Unattached.

He is jealous for me

-loves like a hurricane, 

I am a tree

 bending beneath the weight 

of His wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden 

I am unaware of these afflictions 

eclipsed by glory 

& I realize just how beautiful you are 

& how great your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us,

Oh, How he loves...

I'm not sure why but I feel extremely unattached to things lately. I don't even really know how to explain it but to say that being doubtful always pushes me away, gives me a sick feeling and causes me to change my mind, every time- from people, from anything.Those that know a bit about my walk with the Lord know that it has been a long-time prayer to be completely free of doubt when I am pursued in intimate ways because if I'm not, I'll walk away. I have been disappointed by too many crucial men in my life to be alright with being unsure. I need security & reassurance, I think many women feel this way, especially the fatherless ones. It's a mutual understanding between little girls that grow up without daddies, to be fearful of falling for a man like our fathers were. Luckily, we have a Heavenly Father that has a better plan. A man being prepared for us by the greatest Father there is. It's comforting, isn't it? We don't have to worry because this is God's promise to us as fatherless, as women in general, as daughters of a King:

I have been a warrior lately, not fighting the good fight but fighting back selfishness, fighting back doubts or fears I have about specific people in my life. But I don't want it. I'm tired of fighting. I'm ready to let go. I'm ready to just focus on getting to know the Lord on a more intimate level, letting Him fill things within me that I put so much pressure on men to fill. I am setting myself up for disappointment until I can acknowledge that some things only come from above, that's what makes us turn to Him. He is jealous for us, for our attention and affection and desire. He wants us in a romantic way, in every way. He wants to make us whole and then unite us with someone that brings more glory to Him than we did alone. Point is, He wants us even more than we desire anything on this Earth.

But it starts with me. It starts here, feeling empty, with nothing left to offer. It starts with all my dependency upon God, the only one who doesn't bring doubt or confusion, the only one that doesn't change.

I deeply desire unconditional love, I need it!
I can't accept a lowly conditional version as a remedy instead.
I can't ask someone to be God.
I have to let go.
I have to surrender all to feel the freedom in His love.

God, I want you to be all I need, all I desire. I want to be the hands and feet of your works on Earth. I want to be perfectly fine with your love, I sincerely want it to be enough. Please show me that my search ends with you. I have every single thing with you, every good, gentle, sweet, precious feeling love can bring comes from you, I know this, help me intentionally accept it and be complete within it. I love you but I want to know and learn to love you even more. You are more than anything I will find here, God, help me internalize that and live it out. Just put your forgiving arms around me and never let go; help me to let go of all else to just be still there in your perfect love.

I'm clinging to the only thing I have that is a solid foundation for me: my Faith, my Heavenly Father. Because with Him, ridding myself of everything else doesn't feel like such a loss.