Gray Spaces

I figured there would be a common trend at this point in my life. That we would all be seriously dating or entering into engagements with others we deemed significant. And while some of my friends are, I believe there is some gray space that is filled with the majority of young women I'm walking closely with.

The gray space has become some of my favorite space to venture through.

It's not a time that you have nobody to exclusively call your own. It's a time to love on many people, to pour into and invest your entire energy into things you're passionate about.

The gray spaces are there purposely to show us that there's no hurry to get anywhere fast, especially when you don't know exactly where you're going. A simple reminder that we don't have to have our lives strategically planned out, that a little Faith can go a long way.

I've spent the past few months trying to be someone who lives up to her own expectations before placing them on others, praying to stop wanting anything at all. I've spent the past few weeks letting someone slowly creep into my heart with silly questions and subtle sly grazes of a hand to a shoulder when we laugh really hard. I've spent the past few days feeling completely secure and thankful that for the first time in my life I am falling for a gorgeous, Godly, intelligent, witty, humble, genuine man without feeling like I'm in over my head or like it isn't mutual. I feel reassured not only in the words this man is joyfully speaking into my life but also an overwhelming assurance that my identity is still firmly rooted in the Lord, His plan, and His Truth more than anything else. As we travel forward learning to grow and encourage each other well, there is no pressure to get to any certain destination, only to glorify God well in whatever season we find ourselves in. & it's sweet & it's worth every day of tough patience to trust God in whatever may be next without forcing it to be so.

So, I encourage you to stop desiring things to find you while you stumble (blindly, at times) through this gray space and remember that there is only one thing that satisfies, one love that will always be true and perfect and let yourself be focused there before anywhere else.

Let the gray spaces remind you that there is goodness in all things and that there are lessons to be learned in this lack of plain black & white.

Don't get ahead of yourselves and just let whatever is present, linger. Have Faith that what is meant to be will reveal itself in the best timing because your God has only the best in store for you, even in time of gray spaces.

Living Now

"Patience is a virtue."

I like to say it jokingly. I like to say it out loud to hear it, myself.

I've got a newfound love for a song. It's lyrics go something like the following:

"Wake me up when it's all over
when I'm wiser and I'm older."

I don't agree at all. I don't want one moment to slip by without acknowledgement.
I don't want to miss this life.
I don't want to miss beginnings of sweet, warm, blossoming relationships.
I don't want to miss the small stresses of college that will indeed become ever smaller in the grand scheme.
I don't want to miss the dares or bucketlists or silly pranks.
I don't want to miss ONE SINGLE laugh or hug or smile.

So, I'll wake up early to be all there, at this point, right now.

I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world.

Don't wake me up later in life.

Let me live now.

Growth Group Credo

Sweet girls,

As the new semester kicks off and we all settle into our individual schedules, I have a few things I want you to know.

You are a valued member of a small group of women. It is a great pleasure for me to get to know each of your hearts and share in life with you as we study Ephesians together. I look forward to the many laughs I know we will have, the "real life" applications we will tackle, and the dynamics that will shape our group as a whole.

I hope that our Thursday night studies are something you come to anticipate with joy. I hope to help facilitate and mold our time together into a safe place that you are free to ask questions without fear of judgement. I pray that you will come to know your Maker by communing with other girls that are actively seeking to know Him more.

I want you to know that I come humbly before you not as anyone special. My identity does not lie in a title that calls me a leader, but in this truth: I was once broken by sin. I have been graciously redeemed by Jesus who paid my debt. I am now someone who deeply desires to serve you in love.

I want to be open to sharing tough things as a means to empathize with you. I hope you will be courageous enough to meet me there in vulnerability, even when it's hard. I hope we can encourage one another, as we are sharpened into more Godly women.

I want to love you well as a sister in Christ, a daughter of a King, and a fellow college student walking in a similar season of life.

I hope you will set aside a block each week devoted to preparation to make the best use of our limited time. I need you to expect to be asked challenging questions, that spur you to dig deeper, that keep you passionately seeking Truth inside and outside of our time together.

Before I ask what's next, I'll ask what's now. I want to know what God is teaching you, what you are struggling with, what brings you joy in life. I hope Emily and I can learn to guide you in your journey of Faith and offer support in any way that we can.

I'm looking forward to getting to know you, getting to mutually grow with you, & to rest in the belief that God is in the midst of doing mighty things and this semester is no exception.

:)

--Danielle

I can't Imagine...

My life has been so full of interesting turns lately, I've felt almost overwhelmingly thankful.

1. I went back to work. Technically, I've been working for the same program for years and continued my office duties throughout this summer but to go back to the elementary school and serve on the front lines of A&M's educational field, is so rewarding. There are moments with screaming children or bullied tears, the need for lots of encouragement and shiny sticker bribery, but I cannot imagine my college career without the confines of those kid-art-decorated walls. I can't imagine a life without the challenges or laughs that kids can bring to lives if we'll simply give them quality time. I can't imagine the compliments I'd have missed ("I always know when you're here, Ms. Fisher, because the room smells good.") or the ways they can break my heart in the gentlest of ways (Overhearing one child rub another's back and tell them not to cry). Ultimately, I can't imagine who I would be without the lessons those tiny contagious smiling people have taught me: patience, discipline, kindness, simplicity, selflessness. So many I carry into relationships far beyond this stage and hopefully onto my own children one day.

2. I am walking in this freedom of transition, the unknown journey between a few months until graduation before then, stepping into "real" life. I can't imagine being done with college, looking back on the place I stand now--how that feels. I have been consciously keeping myself in this moment, trying not to let it slip by too fast. I can't imagine having endured a more full college experience. I wouldn't trade one moment of it for anything else. I'm thankful that there was a plan by a God that went before me and made things good. I am anxious for all He will continue to do and all He is in the midst of doing right now.

3. As I sit back and watch the Lord's faithfulness in relationship aspects, I am completely at peace with my desire to say exactly how I'm feeling, even if it seems too quick or too risky. I can't imagine keeping things that are meant to be shared to myself for the sake of avoiding vulnerability. I want my words to be spoken in a genuine state, in a conscious effort to be an encouragement to another that will ultimately build a sturdy foundation for a potential relationship. Yes, I want to be pursued in a Godly manner (which requires lots of patience and prayer) but I also want to have the courage to say exactly what I mean or feel at the moment I want it to be shared. I don't want to be shaded by secrecy. It feels so wonderful to have someone who embraces speaking things out loud to one another and intentionally communicates to find reassuring common ground. I can't imagine settling for someone that has allowed room for insecurities instead of establishing the trust it takes to simply, be honest. I have definitely learned this lesson the hard way throughout college but I'm so glad that it is figured out now and so joyful to be progressing forward with someone who values that same trust and openness.

4. I am thankful for accountability. I am thankful for roommates, small groups, fellow leaders, friends, etc. who ask challenging questions. I can't imagine having a growth spurt of Faith without anyone spurring me forward. I have been impacted immensely through the time I have served at camps or churches or organizations or through community service that has continually refined my character and aligned my goals.

Ultimately, I am learning tons of things and relishing in many of the lessons I've learned throughout college. As it comes to a close, I am joyful and reminiscent of the past few years and all of the things that have helped shape me into who I am moving beyond this phase in life to whatever may come next.

I can only imagine...

Grad & Go

I have found myself wandering into rooms, completely forgetting what I need there, doing a few pirouettes (just to prove to myself I still can) and then wandering out, remembering seconds later what I had gone to get in the first place.

I don't want to be wandering about without purpose or memory. I don't want to be dancing beside the very thing that called me into action, then so easily forget it and quickly leave.

This can all be correlated to a quick approaching college graduation, I'm sure of it.

Because when I think of my future it doesn't include a fancy office with my name on the desk or any set thing, really. I've found myself falling more and more in awe of the unpaved path, of getting away to do something unusual, of rebelling against everything society tells us we should 'find in college' to explore something greater, instead.

I want to be far away from here, or close, or wherever I may be called to go with the reason I went in the first place in the forefront of my mind, perfectly clear. I want to be in tune with the mountains God is moving all around the world, to be part of His motion, and to be completely aware of the fact that although I have limitations--He does not.

I simply want to graduate & go...in the sweet name of Christ.

I want to learn about the world in order to learn about my Maker.

He promises unimaginable glory & He prevails & I am so glad He does.

Take This Life

Since I went on a Summer Project Mission to Asia, my life has not been the same.

In fact, I remember so clearly the excitement of running through various airports or being delayed 10 hours on our journey there; Tickets, security lines, bag checks, passports, international identification questions, rolling suitcases, changing currency, the fear of forgetting something. I remember it all like it was yesterday. How none of it  seemed real, even as we embraced the moment our plane landed on this foreign soil and we were able to walk straight out of the plane onto the ground, into the smoggy air we had been warned about & I couldn't even tell. It didn't smell awful to me. It was different, that was expected, but it was so wonderful. I relive many moments had there over and over in my head, just to keep them close and fresh to me.

I have said several times in this blog and I'll never stop saying that I fell in love with that country, with that culture, with so many things in my time spent there. I cried the night before we left our city and headed to debriefing and my eyes glistened again leaving for good a week later. I didn't want to come "home".

And most days, I still don't want to be here. I want to be somewhere far away where I don't know anybody. Somewhere I am forced to learn new things, meet new people, and embrace new culture. A place I don't have to intentionally get away from what seems comfortable or routine to me because it is my only choice. I want to explore territory that is unknown to me and share with others a brand new journey. That has become my dream as I get older. I have strayed away from thoughts of settling down and closer to the "risky" side, the side that may initially seem to lose much more than it gains, but only if you choose to see it that way.

I have found myself slowly creating wedges between my attachment to things here, beginning the process of letting them go since I will soon, surely, be gone. Maybe I'll look back on my days spent in Aggieland or Austin or any little town I've lived along the way, reminiscing over my time there, too, or maybe not.

Upon my return, I had lots of affirmation in the direction of my life. The Lord used really neat outlets to speak to me, preparing me for the place I stand now, about to enter into the world on my own. I know He has plans for me and I can hardly wait to see where they will take this life.

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.

Proverbs 19:21

Moments of Treasure

Treasures don't always approach the way we anticipate them to.

An ordinary man walks into an office in hopes of fulfilling obligations by turning in necessary paperwork but sits and stays to join in conversation about Faith, small joys in life, childhood memories, future plans, etc..

The man stayed until the female office worker had completed her tasks for the day and could proceed to leave.

As she headed to the sink in a nearby break room to wash out the sugar-stained bottom of her oversized coffee mug, he took advantage of the brief seconds he had alone to write his contact information.

As the woman walked back into her office, he presented her with the bright neon colored sticky note and told her he planned to intentionally keep in touch. He then expressed his hope for her to end up somewhere near the city in which he just accepted an engineering position, upon her own upcoming college graduation. 

The girl was in a content season of life. She had endured her share of dead-end relationships and was not in a rush to get intimately acquainted with another. So while she accepted his gesture of friendship, she was weary to believe it was anything beyond exactly that.

They walked out together. He held open the door and she thanked him, just as she would with anyone else.

He offered her a ride to her car and she cheerfully accepted, wishing to avoid the nearly mile walk back to her designated parking lot. He handed her a helmet and told her to "hold on". Despite her fear of motorcycles, she hopped on anyway and enjoyed the ride. Her squeals of excitement could be heard around campus.

As the two approached her car, they got off and entered into some small talk, avoiding every reason to say goodbye. Eventually, the heat of the sun caught up to them and forced their paths to part. The man confronted the moment for exactly what it was: Odd. It felt completely unnecessary to say goodbye when every part of one's being wanted the opposite.

As she began fumbling through her bag for her keys, he gently pulled her into his embrace, rested his chin on her head, and hugged her tight. The moment lingered into longer, until they let go and with a glance that said what neither one could, they continued their days separately.

Curiosity became the elephant in each situation throughout the concluding day until it was nearly nightfall. The two decided their time together for the day could possibly continue if they decided on plans for the evening. Ideas were thrown around until it began getting late and sleep entered each of their sleepy minds.

Though, it felt like one of those nights that shouldn't be wasted. So, hammocking (I've made this term into a verb) in a local park was the perfect pick. They settled on a time to meet and she called for directions too many times.

As they caught up again, they hung each of their hammocks in nearby trees and nestled into them. The breeze was chilling as they cuddled into their blankets. They spent the night a few trees away from each other, entering into quiet debates about what it means to have Faith, God's divine intervention, how much we really won't know on this side of eternity. They also slipped in random questions to get to know each other better: family, divorce, hardships, siblings, favorites, hobbies, anything to keep from shutting their eyes.

Finally, as the moon solely lit the sky, the stars danced into patterns, and the time drifted slowly into wee hours of the morning, they silently fell asleep. They avoided "goodnight" just as they avoided "goodbye" earlier in the day. It felt as though saying that one word were too official, as though no words after that were able to be spoken. So, the lines were left open and a few short comments popped up before sunrise but for the most part they just silently slept, comforted by the company they knew was near and the blossoming connection they were anxious to see through.

As the sun rose, they packed up and parted ways once again. The tight hug, the acknowledgement of a forced goodbye, it all replayed so familiarly.

In life, we have to say goodbyes. I am sure many times we won't want to, we will want the exact opposite but we will anyways. All good things come to an end, some sooner than later, and because of that truth we are afraid to have great moments, at all. Treasures, however, are memories that stay with us forever. We don't part ways with fond memories of little moments, we treasure them.

The moral of the story is, life is full of treasures-- We just have to recognize them as such.

Let them pleasantly surprise us as we embrace them, not go running scared.