It is coming down to crunch time. I have two days at school and three finals left in this going-nowhere-fast Texas town. As excited as I am to get out of here and start a complete new journey elsewhere, I am a little sad and nervous to go.
I came to college gladly knowing nobody here wanting this experience to be anything but high school all over again, yet, still comforted by the fan club of supporters grandparents vastly became living only 30 minutes away. Although, rather than choosing the supportive route I chose independence.
Now, let me tell ya, this 'independence' was not all the glory that it had seemed before that moment. I was living on an island by the beach, sounds like every college students dream, huh? No. Did I mention that I wanted to live alone sharing only a bathroom with one other person? Well, that option filled real fast and there were no longer any suite style dorms left when they got down to the F's of their list. So when I walked into my on-campus apartment with three randomly assigned roommates I had never met before and unlocked my simple 8 x 9, nearly $700, parking lot view jail cell, I felt more lonely than ever.
I found myself being away from this apartment as much as possible. My roommates ( for the most part) had a heart for parties, beer pong and boys. I had a heart for quality relationships, community service and The Lord. I realized really fast that this living arrangement was not only incredibly expensive for the minimal accommodations it offered but also slowly becoming a place of avoidance. The night that my drunk roommates boyfriend tried to break into my room in the wee hours of the morning and then proceeded to barf in my bathroom, leaving it for someone else to clean up was the day I was sure I wanted out.
I called my Gramma concerned for my safety, my bank account and the toll this negative atmosphere was having on my soul. I went to the office, payed $1200.00 to break my lease and moved in with Gramma.
At first, I was a little bummed that I would have to get up even earlier to be on time to my 8 o'clock labs but I soon realized that it was a small price to pay for the nice, new, free atmosphere I was now being invited into. My room grew so much from the apartment living that I even put a couch in it. I had everything I needed here including yummy home cooked meals. Mostly, I felt protected again. This house quickly became a home away from home and has lived up to that title for the past year. Time flew by so quickly.
In the midst of the craziness with roommates and moving, I was taking a 19 hour work load at school, which was also taking its toll. Surprisingly, I achieved an adequate grade point average and squeezed into the University's Honors Program. I had been planning on applying and believed this to make up for the awkward tension that had been created at school due to prior experiences.
Immediately upon arriving at TAMUCC and actually starting classes as a first time student I knew it wasn't the place for me. I knew God had put me there for some reason but I felt as though I had lost sight of the reason for His plan. I didn't know why I was put here or what I was to do. I felt lost. I joined a Christian organization, CRU, (Campus Crusade for Christ), which led me to meet tons of people that I call friends today. This group held me accountable and led me to feel loved and wanted instead of the loneliness I had felt before. The group began falling apart when the adult leaders decided to move on to seminary and the group lost its funding. Everything I knew was falling apart around me and my place at my grandparent's house was becoming more of a hassle to waste gas on everyday.
I was faced again with the question:
Why here, God?
So I prayed and I moved away for the entire summer from civilization and technology and cell phones, I moved to a Christian adventure camp in hopes of changing lives and in hopes of the Lord changing mine. Again, I found more than I had bargained for. That summer was indescribable. It was a summer of trials, overcoming the past and present dilemmas and becoming someone new while making a small impression in comparison to what the Lord did through me and for the glory of His kingdom upon others. I was so thankful for being allowed to be a subtle tool for God. I came back knowing I was being called somewhere else, my heart had new desires and I was READY to be bold.
So, I applied for Texas A&M University and was forced to wait, patiently enduring the trials my current university still plunged toward me. But I was accepted and it was worth the wait to hold that acceptance letter in my hands.
My time here has not been wasted. I do not feel bitter toward my old roomies or toward their immediate reaction to their new independence. I got my dose of being on my own and I am thankful that it became a process rather than a cold-water-in-the-face-at-dawn kind of experience. I am thankful for the people I have met and learned to love and mostly, I am thankful that I don't have all the answers. I am thankful that God keeps His mystery sometimes. I have a small percentage of the entire picture toward justifying my time here but I do know that the Lord had my best intension in mind and He brought me into my grandparents home full of love, joy, happiness and the support He knew I needed at that point in this life.
And now I'm leaving and I hear muffled elder voices talking on the phone about how unfair it is that I'm going elsewhere and how I will be missed and they don't know what they will do without me and how they will *tear* ... support me because it's what I want. All the sadness and sneaking around makes me really sad too. Just packing my room today I was so stressed out that I got uncontrollable hiccups, the ones that hurt and appear so suddenly that they almost make you throw up, yeah, those.
Then I cried. I was alone and I still tried to hold back the tears but they came anyway. I cried because I felt bad for not being able to make them understand the reasons for my departure and I cried because I pitied myself. Mostly, I cried because looking back years from now I don't want to be crying again, wishing I hadn't of missed the opportunity to spend more quality time with my grandparents who have been nothing but honest, brutal at times, loving, supportive and encouraging in my life.
So as I leave I remember the hard lessons I've learned here.
The lesson of comparison between my lifestyle and those that I lived in close quarters with:
One man's faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him. Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.
Romans 14:2-4
The lesson of perseverance:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangled, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
Hebrews 12:1
The lesson of patience:
My soul waits for the Lord, more than watchmen wait for morning, More than watchmen wait for morning...
Psalm 130
The lesson of change:
Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
Jeremiah 7:5-7
The lesson of hope:
We rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, character and hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.
Romans 5:3-5
The lesson of love:
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
Galatians 2:20
The lesson of loneliness:
Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid of tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.
Deuteronomy 31:6
The lesson of faith:
Therefore since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.
Romans 5:1-2
But the greatest of these is love.
I love the Lord and I am thankful that He has loved me enough to give my heart bold desires and gracious enough to fulfill those prayers in hopes of pursuing them. I am thankful for this beautiful testimony of faith and of patience and of ultimate love He has written on the pages of this journey journal and anxious to begin a brand new chapter.
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