I can remember vivid details from very few encounters I have with people. I was almost saddened today as I tried to recall memories that had long faded and my lack of success.
Phillip & I dated after I had secretly liked him years through middle school and into high school. He dated my friend and she told me details of them kissing behind the church after youth group. I had never kissed a boy. I attended youth group with them and was the epitome of a third wheel. It was a secret that ate me up. They only dated about a month and by then I had convinced myself that it wasn't right to date someone my friend had dated. She moved on really fast, I didn't. He eventually moved away and a year later, I ironically moved to the same place! We kind of rekindled our friendship and eventually it grew into a mutual liking. We started dating and one of the only vivid memories I can think of now is this:
I was at his house as a guest for dinner. We were in his room talking, wishing so badly that we could just be grown up and have some space to ourselves-- everything you wish when you are 15. We had the door shut and I didn't think anything of it. When we walked out his parents confronted us about whether or not we thought having the door closed was very respectable in their house. I was mortified. It had never once crossed my mind the way being alone in his room, behind closed doors may have been perceived. I was a good girl, truly and my intensions were only respectable, yet, I still felt overcome with guilt. I wanted to run out of that house and never look back. I didn't ever want to allow someone to think anything the gaze in their eyes said of me. It was awful, one of the most awkward moments in my life. I learned quickly that I had to be aware of what I was doing and how others would perceive that. I had to look out for my reputation. That is one of the only moments I can recall today. We dated for about 7 months. One vivid memory for 7 months. I'm sure if I asked, he would have a completely different one, for good reasons.
Another one I found myself trying to recall was my most recent boyfriend (now an ex, obviously). I tried to think of only parts when we were dating, none of the on/off business, nothing while I was away for the entire summer or before we were exclusive. I tried hardest to omit the parts we let drag on even after we had called things off, the wounds most fresh. This trial hurt me because I had dated this guy for YEARS & seriously could not think of one moment we had shared. As I thought it through more I could grasp a few but none that instantly came to mind.
The odd thing is I can tell you what I've learned in general, maybe it was the accumulation of many things that were meant to be teachable moments in my life through our relationship.
I can remember the day I told him things were done and how we cried harder than we ever had, tried to push whatever we had based our terms of 'love' on aside and ultimately tried to be honest with ourselves and the limited future I believed us to have. I can remember mopping myself off the floor completely heartbroken, thinking I would never be the same girl after that moment & I'm not. But the lie that seeped in was that I wouldn't ever get over it, never heal, never be made whole without him- that's where I was dead wrong. My life was just beginning, I was just so fearful of the changes I needed to make that I didn't enjoy the beauty of it.
Let me tell you, I needed to learn those lessons to find the beauty in things. I needed to be broken to find the light. I needed to lose what I had to find more. It was a painful process but now, I vaguely remember the pain. Pain isn't a vivid memory for long either. You do heal, you will find the beauty.
Hard times are temporary. We consume ourselves in circumstance until we see absolutely nothing else until one day...we do. I don't know how it happens or why we forget but I know that it's good. I know that we have moments that teach us lifelong lessons for a reason and then they are done. They are memories tainted over time for a purpose I cannot tell you. You will see yourself but in the mean time, hold on.
You will be molded in hard and gentle ways.
You who are young, be happy while you are young,
and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth.
Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see,
but know that for all these things God will bring you into judgement.
So then, banish anxiety from your heart
and cast off the troubles of your body,
for youth and vigor are meaningless.
Ecclesiastes 11: 9-10
Find the beauty and let that be most vivid of memories in retrospect.
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