Monday Blues

After today I'll have another Monday under my belt. That's the way I measure things now days. I tell myself the things I have to do one day at a time, then one week is complete and then a month and finally whatever I was looking forward to is here. This mindset started in college only, it worked the other way around. It was spent wishing time would slow down-- wishes of staying up later or longer with friends, more time to study for exams or play around in the library to do absolutely anything to avoid studying for exams or to sleep after exams were over, more time to figure out what I was supposed to do in this life.

Now days, I work and make dinner at home because it's too far to drive into town. I try to stay out of gossip and away from those it usually stems from even when that means running away to just be alone or locking myself in my room with a funny movie. I have this gorgeous ring on my left hand signifying my promise to someone, a promise I'm so joyous to see through but have to wait six long months to fulfill. Being an adult is hard but being in this middle stage of not yet "crossing over" is an even more odd place to be. I have adult responsibilities while still living with potluck roommates. It's very much still like college minus ....all of the things you look back fondly to recall now.

There are so many things I still feel I do not have control of.

I imagined this cute tiny apartment that I would live in alone and decorate however I wanted because I LOVE decorating. I imagined companies would fight for me because I was personable and had fresh ideas. I imagined people would speak aloud the positive reinforcement I desire to hear. I imagined I would still be learning new things every day.

I have to sit still and quiet, surrounded by strangers in a town I will never be familiar with to remind myself that what I'm doing currently is not in vain. God will not leave me walking blindly on my own even when I do not see or understand where I am headed. I will get through this season and the next won't look exactly how I always imagined either but it will still be good and refining in its own way and in the midst of that time, too, I'll be thankful.

Today is only one Monday in a long string of Mondays. They have a bad reputation. Today is not a bad day, it's just one day, soon the week will be over and the thing I am looking forward to will be here.

The 12th Man

In the nostalgia of Aggie Football beginning today, the first season in nearly 4 years I have ever had to witness from a distance, I began the scroll through old pictures, shed a few tears, and let my heart really really miss College Station, TX.

When I think of football, I think of the 12th Man, which at Texas A&M University means the 60,000+ student body that shows up to Kyle Field for games, stands in the burning sun or the chilly rain for the entirety of the game to simply, show up in support. They have names for those who leave early and celebrations for those who stay late.

The 12th Man doesn't end there. It is a unified group of people that know what it is to work hard, to give selflessly, to honor those who came before them. It is a community of people who believe in good works and are always willing to lend a helping hand. Aggieland is full of friendly greetings, new friends, and an opportunity to get a top-notch education.

Aggieland to me was a family who understood the exact season I was in and lived it alongside me.

Now that I sit to explain it, I can't. They told me going in that there was a "spirit, can ne'er be told" I didn't believe it until now. I miss the professors that knew my name and cared about my dreams. I miss the joy of running into Reveille on campus. I miss the sound of spurs on the sidewalk, the sound of Bugle Calls at games, and the sound of immense silence at Muster as names of lost are called for the year. I miss BBQ's that brought former students out, the pond hopping, the roots of tradition, and beauty of a brisk walk around campus at night.

I could go on and on for days at the ways being an Aggie has changed my life. I could tell you how my walk with Christ was enhanced by the sweetest ministries I got involved in there or how after football games we would have lost our voices from yelling so loudly. It was the place that I felt most myself and had more fun than ever. The only place I look back on now when I think of too hot Texas that I would truly consider living again.

Instead, I'll say this, "Aggieland is home" because it's true. I miss it today as football begins again and I'll miss it always.

No Goodness is Withheld

The Lord does not withhold good things.

This was the reminder I write on a thin blue piece of fabric and tied to my ankle as the summer began, our first summer as Glorieta 2.0.  After months of preparation and uncertainty, of joys and hard work, of tears, laughter, and anticipation, summer had arrived.

Quickly seasonal staff trickled into our hearts and before we knew it, we were hugging goodbye, wrapping up final debriefs, watching new friends hit the road.

Now, as this beautiful place empties out, the rain falls, and the crisp fall air blows in, I am reminded that even when things didn’t go as planned or look exactly like we may have thought they would, He is still faithful. The mountains still boast of the work He did/is doing here.

Everything good still flows from Him.

It’s easy while working in full time ministry to recognize the life-change happening all around you, it’s good, it’s necessary. Outside of those humbling moments I had a few personal moments of awe, of change, of grace that I have just now really had the energy to sift through, leading me toward more thankfulness.

Now, I almost didn’t share this next part just because it felt vulnerable and honestly, when things sweetly move me, I want them to be completely mine, unshared. I want, also, to give a glimpse of how faithful the Lord has been in answering a longtime prayer, giving more than imagined, and continually pointing me back to Him so, I’ll proceed.

I know of no good way to start this story but to admit that I am covered with a blemishing past; a past rich in disappointing relationships that have broken me down or stolen from the identity I have in Christ.

I am thankful for the last few years of clarity, peace, singleness, freedom, and restoration. In that time I prayed fiercely that the next person to pursue me would do so with good intentions-- that I would never have a reason to doubt or fear or feel uncertain. Little did I know, that’s exactly what was soon to come.

Now I am entering into another season of life. A season that started pretty recently as I sat on a couch next to a man watching a silly animated movie feeling intrigue creep into the seat between us. That very night he asked me out on what would be our first date. Thank you, Jesus, for not making me wait or worry or doubt if this feeling was mutual. Thank you for his intentionality to boldly ask me and not leave me to wonder.

Long story short, in an odd series of events I met his entire immediate family the same week as our date. I remembered feeling so flattered by how special they made me feel, so touched that he had already mentioned me to them, and so proud to be potentially moving forward with someone who was raised by such thoughtful people. It was hard not to fall deeper into what had just begun nights before after that particular encounter.

In following weeks I took him to the rehearsal dinner of my very best friend. He met lots of people that I care immensely for. Most people made the assumption that we were already dating so we played along. He hit it off so well with the crowd there that seemingly every time he would turn his back, someone would be signing or whispering for me to “keep him”.

We stayed up late giggling and conversing about whatever two people talk about in a family’s not-so-private living room, as he stayed as a guest in our home to accompany me to various wedding events. As the weekend came to a close I think we both knew we wanted to be exclusive. That night he told me things he enjoyed about me and asked if I would be his girlfriend.

This entire conversation I felt so overwhelmed at how good our God is. He makes our blemishing ashes lessons for light. He gets rid of things of the past and makes us new. I was joyous that He had not only answered even the quietest of prayers but also, in better timing and in gentler circumstances.

He is faithful. He gives us the desires of our heart even when we are in the midst of begging our hearts to change their minds instead.

So, when I said “yes” to this simple question I wasn’t just committing to be an exclusive partner. I was saying “yes” to letting my heart become vulnerable to a man I know puts it in the hands of another man; a man who knows me better than I know myself because he knitted me together, wonderfully, beautifully. I was saying “yes” to acknowledging that the Lord has not forgotten the cries of my heart. “Yes” to considering another person’s spiritual wellbeing so that we can glorify our Maker better together than we have apart.

That one word was loaded with unspoken promise and I was glad to say it.

Now, as I consider what this recent role has taught me, it’s this: Godly relationships are mirrors. I have seen my character more clearly in the past few weeks than I had before. When I complain, I am quick to consider the impact it is having on this sweet man who simply listens because he is constantly considering my feelings and wanting to do right by me. I stop out of guilt and remind myself, I need to spend some quiet time in Truth today instead.

This relationship is a mirror because when we share prayer requests or compliment each other, we are each uplifted for uplifting the other. I see myself better—areas I need to grow in, things I am good at, what I do that is caring to others, ways that Jesus loves despite all else & how I can too.

Ultimately, I am thankful that the Lord was not only faithful in providing a partner to understand, inspire, reassure, and pray for me; He provided an outlet to show me His own character and how to strive to be more like it.

He gave me a mirror to mirror His image for me and in turn, build me up to more closely shadow Him.

I hope that you will also tie truth to yourself and let it never flee you.

I hope you have people that constantly point you toward Jesus and that you become more like Him because of it.

I hope you have precise prayers you can point back to that have been answered, even if differently than expected and realize His way is better.

The Lord does not withhold good things.

Lovely But Lost

I see you. I see as you gracefully stroll through life as though you are fine being independent of all else. I see you make everything look so easy, even when you're hurting or confused. You don't have me fooled because I know you. I know where you are in life because I've been there too. I know where you come from. I know what it's like to come from a broken family that instilled so much fear-- fear of marriage, divorce, commitment, rejection, abandonment, loneliness, of absolutely every emotion the world has to offer. I know what it's like to move, to change, to desire running away to start a different life, to not want to ever trust anyone again.

But you have to know this: I love you. I love you without reason or condition. I love you when you're terribly attempting to shut people out, pretending that those who aren't close to you can't hurt you if you are avoiding them. I believe you when you say that you don't believe in God, in any afterlife at all. But...I love you. I cannot make my heart accept or be at peace with your excuses or distance. I cannot sleep at night knowing I will lose you. I am sprinting away from the fact I must acknowledge that you are just that, lost.

You have so much going for you.

You are unfairly beautiful. The kind of beautiful that people take notice of and admire. The kind of beautiful that walks into a room and all eyes fall upon, unable to look away. The kind of beautiful that can manipulate anyone to do anything for. I can't imagine the radiance you'd have if you truly accepted the love of the Lord. I can't imagine you being anymore beautiful than you already are but I pray to see a day that you will be. I pray to see the day that your beauty stops stemming from a foundation of worldy perspectives and starts stemming from the true roots of love and beauty-- the beauty of being cleansed and covered by the blameless blood of Christ, who died for you, paying a debt we have all earned with a punishment that we all deserve. I pray that your beauty will be less about your physical features or your bubbly personality and more about the overflow of goodness because of a God you've decided to put a faith in, your faith in.

Dependence

I decided at the beginning of the most recent summer that I would truly start living out a plea, calling my life's author to do as He will, despite my plans, no matter what exactly that meant for my future. Looking back, leaving things to the Lord has brought unexpected, wonderful opportunities I could have never planned for on my own.

I am constantly reminded of His faithfulness and grace to those who trust Him. 

The kids at work often tell each other, "you get what you get & you don't throw a fit." I found myself wanting to throw a "fit"as I entered into what seemed like a period of silence as I patiently awaited feedback after applying for various post-grad positions. I refrained from the hypothetical tantrum because I knew that He would do as He has planned, despite me, just as I had asked of Him and that ultimately, I wanted His story more than I wanted to write my own.

I started praying for really specific things, a tool I learned in a small group I was in this semester and I started feeling an overwhelming sense of peace about exactly where I was supposed to be.

Our God is a God of clarity, not uncertainty or fear. 

He does not deny us delightful things. He isn't dangling these great opportunities in front of us to make us feel as though we are inadequate. He purposely shields us from getting things prior to His perfect timing so that our dependence on Him grows. 

I closed my eyes, took a step that felt risky, and awoke before a welcoming door that urgently drew me toward it. 

Now, I am walking through, with divine discernment, an excited heart, and a dependence that will move mountains to create the adventure of a lifetime. 

Showers of Faithfulness

As I sit in a waiting period of life I am reminded of a seemingly impossible prayer I had been convicted of and prayerful about a few years ago. I remember how scared I was of rejection, of not getting accepted into this particular opportunity, while simultaneously, trying to fight back joy just thinking forward to potentially getting it.

That time it was applying for A&M. I wasn't guaranteed scholarships or admission, I was promised nothing at all and that's exactly what I heard for weeks-- nothing. I just felt a deep desire to transfer there so, I applied. I can remember playing the what-if I get in vs. what if I don't game in my head through what seemed like a lifetime of waiting. I even bought an A&M window decal and switched it in the company of a close friend. We stopped right after and simply prayed, God, please make this into a reality...but if you don't I'll still trust you, I'll just have to change my car sticker again. But He made it happen. I got in. I remember checking online every single day in anxiousness for news, any news, hopefully good. & eventually, I got it. I was painfully patient and He saw it through. I laugh now and I can barely remember what it felt to wait at all.

He was faithful.

I have not forgotten His faithfulness,

even now

while

I sit again, having turned in all the paperwork, done the interviews, submitted the references, set my heart on one opportunity in-particular but glad for the option of applying to several, just in case.

I have seen doors I figured as a possible future close before my eyes ...but I don't feel hurt. Now I recognize that I had no emotional ties to grad school at this point in time but when I think of ministry, I have joy in hearing back again. I have hope and I can clearly call out the lies of evil that creep in to manipulate certain feelings of fear into my system. I know Truth more intimately than ever before and I have testimony of His faithfulness to me, I am constantly comforted by it.

& I know just like before, this waiting period will be soon forgotten because His faithfulness with flood in again, just like acceptance into A&M, just like always.

And if it doesn't look exactly like I'd hoped it would, I know how this story ends. I know He is victorious and that I am a co-heir with Christ. I know that He is faithful and I have an eternity to look forward to with Him. I know that in the meantime, He will shower blessings upon those who are willing to serve Him. I am willing and hopeful and He will see it through, I'm sure of it.

Sweet Truth

You know when someone says something sweet that catches you off-guard?

I have the greatest pleasure to work for an A&M affiliated program that allows me to work with over 50 elementary aged students as their "Aggie teacher" after school.

One little girl decided to join our spelling group today as we practiced reading sight words who was not in our usually clan. They were all sitting too close to me, some even on top of my folded feet or leaning against my trapped arms. I constantly tell them to back up a little so I can be mobile again but that is not a popular idea there when I am outnumbered rarely less than 1:10. So, without using arms I attempt to direct these huge personalities in tiny bodies to do something productive instead of argue over who gets to sit next to me, etc.

In the midst of this chaos, the newest girl with her sweet braided pigtails, purple rimmed glasses, crooked smile, kindergarten-tied-scarf, childlike giggle, peeks up at me and whispers, "I really like you. You have a kind heart."

For a moment I think the entire world stopped--not only because I was impressed by her choice of words for the mere age of 5, but also because that could have been the single, most thoughtful thing anyone has said to me, ever.

 After lots of sad goodbye's, pleas for me to stay later, and numerous (& welcomed!) hugs, I departed for the day. On the drive home the comment kept replaying in my head. I have always admired the filter-less character of children. They say absolutely anything that they think, whether it is gentle or not. They say it to each other, they say it to strangers, they say it to close friends, and they say it to me.

Just a few weeks ago for drug-free red ribbon week it was pajama day, I jokingly pulled my hair out of it's carelessly tied up bun, waved it around and laughingly asked a few kids if I looked like Sleeping Beauty, to which they shouted, "NO!"....again, no filter.

But now, this.

I end today thankful for truth and urge us, as a society, as people who like to hear positive things--simply, speak truth.

Speak sweet truths aloud. They could make a bigger, more lasting impact than you imagine.

Dream a Little Dream

As I stand less than six weeks away from my college graduation, I keep thinking this is the moment I've waited for my whole life. Taylor Swift says, "it's miserable and magical at the same time" because, well, it is at 22, 23, for life in general...

Then it hits me, this isn't something I simply sat around around and waited for. I dreamed of going off to college as a little girl and consistently worked hard to achieve it despite the odds, despite the hardships, despite any obstacle that stood in my way. I worked hard, constantly prayed, and saw results. I had a dream and trusted that God would see it through to it's completion, which He did.

Now I stand at the end and I think up dreams beyond this dream, of what comes next, hopes for a future. A dream usually feels like something so far down the road and out of reach that it is almost made-up but now this dream is coming to a close and in its wake, opening a new uncertain chapter in life that is very real. That's what dreams do, they grow our character, teach us lessons, and allow us the pleasure and confidence to continue dreaming, knowing that that have the ability to become tangible things.

But the truth is I was afraid the day I walked into Texas A&M & I'll be afraid the day I walk out.

"Sooner or later we all discover that the important moments in life are not the advertised ones, not the birthdays, the graduations, the weddings, not the great goals achieved.  The real milestones are less prepossessing.  They come to the door of memory unannounced, stray dogs that amble in, sniff around a bit and simply never leave.  Our lives are measured by these."  ~Susan B. Anthony

So for as much time as we spend dreaming, let's spend building up firm foundations, empowering those up-comers behind us, and working hard toward the things we believe in.

Then after we've taken part in seemingly impossible things and watch in awe as they are set into motion, I hope random sweet opportunities will take us by surprise and remind us that we have a very small glimpse of a great plan & there is nothing impossible for He who set it before us.

Heart of Nomad

The other day I woke up and I was the eldest age I've ever been, twenty-three.

Now while some of you probably think that sounds young and that I'm being dramatic, hear me out.

Think back to when you were five--you couldn't wait to be six to start school. When you were nine, you were waiting to be ten because it was finally among the two-digit numbers. You couldn't wait to be thirteen, a teenager; or sixteen to drive. You couldn't wait to be eighteen because then you would finally be able to take responsibility for your life ...and your mistakes in that life. After twenty-one, life was measured by milestones: college graduation being the first among them (at least for me).

Somewhere in that timeline there is turning twenty-three. It just sneaks up on you and you feel as though your life as you once knew it, gone. Adulthood quickly attempts to steal the joy of the "college season".

All of a sudden all the dreams I had had for my future were stripped away from me. The car I once took pride in, temporary until post-grad when I can replace it with something newer, nicer, more reasonable. There I was, thinking about adult things.

I can't help but feel that my life is beginning all over again. I am a baby in the world, once more. There is fear and uncertainty and so many scary things, but there is also freedom and Faith and excitement, anxiousness for things I have worked toward my entire life long, to finally unfold as graduation approaches in a few short weeks.

So, I decided that I would do something about this future endeavor. I would sit down and write out my short term goals, my long term goals, the direction I'll pray that my life may go. I'll even write out my ideal financial situation and how I'll make ends meet out there in this world, on my own. Then I'll do whatever it takes to get there. I'll rid myself of all the clothes I've held onto that I "might wear again" but haven't in years, I'll throw away the papers I once needed for class, I'll move all of my belongings somewhere affordable, hopefully with a nice view. I'll keep moving, every single day toward the goals I have written and I won't look back because as soon as I do, my forward momentum will cease.

I'll live each day to the fullest, do things that scare me and go places I've never been. I'll make friends with strangers and call unknown places home. I'll get rid of things I thought I'd have forever and forgo the opportunity to settle down fresh out of college with some guy I knew my whole life, like so many before. I don't want the safe route, the one society says is best. I want my own story and I want the God that knows my nomad heart better than anyone else to write it. I trust that it will be worth while and that one day when I wake up, elder than even now, I'll have one heck of a story to tell.

Hugs, Tears, Ties, & Play

Today started rough with the kids.

During homework time they were very chatty and I had to split several friends up temporarily to get in a solid 30 minutes of productivity. So, I played the bad guy and laid down some seemingly fair ground rules.

"You can sit by your friends as long as you don't cheat, you whisper if you are helping each other, and you are getting your work done."

Not long after the rule reminder, the roar of chatting, yelling, fighting, whining, giggling, etc. started again. So, I walked around and gave "one last warning" before I asked individuals to move to a less tempting area. After the final warning there were a few that had the audacity to get loud and off-topic again so I stayed true to my word and asked them to move.

One little girl looked me straight in the eye and said, "No!" I was appalled. I stayed calm, however, and simply picked up her belongings from the table and moved it to an empty table a few feet away. She sat there and whined a little while before moving. I ignored her plea to stay and continued helping others.

Another teacher had overheard the situation, pulled the child aside after homework time, and asked her to apologize to me.

So, this little girl walks slowly up to me, sits beside me thinking I am naive to the reason for her approach, and starts bawling as she barely mutters the words, "I'm sorry". I gently rub her back and tell her that I care for her and want her to be successful in school, which requires her to be on task during homework time. I tell her that she is a good girl and it hurts my feelings when I know she can behave but she chooses not to. Then I hugged her, wiped her tears away, tied her shoes and we went outside to play together.

Reflecting on the day now, I am thankful that this situation mirrors how God treats me. He lays out guidelines before me, I see them, yet, often trail off, despite. Then I come ashamed before Him, knowing He is disappointed, but He hugs me and loves me and makes me aware of my true identity instead of the giving me the wrath I deserve.

The best part is that He doesn't send me on my way alone after He convicts me of whatever I have done against Him. He comes with me. He draws me near to Him, wipes my tears away, ties my shoes, and we go back out to play.

Life After College

Tonight I started a new kind of class. I was emailed an address that led me to a random cul-de-sac in College Station, Texas to meet other Aggie seniors floating in the same boat as I currently find myself: quickly approaching graduation. We were welcomed into this immaculate home with walls full of windows by an elder couple who kindly greeted us, gave us name tags, offered desserts, then sat us down and encouraged us to share life experiences/goals for our lives in front of the group.

Funny how quickly you open up to people when there is chocolate involved. 

It was incredibly heartwarming to watch the couple interact with one another. They shared the story of how they met, their engagement, God's faithfulness, Army travels, and finally the bliss of the last 3o-something years of marriage. They joked about how the Mrs. initially asked the Mr. out instead of the traditional virtue of patience and laughed about how none of that mattered anymore as we youngins all just looked on in adoration of their obvious bond. She rubbed his back as he spoke of his past and he told us that she "lit up" his life. They spoke fondly of each other, naturally, without trying, and it was quite a sight that touched everyone in the room.

We went around the circle of couches one by one, introducing ourselves and saying why we had signed up to be in this particular study and what we hoped to get out of it.

When it came to be my turn I'm sure I had something witty to say but now, thinking back, I know the reason I have looked forward to this study. I signed up simply to be growing under a couple who has lived through the things they are teaching. I want to hear about marriage bliss or job hunting, or community. I want to hear of the woes and hardships and the live-in elderly mother sleeping in the room down the hall. I want to be told that it wasn't easy but trusting and pursuing God individually and together made it all worthwhile.

So after we each shared vulnerable pieces of our testimonies, the parts of our stories that occasionally have to be pried out of us because we aren't proud of them, we sat silently before a man who told us this:

"As a believer in Christ, you offer the world something special. You trust an everlasting God who will move mountains. You are valuable. I want you to leave this college experience with confidence, knowing we are there to answer any question you may have with honesty and knowing He has great things in store that are beyond what you can ever imagine. Your faith will change the world--leave here believing that!"

Suddenly, another bible study didn't seem like something else on an ambitious to-do-list. This living room became a place of safety, honesty, and encouragement and this couple-- sweet messengers of a powerful God, overflowing to a room full of eager, soon-to-be former college students.

I am so looking forward to the weeks ahead, Wednesday nights in-particular and plan to share as we go through various topics weekly, ultimately preparing us for 'Life After College'.

Stay tuned :)

Gray Spaces

I figured there would be a common trend at this point in my life. That we would all be seriously dating or entering into engagements with others we deemed significant. And while some of my friends are, I believe there is some gray space that is filled with the majority of young women I'm walking closely with.

The gray space has become some of my favorite space to venture through.

It's not a time that you have nobody to exclusively call your own. It's a time to love on many people, to pour into and invest your entire energy into things you're passionate about.

The gray spaces are there purposely to show us that there's no hurry to get anywhere fast, especially when you don't know exactly where you're going. A simple reminder that we don't have to have our lives strategically planned out, that a little Faith can go a long way.

I've spent the past few months trying to be someone who lives up to her own expectations before placing them on others, praying to stop wanting anything at all. I've spent the past few weeks letting someone slowly creep into my heart with silly questions and subtle sly grazes of a hand to a shoulder when we laugh really hard. I've spent the past few days feeling completely secure and thankful that for the first time in my life I am falling for a gorgeous, Godly, intelligent, witty, humble, genuine man without feeling like I'm in over my head or like it isn't mutual. I feel reassured not only in the words this man is joyfully speaking into my life but also an overwhelming assurance that my identity is still firmly rooted in the Lord, His plan, and His Truth more than anything else. As we travel forward learning to grow and encourage each other well, there is no pressure to get to any certain destination, only to glorify God well in whatever season we find ourselves in. & it's sweet & it's worth every day of tough patience to trust God in whatever may be next without forcing it to be so.

So, I encourage you to stop desiring things to find you while you stumble (blindly, at times) through this gray space and remember that there is only one thing that satisfies, one love that will always be true and perfect and let yourself be focused there before anywhere else.

Let the gray spaces remind you that there is goodness in all things and that there are lessons to be learned in this lack of plain black & white.

Don't get ahead of yourselves and just let whatever is present, linger. Have Faith that what is meant to be will reveal itself in the best timing because your God has only the best in store for you, even in time of gray spaces.

Living Now

"Patience is a virtue."

I like to say it jokingly. I like to say it out loud to hear it, myself.

I've got a newfound love for a song. It's lyrics go something like the following:

"Wake me up when it's all over
when I'm wiser and I'm older."

I don't agree at all. I don't want one moment to slip by without acknowledgement.
I don't want to miss this life.
I don't want to miss beginnings of sweet, warm, blossoming relationships.
I don't want to miss the small stresses of college that will indeed become ever smaller in the grand scheme.
I don't want to miss the dares or bucketlists or silly pranks.
I don't want to miss ONE SINGLE laugh or hug or smile.

So, I'll wake up early to be all there, at this point, right now.

I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world.

Don't wake me up later in life.

Let me live now.

Growth Group Credo

Sweet girls,

As the new semester kicks off and we all settle into our individual schedules, I have a few things I want you to know.

You are a valued member of a small group of women. It is a great pleasure for me to get to know each of your hearts and share in life with you as we study Ephesians together. I look forward to the many laughs I know we will have, the "real life" applications we will tackle, and the dynamics that will shape our group as a whole.

I hope that our Thursday night studies are something you come to anticipate with joy. I hope to help facilitate and mold our time together into a safe place that you are free to ask questions without fear of judgement. I pray that you will come to know your Maker by communing with other girls that are actively seeking to know Him more.

I want you to know that I come humbly before you not as anyone special. My identity does not lie in a title that calls me a leader, but in this truth: I was once broken by sin. I have been graciously redeemed by Jesus who paid my debt. I am now someone who deeply desires to serve you in love.

I want to be open to sharing tough things as a means to empathize with you. I hope you will be courageous enough to meet me there in vulnerability, even when it's hard. I hope we can encourage one another, as we are sharpened into more Godly women.

I want to love you well as a sister in Christ, a daughter of a King, and a fellow college student walking in a similar season of life.

I hope you will set aside a block each week devoted to preparation to make the best use of our limited time. I need you to expect to be asked challenging questions, that spur you to dig deeper, that keep you passionately seeking Truth inside and outside of our time together.

Before I ask what's next, I'll ask what's now. I want to know what God is teaching you, what you are struggling with, what brings you joy in life. I hope Emily and I can learn to guide you in your journey of Faith and offer support in any way that we can.

I'm looking forward to getting to know you, getting to mutually grow with you, & to rest in the belief that God is in the midst of doing mighty things and this semester is no exception.

:)

--Danielle

I can't Imagine...

My life has been so full of interesting turns lately, I've felt almost overwhelmingly thankful.

1. I went back to work. Technically, I've been working for the same program for years and continued my office duties throughout this summer but to go back to the elementary school and serve on the front lines of A&M's educational field, is so rewarding. There are moments with screaming children or bullied tears, the need for lots of encouragement and shiny sticker bribery, but I cannot imagine my college career without the confines of those kid-art-decorated walls. I can't imagine a life without the challenges or laughs that kids can bring to lives if we'll simply give them quality time. I can't imagine the compliments I'd have missed ("I always know when you're here, Ms. Fisher, because the room smells good.") or the ways they can break my heart in the gentlest of ways (Overhearing one child rub another's back and tell them not to cry). Ultimately, I can't imagine who I would be without the lessons those tiny contagious smiling people have taught me: patience, discipline, kindness, simplicity, selflessness. So many I carry into relationships far beyond this stage and hopefully onto my own children one day.

2. I am walking in this freedom of transition, the unknown journey between a few months until graduation before then, stepping into "real" life. I can't imagine being done with college, looking back on the place I stand now--how that feels. I have been consciously keeping myself in this moment, trying not to let it slip by too fast. I can't imagine having endured a more full college experience. I wouldn't trade one moment of it for anything else. I'm thankful that there was a plan by a God that went before me and made things good. I am anxious for all He will continue to do and all He is in the midst of doing right now.

3. As I sit back and watch the Lord's faithfulness in relationship aspects, I am completely at peace with my desire to say exactly how I'm feeling, even if it seems too quick or too risky. I can't imagine keeping things that are meant to be shared to myself for the sake of avoiding vulnerability. I want my words to be spoken in a genuine state, in a conscious effort to be an encouragement to another that will ultimately build a sturdy foundation for a potential relationship. Yes, I want to be pursued in a Godly manner (which requires lots of patience and prayer) but I also want to have the courage to say exactly what I mean or feel at the moment I want it to be shared. I don't want to be shaded by secrecy. It feels so wonderful to have someone who embraces speaking things out loud to one another and intentionally communicates to find reassuring common ground. I can't imagine settling for someone that has allowed room for insecurities instead of establishing the trust it takes to simply, be honest. I have definitely learned this lesson the hard way throughout college but I'm so glad that it is figured out now and so joyful to be progressing forward with someone who values that same trust and openness.

4. I am thankful for accountability. I am thankful for roommates, small groups, fellow leaders, friends, etc. who ask challenging questions. I can't imagine having a growth spurt of Faith without anyone spurring me forward. I have been impacted immensely through the time I have served at camps or churches or organizations or through community service that has continually refined my character and aligned my goals.

Ultimately, I am learning tons of things and relishing in many of the lessons I've learned throughout college. As it comes to a close, I am joyful and reminiscent of the past few years and all of the things that have helped shape me into who I am moving beyond this phase in life to whatever may come next.

I can only imagine...

Grad & Go

I have found myself wandering into rooms, completely forgetting what I need there, doing a few pirouettes (just to prove to myself I still can) and then wandering out, remembering seconds later what I had gone to get in the first place.

I don't want to be wandering about without purpose or memory. I don't want to be dancing beside the very thing that called me into action, then so easily forget it and quickly leave.

This can all be correlated to a quick approaching college graduation, I'm sure of it.

Because when I think of my future it doesn't include a fancy office with my name on the desk or any set thing, really. I've found myself falling more and more in awe of the unpaved path, of getting away to do something unusual, of rebelling against everything society tells us we should 'find in college' to explore something greater, instead.

I want to be far away from here, or close, or wherever I may be called to go with the reason I went in the first place in the forefront of my mind, perfectly clear. I want to be in tune with the mountains God is moving all around the world, to be part of His motion, and to be completely aware of the fact that although I have limitations--He does not.

I simply want to graduate & go...in the sweet name of Christ.

I want to learn about the world in order to learn about my Maker.

He promises unimaginable glory & He prevails & I am so glad He does.

Take This Life

Since I went on a Summer Project Mission to Asia, my life has not been the same.

In fact, I remember so clearly the excitement of running through various airports or being delayed 10 hours on our journey there; Tickets, security lines, bag checks, passports, international identification questions, rolling suitcases, changing currency, the fear of forgetting something. I remember it all like it was yesterday. How none of it  seemed real, even as we embraced the moment our plane landed on this foreign soil and we were able to walk straight out of the plane onto the ground, into the smoggy air we had been warned about & I couldn't even tell. It didn't smell awful to me. It was different, that was expected, but it was so wonderful. I relive many moments had there over and over in my head, just to keep them close and fresh to me.

I have said several times in this blog and I'll never stop saying that I fell in love with that country, with that culture, with so many things in my time spent there. I cried the night before we left our city and headed to debriefing and my eyes glistened again leaving for good a week later. I didn't want to come "home".

And most days, I still don't want to be here. I want to be somewhere far away where I don't know anybody. Somewhere I am forced to learn new things, meet new people, and embrace new culture. A place I don't have to intentionally get away from what seems comfortable or routine to me because it is my only choice. I want to explore territory that is unknown to me and share with others a brand new journey. That has become my dream as I get older. I have strayed away from thoughts of settling down and closer to the "risky" side, the side that may initially seem to lose much more than it gains, but only if you choose to see it that way.

I have found myself slowly creating wedges between my attachment to things here, beginning the process of letting them go since I will soon, surely, be gone. Maybe I'll look back on my days spent in Aggieland or Austin or any little town I've lived along the way, reminiscing over my time there, too, or maybe not.

Upon my return, I had lots of affirmation in the direction of my life. The Lord used really neat outlets to speak to me, preparing me for the place I stand now, about to enter into the world on my own. I know He has plans for me and I can hardly wait to see where they will take this life.

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.

Proverbs 19:21

Moments of Treasure

Treasures don't always approach the way we anticipate them to.

An ordinary man walks into an office in hopes of fulfilling obligations by turning in necessary paperwork but sits and stays to join in conversation about Faith, small joys in life, childhood memories, future plans, etc..

The man stayed until the female office worker had completed her tasks for the day and could proceed to leave.

As she headed to the sink in a nearby break room to wash out the sugar-stained bottom of her oversized coffee mug, he took advantage of the brief seconds he had alone to write his contact information.

As the woman walked back into her office, he presented her with the bright neon colored sticky note and told her he planned to intentionally keep in touch. He then expressed his hope for her to end up somewhere near the city in which he just accepted an engineering position, upon her own upcoming college graduation. 

The girl was in a content season of life. She had endured her share of dead-end relationships and was not in a rush to get intimately acquainted with another. So while she accepted his gesture of friendship, she was weary to believe it was anything beyond exactly that.

They walked out together. He held open the door and she thanked him, just as she would with anyone else.

He offered her a ride to her car and she cheerfully accepted, wishing to avoid the nearly mile walk back to her designated parking lot. He handed her a helmet and told her to "hold on". Despite her fear of motorcycles, she hopped on anyway and enjoyed the ride. Her squeals of excitement could be heard around campus.

As the two approached her car, they got off and entered into some small talk, avoiding every reason to say goodbye. Eventually, the heat of the sun caught up to them and forced their paths to part. The man confronted the moment for exactly what it was: Odd. It felt completely unnecessary to say goodbye when every part of one's being wanted the opposite.

As she began fumbling through her bag for her keys, he gently pulled her into his embrace, rested his chin on her head, and hugged her tight. The moment lingered into longer, until they let go and with a glance that said what neither one could, they continued their days separately.

Curiosity became the elephant in each situation throughout the concluding day until it was nearly nightfall. The two decided their time together for the day could possibly continue if they decided on plans for the evening. Ideas were thrown around until it began getting late and sleep entered each of their sleepy minds.

Though, it felt like one of those nights that shouldn't be wasted. So, hammocking (I've made this term into a verb) in a local park was the perfect pick. They settled on a time to meet and she called for directions too many times.

As they caught up again, they hung each of their hammocks in nearby trees and nestled into them. The breeze was chilling as they cuddled into their blankets. They spent the night a few trees away from each other, entering into quiet debates about what it means to have Faith, God's divine intervention, how much we really won't know on this side of eternity. They also slipped in random questions to get to know each other better: family, divorce, hardships, siblings, favorites, hobbies, anything to keep from shutting their eyes.

Finally, as the moon solely lit the sky, the stars danced into patterns, and the time drifted slowly into wee hours of the morning, they silently fell asleep. They avoided "goodnight" just as they avoided "goodbye" earlier in the day. It felt as though saying that one word were too official, as though no words after that were able to be spoken. So, the lines were left open and a few short comments popped up before sunrise but for the most part they just silently slept, comforted by the company they knew was near and the blossoming connection they were anxious to see through.

As the sun rose, they packed up and parted ways once again. The tight hug, the acknowledgement of a forced goodbye, it all replayed so familiarly.

In life, we have to say goodbyes. I am sure many times we won't want to, we will want the exact opposite but we will anyways. All good things come to an end, some sooner than later, and because of that truth we are afraid to have great moments, at all. Treasures, however, are memories that stay with us forever. We don't part ways with fond memories of little moments, we treasure them.

The moral of the story is, life is full of treasures-- We just have to recognize them as such.

Let them pleasantly surprise us as we embrace them, not go running scared.

Imperfect

Right before I start writing a new blog entry I usually have some idea as to what it will be about and try to loop it into saying something I believe to be true about life, love, or Faith. I always think that in order to establish credibility, I'll need to incorporate a bible verse or two, the basics. The more I write or ponder whatever topic I'm aiming for, the more it usually changes direction and doesn't look at all like I'd initially anticipated. I usually come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what exactly it says because it was written by a determined soul seeking Jesus, typed with hands desiring to serve Him well, and ultimately brainstormed by a woman caught between an ugly world and a perfect God. So, it's okay for words to be thrown along this page, imperfectly because I am imperfect but He is good & uses me despite myself.

Oh, to let what matters, matter and to let what doesn't fade away.

Speaking Up

I'll be the first to admit I don't have my entire life figured out.

I'll also say that everyone who said you have to by the end of college, is incredibly wrong.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is let go of all the expectations of where you should be in a particular season of your life and just enjoy it, no matter what. Let go of the limitations society places on you. Don't be confined by other people's dreams for your life.

The most beautiful feelings come from discovering life lessons on your own.

Recently, I've learned to say what I mean and appreciate when others do the same:
The other day I was in a pencil skirt (typical office attire), had taken my shoes off, hair falling into my face as I strained to stand on my tippy-toes to dig through a filing cabinet at work, intensely searching for something when a friend walks into my office and simply says, "You look so pretty right now" before I had a chance to even notice his presence. We both laughed and quietly thought, saying what you are truly thinking should be that easy. I loved how he came in and quickly squashed the potential tension of unspoken words by simply, saying them. Plus, his statement put a smile on my face. The simplicity of the whole situation makes me laugh again just thinking about it.

Society tells us all day to protect ourselves, to keep secrets, to do all these silly things that have us digressing in relationships and afraid to be vulnerable. I disagree.

Yes, you should have a filter and not carry on with Godless chatter for no reason but there is beauty in communication-- expressing yourself, knowing someone understands how you feel, and giving others the freedom to do the same. There is a sweetness in being vulnerable with people who share your values, with people you want to be walking closely with. There is joy in having a community while on this journey of Faith, people to confide in.

I vividly remember something I first heard in 2010: Speak only what love requires.

& I've come to the realization that love involves speaking kind words of encouragement, reciprocating story-telling that will leave you occasionally vulnerable & it's risky...

...but every great thing takes risk.

So, while I'm admitting to not having my life entirely figured out, I also don't feel like I have to. We have this awesome ability to speak and when it is used to build others up, make them smile, tell them they look pretty, to grow in healthy vulnerability, it is worth the risk.

All of a sudden, the little moments that accumulate into a lifetime, seem overwhelmingly happy, even standing at the end of my college career with no solid idea for what comes next. I know there will be many lessons, risks, and ultimately, lots of unknown territory ahead. I look forward to enjoying whatever comes, at whatever time, in whatever fashion because my expectations are fleeting and my contentment is growing and I trust He will be Faithful, no matter what, even if it comes in the form of a small compliment from a sweet co-worker in an ordinary office-- He speaks joy into motion.

He speaks.