New Year

I have much to share concerning Christmas break and life as of late.

I will continue this blog, promising to be better at keeping up with it in 2011.

Right now? Surviving a ear infection and looking forward to looking back on this blog on the eve of 2012, remembering all the great parts of the year.

Happy new year, I hope you take the time to make a resolution and make it come true.

Christmas Eves Eve

This Christmas season I hope that I am not much obsessing over the microscopic details of things needing to be done, rather, I hope to enjoy the people, the moments and to cherish the memories we will make this holiday season.

I hope this for you too.

Thank you Jesus for giving us a grand reason to celebrate!

For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. The government will rest upon His shoulders. And He will be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Isaiah 9:6

Dreams of the Night

I have been having terrible dream as of late and it worried me a bit so I decided to try and put them into the context of my life and then see what the biblical foundation of dreams were.

I actually had two nightmares last night.

Reality:

Yesterday was a little rough. My boyfriend is leaving the country for 10 days so we celebrated our Christmas last night because we wouldn't get to be together on the actual day. And while the presents were fun, thoughtful and entertaining, the elephant of leaving was still in the room. I was worried about him flying and going to an unsafe dictated country.

Dream #1:

My boyfriend, Alberto and I headed into HEB to pick up a few items (that I did not actually know of). While we were in the store I decided I was uninterested in walking all the way to back of the store and then wait in the super long lines so we decided to split up and that I would look at girly things close to the front of the store to then wait in the line until he came so that we would be closer to getting out. 

So, I was wrapping up my glance shopping in the hair-care section when I hear a gun shot. I immediately hit the floor and squiggle to the end of the aisle in an attempt to locate the gunman. I immediately spot him heading my way so I climb on the bottom, which happened to have sleeping bags on it. Hair care and sleeping bags? I hurriedly unzipped one that was laid out as an example and pushed myself into it. A few other people tried to do the same. We all pretended to be asleep. Why would people be asleep in a grocery store? The gunman headed around the corner onto the sleepy aisle. I had my eyes closed but I remember the feeling and vision I had of that gun pointing right at me as though my eyes had been wide open. He points the gun at me for about three solid seconds before he get startled at the sight of my sleeping face, says something I do not understand and then walks away. 

I realize as he walks away and from having the eyes wide open image rather than the quiet of my sleeping mind, the gunman is my boyfriend's father.

Reality:

Alberto's father is an EXTREMELY nice man. He says hello to me and jokes with his kids. He seems to be a great provider and strength for his family. He is a student, a Christian and lives nowhere near the HEB I imagined us to be in within the duration of this dream. 

Dream #1 cont'd: 

He walks away and I am suddenly thankful and believe that I am close enough to the door that I could make a run for it when he was far enough away. Because even though I had known this person, he aimed a gun at me. He had shot someone already and seemed to be on a mission. Doesn't he worry that since I am in here his own son is as well?  I am confused and frightened. 

I lay there a while longer until I hear a gunshot on the far left side of the store toward the back. I would be out of sight if I ran to the opposite front exit. I decided to do it. I squirmed out of my sleeping bag and sprinted as fast as I could toward the exit. Why didn't I care for those next to me? Why didn't I invite them? Was I in shock? Or am I being selfish? I make it almost all the way to the door when I realize I left my satchel (Indiana Jones has one) lying next to my previously occupied sleeping bag. I turn back thinking I could call Alberto to tell him to run for it as well, hoping he was close enough to the other side of the store to head safely to that exit. I need the phone in my purse, my reason for heading back.

I grad the purse and still have enough belief that the gunman has not yet moved that I don't hesitate at all to run back toward that exit. I hit the door and I felt that cold rush hit my skin. I did not feel better. I began going through scenarios of where Alberto was and if he was safe. Had he hidden or was he confronted? I decided against calling because if he was hidden his ringing phone may give him up. I felt completely helpless. 

Suddenly I wondered why nobody exited with me. I felt alone and worried that I was alone. I immediately had the thought there is another gunman outside guarding the exit. 

 I spotted him.

Then I woke up.

End of dream. 

The Bible speaks of dreams in Isaiah 29:8 when it says, "A hungry person dreams of eating but wakes up still hungry. A thirsty person dreams of drinking but is still faint from thirst when morning comes. So it will be with your enemies, with those who attack Mount Zion." You may dream of eating or drinking, but when you awake you are still empty. It may have appeared real, but it was not.

something else to consider here is that dreams are not necessarily supposed to mean anything.

Consider Ecclesiastes 5:7

"For in the multitude of dreams and many words there are also divers vanities: but fear thou God."

This verse tells us that a multitude of dreams can be worth absolutely nothing. We are not to trust in them, however real they seem; we are rather to fear God.

Nannying Independence

Today was basically my first day at work. I am going to be a nanny, which is actually surprisingly harder than my last job of a home healthcare provider for a medically dependent child. This job requires entertaining a baby for 9 hours a day, several days a week. So, yes, today was the first day in which I was evaluated while Reagan (baby)'s momma was there to help me before I was left completely on my own. It was exhausting for a short duration of only 2 and a half hours, I'll definitely be praying for daily nap time when I officially begin. How do you get past the period of feelings of abandonment and screaming to the child actually productively napping during this portion of the day?

There was a point in time when I began getting restless and wished word would arise that I could be relieved for the day. I realized quickly as that thought had enough time to fade away that I'd have to surrender my own needs to care for the helpless needs of this little one. Occasionally, when I refused to let Reagan rip out and chew on each pop-out in the various pop-up books that I resorted to after hours passed, she would whine. The poor baby was teething, I myself resembled the winced face as my wisdom teeth were appearing these past few weeks. She denied the binky, apparently she has never been one to quietly suck on something that was actually made to ease or distract from the pain of growing teeth.

Have I mentioned that Reagan is also nearing the age of independence? She is in the wobbly stage between being a lugged around vegetable and the stage of stomp by stomp hoping not to trip and bang head on coffee table. It's a slightly frightening stage that requires every second of your attention. I held her under each of her little baby-chub arms and scooted around to try and allow her to practice walking. It was a challenge to maneuver her around the two dogs: one, a great dane, who is a obstacle without even trying and the second a medium sized fluff ball named Lucy that is overwhelmingly jealous of all the attention Reagan is receiving that she sits up on her two hind feet to try and steal the spotlight. It was funny to have someone to entertain me rather than vice versa but I was also obligated to show some affection and excitement for such an extraordinary trick. Lucy held this pose for over 3 minutes! It was amazing!

I also experienced the process of feeding Reagan today. The first step was to strip her of all clothes except diaper and bib to try to pry a baby spoon into her barely opened mouth at a fast enough pace that keeps her from getting fussy. I'm not gonna lie, I don't care how little I scraped onto that spoon, this girl was covered in prunes!

Several times throughout the day I realized what an idiot I sounded like talking in this voice people only use toward children. I was saying things like, "Don't eat your book, silly willy." And once, when Katy, Reagan's momma attempted to sneak through the room being unnoticed yet failing misrably, Reagan mumbles "mmmommma" as I thought silently to myself Oh Lord, please don't let that be the first time she talked feeling guilty of stealing such a precious moment.

Overall, this was a productive day and I am thankful that this cute little Gerber baby accepts me. I was happy to learn that babies start to remember people when they are around 9 months old and she is nearing the age. I hope we can share fun memories and that I can have an impact (even if small) on this lovely family.

I must also admit that today was a learning experience, one I'm sure will continue to be such. I began to see the the beauty in a dependence and in the rebellion to have independence, it's a great example of the stages in life. Reagan is a baby, she must depend on me or a caregiver to provide her with the essentials. She must depend on us to look out for her well being and best intention. We must praise her when she does good yet, also attend to mischief.

Much like God shows patience and mercy and understanding and love to each of His people, I must learn to show the same to Reagan, this sweet helpless, learning child. I must set a good example so that she may be molded into a product of something striving toward God's way rather than rebelling against it.

In some instances dependence wins over independence. I hope I can be a exemplary leader toward being independent from the choices of others yet, dependent upon the Lord and the goodness of His guidelines for our lives. Maybe this will be a lesson we strive to learn together.

Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.
Mark 14:38


"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
John 16:33

A Prayer of Hope

I am praying a prayer I hope you will pray with me:

Heavenly Father, 


Give us the strength as we pursue new things each day. Carry us when we are at our weakest, like you promise you will. Lord, take our hands and guide us when we feel blind or reckless and abandoned. 


You alone are worthy of all of our praise, help us praise you in the depths you deserve. 


Lord, as I take on this new chapter in life I want you to be my first priority. Please forgive me for all the ways I fail you daily and teach me to obey your commands. Teach me to live in love. Please look after me when I am in need. And I will speak of you all of my days.


I pray that people around the world will remember the true meaning of Christmas this year and always. I hope they will instill in their children, in their families, in their communities a heart of service around this special time and that it carries over to the rest of the new year. Put on our hearts the resolutions for 2011 that you need us to have in order to live more full lives.


Thank you Lord, for who you are and all that you've given us to be thankful for.


I love you and I thank you for loving me.
Amen.


Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given when Jesus Christ is revealed.
1 Peter 1:13


But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not feel faint.
Isaiah 40:31


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

Untraditional Addition

Today in church (Real life Fellowship), which may be the most encouraging multi-site church with the most compassionate and outreaching vision that I have ever attended, we spoke of Christmas. This is going to be my last Sunday living in Corpus, which also means it will be my last session physically at this location of this tremendous fellowship. I've loved it and I hope to find something I love just as much in College Station.

Pastor Micah Davidson spoke of the first Christmas, and I, having played Mary in a live nativity scene had placed myself immediately in her shoes. He provided biblical reference to Luke 2:1-14 discovering that the situation we imagine each year may not be so.

With verse 1 came difficulty. Jesus was brought into a place that was difficult. The Roman Emperor, believing himself to be of a divine power, plotted out an idea to begin taxing the Romans.

Verses 3-4 brought risk. Due to the new taxation, the Roman people were demanded to return to their place of birth to be counted and registered to be taxed. Joseph and Mary were forced to travel over 80 miles to go from their current place in the town of Nazareth into the village of Joseph's ancestor David, which was Bethlehem. This trip may have taken Joseph 4 days alone but he was accompanied by Mary who was 9 months pregnant and could go into labor at any time, which is the reason this trip is especially risky.

Mary and Joseph were misunderstood, represented in verse 5. Joseph who had initially not believed that Mary was a virgin when being informed of her pregnancy had wanted to break off his pledge with her (engagement). Joseph was visited by an Angel, immediately turning him into a believer of Mary's courageous story. Although angels visited Mary and Joseph, the earthly parents of the world's Savior, no one else received angelic company, causing them to be ridiculed and made out to be fools and liars.

This trip and the search of a shelter to birth Jesus was stressful, lonely and dark. They were told multiple times along their journey that there was no room for them, which forced them into a barn.

Imagine the smells, lack of medical stability and support of doctors, nurses, anyone but a scared, shocked, overwhelmed Joseph. And then the overwhelming peace as Jesus, the Son of God is born into the world to live as a man before he dies to rise again and save the world.


Why was our Savior born in the darkest part of the year? 
Genuinely, I would like to know the answer to the question.

We wrapped up the comparisons of common beliefs of nativity scene stories and the reality of the journey Mary, Joseph and the birth of Jesus was in actuality by relating ourselves to one of two categories.

Category #1: I need good news. (v. 10-14)
JOY, HOPE, PEACE
The Angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; He is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger." Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
"Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace to men on whom His favor rests."
Luke 2:10-14


Or category #2: I have good news to share, which is the category I placed myself in.
When they had seen Him, they spread the word concerning what had been told to them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them.
Luke 2:17-18

Then we left with a final challenge on our hearts and minds:

What could you build into your family tradition to make a difference this year?

How will you share good news?

Lessons Leading to Goodbye

It is coming down to crunch time. I have two days at school and three finals left in this going-nowhere-fast Texas town. As excited as I am to get out of here and start a complete new journey elsewhere, I am a little sad and nervous to go.

I came to college gladly knowing nobody here wanting this experience to be anything but high school all over again, yet, still comforted by the fan club of supporters grandparents vastly became living only 30 minutes away. Although, rather than choosing the supportive route I chose independence.

Now, let me tell ya, this 'independence' was not all the glory that it had seemed before that moment. I was living on an island by the beach, sounds like every college students dream, huh? No. Did I mention that I wanted to live alone sharing only a bathroom with one other person? Well, that option filled real fast and there were no longer any suite style dorms left when they got down to the F's of their list. So when I walked into my on-campus apartment with three randomly assigned roommates I had never met before and unlocked my simple 8 x 9, nearly $700, parking lot view jail cell, I felt more lonely than ever.

I found myself being away from this apartment as much as possible. My roommates ( for the most part) had a heart for parties, beer pong and boys. I had a heart for quality relationships, community service and The Lord. I realized really fast that this living arrangement was not only incredibly expensive for the minimal accommodations it offered but also slowly becoming a place of avoidance. The night that my drunk roommates boyfriend tried to break into my room in the wee hours of the morning and then proceeded to barf in my bathroom, leaving it for someone else to clean up was the day I was sure I wanted out.

I called my Gramma concerned for my safety, my bank account and the toll this negative atmosphere was having on my soul. I went to the office, payed $1200.00 to break my lease and moved in with Gramma.

At first, I was a little bummed that I would have to get up even earlier to be on time to my 8 o'clock labs but I soon realized that it was a small price to pay for the nice, new, free atmosphere I was now being invited into. My room grew so much from the apartment living that I even put a couch in it. I had everything I needed here including yummy home cooked meals. Mostly, I felt protected again. This house quickly became a home away from home and has lived up to that title for the past year. Time flew by so quickly.

In the midst of the craziness with roommates and moving, I was taking a 19 hour work load at school, which was also taking its toll. Surprisingly, I achieved an adequate grade point average and squeezed into the University's Honors Program. I had been planning on applying and believed this to make up for the awkward tension that had been created at school due to prior experiences.

Immediately upon arriving at TAMUCC and actually starting classes as a first time student I knew it wasn't the place for me. I knew God had put me there for some reason but I felt as though I had lost sight of the reason for His plan. I didn't know why I was put here or what I was to do. I felt lost. I joined a Christian organization, CRU, (Campus Crusade for Christ), which led me to meet tons of people that I call friends today. This group held me accountable and led me to feel loved and wanted instead of the loneliness I had felt before. The group began falling apart when the adult leaders decided to move on to seminary and the group lost its funding. Everything I knew was falling apart around me and my place at my grandparent's house was becoming more of a hassle to waste gas on everyday.

I was faced again with the question:

Why here, God?


So I prayed and I moved away for the entire summer from civilization and technology and cell phones, I moved to a Christian adventure camp in hopes of changing lives and in hopes of the Lord changing mine. Again, I found more than I had bargained for. That summer was indescribable. It was a summer of trials, overcoming the past and present dilemmas and becoming someone new while making a small impression in comparison to what the Lord did through me and for the glory of His kingdom upon others. I was so thankful for being allowed to be a subtle tool for God. I came back knowing I was being called somewhere else, my heart had new desires and I was READY to be bold.

So, I applied for Texas A&M University and was forced to wait, patiently enduring the trials my current university still plunged toward me. But I was accepted and it was worth the wait to hold that acceptance letter in my hands.

My time here has not been wasted. I do not feel bitter toward my old roomies or toward their immediate reaction to their new independence. I got my dose of being on my own and I am thankful that it became a process rather than a cold-water-in-the-face-at-dawn kind of experience. I am thankful for the people I have met and learned to love and mostly, I am thankful that I don't have all the answers. I am thankful that God keeps His mystery sometimes. I have a small percentage of the entire picture toward justifying my time here but I do know that the Lord had my best intension in mind and He brought me into my grandparents home full of love, joy, happiness and the support He knew I needed at that point in this life.

And now I'm leaving and I hear muffled elder voices talking on the phone about how unfair it is that I'm going elsewhere and how I will be missed and they don't know what they will do without me and how they will *tear* ... support me because it's what I want. All the sadness and sneaking around makes me really sad too. Just packing my room today I was so stressed out that I got uncontrollable hiccups, the ones that hurt and appear so suddenly that they almost make you throw up, yeah, those.

Then I cried. I was alone and I still tried to hold back the tears but they came anyway. I cried because I felt bad for not being able to make them understand the reasons for my departure and I cried because I pitied myself. Mostly, I cried because looking back years from now I don't want to be crying again, wishing I hadn't of missed the opportunity to spend more quality time with my grandparents who have been nothing but honest, brutal at times, loving, supportive and encouraging in my life.

So as I leave I remember the hard lessons I've learned here.

The lesson of comparison between my lifestyle and those that I lived in close quarters with:
One man's faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him. Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.
Romans 14:2-4


The lesson of perseverance:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangled, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
Hebrews 12:1


The lesson of patience:
My soul waits for the Lord, more than watchmen wait for morning, More than watchmen wait for morning...
Psalm 130

The lesson of change:
Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
Jeremiah 7:5-7


The lesson of hope:
We rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, character and hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.
Romans 5:3-5

The lesson of love:
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
Galatians 2:20


The lesson of loneliness:
Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid of tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.
Deuteronomy 31:6


The lesson of faith:
Therefore since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.
Romans 5:1-2

But the greatest of these is love.
I love the Lord and I am thankful that He has loved me enough to give my heart bold desires and gracious enough to fulfill those prayers in hopes of pursuing them. I am thankful for this beautiful testimony of faith and of patience and of ultimate love He has written on the pages of this journey journal and anxious to begin a brand new chapter.

Dream Big

Thinking back to a younger, more fragile age of about ten, I thought my life would look a lot like Taylor Swift's does right now. I imagined it all: How I would audition for American Idol just to end up winning it. I would sign with a record label and produce music that everybody loved. The songs I wrote would be so well-rounded that they could be acceptably played on any station rising to the tops of various charts. I would be invited to all the award shows looking fabulous, giving God the glory in my acceptance speeches. I would vastly become this teenaged superstar without regular things to worry about like 

bills 

or 

paparazzi

or

heartbreak.

My life was projected to be what I would have once labeled perfect.

Well I don't believe in perfect anymore.
Well, I mean, I do believe in the perfect Son that died for our sins and saved the world but not in earthly perfection. I do not believe in the perfection of people or modern day lifestyles.

Although, I believe in
hope
& fairy tales.

I believe that there are people that will genuinely love you as best they can & at times, that may feel like the most perfect love.

 I don't believe we can fathom what perfection truly is, so we make it up. We imagine things that we'd like to believe, whether or not they may ever happen or be. We dream big.

& I absolutely believe in dreaming big.


Do not be afraid of wanting to make the most out of what the Lord has put you here to endure.
Taylor Swift wasn't afraid.

 Jesus wasn't afraid.

The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it.

1 Thessalonians 5:24

Therefore, the Lord will place you where He needs you and make of you what He will.

And because life hasn't turned into anything I'd believed it would, He has created a beautiful testimony of faith, service, hardship and blinding trust that has held my hand and guided me, leaving me marked.

When I was weak, He carried me and now despite my own plans He was the one who did it.

Trust in the Lord and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him and he will do it.

Psalm 37: 3-5

Finals Week Lag

I have been lagging with the extent in which I have decided was actually finished enough to post on this blog. I apologize for that. If it justifies anything at all it is finals week and I am preparing for many exams this week and next. Thank you for the patience and keeping up with me. I hope I'm not just talking to myself.

I have been, however, throughly enjoyed reading other people's blogs. Goodness, people are so talented! I have been excited to find and *follow* more blogs as I get acquainted with them. I look forward to keeping up with the gritty details of others lives. This is probably the reason I became a Communication major, I enjoy witnessing and being encouraged by the interactions of people around me.

Thank you!
Have a great day of beautiful weather. I drove by the ocean today and had never seen it so calm. Hope you see the beauty of calm amongst chaos today.

When my disquieting thoughts became many inside me. Your own consolations began to fondle my soul.

Psalms 94:19