Stained Selfish

My best friend is getting married. She got engaged and I found out through facebook before she called. The bedroom that should belong to me at home is now occupied while I'm away at college by an unrelated boy. I am transferring schools and leaving the place that has kept me safe for the past 18 months & some parts of it I'd like to bring along, mesh old with the new, the best of both worlds. Life has been pulling me in a hundred different ways, tugging various emotions as I lie here dully, unchanging.

I've found myself in one of those seasons of life where everything is changing around me, yet, I'm falling behind. I have been praying that my will to seek the Lord would grow, that my interactions with those around me would be instituted with love from above. Yet, I still feel hurt and abandoned and it shows. I feel more upset that I have to let go of good things in my life and let them change, let them grow. I feel more hesitant than joyful. This is because I am selfish. I am sinfully selfish and my life is stained with selfishness in every aspect, evident to everyone, including me.

'Come now, let us reason together,' says the Lord. 'Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.'
Isaiah 1:18

I like to imagine God and I compromising a conclusion together, like friends. He would sit on his silver lined cloud and ask me hypothetical questions, revealing my purpose in this life. I do not feel anxious when I am speaking with the Lord, He brings a peace that surpasses all of my understanding, adding another point on the track record He keeps on my heart. He tells me that I was not created to have these selfish feelings, that He forgives me before I forgive myself for acting this way.

Then, there is silence. Silence has never been awkward to me but peaceful. I feel the presence of Him close to me but I close my eyes tightly, clinging to that feeling, hoping it will last. When I finally open them I see nothing but the feeling is still there. I still feel at peace and I am completely aware of my forgiveness, the sins of selfishness no longer linger. In fact, the selfish feelings are not remembered at all.

I am moving forward with my life at a slower pace than those around me because it was God's plan for my life. I do not have to keep up with friends or family or places changing around me. I will not be anxious or held back by selfish feelings but rather, I will stand alone in the presence of our great and forgiving Lord letting His plan prevail again.

His offering of peace will bring me joy.