There was a time that I seriously couldn't comprehend the fact that Christian men would disappoint me. For some reason I made these God fearing men out to be these perfect creatures that I could never deserve. I was wrong. Christians are sinners, we all are. But at the end of the day we have Jesus as a sturdy foundation. You don't love someone because they deserve it, you give love freely because God did that for us while we were still the enemies.
So while that lesson was 2 years ago, I am currently enduring a new one.
You cannot change people.
Sometimes when I think I enjoy someone I plant seeds. "Hey are you going to Breakaway?" Other than my genuine want to know, I want them to be there. I want every guy to be pursuing the Lord in the same ways I am or more because this is what I think women deserve and I know how much Faith can change your life. Why wouldn't I want all of those around me experiencing the grace and goodness of our God? I want these men present in these Christian communities but ultimately, I can't put them there. I can't pick people I'm interested in and then try to make them into who I need them to be for me. I'm disappointed that I've fallen each time for someone I'm making excuses or exceptions for. I don't want to negotiate. I'm already disappointed and it feels worse to know not all these guys are worth the investment I've wasted on them. I refuse to settle for less but it still hurts having to learn it the hard way.
It's about how you were raised, I suppose. I laugh when I ride roller-coasters, I never scream. I cool off when I'm angry and then communicate. I always want to talk it out, I never want to miss the joy that comes in the morning when you avoid going to bed angry. I need someone that's going to cooperate not just walk out. I need someone that will stick around and make things okay again, not leave everyone feeling disappointed. I need someone that is on the same page and will meet me halfway, but again, I can't force someone to do this and the more I want it, the more I hurt only myself.
I'm afraid of being disappointed and that fear holds me in a place of insecure uncertainty because I don't trust that anyone is capable of not disappointing me.
Certainly, all will disappoint me to guarantee that my focus strays back to the only man who won't disappoint, the Heavenly pursuer who never lets me down. He so often shows me that none of these boys will ever be the perfection I'm seeking. I will be disappointed as long as I look to them for what only a King can give me: perfect love.
Perfect love casts out all fears.
1 John 4:18
No comments:
Post a Comment