Immense Joy from Small Encounters

As I have expressed several times throughout these journal pages, I am praying for trust and complete surrender to God's plan and timing in my life, which leads into my story:

The other day I decide randomly, after weeks of putting it off, that I should probably fall back into the routine of waxing my eyebrows. I walk into a salon I've never been to in my life and see one woman (besides the employees). This woman immediately asks me what my shirt says so I glance down and read it aloud,
"ASC, Texas A&M University."
She asks, "Does that stand for Aggie Sisters for Christ?"
"YES!" I exclaim.


As she begins to tell me of memories of her own experience in Aggieland and in ASC, we fall into a beautiful conversation about love, loss and trusting the Lord.

Without any knowledge of the occurrences in my recent life she tells me about how in college she thought she had it all figured out, I've thought that before. She tells of how she dated a man that wasn't equally yoked spiritually with her for 4 years until she worked up the strength to call things quits her junior year at A&M, though she felt convicted to do it long before then. God? Why is she telling me my own story? Sure, mine was only 2.5 years but it has been all I've known in Aggieland, I knew better. She said she spent the next year learning to trust God's timing in her life, a journey I have recently embellished myself in, and that her senior year, a week before graduation, she met a man and knew it was right. She married that man and God flipped their lives upside-down because they trusted His love and plan for them. HOPE! What a beautiful story for me to hear at this particular time and what a beautiful woman to tell it, someone that has been there, understands and lives the life I desire to have one day.Twenty years later, they are still married and have two children. She was so happy, she radiated of Jesus. I am so thankful to have met Bridget, an Aggie, a Christian, and a small glimpse of Jesus himself into the relevance of my current situation.


Thanks for the reassurance, Lord!

Find the joy in your life, even if it's in a simple conversation with a stranger, they may become a friend.

A Little Place

My devotional today included a poem from another of Pam Farrel's books, 'Woman of Influence' thought I would share.

"A Little Place"

Where shall I work today, dear Lord?

And my love flowed warm and free.

He answered and said,

"See that little place?

Tend that place for me."

I answered and I said,

"Oh no, not there,

No one would ever see me

No matter how well my work was done,

Not that little place for me!"

His voice when He spoke,

Was soft and kind,

He answered me tenderly,

"Little one, search that heart of thine,

Are you working for them or me?"

"Nazareth was a little place,

And so was Galilee."

Path of Desire

Lord,


I have dropped everything to seek you & though I am walking blindly, I see you crystal clear. 


I recently got out of a relationship I've been in for 2.5 years and though there have been times that I didn't know how my life would go on after such heartbreak, this wasn't one of them. This time was different, I wasn't abandoned to free fall until I hit rock bottom, I was caught by my Heavenly Father's loving hands and shown, without a single word that He is better, He is the man pursuing me and until I let Him in and let Him be enough, nothing would turn out well. I would always be disappointed by the sinners of the earth that try and claim a girl's heart as their own.


I have been convicted, as of late, not to date or pursue any intimate earthly relationship for now and for the first time in my life I have personally understood the "peace" people claim to get when they know things are right. I am without a doubt or fear that God has a plan to meet the desires of my heart. I have learned the things He has needed to prepare me for before I was ready to meet a man that I could vow a lifetime to. I have been in the lowest valleys and I have yet to find the highest mountain but I have a certain hope for one and I know my King will not fail me. 


I am just so overwhelmed by the understanding I have right now. I feel as though every decision, every disappointment, every achievement, every hidden desire that I have yet to claim as my own are all molding together to lay out this beautiful paved path before me and I am in awe. I am speechless and I have no words for it. I think I have hit a milestone that doesn't require acknowledgement from anyone else, it is meant to be mine alone, you'll have one too, I'm sure of it and God will be there with you to assure you understand. Maybe He has been there all along waiting for me to get it or want to be filled with Him, waiting for me to finally step up to the plate and be bold for Him like I claimed a year ago I would. 


How many times must He baptize me and let me tell my story? 
How many times will I leave things out because of pride? 


Finally, I have internalized that the desires I have, the person I am, was made in the image of God, Himself. 
I am a woman worth loving, worth fighting for and worth pursuing but my heart is fragile and cares greatly for relationships and seeks out someone to accept it ...but I don't have to. I am a woman, I was made by skilled hands of an artist that makes no blemishes or mistakes. My creator sculpted me not as an afterthought but as the final detail or crescendo in His glorious plan. He created me (AND YOU) as a direct glimpse into the heart of Himself, a mighty, worthy, tender God that is as tough as a man and as caring as a woman. We are parts of Him. I am His and I have internalized that I have no flaw to Him and even if nobody else in this whole entire earth wants to ask me to join them for always in this journey, I am on a journey of my own and am completely satisfied with the truth of my identity and the hope for an eternity that will go on long after this life is over. 

Blank

I am becoming a clean slate. 

I have been fighting the urge to delete things, messages, old love notes, meaningless memories just to get away from it all. I even deleted drafts that never made the final publishing cut to this blog. I'm realizing that dreams I once had are just empty talk these days.

Truth: I have no idea what I want out of this life anymore. 

I don't want to be a speech pathologist. I don't want to be a communication major or maybe I do. I don't know and I don't have to. I want to have time and options. I don't see a romantic future with anybody I know right now. I don't want to worry about dating or past relationships or pursuing new ones. I don't want to be a girlfriend at this point and I'm not sad about it. (Why must we be sad to be free?) I don't want to be the center of attention or someone you write letters to expecting something back. I don't want my name on your lips or for you to be feeling pity on me because you think I'm hurt: I'm not hurt, I'm not irrational, I'm blank.

I just want to get away and be new. I want to be completely fine with the Lord being enough. I want to grow and be changed and never look back.

Life is SO much more than dating some guy or what's on your to-do list today or if you like your new hair cut or not.

I'm only 20 years old, I don't want to be married!!! Why do I put such importance on dumb things and get ahead of myself in terms of "love"? I don't envy the lives of those that already have a husband or kids at this age. It's not the life I want. I want to go back to Aggieland and enjoy college and join a college ministry and a church that I love that encourages me and go dancing and carve my name in the wall at The Chicken. I have plenty of goals and none of them involve anything I've experienced thus far. I don't want to recognize my life anymore.

I just pray that God will become the center of it and let that be the biggest, most evident change of all.

I want to look back and say this:

Offerings

Sometimes what you think you want isn't what is best for you. Lately I have been ridding myself of things in life and it feels GREAT! Maybe another door doesn't open until you close the one you're focused on. I have been putting too many eggs in one basket and when that basket fell I felt as though I had nothing left. I had given too much of myself that when I lost it, I too, was lost. I guess there comes a point when you just have to realize that if you don't withhold anything in love or life you will not have anything to offer when you find the person that wants you forever. What will I have if I offer it all now?

I'm learning to keep some things to myself. I won't be holding an empty basket anymore at the end of this tunnel.

Low

My dreams are coming true, dreams I didn't even know that I had but I'm missing it. There's no time to slow down, I just need one minute to stop and take a deep breath and then start again.

Today was the worst day. This week was the worst week. I have been studying and trying to study and not studying, keeping my mind busy. I have had multiple finals and no time for anything between studying, testing, playing mommy for two furry babies and work. It's crazy, this balancing act of mine.

First, I turn down the opportunity to have a summer that tops the best and most impactful summer of my life at Camp Eagle, a very near and dear Christian adventure camp I have had the honor of serving at and would have again if it weren't for my need to catch up in school due to transferring to the wonderfully lonely Texas A&M University. Now I sit halfway through college still wondering what I want to do with my life and dreading the next two years of getting there. I feel like all my hard work is being washed down the drain.

Now, after turning down another job opportunity that paid a lot more than I was expecting to make this summer, financial aid is stripping me of all government grants and extending "parent loans" that nobody is in a position to take.

So, I have to improvise. Lord, will I always wind up exactly where I belong despite myself and all of these setbacks?

Lost in Lies

I trust God to do a lot of things. I trust His promise to answer when we seek Him out to ask something of Him. I believe there is power in numbers. I believe in the salvation and eternity He promises to those that accept Christ's death for our sins. I believe He will do immeasurably more than we ever anticipate. And I do trust that he is merciful and forgiving when I am completely unworthy of it.

On the other hand, I find it hard to surrender worry, fear, finances, and relationships. I live a sinful life, every single day, my thoughts are sinful, my doubt is sinful, I try and notice and acknowledge it but do I get it all? Why can't I let it go? Why do I feel the pull of spiritual warfare over me, the devil tugging at my sleeve, trying to turn my heart?

I sometimes fall into the pit of Satan's lies: that if I get out of this spiritually lacking relationship with this guy, nobody will ever love me. If I go to work at a Christian camp I won't have the financial need when I return home. Because I made one decision I am no longer welcome to the place I chose against. It's a never-ending string of controversy. And I believe it! I eat it up! And then it upsets me that I have lost the armor of God that strengthens our mind, our thoughts, our hearts for the battles we must face as Christians. I haven't fought the good fight for Christ, I've been battered and bruised against it.

I have had an ongoing prayer for my life in the past few years for God to bring Godly people into my life.

At the end of the day, what kind of man do I want raising my children?
What kind of woman do I want to befriend, holding me accountable?
What kind of example do I want my life to be setting for anyone that may encounter it?
What will I allow the influences in my life to do for the Kingdom of Christ?
What will I accept as truth?
How will I be content with him alone?

But it needs to start with the last thing on that list: being content with HIM ALONE. I need to drop all guards, stripping away all the lies, the doubts, the fear, the worry, the abandonment, the yearning for love and realize that He is enough. He ALONE is enough. Let Him bring people, promise, hope into light. This is my personal prayer and my prayer for you reading this.

If you are weighed down with any of these things: let it go. Pick up the cross instead of resentment, instead of fear, instead of loneliness. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!



Be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with the prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all the perseverance and supplication for all the saints... Ephesians 6:10-18

Pause the music at bottom to listen to this one.