Blank

I am becoming a clean slate. 

I have been fighting the urge to delete things, messages, old love notes, meaningless memories just to get away from it all. I even deleted drafts that never made the final publishing cut to this blog. I'm realizing that dreams I once had are just empty talk these days.

Truth: I have no idea what I want out of this life anymore. 

I don't want to be a speech pathologist. I don't want to be a communication major or maybe I do. I don't know and I don't have to. I want to have time and options. I don't see a romantic future with anybody I know right now. I don't want to worry about dating or past relationships or pursuing new ones. I don't want to be a girlfriend at this point and I'm not sad about it. (Why must we be sad to be free?) I don't want to be the center of attention or someone you write letters to expecting something back. I don't want my name on your lips or for you to be feeling pity on me because you think I'm hurt: I'm not hurt, I'm not irrational, I'm blank.

I just want to get away and be new. I want to be completely fine with the Lord being enough. I want to grow and be changed and never look back.

Life is SO much more than dating some guy or what's on your to-do list today or if you like your new hair cut or not.

I'm only 20 years old, I don't want to be married!!! Why do I put such importance on dumb things and get ahead of myself in terms of "love"? I don't envy the lives of those that already have a husband or kids at this age. It's not the life I want. I want to go back to Aggieland and enjoy college and join a college ministry and a church that I love that encourages me and go dancing and carve my name in the wall at The Chicken. I have plenty of goals and none of them involve anything I've experienced thus far. I don't want to recognize my life anymore.

I just pray that God will become the center of it and let that be the biggest, most evident change of all.

I want to look back and say this:

Offerings

Sometimes what you think you want isn't what is best for you. Lately I have been ridding myself of things in life and it feels GREAT! Maybe another door doesn't open until you close the one you're focused on. I have been putting too many eggs in one basket and when that basket fell I felt as though I had nothing left. I had given too much of myself that when I lost it, I too, was lost. I guess there comes a point when you just have to realize that if you don't withhold anything in love or life you will not have anything to offer when you find the person that wants you forever. What will I have if I offer it all now?

I'm learning to keep some things to myself. I won't be holding an empty basket anymore at the end of this tunnel.

Low

My dreams are coming true, dreams I didn't even know that I had but I'm missing it. There's no time to slow down, I just need one minute to stop and take a deep breath and then start again.

Today was the worst day. This week was the worst week. I have been studying and trying to study and not studying, keeping my mind busy. I have had multiple finals and no time for anything between studying, testing, playing mommy for two furry babies and work. It's crazy, this balancing act of mine.

First, I turn down the opportunity to have a summer that tops the best and most impactful summer of my life at Camp Eagle, a very near and dear Christian adventure camp I have had the honor of serving at and would have again if it weren't for my need to catch up in school due to transferring to the wonderfully lonely Texas A&M University. Now I sit halfway through college still wondering what I want to do with my life and dreading the next two years of getting there. I feel like all my hard work is being washed down the drain.

Now, after turning down another job opportunity that paid a lot more than I was expecting to make this summer, financial aid is stripping me of all government grants and extending "parent loans" that nobody is in a position to take.

So, I have to improvise. Lord, will I always wind up exactly where I belong despite myself and all of these setbacks?

Lost in Lies

I trust God to do a lot of things. I trust His promise to answer when we seek Him out to ask something of Him. I believe there is power in numbers. I believe in the salvation and eternity He promises to those that accept Christ's death for our sins. I believe He will do immeasurably more than we ever anticipate. And I do trust that he is merciful and forgiving when I am completely unworthy of it.

On the other hand, I find it hard to surrender worry, fear, finances, and relationships. I live a sinful life, every single day, my thoughts are sinful, my doubt is sinful, I try and notice and acknowledge it but do I get it all? Why can't I let it go? Why do I feel the pull of spiritual warfare over me, the devil tugging at my sleeve, trying to turn my heart?

I sometimes fall into the pit of Satan's lies: that if I get out of this spiritually lacking relationship with this guy, nobody will ever love me. If I go to work at a Christian camp I won't have the financial need when I return home. Because I made one decision I am no longer welcome to the place I chose against. It's a never-ending string of controversy. And I believe it! I eat it up! And then it upsets me that I have lost the armor of God that strengthens our mind, our thoughts, our hearts for the battles we must face as Christians. I haven't fought the good fight for Christ, I've been battered and bruised against it.

I have had an ongoing prayer for my life in the past few years for God to bring Godly people into my life.

At the end of the day, what kind of man do I want raising my children?
What kind of woman do I want to befriend, holding me accountable?
What kind of example do I want my life to be setting for anyone that may encounter it?
What will I allow the influences in my life to do for the Kingdom of Christ?
What will I accept as truth?
How will I be content with him alone?

But it needs to start with the last thing on that list: being content with HIM ALONE. I need to drop all guards, stripping away all the lies, the doubts, the fear, the worry, the abandonment, the yearning for love and realize that He is enough. He ALONE is enough. Let Him bring people, promise, hope into light. This is my personal prayer and my prayer for you reading this.

If you are weighed down with any of these things: let it go. Pick up the cross instead of resentment, instead of fear, instead of loneliness. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!



Be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with the prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all the perseverance and supplication for all the saints... Ephesians 6:10-18

Pause the music at bottom to listen to this one.