Well, growing up I had an extremely tender head of long locks. I would seriously cry when my mom would brush it. I would tell her to be gentle as I tried to hold back the tears.
Growing up & moving off to college made me seek out little ways I could bring pieces of home along with me and detangling spray made the list. Now, usually it hides under my bathroom cabinet feeling neglected as I often pick around it to pull forth various other products. But tonight, I took a trip down memory lane and used it. I also washed my hair in my bath water. I remember being young, laying among the bubbles filling my hot tub as I attempted to make myself flatly unrecognizable within it. I would only leave my lips and nostrils above the foamy wet film, all airways clear so that I could stay submerged. Then I would just daydream, run off to some peaceful place that childhood brought me. I'd pretend I was a mermaid, run my finger through my hair- I loved the way it felt so flawless under water, I still do. Tonight I did it all, only a slightly condensed version seeing as I grew much taller than is comfortable to squeeze laying flat in a bathtub anymore. Then I jumped out, found that cute, animated little whale detangling spray and spritzed away, then I brushed it out without crying.
I like to think I'm stronger than I used to be back then.
The truth is I'm not. I am exactly the polar opposite of whatever strong means to me then or now. I am broken and awful and blemished and God would spit my lukewarm trust out of His mouth in disgust.
"So, because you are lukewarm- neither hot nor cold- I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked."
Revelation 3: 16-17
I have had several instances in this single day that have just torn me up in really odd and extreme ways.
In a previous blog I have mentioned my prayer challenge- to turn to God before all else, to keep His way in my holster, always handy & mostly not to cease in prayer. I have been praying more than I have ever prayed in my life. I can see strides in only a few days. I find myself praying about an abundance of different topics but there are some that found their way to my doorstep today that I have yet to deal with.
#1. My work is in vain. I have the absolute pleasure of getting to tutor/mentor many children in various subjects at 2 local elementary schools and get paid for this. It's been such a preparation for parenthood for me. I have learned patience, creativity and most of all not to take myself too seriously. Sometimes the best parts of my day are spent with those sweet kiddos. Children are such a rich blessing in this life, we take their unique quirks for granted. I am often floored by the ways they can make us laugh, teach us lessons & sometimes...break our hearts.
Today, I walked into a usual classroom that I really look forward to aiding and as the fight to get chosen to venture out of the classroom onto the awesome bridge hovering the library with "Ms. Danielle" calmed, I was sent with a student with a special need for attention. I feel challenged when his name is called, I know I must put aside whatever is going on in my life to completely make him my focus (shouldn't this always be the case?). Somehow no matter how the encounter begins, I always get him to come around, (making everything into a fun learning game helps, haha). Anyway, I've worked with this student the entire scholastic year and I have seen much progress and some digression based on his attitude or willingness to cooperate on that particular day so he is very near to my heart when I think of children I've had the opportunity to get close with.
As I dropped him back in his classroom, much peppier than when he was retrieved, his teacher asked how our session had gone & then turned her back to class and politely whispered to me that he was most likely going to be retained anyway so if he wasn't catching on it may not matter. I was completely shocked and devastated to get this news so non-chalauntly. Not only did I feel as though my efforts deserved more acknowledgment than retention but also that this kid deserved to be applauded for his hard work, joy and ability to catch on (even if at a slower pace).
My heart is just aching for this young boy as I walk into scenario #2. I am shamelessly cruel. While this is a little complicated to try and briefly explain, I work in an after school program sponsored by Texas A&M University. I do not work for this after school program directly but I get to go in there, correspond with several really awesome people that do, we just all have our specialties and I am so thankful for the way they so perfectly fit together. The people running the show are all about college aged or closely elder so it is basically just an excuse to run around, laugh and act like children together, it's pretty great. Again, I really love my job.
So, to make a long story short, a really great guy that happens to work there with me asked for my number and I basically told him no, which I felt so completely awful about. I really had absolutely no reason to say no, I'm not dating anyone exclusively, I'm not anything but available and up for a fun time of getting to know each other and seeing where we end up, still, I say no in the nicest way that I can possibly think of to say no. Even writing this is making me cringe. I say no for NO REASON!!! This guy is so funny and easy-going, at least I said no to the number this time, usually I'll give it to interested guys that I know have no chance & just ignore numerous texts or attempts to take me out or get to know me. I'm awful, aren't I? I don't think I lead people on purposely but I know as a woman, I like attention. It's so dumb! I wish I wasn't so selfish and self-seeking and shamelessly cruel. This is honestly embarrassing to even admit. I'm so sorry. Know that if anyone does this to you it's them behaving immaturely because of their own insecurities, it's not you. I hope this is at least relatable and not me setting myself up for public back-lash... It is never my intension to hurt anyone, which is maybe why I wanted to cut this one so short but it seriously ruined my day having to do it.
I hate that society demands men to be all of these cheesy things, asks them to go out on a limb for ladies, to be chivalrous, tells them that good guys finish last and even after all of it, we turn them down & have no reason to justify it. Guys, it's not in vain, I promise. I don't know why girls are cruel because I'm one of them, regretfully.
I leave feeling a strong urge to cry and a strong urge to take a nice long bubble bath and let it go. You already know which I chose, the 'strong' route because I'm 'strong', remember? .... Somehow I made it home, I don't remember the absentminded drive at all.
I put off the bath until after my Aggie Sisters for Christ meeting, Monday night ritual. & man it was good, we sat on the floor in silence, surrounded by beautiful, struggling, vulnerable, supportive women who long to love & seek the Lord with a passion I also strive toward. It's comforting having a common goal, it's not so scary to be broken, to be a sinner. We prayed alone and we prayed aloud. Those girls and that organization is good for my soul. I am encouraged and held accountable in the gentlest ways, it's good.
Lastly, after the meeting on the journey home I find out my dear friend has another family member conquered by death, this is seriously like, the third of her relatives to die in a very short expanse of time. It's been a struggle of my own to see her struggle. 3. I am helpless. I very seldom have the words she needs or the comfort she is seeking to find. Maybe I am just trying to do what God Himself wants to do for her but I despise feeling so worthless. I'm not good at tragedy. I'm weak, I'm fearful, I'm ignorant of the pain of losing someone in my immediate family thank goodness. But it's unfair, it's so unfair for her and to be on the other side of it.
And so, I find my faith lukewarm in surrendering to God's plan, but more than that, trusting that He will come through for me, even when it's in a '$5400's in a month' big- Another blog for another day. But through all my lack of perfection, in all my sin, all my temptation, all my awful, self-seeking, wretchedness, I am aware.
"I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see."
Revelation 3: 18
This is the first step toward the light, isn't it? I know what it means to be refined, to put on the labels of Christianity but I don't want it. I want to be pure and true and honest even when it's hard to admit, I want to be vulnerable to see what's wrong and do something about it. I'm taking action by allowing God to truly win in my life.
"Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent."
Revelation 3: 19
This is the prayer I wrote in ASC earlier tonight, this is the prayer my soul is screaming from the deepest depths of my being to be true. This is my attempt to pray through the hardest trials, staying true to my own challenge.
Lord,
My heart is heavy tonight for reasons that overwhelm me. I know your goodness & I'm struggling to trust it. I cry tears of desperation, brokenness, emptiness- all the world has to offer me. I cry out to you because you are The Living Hope, you promise me an eternity free of the pain & loneliness I find here. I want to find newness in your mercies, power in your Truth and boldness in your example. I thank you, Jesus, for what your life, your death, and your resurrection means for us. I'm thankful for your example of perseverance through trials and temptation. I pray for strength as I face my own. I can't do it alone and I'm so tired of trying. God, please fill me, pave my path, take my heart and give it a passion for seeking you that catches fire and spreads- never ceasing. Don't let this world steal my joy, God. You are the Savior of the world and I am broken, but through you, I am made full. I am loved, I am. I desire for my life to be fueled by your word and evidence of you, not needing my words to back them up- may they not be MY words at all, may it all come from you. I want a faith without doubt, Father. I want to be consumed by a flawless, Heavenly love. I want you whole-heartedly, without hesitance or fear, without turning to you in sorrow or wonder. Rid me of selfishness, jealousy, pride. Make yourself big but be gentle with me, Lord.
It's not spray that can detangle this mess of a life, this mess of a sinner, it's the most beautiful, forgiving, merciful Savior, Jesus Christ. That's it.
He wins.
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