Drawing___Lines

I don't know how to even start this except to say,

Sometimes you have to let it be all about you.

There are lots of lines in this life, lots of boundaries we know better than to cross, rules we have established, moral code & there are things we compare ourselves to in order to ensure that we are staying between the lines drawn, to keep us safe, to guard our hearts--because people drew them to protect us, long before we could draw our own.
But then...
There just comes a time in life when you have to put absolutely every else's opinions, dreams, goals, plans, desires, and lines aside to just be. Alone. Figure things out for yourself.

I get attached to people, I hit things off with random strangers really fast and then leave feeling as though I have an obligation to them as a friend, after, which is good. We are called to love on people, encourage them and make them feel as though they are valued. I care for people, I look past a lot of things to care for them as best I can & I love that about myself. But there is also a very stern, distinguished line between caring about someone's wellbeing and caring for them in an intimately exclusive way. This is where things can often get confused. Sometimes, girls like me, the easy-going, friendly ones, are misunderstood. Sometimes people make us out to be flirty, even when we aren't interested in more than a friendship & other times, we are misunderstood because we let fear hold us back (not just us, most people do this one) --afraid to be vulnerable & get turned down, looked over, or disappointed.

I'm stuck more in the fearful stage. I try to be straightforward to avoid confusion or leading guys on but I am also so closed off. I'm afraid of letting people know me in-depth. I'm afraid of ruining the image of who people think I am, fearful that I will disappoint them. I'm afraid of letting someone into my heart, opening up to them, & being unsure, not having it reciprocated, receiving absolutely nothing in return. But lately, more than any of these things I am afraid of losing sight of what I want, forgetting to focus on where God needs me to be by molding myself to fit into someone else's plan, a potential spouse's plan.

When I said I cared about people earlier, I mean in a deep, I-want-to-live-next-door-to-you-to-avoid-losing-you-ever kind of way. I have a fear of losing people. I don't want to lose anyone I care for like I have in the past & because of this fact I can feel myself closing up. I can see that I'm less trusting as I get older and relationships seem to progress faster, become something more... long term. I don't want anyone to get close to me because I have a year left here, then we graduate and this time we don't go home, we make our own. My worst fear now is falling in love and moving away because it's what some guy wanted to do and having to re-figure my life to make sense of how I fit into what has become "ours".

I don't want to leave here with nothing or leave feeling as though much of my time here was spent in vain. I also don't want to leave here with a head full of someone else's big plans and a heart full of desires of my own either. I'm afraid of things not aligning.

Things don't end with marriage like so many people try and make it seem. There is no happily ever after. Sure, you meet the guy, you get the rock, you get married, honeymoon, establish a home base, have a few kids ...that's all, today...what happens when you wake up tomorrow? What happens if you wake up stationed on a military base in Germany & you start to miss your family in Texas?

What happens if I let everything I have wanted my entire life go on the back burner because I want...someone? Does God work out all of these details and use us despite the place we are located? the decisions we are making? Does He know we will move to California, seeking beaches and sunlight but find rainy days and loneliness, or will we in fact, be made full in pursing this? Will we be missionaries that go everywhere or stationed without say in the matter?

I wish I had some answers. I know He already knows this life and that He uses everything for His good, I just yearn for a glimpse of it. I want to bring Him glory by using the gifts he's given me but I know it has to be for me and not anyone else to follow His calling.

I also don't want fear to be a factor in missing out on anything good. See the dilemma?

Where do you draw the line?