I believe it.

Man, I have something really complex to say. It's been beating against these pages for days, racking up the drafts-nothing being finished or published, it's always lacking something. Sounds like my life as of late, actually.

I feel that most college aged women start feeling the pressure of figuring out what they want out of this life & are hesitant to admit they just want to be wives, they want to be mothers, they want to be missionaries or hold down whatever careers, but they always want companionship. You never hear someone with convincing excitement exclaiming, "I can't wait to graduate & spend the rest of my life alone!" We were created to yearn for someone else, I believe it.

I hear the pressure is worse in the Southern states (according to my German friend), I believe this. It's the way we are raised, we find pride in being the binding in a God-fearing, country-style, big starry sky ranch kind-of-life. We want to be the wives that have everything going on, the hot Southern mom, with the dreamy, Godly, successful man. We want to be wanted. We want the rock & the kids, the house, the kisses, the family pictures, all of it, it's not ridiculous. We are more than willing to take on the submissive role in whatever context-- the housewife, the behind the scenes support, because we think that's what it's like to have it all, the perfect life. We have to start young because we're in college, the prime place to meet a variety of great looking, athletic, driven, involved, intellectual, potential significant others & let's be honest, we may never look better than we do right now. We want to be attractive so that others can be fooled by our masked smiles that scream we've got it all together, we are fine alone but we'd rather not be.

Ben Stuart, leading Breakaway's series on Song of Songs- "Dating, Marriage & Sex", says that men are built to have the um, lustful desires? that they do so that they hurry up and come to conclusions about settling down with a girl. They aren't like us, attached women. They need to be yearning sexually in order to pursue something more than instantaneous gratification, to feel a desire to want more with someone. I hope that doesn't sound bad because I believe it, it makes perfect sense to me, probably better from Ben's mouth than mine, I butchered it, forgive me.

I'm glad God created us the way He did. I trust He knew what He was doing & that it was good, it is good, I believe it.

Now, while I do want these things, ideally. I don't want them now. I don't want to be engaged or married or having kids now. I don't even really know if I necessarily want to be in college right now. I want to be focused, whatever that means, on something other than finding a man, yearning for something other than getting ahead of ourselves. I don't want to expedite something that cannot come to its logical ending in the next year or so. It's the awful single stage just out of reach of anything I want. I can't reach the logical ending and I can't go back to the beginning before I started itching for something more, an exclusive companion. It's too late, I believe it.

That's when God grips me instead. I haven't lost in this fight. He's won it already, it is finished. The struggle is in myself, in my determination, in my surrender to His plan for settling down or not, whatever He may have in store, which is much better than what I know to want, I believe it.

I still want that companionship but I'm so tired of thinking it comes in the package of these ill-intentioned, forward, perverted, immature, drunken boys that think it's so funny to talk to women like they are objects made to please them. I don't want it. I don't want to be associated with it & I don't want to like any of them while I'm in the mode of thinking that if we were dating they would act any differently. I am so frustrated.

There is someone out there that is present in these lessons God is teaching me because he is active in a community of believers that hold him accountable to his decisions now & make him aware of how they will effect him later. I won't settle. I won't give into all the temptation throwing itself at me. I don't want to focus on anyone that steals my attention away from pursuing the Lord. I want to be encouraged along the way by someone running this eternal race along with me, that grabs my hand when I slow down & helps me to keep going. I believe this is attainable & worth waiting for.

I am strong & the Lord, alone, is enough for me.
He has perfect timing.

I just pray now that I'll believe it.

My times are in your hands;

deliver me from the hands of my enemies,

from those who pursue me.

Let your face shine on your servant;

save me in your unfailing love.

Psalm 31: 15-16