Dear College Me...

"You don't always lose people to death. It's like learning to live with an amputation, you do heal but you're never the same. But those that go through this allowing the Lord to carry them discover a comfort and intimacy that some never endure." -Courageous

 You will never walk alone.

I lost my father when I was eight years old.
I wish I had a tombstone to remind me that he was real,
to remind me of who he was
and ultimately,
remind me of where I came from.

It took me a very long time to realize that I wasn't defined by growing up without a father.
I may struggle with that same identity or hardship because of the realistic facts, but 'Fatherless' is not a label I like to be associated with.

The weird thing is that even though I know deep down the absence of my earthly father has wounded me-- has altered the way I interact with people, specifically relationships-- I find myself often times, more bitter toward the ones that stuck around. I have reached a place of forgiveness and peace with him but I cannot let those that continue on in my life off the chain when wrong doing has been done. Maybe it's because I have a perfect Heavenly Father that fills me in every way that has been a replacement of me biological stranger, but why can't I accept that people will hurt me and that I will learn lessons the hard way sometimes because of my own stubbornness? Why can't I let go of my expectations of people to amount to more than they will themselves to? Why can't I forgive as easily as I am forgiven?

Don't rationalize the ways in which you are rebuking people who've hurt you. There is only one rightful judge who will one day hold us accountable for everything. You only hurt yourself by holding a grudge, trust me.

But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the most high, because He is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
Luke 6: 35-36

Dear College Me:

Splurge on your relationship with God, seek His word until His voice drowns out all the others.

...this is a challenge for myself, I hope you'll join me.

Story Telling

I was given a binder from a very dear friend that contained personal encounters from a women's retreat she had been to back in 2008. She has been asking me to read her testimony written in it & finally I stole a moment away to do it. Even though I know that story, I had heard it before, I felt so broken for her. I felt burdened with this overwhelming sadness that she believed, as an innocent child (then) writing this that she was a product of all these terrible things that had happened to her. You'd never know by looking at her all the crap she has been through. I wept as I felt the pain behind the sincerity of her words. As I thought back to details she had shared with me in person and how I've seen these happenings play as factors in her life since, I wanted to hold her and tell her how beautiful she was and how nobody would hurt her again if she would surrender it to the only perfect Father. I wanted to tell her everything would be made good but that wasn't true. I couldn't really promise that she would never face hard trials again in this life. I couldn't promise anything except that she was far more than things she had gone through. She was a daughter of the King and He tells us how loved we are & how not all our lessons will be gently taught but not to get caught up in what tomorrow will bring of them. I wished that the good would overcome the bad in her story, not the other way around, but it does, you just have to step back to see the bigger picture of it all.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:34

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, 

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you. 

Plans to give you a hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

I, too, have lived to endure many heartaches, much abandonment, had my trust broken time and time again, been walked out on, faced betrayal. I have a story that is unlike anyone else's for a reason. People would never know intimate details of it except that I want to share it, I want people to know they aren't alone in the bad & I want to be a small, humble reminder that things will get better. But where I've been, what I've lived to survive, it's not who I am. The bad things that happen to us don't define us.

Beauty lies, we can look like we have it all together & smile like everything has always been neatly kept or we can face the truth, accept the identity Christ gives us, seek it out in His word & share our stories.

Tell the tragic parts and then tell the wonderful ways the Lord has healed you and made you new. Tell the story of how the generation curse of abuse or abandonment or hurt was broken through you. Tell of endurance. Tell the truth without fear of judgement, without hesitance. Be vulnerable to be a vessel for our King. Let God be the Hero in your story, because through Him, all that bad junk that you've been through...it gets put to rest. God wins & He gives your story joy and hope for an eternal future of true beauty. Don't miss it by focusing on all the terrible things that nobody should be forced to overcome, rather see the light & hold onto that.

Time Well Spent

My roommate and I recently ventured into a humorously, entertaining subject of how we like to spend our time, mostly.

I laughingly shared my theory that we, as women, often think of people we like (guys, in particular), as though they are always doing some awesome activity that we would have really enjoyed taking part in while we aren't around. We have this illusion that when those special people are not physically there with us, they are doing something really fun and we start getting frustrated that we weren't invited. This usually leads to the progression of bitterness toward this person and even insecurity as to why we aren't being included in daily activities.

Seriously, take it from me- women truly think like this, crazy, right?

Eventually, we get a text that reminds us that we are being thought about-- even when it's some stupid, completely inappropriate joke from some dude, we feel better, maybe, a little, because he gave us the time of day.
Or we console ourselves by doing something fun with our own friends & eventually forget all about you, until the girls start talking about boys, great, you're back again.


Let's be honest, ladies, he's not purposely excluding you, you are not made less for not having a boyfriend, and he is probably not actually doing anything cool-- you aren't missing out, except with the time you are wasting wondering about him rather than making the most with the people you ARE with.

You are beautiful, loved & desired by a King!

All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you.

Song of Solomon 4:7

A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. All men will know that you are my disciples of you love one another.

John 13:34-35

Secondly, we briefly discussed our study habits. My roommate is the skip-class-study-all-night-every-single-night-before-a-big-exam-kind of girl, while I am more of the go-to-class-make-flashcards-and-look-over-them-a few-times-but-don't-miss-out-on-any-social-event-in-the-process. While she plans things around her studying, I planned my studying around my social life. This sounds crazy but really, I figure I go to class and take good notes, I rewrite them onto flashcards, this is a great review & if I don't know it through that, I wouldn't have known it anyways. I don't want to leave college knowing I had studied as hard as I could, those aren't the real lessons we are created to have here. I want to experience relationships, in every form and make everlasting ones, let some go, learn what I want and be a friend/form of encouragement to a lot of other people. I never want studying to get in the way of quality time with another.

That's why we are here, to form close bonds to others that may bring glory to the Lord in the process of flourishing. I'd much rather do that job. There is plenty of room for growth, I have been guilty of being the crazy curious girl when not surrounded by specific people, but I refuse to let the precious time I have to share with any other being go to waste. We are called to be better. Don't let your assumptions get the best of you. Just live & let live.

Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:8

Don't just pretend that you love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of the good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.

Romans 12:9-10

And since I, the Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other's feet. I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you.

John 13:14-15

May your time be well spent.

Back on Track

You know, I've been struggling a lot lately, alone. I haven't told many people any details because I have been ashamed to admit that things aren't great. I suppose I have been told one too many times that 'happy girls are the prettiest girls' not to suck it up, put a smile on and act like I have everything under control. But I am happy, I'm not less because I have struggles, neither are you & the big guy upstairs has everything under control.

While I don't want to go into details about the past few weeks, I do want to promise that this will be the year that I not longer omit pieces of my story. I know I have these struggles, heartbreak, abandonment, hardships, and this particular testimony so that I can relate to people.

Our stories connect us together.

There is comfort in honesty, there is comfort in not being alone & there is a comfort in being vulnerable, even when it's hard and it's so easy to be fearful of judgement.

For where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am among them.

Matthew 18:20

I know good will come from all of this. I have been learning a lot about my own strength but even more about my humility. The Lord has been teaching me a lesson and today was the first glimpse of justification for the constant mishaps lately, there are far worse things than the small things I let bring me down. I realize that my focus is off track.

Luckily, the war has already been won. I don't have to fight & I definitely don't have to fight alone. 

& through Him, I'm finding my way back.

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.

1 Thessalonians 5:11

Sweet Reminders

Polar Bear Challenge 2012, a great excuse to get back to Camp Eagle to serve that community and those the Lord will bring to camp in the future by doing some work projects, making some hilariously fun memories, having some great fellowship & ultimately being reminded of lots of precious promises/things the Lord taught us in previous months spent at camp. Funny how sometimes the things we teach to campers as a counselor is also what the Lord is teaching us. Sometimes we preach to our own choir because we too need to hear it & believe it ourselves.

Whenever you feel judged I hope you hear God reminding you that people hated Him too. They hated Him and it didn't matter because He was on a mission, He had a bigger purpose than to focus on that hatred.

There's nothing you can do to make the Lord love you any less. I can remember saying this countless times to campers throughout the summer but I'm not sure if I paused to truly internalize it, until this week. I forget sometimes that the only love that is unconditional is from the Lord. There are so many things our hearts yearn for that only the Lord can fulfill & as long as we look to another human to fill voids within us- we will be disappointed. We cannot be ready to be fully with another until we have completely submitted and understood the Lord's love for us & that we can only get it from Him. His love is unconditional & His love is eternal.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4: 16-18

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.

James 4:7-10

My eyes will watch over them for their good, and I bring them back to this land. I will build them up and not tear them down; I will plant them and not uproot them. I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the Lord. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart.

Jeremiah 24: 6-7

Make the Kingdom of God your primary concern.

Unattached.

He is jealous for me

-loves like a hurricane, 

I am a tree

 bending beneath the weight 

of His wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden 

I am unaware of these afflictions 

eclipsed by glory 

& I realize just how beautiful you are 

& how great your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us,

Oh, How he loves...

I'm not sure why but I feel extremely unattached to things lately. I don't even really know how to explain it but to say that being doubtful always pushes me away, gives me a sick feeling and causes me to change my mind, every time- from people, from anything.Those that know a bit about my walk with the Lord know that it has been a long-time prayer to be completely free of doubt when I am pursued in intimate ways because if I'm not, I'll walk away. I have been disappointed by too many crucial men in my life to be alright with being unsure. I need security & reassurance, I think many women feel this way, especially the fatherless ones. It's a mutual understanding between little girls that grow up without daddies, to be fearful of falling for a man like our fathers were. Luckily, we have a Heavenly Father that has a better plan. A man being prepared for us by the greatest Father there is. It's comforting, isn't it? We don't have to worry because this is God's promise to us as fatherless, as women in general, as daughters of a King:

I have been a warrior lately, not fighting the good fight but fighting back selfishness, fighting back doubts or fears I have about specific people in my life. But I don't want it. I'm tired of fighting. I'm ready to let go. I'm ready to just focus on getting to know the Lord on a more intimate level, letting Him fill things within me that I put so much pressure on men to fill. I am setting myself up for disappointment until I can acknowledge that some things only come from above, that's what makes us turn to Him. He is jealous for us, for our attention and affection and desire. He wants us in a romantic way, in every way. He wants to make us whole and then unite us with someone that brings more glory to Him than we did alone. Point is, He wants us even more than we desire anything on this Earth.

But it starts with me. It starts here, feeling empty, with nothing left to offer. It starts with all my dependency upon God, the only one who doesn't bring doubt or confusion, the only one that doesn't change.

I deeply desire unconditional love, I need it!
I can't accept a lowly conditional version as a remedy instead.
I can't ask someone to be God.
I have to let go.
I have to surrender all to feel the freedom in His love.

God, I want you to be all I need, all I desire. I want to be the hands and feet of your works on Earth. I want to be perfectly fine with your love, I sincerely want it to be enough. Please show me that my search ends with you. I have every single thing with you, every good, gentle, sweet, precious feeling love can bring comes from you, I know this, help me intentionally accept it and be complete within it. I love you but I want to know and learn to love you even more. You are more than anything I will find here, God, help me internalize that and live it out. Just put your forgiving arms around me and never let go; help me to let go of all else to just be still there in your perfect love.

I'm clinging to the only thing I have that is a solid foundation for me: my Faith, my Heavenly Father. Because with Him, ridding myself of everything else doesn't feel like such a loss.