Blank

I am becoming a clean slate. 

I have been fighting the urge to delete things, messages, old love notes, meaningless memories just to get away from it all. I even deleted drafts that never made the final publishing cut to this blog. I'm realizing that dreams I once had are just empty talk these days.

Truth: I have no idea what I want out of this life anymore. 

I don't want to be a speech pathologist. I don't want to be a communication major or maybe I do. I don't know and I don't have to. I want to have time and options. I don't see a romantic future with anybody I know right now. I don't want to worry about dating or past relationships or pursuing new ones. I don't want to be a girlfriend at this point and I'm not sad about it. (Why must we be sad to be free?) I don't want to be the center of attention or someone you write letters to expecting something back. I don't want my name on your lips or for you to be feeling pity on me because you think I'm hurt: I'm not hurt, I'm not irrational, I'm blank.

I just want to get away and be new. I want to be completely fine with the Lord being enough. I want to grow and be changed and never look back.

Life is SO much more than dating some guy or what's on your to-do list today or if you like your new hair cut or not.

I'm only 20 years old, I don't want to be married!!! Why do I put such importance on dumb things and get ahead of myself in terms of "love"? I don't envy the lives of those that already have a husband or kids at this age. It's not the life I want. I want to go back to Aggieland and enjoy college and join a college ministry and a church that I love that encourages me and go dancing and carve my name in the wall at The Chicken. I have plenty of goals and none of them involve anything I've experienced thus far. I don't want to recognize my life anymore.

I just pray that God will become the center of it and let that be the biggest, most evident change of all.

I want to look back and say this: