Tonight, my mission team called for a meeting. We sat surrounded by those I already care so much for and prayed together about the support raising process, the people we've gotten to catch up with, our fears, the people we will get to interact with this summer. Ultimately, we prayed for all the ways God is going to prepare and unite our hearts before we go & while we are there.
I peered out over our circle of desperate servants in the midst of prayer and my heart was so joyful. I am right where I am supposed to be in life. I am encouraged by this fellowship, this community, and the ways we are able to just hit our knees, bow our heads and simply, pray. Many people risk their lives for what we are so freely able to do. I found a moment of peace, like it was out of my hands & it was good. It is good. He has a plan & I am so thankful.
Truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for,
it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.
For where two or three gather in my name,
there am I with them.
Matthew 18:19-20
I love how quickly strangers bond over a common goal, ordinary people striving to know & make known an extraordinary God. It's so so beautiful. I am so excited and though I don't always know how God will manage to work it all out I trust that He will & He blessed to see how sweet He has made the process of preparation.
I'm one of those people that jumps at the chance to be honest about things & in turn, expects honesty back. The truth I've learned is that honesty can either be offered or pried out and sometimes neither is good. It never feels nice to hear hurtful truths, yet, we command they present themselves anyway. We do it to ourselves and then we feel sad about it.
I feel sad about two very different scenarios that played out unlike I expected, in two completely different frames of life. One willingly hurt, the other pried, sad all the same.
1. Two years ago. Long story short: I was on a 'break' from a 2 year relationship to go off to serve at a Christian Adventure Camp. I felt the need to rid myself of any distractions at home to just go out to camp and give everything I had, with a focus solely on the Lord and it was so good. I think, looking back, I knew my relationship at home was over and that God had a much bigger story for my life but I, in rebellion, sin, and undeniably strung up in lustful desires, didn't leave it right away, hints 'break'.
That summer changed my life forever-- more than forever, eternally.
Soon, despite my best intentions to rid myself of boys, I found myself longing to spend more time with one guy at camp in-particular. He was an amazing man of God that was unlike anyone I had ever met before this point. I struggled with rushing into things because I knew at some point I'd have to return home and deal with the guy I'd left there, though I was honest with him about meeting someone else, I knew a conclusion was necessary after an investment of 2 years. On the other hand, I didn't want to miss out on what God had right in front of me there at camp. So, we took advantage of the time we had at camp together, we would venture out to lay under the big, starry sky & spill our hearts out to each other every night. Soon everyone at camp considered us an 'item' but there continued to be this elephant in the room of why I was truly serving at camp & what I'd have to return home to, so I remained technically unspoken for, a single status still remained even when it felt like an understatement. But gosh, I liked this guy. I didn't feel caught in the camp mode or that the high of being completely cut off from the outside world, having absolutely no worries was getting the best of us. I know everything that happened there was real, it was just amplified in a way only two people in this whole world will ever understand, on the terms in which God created people to dive into the soul of another, through Him, through nature, through serving Him and making Him the center of all.
Soon, the summer at camp was coming to a close and the fear of going home and leaving what had been our safe haven for the past few months seemed really weary. We decided that God had a plan and it would prevail, which I still believe. We left without a title but with our hearts full of much, much more.
Let me say right here that I will never be the same because of this encounter, because of the ways God shook up my world that summer and changed absolutely everything I thought I wanted in life. I left camp, left my current university, left my support system of family I was blessed to have living nearby & dove straight back into the relationship I had temporarily stepped away from. I wasn't ready to let go of what was comfortable for me yet, with everything else changing in my life I needed one constant & instead of realizing it was God, I clung to this relationship. Oddly, I don't regret it. I only regret hurting the person I cared for more intimately than anyone else physically at camp. I never intended to fall for anyone, I never intended on making decisions that seemed so long-term, so young. I felt overwhelmed.
Eventually I got out of that home relationship and now I can see, understand, and appreciate why I went back there. I needed closure too. God had used these two separate men in my life to show me what love was, to show me that my identity wasn't determined by a relationship established by either of them and that His plan would always prevail despite my own intentions.
I learned more than I can share on this side of eternity because we don't have the words, our language limits us from expressing life-changing events. I'm glad things worked out the way they did because I wasn't the right person then, I was being molded & it wasn't the right time, a million setbacks all led me where I am now. & now, I'm better & the timing is more ideal & I'm filled to the brim of the hope of love because I've had it within my grasp before and I have a hope for eternity, & the people I've met along the way have been incredibly encouraging in that & I know nothing is in vain.
Yes, there was lots of pain from me & for me along the way but even writing this, I've even forgotten it. The purpose of writing this post was changed as I even thought over memories of the past. I won't even share #2 today. Know that pain is temporary, everything wonderful behind those hard lessons are what will be your driving force in the end & it's worth it.
Ultimately, I'm sad that when we make ourselves vulnerable to people they take advantage of us, they hurt us, even if it's pain we've ask them to inflict by simply being honest, but so glad that God promises the best is yet to come.
For the word of God is living and powerful! It is sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the diving of soul and spirit, and the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intensions of the heart.
These are my scattered notes from Breakaway:
Check out the podcast 'Attraction' here
"A relationship we invested deeply in & emotionally, & that we ruined by expediting physically."
There's more for you when someone actually loves you.
to marry one another & explore each other intimately, feeling safe.
this is my best stuff & I'm giving it you
I don't want someone to satisfy my temporary desire for physicality or financial support, I want someone to build with me emotionally, supportive,
who are the richest, hottest people in the world? how are their marriages working out? it's not sufficient to just be hot.
does he do right by them? will he do right by you? does he try to get you to compromise?
...He doesn't fear God. As a single man if he's blowing off the word of God what makes you think that when he is married he will take seriously, at all, the command to love you like Christ loves the church?
Proverbs 22 does he give? does he pray?
his name is fragrant, your name is your reputation, your character-who you are, people respond to it- drawing towards or repelling?
I have all these desires in your heart, will God bring me someone to love?
"God made the equipment we play the game with" haha
the song of solomon: longing, wanting to be someone
what should draw to godly people toward each other? --your character
"If you wanna be her lover, you gotta get with her friends" hahahahha.
Is he kind to people who won't help him ascend a social ladder?
those who weep the most are the brokenhearted- infatuation
do you love this person rightfully? is he an appropriate person to set your affections on?
"My own vineyard I have not kept" --her body
As a woman, be confident in who you are. Is she rude? Is she cruel? She is hardworking, generous, humble, caring--righteous, she has morals, that's where she starts.
"Let him draw me away" -express your feelings but don't chase him!
You're ready to date when you are not willing to negotiate your standards.
do the roommate check!
proverbs 3
kindess.
When you have to go out, beyond sex, do you have anything to talk about? Do you make each other laugh? Do you enjoy each others company?
He compliments her from the neck up.
She's gentle.
Difference between making love and making porn, a focus more on instant arousal and loss of the social skills of romance.
Spoken to kindly, handled gently, the most precious thing a woman can have is her own fragrance-her character. Tender, gracious, loving.
Kindness is desirable in a man.
Spiritually, they have character. Emotionally, they have kindness. Physically, attraction follows.
controlling thoughts & flesh.
Go slowly.
What we have is so beautiful, wait for it--Don't force it, don't pressure it. Marrying the wrong guy is infinitely worse. Wait for God to give you a mate like this. Don't manipulate love. Don't expedite love, you're not ready for marriage or physicality now. Speak tenderly to one another, SPEAK, don't love with your body.
Save it.
Move into a place of safety, covenant, stability & then move into a place of intimacy.
I have often times imagined what the mission to Asia may look like.
At first I think I imagined doing something really bold and saw us standing in the middle of the street singing songs of Christ as other flocked to us, wanting to join in and hear about where our joy came from, ultimately the Truth of the Gospel.
Now, as I read through a book called Radical by David Platt, my imagery has changed completely and it is humbling and good and real.
He lingers on a question that has pulled at my heart strings lately, If all of the comforts, music, fancy lighting, air conditioning, everything we know to be 'normal' in our church settings were stripped away, would the word of God still be enough for people to come?
Go out and buy this book now, it has much insight of what it means to take back your faith from the American Dream.
Remember when you were a kid and your parents would spray detangling spray on your hair before they brushed it out? Maybe it was because I was a girl, growing up with all sisters and it smelled fruity and made the process slightly less painful. You probably know what I'm talking about...I hope.
Well, growing up I had an extremely tender head of long locks. I would seriously cry when my mom would brush it. I would tell her to be gentle as I tried to hold back the tears.
Growing up & moving off to college made me seek out little ways I could bring pieces of home along with me and detangling spray made the list. Now, usually it hides under my bathroom cabinet feeling neglected as I often pick around it to pull forth various other products. But tonight, I took a trip down memory lane and used it. I also washed my hair in my bath water. I remember being young, laying among the bubbles filling my hot tub as I attempted to make myself flatly unrecognizable within it. I would only leave my lips and nostrils above the foamy wet film, all airways clear so that I could stay submerged. Then I would just daydream, run off to some peaceful place that childhood brought me. I'd pretend I was a mermaid, run my finger through my hair- I loved the way it felt so flawless under water, I still do. Tonight I did it all, only a slightly condensed version seeing as I grew much taller than is comfortable to squeeze laying flat in a bathtub anymore. Then I jumped out, found that cute, animated little whale detangling spray and spritzed away, then I brushed it out without crying.
I like to think I'm stronger than I used to be back then.
The truth is I'm not. I am exactly the polar opposite of whatever strong means to me then or now. I am broken and awful and blemished and God would spit my lukewarm trust out of His mouth in disgust.
"So, because you are lukewarm- neither hot nor cold- I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked."
Revelation 3: 16-17
I have had several instances in this single day that have just torn me up in really odd and extreme ways.
In a previous blog I have mentioned my prayer challenge- to turn to God before all else, to keep His way in my holster, always handy & mostly not to cease in prayer. I have been praying more than I have ever prayed in my life. I can see strides in only a few days. I find myself praying about an abundance of different topics but there are some that found their way to my doorstep today that I have yet to deal with.
#1. My work is in vain. I have the absolute pleasure of getting to tutor/mentor many children in various subjects at 2 local elementary schools and get paid for this. It's been such a preparation for parenthood for me. I have learned patience, creativity and most of all not to take myself too seriously. Sometimes the best parts of my day are spent with those sweet kiddos. Children are such a rich blessing in this life, we take their unique quirks for granted. I am often floored by the ways they can make us laugh, teach us lessons & sometimes...break our hearts.
Today, I walked into a usual classroom that I really look forward to aiding and as the fight to get chosen to venture out of the classroom onto the awesome bridge hovering the library with "Ms. Danielle" calmed, I was sent with a student with a special need for attention. I feel challenged when his name is called, I know I must put aside whatever is going on in my life to completely make him my focus (shouldn't this always be the case?). Somehow no matter how the encounter begins, I always get him to come around, (making everything into a fun learning game helps, haha). Anyway, I've worked with this student the entire scholastic year and I have seen much progress and some digression based on his attitude or willingness to cooperate on that particular day so he is very near to my heart when I think of children I've had the opportunity to get close with.
As I dropped him back in his classroom, much peppier than when he was retrieved, his teacher asked how our session had gone & then turned her back to class and politely whispered to me that he was most likely going to be retained anyway so if he wasn't catching on it may not matter. I was completely shocked and devastated to get this news so non-chalauntly. Not only did I feel as though my efforts deserved more acknowledgment than retention but also that this kid deserved to be applauded for his hard work, joy and ability to catch on (even if at a slower pace).
My heart is just aching for this young boy as I walk into scenario #2. I am shamelessly cruel. While this is a little complicated to try and briefly explain, I work in an after school program sponsored by Texas A&M University. I do not work for this after school program directly but I get to go in there, correspond with several really awesome people that do, we just all have our specialties and I am so thankful for the way they so perfectly fit together. The people running the show are all about college aged or closely elder so it is basically just an excuse to run around, laugh and act like children together, it's pretty great. Again, I really love my job.
So, to make a long story short, a really great guy that happens to work there with me asked for my number and I basically told him no, which I felt so completely awful about. I really had absolutely no reason to say no, I'm not dating anyone exclusively, I'm not anything but available and up for a fun time of getting to know each other and seeing where we end up, still, I say no in the nicest way that I can possibly think of to say no. Even writing this is making me cringe. I say no for NO REASON!!! This guy is so funny and easy-going, at least I said no to the number this time, usually I'll give it to interested guys that I know have no chance & just ignore numerous texts or attempts to take me out or get to know me. I'm awful, aren't I? I don't think I lead people on purposely but I know as a woman, I like attention. It's so dumb! I wish I wasn't so selfish and self-seeking and shamelessly cruel. This is honestly embarrassing to even admit. I'm so sorry. Know that if anyone does this to you it's them behaving immaturely because of their own insecurities, it's not you. I hope this is at least relatable and not me setting myself up for public back-lash... It is never my intension to hurt anyone, which is maybe why I wanted to cut this one so short but it seriously ruined my day having to do it.
I hate that society demands men to be all of these cheesy things, asks them to go out on a limb for ladies, to be chivalrous, tells them that good guys finish last and even after all of it, we turn them down & have no reason to justify it. Guys, it's not in vain, I promise. I don't know why girls are cruel because I'm one of them, regretfully.
I leave feeling a strong urge to cry and a strong urge to take a nice long bubble bath and let it go. You already know which I chose, the 'strong' route because I'm 'strong', remember? .... Somehow I made it home, I don't remember the absentminded drive at all.
I put off the bath until after my Aggie Sisters for Christ meeting, Monday night ritual. & man it was good, we sat on the floor in silence, surrounded by beautiful, struggling, vulnerable, supportive women who long to love & seek the Lord with a passion I also strive toward. It's comforting having a common goal, it's not so scary to be broken, to be a sinner. We prayed alone and we prayed aloud. Those girls and that organization is good for my soul. I am encouraged and held accountable in the gentlest ways, it's good.
Lastly, after the meeting on the journey home I find out my dear friend has another family member conquered by death, this is seriously like, the third of her relatives to die in a very short expanse of time. It's been a struggle of my own to see her struggle. 3. I am helpless. I very seldom have the words she needs or the comfort she is seeking to find. Maybe I am just trying to do what God Himself wants to do for her but I despise feeling so worthless. I'm not good at tragedy. I'm weak, I'm fearful, I'm ignorant of the pain of losing someone in my immediate family thank goodness. But it's unfair, it's so unfair for her and to be on the other side of it.
And so, I find my faith lukewarm in surrendering to God's plan, but more than that, trusting that He will come through for me, even when it's in a '$5400's in a month' big- Another blog for another day. But through all my lack of perfection, in all my sin, all my temptation, all my awful, self-seeking, wretchedness, I am aware.
"I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see."
Revelation 3: 18
This is the first step toward the light, isn't it? I know what it means to be refined, to put on the labels of Christianity but I don't want it. I want to be pure and true and honest even when it's hard to admit, I want to be vulnerable to see what's wrong and do something about it. I'm taking action by allowing God to truly win in my life.
"Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent."
Revelation 3: 19
This is the prayer I wrote in ASC earlier tonight, this is the prayer my soul is screaming from the deepest depths of my being to be true. This is my attempt to pray through the hardest trials, staying true to my own challenge.
Lord,
My heart is heavy tonight for reasons that overwhelm me. I know your goodness & I'm struggling to trust it. I cry tears of desperation, brokenness, emptiness- all the world has to offer me. I cry out to you because you are The Living Hope, you promise me an eternity free of the pain & loneliness I find here. I want to find newness in your mercies, power in your Truth and boldness in your example. I thank you, Jesus, for what your life, your death, and your resurrection means for us. I'm thankful for your example of perseverance through trials and temptation. I pray for strength as I face my own. I can't do it alone and I'm so tired of trying. God, please fill me, pave my path, take my heart and give it a passion for seeking you that catches fire and spreads- never ceasing. Don't let this world steal my joy, God. You are the Savior of the world and I am broken, but through you, I am made full. I am loved, I am. I desire for my life to be fueled by your word and evidence of you, not needing my words to back them up- may they not be MY words at all, may it all come from you. I want a faith without doubt, Father. I want to be consumed by a flawless, Heavenly love. I want you whole-heartedly, without hesitance or fear, without turning to you in sorrow or wonder. Rid me of selfishness, jealousy, pride. Make yourself big but be gentle with me, Lord.
It's not spray that can detangle this mess of a life, this mess of a sinner, it's the most beautiful, forgiving, merciful Savior, Jesus Christ. That's it.
I feel awful that of all the injustice in the world sometimes we focus on the simple, silly ones that directly effect us. While there are thousands of women being sold as sex slaves by their own families, or young boys being forced to kill in wars they know nothing about. While there are people in villages that don't know what it's like to have clean water or a consistent meal. While some innocent children don't know what a safe, comfortable shelter is tonight. Still, we worry about who is texting who, if she is really 'just a friend', why this person doesn't like us. We compare ourselves, as women, to other women. It's an injustice in itself, our ignorance, our selfishness, our vanity.
It makes me sick.
I have been convicted of the things my mind aimlessly wanders to before it turns to God. What do I wake up thinking about? Who do I make a priority in my day? Why?
I have challenged myself to turn every thought that is either negatively destructive or about a guy (ANY guy) into a prayer. This sounds a little crazy but it has truly held me accountable for my thoughts.
He is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.
James 1:8
I'm sure you can imagine the abundance of moments I've needed to hit those knees & I do.
There is power in prayer, freedom in being honest with yourself about your intentions, priorities, motives. There is clarity in seeking the Lord through trouble.
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and He brought them to their desired haven.
Psalm 107: 28-30
Mostly, I don't want the result of my Godless chatter (gossip, even if it isn't spoken) or my lustful, wishful thinking about relationships or men to be an injustice to my Savior. He is worth so much more & until I make Him the biggest priority of all, I am also doing an injustice to myself.
What you have is what you'll give, Dani.
What do you want to give?
Now, what do you need to do to obtain that?
What is your 'desired haven'?
God, you are all I want. I want to find everything through you or not at all.
Take some time to evaluate yourself. Shed light on things of distraction or that you allow yourself to spend lots of time thinking of & pray instead.
I wanted to write of having to risk everything to gain anything.
You have to risk being rejected or hurt to discover the most intimate love.
You have to risk looking foolish, risk facing persecution to stand firm in what you believe in.
There is nothing to gain without first risking something seemingly valuable.
Currently I am risking comfort and ease in life to pray that God will provide in radical ways.
Radical is becoming a theme in this journey & it is not a coincidence.
The more I try to surrender to the plans God has laid out for me, for my mission team and for His glory in Asia in just a few short months, the more I realize just how much I need.
Encouragement
Love
Gentleness
Passion
A Seeking, Humiliated Heart
Guidance
Clarity
Financial Partners
Prayer Warriors
Patience
Hope
Courage
TRUTH
Trust
Acceptance
Vision
Support
Boldness
Ability
Surrender of Worries
Wisdom
.....
I could seriously go on and on.
I pray that I will be willing to risk absolutely everything in His name and that He will see it through.
The risk is always better than the familiar. I know risk is never in vain. Nothing is in vain, ever.
My worries have no eternal value, the souls of people I will meet, do.
We have been challenged to record prayers and how God answers them for encouragement.
Can I please just say that there have been so many I can remember right off the bat that I haven't even written many of them down?
Mission trip:
Started praying the summer after I served at Camp Eagle in 2010.
Got my hopes up when an opportunity to go spread God's Truth in orphanages in Peru came along but quickly fell through. I found peace with it fairly quickly, it wasn't meant to be and I don't know why. I don't think we will always get all the answers on this side of eternity but it's better that way.
This is when God starts answering, in better timing than I could have expected.
Asia summer project falls into my lap (as I've explained in an earlier post) -Answered!
Then I need $200 for deposit to even start this process. I make my mission letters ahead of the game and send only one out at this point, I get a check to my mission account the day it is due in a result of one letter and MANY MANY PRAYERS. -Answered!
Now as I sit looking at the blinking 'amount owed' section of my mission status page, it's a little overwhelming. In the same area of vision, I also see the stack of neatly written addressed envelopes to people I am praying will commit to being ministry partners with me. They ship out tomorrow. My prayer is also that I will learn along with those praying with me just how vital prayer is. I am so blessed in the ways God has already been listening and am joyfully patient as I know He will not stop now. He will see this through.
I read earlier that one of God's primary transformation tools is the refining process. In relationships He brings into light our selfishness, our insecurity, our pride. It is so crucial that we are in community with others to ensure that we get to know ourselves. It's true, isn't it?
We get glimpses of ourselves through our interactions with others.
You are refined by loving others because He loves you.
This is why I believe that some of the sweetest time you can spend with a man -as a woman- is in the process of being pursued. This should be a really precious time of sharing stories, getting to know each other, taking things slowly. Be gentle on yourself, don't rush it, you'll never get this time back. You'll gain so much confidence in who you are independently and co-dependently if you allow the Lord to guide this season. Be running toward the light of the world, look next to you & you'll find someone doing the same, pick him.
Get your priorities straight. Don't allow anything above the Savior of the world, the Savior of your soul.
Then set boundaries and don't you dare compromise them.
Show your love by using your words, not your body.
...take every thought captive & make it obedient to Christ.
2 Corinthians 10: 5
Be honest in your intensions and in what you are looking for. Make your foundation clear with your life and the standard you hold yourself up to. Courting should be very intensional.
Clarity between people pursuing relationships allows you to focus more on the Lord instead of the fog in which you are treading in being unsure. Determine the relationship, yes, it's scary but it's completely necessary & a little reassurance never hurt anyone.
How is this relationship glorifying the Lord? If it isn't, it's not worth it. Don't consume yourself in something that is toxic to your good Christian character or something that gives you doubts or sinfully tempts you. Hold yourself accountable and let another person of the same gender do the same.
Community, accountability, boundaries.
If you have encouragement from being united with Christ,
if any comfort from His love,
if any fellowship with the Spirit,
if any tenderness and compassion,
then make my joy complete by being like-minded,
having the same love,
being one in Spirit and purpose.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,
but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Each of you should look not only to your own interests,
but also to the interests of others.
Philippians 2: 1-4
Then be on the same page.
And once you're there?
Make it a ceremonious occasion that leaves some eternal impression on all parties involved.
On the long drive home today I had plenty of time to reflect on where my life is at this precise moment and exactly how far I have come from times I thought I would never overcome.
I can remember vivid details from very few encounters I have with people. I was almost saddened today as I tried to recall memories that had long faded and my lack of success.
Phillip & I dated after I had secretly liked him years through middle school and into high school. He dated my friend and she told me details of them kissing behind the church after youth group. I had never kissed a boy. I attended youth group with them and was the epitome of a third wheel. It was a secret that ate me up. They only dated about a month and by then I had convinced myself that it wasn't right to date someone my friend had dated. She moved on really fast, I didn't. He eventually moved away and a year later, I ironically moved to the same place! We kind of rekindled our friendship and eventually it grew into a mutual liking. We started dating and one of the only vivid memories I can think of now is this:
I was at his house as a guest for dinner. We were in his room talking, wishing so badly that we could just be grown up and have some space to ourselves-- everything you wish when you are 15. We had the door shut and I didn't think anything of it. When we walked out his parents confronted us about whether or not we thought having the door closed was very respectable in their house. I was mortified. It had never once crossed my mind the way being alone in his room, behind closed doors may have been perceived. I was a good girl, truly and my intensions were only respectable, yet, I still felt overcome with guilt. I wanted to run out of that house and never look back. I didn't ever want to allow someone to think anything the gaze in their eyes said of me. It was awful, one of the most awkward moments in my life. I learned quickly that I had to be aware of what I was doing and how others would perceive that. I had to look out for my reputation. That is one of the only moments I can recall today. We dated for about 7 months. One vivid memory for 7 months. I'm sure if I asked, he would have a completely different one, for good reasons.
Another one I found myself trying to recall was my most recent boyfriend (now an ex, obviously). I tried to think of only parts when we were dating, none of the on/off business, nothing while I was away for the entire summer or before we were exclusive. I tried hardest to omit the parts we let drag on even after we had called things off, the wounds most fresh. This trial hurt me because I had dated this guy for YEARS & seriously could not think of one moment we had shared. As I thought it through more I could grasp a few but none that instantly came to mind.
The odd thing is I can tell you what I've learned in general, maybe it was the accumulation of many things that were meant to be teachable moments in my life through our relationship.
I can remember the day I told him things were done and how we cried harder than we ever had, tried to push whatever we had based our terms of 'love' on aside and ultimately tried to be honest with ourselves and the limited future I believed us to have. I can remember mopping myself off the floor completely heartbroken, thinking I would never be the same girl after that moment & I'm not. But the lie that seeped in was that I wouldn't ever get over it, never heal, never be made whole without him- that's where I was dead wrong. My life was just beginning, I was just so fearful of the changes I needed to make that I didn't enjoy the beauty of it.
Let me tell you, I needed to learn those lessons to find the beauty in things. I needed to be broken to find the light. I needed to lose what I had to find more. It was a painful process but now, I vaguely remember the pain. Pain isn't a vivid memory for long either. You do heal, you will find the beauty.
Hard times are temporary. We consume ourselves in circumstance until we see absolutely nothing else until one day...we do. I don't know how it happens or why we forget but I know that it's good. I know that we have moments that teach us lifelong lessons for a reason and then they are done. They are memories tainted over time for a purpose I cannot tell you. You will see yourself but in the mean time, hold on.
You will be molded in hard and gentle ways.
You who are young, be happy while you are young,
and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth.
Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see,
but know that for all these things God will bring you into judgement.
So then, banish anxiety from your heart
and cast off the troubles of your body,
for youth and vigor are meaningless.
Ecclesiastes 11: 9-10
Find the beauty and let that be mostvivid of memories in retrospect.
