerable. I disagree.

Yes, you should have a filter and not carry on with Godless chatter for no reason but there is beauty in communication-- expressing yourself, knowing someone understands how you feel, and giving others the freedom to do the same. There is a sweetness in being vulnerable with people who share your values, with people you want to be walking closely with. There is joy in having a community while on this journey of Faith, people to confide in.

I vividly remember something I first heard in 2010: Speak only what love requires.

& I've come to the realization that love involves speaking kind words of encouragement, reciprocating story-telling that will leave you occasionally vulnerable & it's risky...

...but every great thing takes risk.

So, while I'm admitting to not having my life entirely figured out, I also don't feel like I have to. We have this awesome ability to speak and when it is used to build others up, make them smile, tell them they look pretty, to grow in healthy vulnerability, it is worth the risk.

All of a sudden, the little moments that accumulate into a lifetime, seem overwhelmingly happy, even standing at the end of my college career with no solid idea for what comes next. I know there will be many lessons, risks, and ultimately, lots of unknown territory ahead. I look forward to enjoying whatever comes, at whatever time, in whatever fashion because my expectations are fleeting and my contentment is growing and I trust He will be Faithful, no matter what, even if it comes in the form of a small compliment from a sweet co-worker in an ordinary office-- He speaks joy into motion.

He speaks.