"You'll win or you'll lose, either way, the sun will come up tomorrow and it will be a brand new day."
The older I get the more I see that all the dreams I had for a future ended with college. I am so proud to be an Aggie and I am one, I'll get my ring, I'll finally graduate and then I'll be done, expected to move forward, what then? I don't want that American dream. I don't care about the money or the diamond or the car or any of that. I want the love, the commitment, the promise of forever, the family... that will come with time when we've established ourselves a little bit but that's not what this is about. What do I want for myself, as an individual? What do I want said of me when I leave this place? What do I want that has nothing to do with anything but feeling accomplished and everything to do with where I'll end up?
I want to be the best person I can be.
I want to win and have people be happy for me.
I want to lose & get over it.
I want to surprise myself.
I want to define myself instead of having others define me.
I want to not be afraid of the unknown.
I want to grow up to be generous and big-hearted, the way people have been with me.
I wanted the possibility of options in my life.
College was that possibility for me, what will be done with it now that it's concluding?
It feels a little bit like playing that last football game or dancing in that last competition, or senior prom, packing up and moving towns: bittersweet and scary. It's all a little too familiar but this time it's for real. Here's the life you always dreamed of, yours for the making.
What's next?
Tomorrow is a brand new day...
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
It's Gonna be Worth it
You can hate certain moments along this journey but God still makes them good.
He makes every moment worth it.
I heard an interesting quote in a movie we watched about Beat poets, (homosexual, Bohemian men, strung out on drugs, who spend their lives searching for meaning in their souls & rebel against the views of society), "it doesn't matter how far, the road is life." It's an interesting feat to make sense of the words these guys put to paper, an interesting feat to apply them to the subconscious thoughts of "normal" people, or ourselves.
Lately, my life has taken some unexpected turns that have sent me searching for the roots of where they initiated. For one, I really hate school, really. It's all I can do to go to class each day. I love A&M. I love tradition. I love the idea of excellence in education & I do believe I attend one of the top public institutions in the nation but I don't want to go to class. I don't want to study. I don't want to take notes or listen to someone try and explain logical symbols to my expressive, literal mind. I force myself to go every single day & I feel the bitterness creeping in.
It's an odd place to be, really. I appreciate the fact that you have to earn things, respectably: aggie rings, grades, a degree. I'm glad things aren't just handed out to anyone & I do want it, in fact, some days, that degree is the only thing that keeps me going. The idea of an "I'm proud of you" written on a card, the smiles of family at graduation-- but that's not for me. That dream is for others, it's for my family now, my future family, to have something fancy to show for myself...I guess. Mostly, it's proof that I had the endurance to take something challenging and embrace it, persevere, and come out ahead. I don't want to wish these precious college years away but that's exactly what I'm doing.
...the road is life.
I don't know where my road is taking me, where the Lord is allowing it to lead. I know that it is currently challenging but, I also cling to the fact that I can have hope that there is an end, a joyful moment I will be able to point back at and sigh in relief knowing it was worth it.
He makes every moment worth it.
I heard an interesting quote in a movie we watched about Beat poets, (homosexual, Bohemian men, strung out on drugs, who spend their lives searching for meaning in their souls & rebel against the views of society), "it doesn't matter how far, the road is life." It's an interesting feat to make sense of the words these guys put to paper, an interesting feat to apply them to the subconscious thoughts of "normal" people, or ourselves.
Lately, my life has taken some unexpected turns that have sent me searching for the roots of where they initiated. For one, I really hate school, really. It's all I can do to go to class each day. I love A&M. I love tradition. I love the idea of excellence in education & I do believe I attend one of the top public institutions in the nation but I don't want to go to class. I don't want to study. I don't want to take notes or listen to someone try and explain logical symbols to my expressive, literal mind. I force myself to go every single day & I feel the bitterness creeping in.
It's an odd place to be, really. I appreciate the fact that you have to earn things, respectably: aggie rings, grades, a degree. I'm glad things aren't just handed out to anyone & I do want it, in fact, some days, that degree is the only thing that keeps me going. The idea of an "I'm proud of you" written on a card, the smiles of family at graduation-- but that's not for me. That dream is for others, it's for my family now, my future family, to have something fancy to show for myself...I guess. Mostly, it's proof that I had the endurance to take something challenging and embrace it, persevere, and come out ahead. I don't want to wish these precious college years away but that's exactly what I'm doing.
...the road is life.
I don't know where my road is taking me, where the Lord is allowing it to lead. I know that it is currently challenging but, I also cling to the fact that I can have hope that there is an end, a joyful moment I will be able to point back at and sigh in relief knowing it was worth it.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Empty
I've figured it out- this dull weariness I've spent the past few days in.
I'm allowing fears of a future, worries of the day, frustrations of life blur the line of my focus away from Jesus.
Jesus, my advocator, who has gone before me. Jesus, my God that humbly became a man, lived a perfect life and died on a cross. He rose again and He reigns forever. His goodness & light is in me but I hide it away. But I want to share it, I want to love others well. I don't want it to be all mine, alone.
I wear a cross, as a symbol of His death, His sacrifice for me while I was still a sinner, He paid my ransom. The cross should also be a symbol of another death-- the one that overtakes us when we let all but our heart for Him fall away from us. I want to die and become new again, again daily.
I can't say how many times I've prayed to be empty & that's exactly what I'm becoming but that can't be all. I need also to be filled with you, Father.
Make me empty, painlessly so. Then fill me up again. Then let it pour out and be shared forevermore.
Let that be my greatest joy in life without fear or reservation or worry at all.
I'm allowing fears of a future, worries of the day, frustrations of life blur the line of my focus away from Jesus.
Jesus, my advocator, who has gone before me. Jesus, my God that humbly became a man, lived a perfect life and died on a cross. He rose again and He reigns forever. His goodness & light is in me but I hide it away. But I want to share it, I want to love others well. I don't want it to be all mine, alone.
I wear a cross, as a symbol of His death, His sacrifice for me while I was still a sinner, He paid my ransom. The cross should also be a symbol of another death-- the one that overtakes us when we let all but our heart for Him fall away from us. I want to die and become new again, again daily.
I can't say how many times I've prayed to be empty & that's exactly what I'm becoming but that can't be all. I need also to be filled with you, Father.
Make me empty, painlessly so. Then fill me up again. Then let it pour out and be shared forevermore.
Let that be my greatest joy in life without fear or reservation or worry at all.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Jesus or Bust
The more I try to analyze various areas in my life, the more I am pointed toward the exact same conclusions.
No, it's not mutual. No, it won't work out being a one way street. No, potential is not enough, now is it.
Yes, there are more important things to be stealing my attention.
Life has no guarantees & I don't want to be so focused on one small portion of it that I miss the rest.
I feel very joyful and very discontent all at once & it is becoming a really draining struggle.
I feel like everything I have been working so diligently toward is not as rewarding as I initially expected & that's really scary to admit. I've been running & not making any progress, it seems.
I want so badly to hold things loosely but I haven't. I have been clinging to guys that won't commit, allowing people to believe they are in control of my contentment, yearning for temporary things in general. I don't want any of it anymore.
I hope tomorrow I can wake up with bigger dreams that go far beyond the confines of this small college town, bigger than any degree, bigger than a fairytale that gives no glimpse past matrimony. I want something eternal, someone Holy & Everlasting. Give me Jesus and strip me of absolutely everything else.
No, it's not mutual. No, it won't work out being a one way street. No, potential is not enough, now is it.
Yes, there are more important things to be stealing my attention.
Life has no guarantees & I don't want to be so focused on one small portion of it that I miss the rest.
I feel very joyful and very discontent all at once & it is becoming a really draining struggle.
I feel like everything I have been working so diligently toward is not as rewarding as I initially expected & that's really scary to admit. I've been running & not making any progress, it seems.
I want so badly to hold things loosely but I haven't. I have been clinging to guys that won't commit, allowing people to believe they are in control of my contentment, yearning for temporary things in general. I don't want any of it anymore.
I hope tomorrow I can wake up with bigger dreams that go far beyond the confines of this small college town, bigger than any degree, bigger than a fairytale that gives no glimpse past matrimony. I want something eternal, someone Holy & Everlasting. Give me Jesus and strip me of absolutely everything else.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)