Don't get me wrong, I have done plenty of things I have needed to apologize for but I commend myself for making things right pretty fast. I don't like letting tension linger for long. I'm definitely a sinner but I felt completely free of conviction because of things I had done to hurt someone else through my sin. So when we were to write down an incident I couldn't think of anything but the times I thought I deserved an apology & the fact that I may never get them. People are shady creatures and instead of letting my pride get the best of me I am overtaken with bitterness against them.
At last I realized, it wasn't the people who were getting interjected into my life that I let wound and scar me that I was angry with, it was God, Himself. I was upset that the Lord would allow these people into my life just to continuously disappoint me. I realized that I was treated God like he was the lying ex-boyfriend, the new interest that actually had a girlfriend, He was the people that pretended to be everything they're not. My depiction of the King was perverted through the ways sinners had used me. It wasn't these people I owed an apology to, it was God.
I was also finally convicted that instead of finding my joy from the Lord I was depending on Him to answer my hopeful prayers with people and relationships rather than being content with His foundation of truth. I was finding joy in people not in Faith.
So, it has been a long journey but I am ready to jump off of the cliff I've been hiking for so long and finally trust my Father to teach me to fly. I am ready to stop finding happiness in temporary satisfaction and ready to stand of His firm foundation. God is not these people and He does not deserve to be blames for their wrongdoings. I have been hurt so that I may learn & I have lots of lessons under my belt.
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent. Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the praise of Israel. In you our fathers put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them. They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed. But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by men and despised by the people (Psalm 22:1-6).
I will declare your name to my brothers; in the congregation I will praise you. You who fear the LORD, praise him! All you descendants of Jacob, honor him! Revere him, all you descendants of Israel! For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help. From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly; before those who fear you will I fulfill my vows. The poor will eat and be satisfied; they who seek the LORD will praise him—may your hearts live forever! All the ends of the earth will remember and turn to the LORD, and all the families of the nations will bow down before him, for dominion belongs to the LORD and he rules over the nations. All the rich of the earth will feast and worship; all who go down to the dust will kneel before him—those who cannot keep themselves alive. Posterity will serve him; future generations will be told about the Lord. They will proclaim his righteousness to a people yet unborn—for he has done it. (Psalm 22:22-31).
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