I'm one of those people that jumps at the chance to be honest about things & in turn, expects honesty back. The truth I've learned is that honesty can either be offered or pried out and sometimes neither is good. It never feels nice to hear hurtful truths, yet, we command they present themselves anyway. We do it to ourselves and then we feel sad about it.
I feel sad about two very different scenarios that played out unlike I expected, in two completely different frames of life. One willingly hurt, the other pried, sad all the same.
1. Two years ago. Long story short: I was on a 'break' from a 2 year relationship to go off to serve at a Christian Adventure Camp. I felt the need to rid myself of any distractions at home to just go out to camp and give everything I had, with a focus solely on the Lord and it was so good. I think, looking back, I knew my relationship at home was over and that God had a much bigger story for my life but I, in rebellion, sin, and undeniably strung up in lustful desires, didn't leave it right away, hints 'break'.
That summer changed my life forever-- more than forever, eternally.
Soon, despite my best intentions to rid myself of boys, I found myself longing to spend more time with one guy at camp in-particular. He was an amazing man of God that was unlike anyone I had ever met before this point. I struggled with rushing into things because I knew at some point I'd have to return home and deal with the guy I'd left there, though I was honest with him about meeting someone else, I knew a conclusion was necessary after an investment of 2 years. On the other hand, I didn't want to miss out on what God had right in front of me there at camp. So, we took advantage of the time we had at camp together, we would venture out to lay under the big, starry sky & spill our hearts out to each other every night. Soon everyone at camp considered us an 'item' but there continued to be this elephant in the room of why I was truly serving at camp & what I'd have to return home to, so I remained technically unspoken for, a single status still remained even when it felt like an understatement. But gosh, I liked this guy. I didn't feel caught in the camp mode or that the high of being completely cut off from the outside world, having absolutely no worries was getting the best of us. I know everything that happened there was real, it was just amplified in a way only two people in this whole world will ever understand, on the terms in which God created people to dive into the soul of another, through Him, through nature, through serving Him and making Him the center of all.
Soon, the summer at camp was coming to a close and the fear of going home and leaving what had been our safe haven for the past few months seemed really weary. We decided that God had a plan and it would prevail, which I still believe. We left without a title but with our hearts full of much, much more.
Let me say right here that I will never be the same because of this encounter, because of the ways God shook up my world that summer and changed absolutely everything I thought I wanted in life. I left camp, left my current university, left my support system of family I was blessed to have living nearby & dove straight back into the relationship I had temporarily stepped away from. I wasn't ready to let go of what was comfortable for me yet, with everything else changing in my life I needed one constant & instead of realizing it was God, I clung to this relationship. Oddly, I don't regret it. I only regret hurting the person I cared for more intimately than anyone else physically at camp. I never intended to fall for anyone, I never intended on making decisions that seemed so long-term, so young. I felt overwhelmed.
Eventually I got out of that home relationship and now I can see, understand, and appreciate why I went back there. I needed closure too. God had used these two separate men in my life to show me what love was, to show me that my identity wasn't determined by a relationship established by either of them and that His plan would always prevail despite my own intentions.
I learned more than I can share on this side of eternity because we don't have the words, our language limits us from expressing life-changing events. I'm glad things worked out the way they did because I wasn't the right person then, I was being molded & it wasn't the right time, a million setbacks all led me where I am now. & now, I'm better & the timing is more ideal & I'm filled to the brim of the hope of love because I've had it within my grasp before and I have a hope for eternity, & the people I've met along the way have been incredibly encouraging in that & I know nothing is in vain.
Yes, there was lots of pain from me & for me along the way but even writing this, I've even forgotten it. The purpose of writing this post was changed as I even thought over memories of the past. I won't even share #2 today. Know that pain is temporary, everything wonderful behind those hard lessons are what will be your driving force in the end & it's worth it.
Ultimately, I'm sad that when we make ourselves vulnerable to people they take advantage of us, they hurt us, even if it's pain we've ask them to inflict by simply being honest, but so glad that God promises the best is yet to come.
For the word of God is living and powerful! It is sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the diving of soul and spirit, and the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intensions of the heart.
Hebrews 4:12
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