You know, I have been learning some valuable lessons lately and I'm not sure if I have the pages of notes from Breakaway each week or the vow to a daily devotional to thank for it but I know it lies somewhere near a Godly influence.
A few weeks ago I rekindled a spark with an old friend & while filling in the gaps of life that took place since our last encounter we stumbled upon the topic of relationships. He, well aware that I had been in a rocky relationship for the past few recent years, asked about what I had learned from it. It overjoyed me to be able to skip the "why did it end" question and go straight to the "God taught me this and made it good" section of the story.
As I talked he would chime in, reminding me of the importance to hear outsiders advice, someone who knew nothing about it and had no personal attachment to the the relationship at all.
I realized that I never say his name anymore, that person I dated. My friend asked me if we were still friends and I simply replied "no". To be honest, we haven't known each other's hearts for a while, we grew up, grew apart and that was the end. If you don't know a heart, you don't know much about someone at all and my heart has been much better guarded since then.
"You don't continue to make contact unless you are interested in maintaining a relationship," he stated.
I was shocked by how true his statement rang in my head. How many times had I been weary about boyfriends keeping in touch with their exes? Precisely because, as a woman, we are always worried about old flame relationships that are being maintained and the intentions behind them. I realized quickly that the little texts I threw my ex's way were holding me back, allowing the sting to continue to hurt me and my future. I was still being framed by a relationship I had long outgrown. I was thankful for the gentle planting of an idea that letting go of this person would open me up to new possibilities and not cause insecurity about the intention of maintaining relations to anyone new that would come along in my own life. It would never have to be an issue if I stopped it now.
So, I took a breath and threw away those love notes that I had shed so many tears over-- killing myself slowly with the 'what-if' game. I deleted his facebook, his number, I rid my life of everything that brought the pain of what I had lost back to me and then I woke up the next day and it was more beautiful than the past few years had ever been. The next day was the beginning of a new life in which I truly have focused on allowing God to fill its center. I began memorizing scripture, being encouraged, making time for new or old friends, living to do the things I wanted to without being held back and it was good.
Now, several weeks later, my life, again, looks so different than it did a month ago. I am finally content with the place I am sitting. I have healed and do not look back on the sadness of what pride, lying and differences had made but rather, I am able to remember the good times and have a genuine laugh or share an old story with a smile on my face. I am thankful for all the pain and heartache and laughs that lead me to this point. I am thankful for the love that let me ride it until that love ran out and a greater love washed over me.
I realize now that I was never hung up & left to dry but that I was on the edge of a huge ocean that was ready to engulf me in it's goodness, the goodness of our God. I just had to find the Faith to jump.
I am so thankful for being able to see glimpses of His ultimate plan in my life and the reassurance that it is, in fact, good.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Multiple Thanks'
My spiritual life has been taking bold strides forward. It is a season in life that is joyful and constantly reminding of God's goodness and blessings.
My mom just got a job she has been hoping to get for a long time now, since she graduated with her Masters degree, an answered prayer.
I am so thankful for the abundance of blessings I have become aware of in life right now. Even if just the presence of a very sweet, sweet puppy or an "I love you" from a dear friend. Life has been its own kind of beautiful, a mere reflection of the Lord, Himself.
I am thankful, each day has been a new reason for thanksgiving.
I learned today that if within a relationship there is harsh speech or action toward one another (from one or both parties) or feelings of superiority or ridicule, there is a higher chance of illness. As I posted earlier this week, I have been struck with illness in this life, especially lately. I am recovering from a viral respiratory infection that started over a month ago, about the time I had an encounter with an ex-boyfriend, at which time he said & did a lot of truly hurtful things that stung my heart. I have been ill since. I have been physically and emotionally wounded. My heart hurt out of desperation for approval, Satan's lies in form of words from someone I though would always care for me and the vulnerability to internalize things I knew better than to believe.
Slowly I am overcoming this entire situation and hurt with the idea that God works all things for His good. I don't even fully understand it yet, but each day is closer to wanting it more, wanting His will to succeed over my own, the loosening of a tight grip on things I have kept close for too long. I am letting go and it has never felt better or more real than it has tonight. I have been in His Truth and been filled with Godly advice, guidance and friendship that has brought me farther than I ever could have come alone. Thankful, again.
"Shout for joy to the Lord, all the Earth.
Worship the Lord with gladness, come before Him with joyful songs.
Know that the Lord is God.
It is He who made us, and we are His;
We are His people, the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise;
give thanks to Him and praise His name.
For the Lord is good and His love endures forever;
His faithfulness continues through all generations."
Psalm 100
My mom just got a job she has been hoping to get for a long time now, since she graduated with her Masters degree, an answered prayer.
I am so thankful for the abundance of blessings I have become aware of in life right now. Even if just the presence of a very sweet, sweet puppy or an "I love you" from a dear friend. Life has been its own kind of beautiful, a mere reflection of the Lord, Himself.
I am thankful, each day has been a new reason for thanksgiving.
I learned today that if within a relationship there is harsh speech or action toward one another (from one or both parties) or feelings of superiority or ridicule, there is a higher chance of illness. As I posted earlier this week, I have been struck with illness in this life, especially lately. I am recovering from a viral respiratory infection that started over a month ago, about the time I had an encounter with an ex-boyfriend, at which time he said & did a lot of truly hurtful things that stung my heart. I have been ill since. I have been physically and emotionally wounded. My heart hurt out of desperation for approval, Satan's lies in form of words from someone I though would always care for me and the vulnerability to internalize things I knew better than to believe.
Slowly I am overcoming this entire situation and hurt with the idea that God works all things for His good. I don't even fully understand it yet, but each day is closer to wanting it more, wanting His will to succeed over my own, the loosening of a tight grip on things I have kept close for too long. I am letting go and it has never felt better or more real than it has tonight. I have been in His Truth and been filled with Godly advice, guidance and friendship that has brought me farther than I ever could have come alone. Thankful, again.
"Shout for joy to the Lord, all the Earth.
Worship the Lord with gladness, come before Him with joyful songs.
Know that the Lord is God.
It is He who made us, and we are His;
We are His people, the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise;
give thanks to Him and praise His name.
For the Lord is good and His love endures forever;
His faithfulness continues through all generations."
Psalm 100
Pumpkin Patch Princess
It was my baby Lady's first Halloween, her first Fall, first pumpkin patch, a lot of firsts that we needed to make the most of. It has a great season.
:)
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Gilbert
About a week ago I was diagnosed with a disease that researchers call "seemingly harmless": Gilbert's Syndrome or GS. This term is thrown around so casually but any diagnosis is scary even if the treatment is a bandaid. Gilbert's Syndrome, who the hell is Gilbert and what does he want with me?
"GS is harmless.
You'll never even notice it."
I'm just a product of some disease now. I get to pay the $5 the insurance doesn't cover of lab tests to be poked and prodded every six months just to be told that I still had an elevated bilirubin (byproduct of the liver) and there is nothing they can do about it. Until last week when they put a name on it, still couldn't do anything about it and then told me not to worry.
I was born with Jaundice, GS usually develops from forms of Jaundice. My mom said I was a beautiful tan only slightly yellowed color. I was born yellow, born sick.
Growing up I remember getting sick often. I cried every time I threw up until I was 14, which was a lot. I cried because it hurts to throw up. It hurts to be sick. It hurts to label that sickness into a category with the 5% of the population that has been diagnosed with GS too.
I was sick a lot, some symptoms of GS is fatigue and digestion issues, I've had both for as long as I remember. I still do.
But GS is harmless, right? I won't even notice it...
Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am weak; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are troubled.
Psalm 6:2
"GS is harmless.
You'll never even notice it."
I'm just a product of some disease now. I get to pay the $5 the insurance doesn't cover of lab tests to be poked and prodded every six months just to be told that I still had an elevated bilirubin (byproduct of the liver) and there is nothing they can do about it. Until last week when they put a name on it, still couldn't do anything about it and then told me not to worry.
I was born with Jaundice, GS usually develops from forms of Jaundice. My mom said I was a beautiful tan only slightly yellowed color. I was born yellow, born sick.
Growing up I remember getting sick often. I cried every time I threw up until I was 14, which was a lot. I cried because it hurts to throw up. It hurts to be sick. It hurts to label that sickness into a category with the 5% of the population that has been diagnosed with GS too.
I was sick a lot, some symptoms of GS is fatigue and digestion issues, I've had both for as long as I remember. I still do.
But GS is harmless, right? I won't even notice it...
Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am weak; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are troubled.
Psalm 6:2
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Tainted Reality
Have you ever just waken up and realized that everything about your past might have quite possibly been completely imagined? I'm starting to think that a lot of things in my past were just a mere mirage that time has constructed, they didn't actually mean anything. It's like I don't know what is real and what I made up anymore.
Someone that loved you doesn't cut you out of their lives completely. Maybe it wasn't love at all.
Lately I have been really torn up inside fighting to get over a past that seemed so real once but has left me feeling so horrible now, mostly because I don't want to tell myself it was always a lie, a bigger lie than the little ones that tore our "relationship" apart. None of it was sincere from anyone but me and now I'm the "crazy girl" that can't let things go.
Let me set this straight:
I'm not crazy, I'm just hurt. I'm hurt that I wasted the past few years of my life on something else that would abandon me in life, something else that would walk out when things got hard. I'm hurt that I put my heart through a blender and now have to try to put all the pieces back together again without knowing where to start, over a person who would never do the same for me. I'm hurt that I have to walk on eggshells now to make everyone else comfortable when I just want to scream and be upset and be "crazy" for a while toward someone that promised me things would be different, someone that promised he would never be the person my father was but did exactly that and left, forever.
It's hurtful and I've heard every excuse and none yet to justify.
You don't lie in love. You don't taint the only pure thing in this life, the only thing that gives us life at all, love.
So, as I piece back all things broken, I wonder again if it is my heart aching at all
or
if I made it all up
and rather,
it's my imagination
hurting me instead.
Someone that loved you doesn't cut you out of their lives completely. Maybe it wasn't love at all.
Lately I have been really torn up inside fighting to get over a past that seemed so real once but has left me feeling so horrible now, mostly because I don't want to tell myself it was always a lie, a bigger lie than the little ones that tore our "relationship" apart. None of it was sincere from anyone but me and now I'm the "crazy girl" that can't let things go.
Let me set this straight:
I'm not crazy, I'm just hurt. I'm hurt that I wasted the past few years of my life on something else that would abandon me in life, something else that would walk out when things got hard. I'm hurt that I put my heart through a blender and now have to try to put all the pieces back together again without knowing where to start, over a person who would never do the same for me. I'm hurt that I have to walk on eggshells now to make everyone else comfortable when I just want to scream and be upset and be "crazy" for a while toward someone that promised me things would be different, someone that promised he would never be the person my father was but did exactly that and left, forever.
It's hurtful and I've heard every excuse and none yet to justify.
You don't lie in love. You don't taint the only pure thing in this life, the only thing that gives us life at all, love.
So, as I piece back all things broken, I wonder again if it is my heart aching at all
or
if I made it all up
and rather,
it's my imagination
hurting me instead.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
The Not-So-American-Dream
I feel like I have abandoned this blog for a while & I really don't want it to be that way.
I always have great ideas for blogs but feel ill-motivated to take the time to actually jot them down plus as a college student that is also in a leadership position at work and a full time mommy to a high maintenance puppy, I'm busy!
Also, when I log on I get excited to read about what is going on in so many other people's lives and then I forget about writing at all.
This past weekend I turned 21. Exciting, right? It was pretty much the best birthday I can remember, ever. I flew out to Vegas where the weather was perfect all day, I walked away with more money than I started with gambling, I zip-lined under a light show across the entire downtown strip, took a gondola ride where I was sung happy birthday in Italian, I could go on and on for days about all the things we got to do and the amazing people I got to meet & all the ways that people went out of their way to make my weekend special. I enjoyed every second of the birthday adventure I got to endure. My taste of flying, Vegas, Cali & Italia we simply amazing. God is everywhere love is & I am so blessed to have gotten to experience that love in a lot of different places.
I've learned a few things about myself because this birthday actually felt older & it was so cool.
1. Travel to as many places as you can that you have never been, life is so short.
2. Favorite gambling game: Roulette, favorite mixed drink: "Nuts 'n' berries"
3. If you're gambling, you get unlimited free drinks of absolutely anything you want. :)!
I also thought about how this was the closest I have ever been to accomplishing dreams & desires I have pondered my whole life and yet, the farthest I been too. I have dabbled in love and heartbreak for a long time but now that it's closer to making decisions about the rest of my life....I don't want to. I'm not sure I'm done feeling sad about the person I thought would always love me completely cutting me out of his life. I'm not sure I picture God's plan for my life going exactly how I had imagined it should. The only hopeful part in all of this is that it doesn't have to work out according to this "American Dream" standard. I don't have fall in love in college, get married upon graduation, travel the world before settling down in the suburbs, a dog & 2.5 children. It's ridiculous the more I think about it, I don't even want that anymore.
I just want to experience God and see Him through His creation in as many places as I can -- get glimpses of who He really is and who He desires me to be. I'm a woman after His own heart & as much as I fail, I only desire it more. So, I want to travel, I want to fly and hike and sail and jump into every crevice, depth, sky, body of water, that I get the chance to before I join Him and He shows me what living really is.
Life on Earth as a Christian is about love but nobody limits you to love only one person, why not love on everyone, deeply and let people love on you because there is joy in love, God is love. It's great, you see?
I always have great ideas for blogs but feel ill-motivated to take the time to actually jot them down plus as a college student that is also in a leadership position at work and a full time mommy to a high maintenance puppy, I'm busy!
Also, when I log on I get excited to read about what is going on in so many other people's lives and then I forget about writing at all.
This past weekend I turned 21. Exciting, right? It was pretty much the best birthday I can remember, ever. I flew out to Vegas where the weather was perfect all day, I walked away with more money than I started with gambling, I zip-lined under a light show across the entire downtown strip, took a gondola ride where I was sung happy birthday in Italian, I could go on and on for days about all the things we got to do and the amazing people I got to meet & all the ways that people went out of their way to make my weekend special. I enjoyed every second of the birthday adventure I got to endure. My taste of flying, Vegas, Cali & Italia we simply amazing. God is everywhere love is & I am so blessed to have gotten to experience that love in a lot of different places.
I've learned a few things about myself because this birthday actually felt older & it was so cool.
1. Travel to as many places as you can that you have never been, life is so short.
2. Favorite gambling game: Roulette, favorite mixed drink: "Nuts 'n' berries"
3. If you're gambling, you get unlimited free drinks of absolutely anything you want. :)!
I also thought about how this was the closest I have ever been to accomplishing dreams & desires I have pondered my whole life and yet, the farthest I been too. I have dabbled in love and heartbreak for a long time but now that it's closer to making decisions about the rest of my life....I don't want to. I'm not sure I'm done feeling sad about the person I thought would always love me completely cutting me out of his life. I'm not sure I picture God's plan for my life going exactly how I had imagined it should. The only hopeful part in all of this is that it doesn't have to work out according to this "American Dream" standard. I don't have fall in love in college, get married upon graduation, travel the world before settling down in the suburbs, a dog & 2.5 children. It's ridiculous the more I think about it, I don't even want that anymore.
I just want to experience God and see Him through His creation in as many places as I can -- get glimpses of who He really is and who He desires me to be. I'm a woman after His own heart & as much as I fail, I only desire it more. So, I want to travel, I want to fly and hike and sail and jump into every crevice, depth, sky, body of water, that I get the chance to before I join Him and He shows me what living really is.
Life on Earth as a Christian is about love but nobody limits you to love only one person, why not love on everyone, deeply and let people love on you because there is joy in love, God is love. It's great, you see?
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Get Inspired
I have been reading "inspirational" lists sent to me by various people or exposed in popular media but I have decided that no list works better than one you write for yourself, so read this one, use the ones that work for you and then write your own.
6. cook
7. Talk to a stranger every chance you get
8. Tell people they're important and appreciated
9. Do/say things for the simple reason that it makes someone else happy
10. Do favors for people without expecting anything in return
11. Do zumba!!!!
12. Don't take yourself too seriously
13. Confess/own up to mistakes you've made & don't repeat them
14. Sincerely apologize when you need to, let go of the bitterness, it will set you free.
15. Let a child teach you something
16. Lose yourself in a good book (I recommend ANY Jodi Picoult read)
17. Sing every song you know the words to even if the car next to your stares
18. If someone cuts you off while driving, smile & wave (it actually feels better)
19. Get a puppy & keep it & let it love you & watch it grow & teach it right from wrong & don't give it away when it gets hard
20. Wash your sheets
21. Do something rebellious with your hair
22. Take an afternoon nap outside
23. Find the biggest hill you can and roll down it
24. Let go of your past, recognize life is short and embrace the present
25. Pray
26. Take a walk around the neighborhood
27. People watch
28. Give yourself plenty of time to get things done so that there's no such thing as "crunch time stress"
29. Let tomorrow worry about itself
30. Go on vacation to somewhere you've never been
31. Love as much as possible, don't be picky, find the lovable things in absolutely everyone
32. Challenge yourself
33. Forgive but don't forget
34. Forgive yourself
35. Choose your battles wisely (Will this matter in 5, 10 years?)
36. Take classes outside of your major.
37. Work for your own money.
38. Don't live an envious life, see the beauty in yourself
39. Trust that there may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning.
40. Write your goals in a place you see every day
41. Cry if you have to, get it all off your chest but then, let it be done
42. Call your family & always say "I love you" before you hang up
43. When the hard things and the right things are the same, do the right things.
44. Don't let bad habits get the best of you
45. Learn the lessons you need and accept that you'll have to learn most of them the hard way
46. Get out of your comfort zone
47. Stand firm in your standards, beliefs & values, someone will reach them all, patience is a virtue
48. Be comfortable in your own skin
49. Meet people halfway
50. Surrender it all to God, BEST thing you can do for yourself, let it all go & know that He has your best intention in mind.
Get inspired.
1. Never leave the house without clean teeth, you'll smile more, which will make you happier. Happy=pretty.
2. Find joy in the little things (they're everywhere)
3. Laugh out loud, a lot, even if nobody else "gets it"
4. Don't let petty things burden you.
5. Swing as high as you can and then jump, then make it a competition with a friend
6. cook
7. Talk to a stranger every chance you get
8. Tell people they're important and appreciated
9. Do/say things for the simple reason that it makes someone else happy
10. Do favors for people without expecting anything in return
11. Do zumba!!!!
12. Don't take yourself too seriously
13. Confess/own up to mistakes you've made & don't repeat them
14. Sincerely apologize when you need to, let go of the bitterness, it will set you free.
15. Let a child teach you something
16. Lose yourself in a good book (I recommend ANY Jodi Picoult read)
17. Sing every song you know the words to even if the car next to your stares
18. If someone cuts you off while driving, smile & wave (it actually feels better)
19. Get a puppy & keep it & let it love you & watch it grow & teach it right from wrong & don't give it away when it gets hard
20. Wash your sheets
21. Do something rebellious with your hair
22. Take an afternoon nap outside
23. Find the biggest hill you can and roll down it
24. Let go of your past, recognize life is short and embrace the present
25. Pray
26. Take a walk around the neighborhood
27. People watch
28. Give yourself plenty of time to get things done so that there's no such thing as "crunch time stress"
29. Let tomorrow worry about itself
30. Go on vacation to somewhere you've never been
31. Love as much as possible, don't be picky, find the lovable things in absolutely everyone
32. Challenge yourself
33. Forgive but don't forget
34. Forgive yourself
35. Choose your battles wisely (Will this matter in 5, 10 years?)
36. Take classes outside of your major.
37. Work for your own money.
38. Don't live an envious life, see the beauty in yourself
39. Trust that there may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning.
40. Write your goals in a place you see every day
41. Cry if you have to, get it all off your chest but then, let it be done
42. Call your family & always say "I love you" before you hang up
43. When the hard things and the right things are the same, do the right things.
44. Don't let bad habits get the best of you
45. Learn the lessons you need and accept that you'll have to learn most of them the hard way
46. Get out of your comfort zone
47. Stand firm in your standards, beliefs & values, someone will reach them all, patience is a virtue
48. Be comfortable in your own skin
49. Meet people halfway
50. Surrender it all to God, BEST thing you can do for yourself, let it all go & know that He has your best intention in mind.
51. Don't ruin yourself playing the "what-if" game
52.
I'm going to continue this list as I have ideas :)
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