"No"

I can count on one hand the times I haven't gotten something I've wanted.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm told no all day long.
College tells me I have no job security after college with a liberal arts degree.
Society tells me that with no significant other, no size zero jeans & no huge salary, I am of no value.
Organizations turn elections into popularity contests, telling qualified, less recognizable applicants no all the time. We are shallow, sinful creatures. We don't care about hurting people's feelings. We say no for fun, for laughs, & occasionally, to seriously stop things from escalating. No is a widely used term that very rarely feels good to hear.

Growing up I was always involved in things. It seemed that no matter what I would tryout to do, I would make it and excel. I participated in choir, cheerleading, soccer, softball, dance, 'spellinators', student council. I held various offices within various organizations. I loved to serve people but more than anything I loved the title I gained with each of these. I loved being a member of something. I loved being a leader. I loved saying I was in a leadership position.

As I entered college, however, things began to change. I was admitted into various universities & my number one choice, Texas Christian University (TCU) gave me little to no scholarships or funding. I had to regretfully relay my "no" in response to their admittance letter.

This was only the beginning of the no game my life would begin to play on me.
It didn't matter if I was saying no or receiving it, it hurt.

I ended up at Texas A&M Corpus Christi applying for a membership in THE extremely selective Honors Program & after a strenuous application process I was invited into this exclusive club. I loved our Honors lounge and that I had a special swipe card to access cool places around campus that others could not. I loved the free printing & more than anything, I loved having that not so subtle "Honors Program Cohort 4" under my automatic email signature. I soon realized how many no's you still got once you've been inducted into something like this program-- No freshman grade exclusions (that was unheard of!), no room for mistakes or 'slip-ups', no forgiveness for a low exam grade. You either made the grades, made the time, made the meetings or you were discharged, no exceptions. It was really tough! Plus, after I had obtained that title I went searching for the next one that I thought would some how make me feel complete. I decided then that I wanted to transfer somewhere I considered "more prestigious", somewhere more exclusive as a whole. I had the best of what TAMUCC had to offer me and once I got it, I wanted more.

Sometimes I'll catch myself saying I transferred to the College Station campus because I loved the atmosphere, the traditions, the uniqueness, the change of scenery. The truth is, I thought I had outgrown Corpus. I had never even toured Aggieland before I applied. I had visited friends a few times, caught a few football games & seriously, didn't understand the yells or terms they deemed normal here, it freaked me out a little & I was not fond of making a fool of myself by screaming something that had no understandable meaning to me. I transferred because I was striving for another label 'Aggie'. And I got in, again.

As the avid followers of this blog or close friends of mine know, I ended a pretty serious, long-term relationship because once I got my eyes set on something bigger than myself, for a change, I wanted to say no to everything stealing my attention away from it. Then it was in my power to say no. I can't imagine the hearts I hurt in this learning process. I said no to every eye that took a second glance because I was in such a broken place that only the Lord could save me from myself.

Ultimately, to wrap this up, no's hurt but
God never tells me no.
He tells me yes. He provides & guides & comforts.
He tells me to be patient because He has something better in store.
He tells me not yet.
He makes promises then gives me hope for an eternity of Him fulfilling those promises.
He doesn't offer a label to follow Him, He offers a lifestyle & I desperately want that more than anything else. I won't say "no".