Stuck.

Truth is nothing, what you believe to be true is everything.

There are no other words but darkness from my perspective of life right now. I feel like I've stumbled into this deep, dark pit & I'm screaming to get out & people hear me, they come running but instead of helping, they walk to the edge, peer in and say every word to knock me down just enough to make sure I stay there. My strength is drained. My smile is weak. My motivation is running on empty. Maybe I am being completely broken down for a reason, to start from scratch. Maybe there is a reason I feel the need to let absolutely everything go, whether I thought I wanted it or not, longterm. I can't have options now. I cannot want. It's not my life, not my plan.

Now I'm exhausted. I'm just laying in the cold, moist soil, wishing to get out but not moving an inch. I'm just laying still, listening and hearing everything except the message those voices are drowning out, "You're critical" it resounds in my head. & whenever I think or write or say anything I think I'm critical. Too often I let the things other people tell me be internalized & it ruins me to them, it ruins the perception I believe they have of me. Once I'm aware of something, I can't escape it, just like the feeling this pit gives me- no escape.

I think I'm dreaming, maybe. Or maybe I'm not dreaming at all because when I wake up I don't feel any better & I still haven't moved. I'm still stuck in the exact same place I've dreamed of fleeing.

I hear my mom telling me to get up and do something for myself. She tells me I put too much emphasis on things like graduating on time & who cares if I here stay longer.

But
the thing is....
I care.

I care about things that may not matter to anyone else. My dreams have outgrown this town, yet I stay in hopes that it will be for a reason someday. I'm running and not talking a step, going nowhere fast.

I'm stuck in insecurity, in fear, in shock, in feeling as though God is ruining all of the plans I've made to teach me which plan to really depend on.

"Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

Matthew 17:20

...Jesus? He is light & only He illuminates this dark-feeling path of mine, little by little, step by step, until one day I'll join Him & discover it all. Until then, I pray my faith in His plan will grow bigger than that tiny mustard seed and that He will be my only escape from this pit in life.

I pray He carries me whenever I feel stuck. & I pray that His voice commands the others to silence & that again, I will listen & internalize what it says of me.