Fullness

I have tried multiple times to write about the ways I have been changed in Asia this summer. I have written and rewritten and deleted letters I have meant to send out to those that helped support me or prayed for my team, yet, still nothing. My cursor still blinks, mocking my wordless mind. I promise they will come and you will hear from me again. He just did so much through us and in us that it's hard to summarize such a big occurrence. Just know that we prayed to see fruit and that's exactly what happened. 

And now, as I am quietly sitting, processing the lessons I've learned and acknowledging the season He is just beginning in my life, I am simply content. I don't want for anything. I have been much more willing to set myself aside to say things that reflect His attitude rather than my own. 

I realize now how small I am in the grand scheme & thankful that He uses me anyway, even when that is the last thing I deserve.

I am full of Faith.

I am full of joy and patience.

I am full of love.

I am full of Him.

I am full & I am brimming with His mercy because I need it, every single day.

& it doesn't matter if I'm anxious or wordless because He gently calms my heart by whispering, 

"just trust me." 

It is sweet, my friends. He is alive and He is sweet.

I hope you are constantly seeking out quiet places to just linger in His creation & hearing what He is whispering into your own heart. 

Back to America

Well, I'm home. I have thought about what I was going to say here for weeks and now as I write it, I have no idea where to start. 

I had the opportunity to fly halfway around the world and share the Gospel in a place that forbids organized religion. I was teamed up with 12 other Aggies that I didn't know well, raised thousands of dollars, and went on a trip that I thought would change people's lives. I learned really quick how much it wasn't about me, how nothing I did was going to make a difference but that the ways I would allow the Lord to work through me would mean everything. Well, I was willing & He worked in amazing ways. Those 12 Aggies quickly became my family, the smoggy skies of East Asia started feeling familiarly comfortable & the hundreds of people we met, friends- some, eternal siblings. It's sweet to my soul to even ponder the things we have endured these past few months. I am so incredibly thankful I can barely find the words.

I am still processing through the many lessons I learned while overseas this summer but I can positively say, without a doubt, I am changed. My understanding of the Gospel has been simplified and sharable. My fears of judgement turned into urgency. My perspective broadened. I don't think I expected my life to undergo such radical transformation in the 6 weeks abroad as it did.

I'm thankful for getting to know the Lord in a different context and for all the ways He is still growing me. I am thankful that He is not an "American God" and that He is evident all over this earth and beyond.

Stay tuned.

Overseas Glory

It's crazy to think I started the "10 day" countdown for our Summer Project Mission over a week ago. On Friday, this week, I will head to Dallas for a 'briefing' collecting last minute details, finally establishing exactly what city/ies I'll be in for the majority of the summer & spending the night in a comfy Hilton Garden Suite Hotel bed before the international dorm life engulfs us. I'm not sure exactly what briefing will look like but I know as soon as I walk in, my access to the Internet or cellular device will be omitted, which I'm not bothered by at all. I'm glad to have a break from distractions. I'm glad to have the communication barriers taken out of the equation to just go, experience the culture first-hand & ultimately, get to live life with those around me. I love to spend quality time with people. I love to love on people in person, I'd choose that any day.


I'm not an advocate for cell phones and texting at all, the more I think about it. I've most enjoyed my summers without them, outside, throwing out the static to really be still before and hear from God. I'm looking forward to that. Maybe I'll be less dependent on mine when I return, I'm looking forward to that as well.

In the wee hours of Monday morning I will be flying halfway across the world. I'm not nervous, really. I'm excited. I'm encouraged. I can't believe this is real.

I love my team. They say we will be family upon our return but in certain ways I already feel strong ties with them. We have already been through trials and hardship, joy and overwhelming happiness, we have grown together spiritually, ate some really great BBQ & prayed hours together. It's almost as though we can foresee the ways God is going to change our lives this summer and know coming out of it that to fully understand it is to have experienced it, that mutual experience under our belts will change us, grow us, establish some firm, unbreakable ties.

As the countdown turns to single digit numbers, I am also reminded of some things we will face that will not be easy. Language barriers. I really hope that everyone we meet can understand enough English to grasp what we are trying to show them. I pray against any confusion or misunderstanding. I pray nobody gets by without hearing the Truth, that it isn't because of language variances that we can not communicate.

There are other things as well: safety, traveling, jet-lag, cultural adjustment, the hearts of those we will meet, ...so much. Be praying, please.

This entire process, thus far has truly brought to light many flaws in my character. Pride, selfishness and ignorance. I am confident, however, that God makes all things new & that from the ashes of my life, he will bring treasure. Through this summer project, through the people He has selected to go, to serve Him in this context, there will come light & Truth & salvation.

& to Him will be the glory.

Fullness of Christ

Frederick Beuchner writes, 

"The place God calls us to be is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."

I leave in a little over a week to fly to the opposite side of the world to one of the most unevangelized places in the world to spread some Truth about the gospel, possibly even talk about it for the very first time in someone's life. 

I don't know what to say but that my eyes have already been opened through our various mission trainings, getting to commune with students who have gone before, and ultimately having the Lord working on my heart in preparation for what is to come. I have a deep desire to just speak love and tenderness into the darkness of people's lives. I can't wait to find out what makes them really joyful and relate that back to the Maker who loves them. Or tell them they are valued and that God transforms us and makes us completely new, even in the midst of our lowest valleys. I cannot wait to tell someone they don't have to do it all alone & that when it feels overwhelming all they have to do is be still and know God is there with them, not to fear. I want to witness change & beauty & redemption.

I may not be going to a place where people are starving or impoverished but I am going to Asia, where people are hungry for something they might not even know will sustain them, an everlasting God. I want to see a mouth say for the very first time that they believe what I am sharing with them and that they are made glad in this news. 

I pray that God will transform lives overseas this summer but also that He will renew mine. I want my life to look radically different after serving Him in this context. I pray that the anxious excitement that is bubbling up inside of me about this trip will only be the beginning of what is still in store. 

I want to feel deep gladness made complete in a hungry place & I hope that in the process we will leave it a little less empty.

"No"

I can count on one hand the times I haven't gotten something I've wanted.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm told no all day long.
College tells me I have no job security after college with a liberal arts degree.
Society tells me that with no significant other, no size zero jeans & no huge salary, I am of no value.
Organizations turn elections into popularity contests, telling qualified, less recognizable applicants no all the time. We are shallow, sinful creatures. We don't care about hurting people's feelings. We say no for fun, for laughs, & occasionally, to seriously stop things from escalating. No is a widely used term that very rarely feels good to hear.

Growing up I was always involved in things. It seemed that no matter what I would tryout to do, I would make it and excel. I participated in choir, cheerleading, soccer, softball, dance, 'spellinators', student council. I held various offices within various organizations. I loved to serve people but more than anything I loved the title I gained with each of these. I loved being a member of something. I loved being a leader. I loved saying I was in a leadership position.

As I entered college, however, things began to change. I was admitted into various universities & my number one choice, Texas Christian University (TCU) gave me little to no scholarships or funding. I had to regretfully relay my "no" in response to their admittance letter.

This was only the beginning of the no game my life would begin to play on me.
It didn't matter if I was saying no or receiving it, it hurt.

I ended up at Texas A&M Corpus Christi applying for a membership in THE extremely selective Honors Program & after a strenuous application process I was invited into this exclusive club. I loved our Honors lounge and that I had a special swipe card to access cool places around campus that others could not. I loved the free printing & more than anything, I loved having that not so subtle "Honors Program Cohort 4" under my automatic email signature. I soon realized how many no's you still got once you've been inducted into something like this program-- No freshman grade exclusions (that was unheard of!), no room for mistakes or 'slip-ups', no forgiveness for a low exam grade. You either made the grades, made the time, made the meetings or you were discharged, no exceptions. It was really tough! Plus, after I had obtained that title I went searching for the next one that I thought would some how make me feel complete. I decided then that I wanted to transfer somewhere I considered "more prestigious", somewhere more exclusive as a whole. I had the best of what TAMUCC had to offer me and once I got it, I wanted more.

Sometimes I'll catch myself saying I transferred to the College Station campus because I loved the atmosphere, the traditions, the uniqueness, the change of scenery. The truth is, I thought I had outgrown Corpus. I had never even toured Aggieland before I applied. I had visited friends a few times, caught a few football games & seriously, didn't understand the yells or terms they deemed normal here, it freaked me out a little & I was not fond of making a fool of myself by screaming something that had no understandable meaning to me. I transferred because I was striving for another label 'Aggie'. And I got in, again.

As the avid followers of this blog or close friends of mine know, I ended a pretty serious, long-term relationship because once I got my eyes set on something bigger than myself, for a change, I wanted to say no to everything stealing my attention away from it. Then it was in my power to say no. I can't imagine the hearts I hurt in this learning process. I said no to every eye that took a second glance because I was in such a broken place that only the Lord could save me from myself.

Ultimately, to wrap this up, no's hurt but
God never tells me no.
He tells me yes. He provides & guides & comforts.
He tells me to be patient because He has something better in store.
He tells me not yet.
He makes promises then gives me hope for an eternity of Him fulfilling those promises.
He doesn't offer a label to follow Him, He offers a lifestyle & I desperately want that more than anything else. I won't say "no".

Attention to Detail

I'm not proud of this but I'll share because I think it's important to realize flawed things about ourselves & turn our sight to a God that has no flaw.

So I head to a class that seems optional to me at this point in the semester since everything that has counted for a grade is now completed. Against my college urge to skip it, I go.

Today we were talking about negotiation. He begins with a blunt, "raise your hand if you are in a relationship". Seriously?! Can you make the single life a little less glamorous, please? I was seriously so in shock at his question, I barely even internalized it enough to react had I needed to raise my hand anyway. This was such a simple question but it really bothered me, the way he so non-chalantly asked it.

After a grueling discussion on conflict and negotiation in relationships, which I quietly excluded myself from, we were split into pairs & given a paper with directions not to show anyone else. Each person in the pairing was given a different scenario or "role" to step into argue for and we were to find weak points in the opposing argument/role to argue against.

My role was one of a research biologist. I was asked to aid the government in developing a synthetic vapor that can help neutralize the nerve gas that has sprung a leak and is anticipated to kill several thousands of people on the States' West coast and surrounding islands. The chemical calls for pieces of a specific orange. The problem is there are only 3,000 of these oranges on the entire planet and my partner is also in need of them. I was allotted $250,000 to pay off my partner in order to buy these oranges.

My partner who happened to be a guy I had never spoken to in my life, had a completely different scenario desperate for these specific oranges. He went on to explain how he was a medical missionary aiding pregnant women in an undisclosed area with a certain disease that was causing serious birth defects to their unborn children, often leading to hardships for both, mother and child. While they had come up with a way to subdue this disease, in many cases, there was no cure. They needed the oranges to send the medicine into mass supply, in hopes of catching the disease early and preventing further contamination.

This is when I realized that out of the 15 or so groups, we were the only guy/girl match-up. I felt as though as a woman, these women needed a female taking a stand for them. I love babies, I don't want to see anyone hurting in that beautiful process of life. On the other hand, my case was extremely time sensitive and would undoubtedly kill thousands of innocent and situationally ignorant lives. So, I negotiated with the best persuasive charm I knew of & tried to present the main facts in a brief-get-the-point-accross way.

We agreed that I would get all 3,000 of the oranges and that we would both look into getting more into production. I won. I was proud of myself until I realized how I had looked over the intimate detail of which part of the orange each of our studies needed. We needed completely different parts! I had gotten so bogged down with the objective of winning, I completely overlooked the key factor in each of our stories.

Our decision affected lives because of one small intimate detail. When called out, we felt awful. We had been so proud that we came to a consensus, that something was accomplished and that we never even dwindled down to talking money or payoffs. So non-chalantly, just as the way the relationship question had bothered me before, I bothered these pregnant women by overlooking important details to win something I thought to be more logical.

The point is, one, we so often overlook important factors to make things seem as we want them to. & two, when we are bothered by things, we point out the flaws in others but fail to see them in ourselves.

I am convicted by this simple exercise and hope it serves as a lesson to pay more attention to details, they can be sweet and detrimental to our lives. I also hope that when I am frustrated with something, I can call it out of myself before I accuse it in others.

Something scary, only one group had noticed that detail that allowed both roles to achieve their goal and ultimately spare lives of many more people than settling to help only one group. Wow.

Self-Prep

You know how there is always someone there telling you at the end of a long drawn out conversation about what you really want to do with your time here when it gets to the part about marriage to be patient? And then it somehow ends with a simple, "Make a list of non-negotiables you want in a husband and stick to them!"? And of course, trust in the Lord's timing. Yes, yes & yes.

You know you have either received this advice, have already drafted that list, or both.
Admit it.

Now I want you to consider another idea.

I had this one brought to my attention by a friend in ASC with me and it has been kind of an answer to a prayer I've been praying for focus lately.

What if we let go of the ideas we have about the kind of men we want and focus on the kind of woman/wife/mother we, ourselves, would like to be? What if we spent this season of singledom preparing our own hearts for the next chapter? What if instead of a season of waiting, it became a season of preparation and refinement? What if we sought the Lord each day with the intension of only bettering our own hearts, souls, & minds?

"Love the Lord, your God, with all of your heart, with all of your soul and with all of your mind."

Matthew 22:37

I don't want to be disappointed in not finding the right man, right now because it's the next step in my timeline. I want to be being proactive in the preparation process so that when that man walks into my life  & pursues me in God's timing, I will be ready for it.

So, I will prayerfully be making a list and learning more about who God is, who I am in Him and what He is calling my future to look like through that identity. The woman He will shape me into and the role I will take hold of in my family some day.

& you can bet I won't be accepting an invitation of engagement or of pursuing a serious relationship until I am so filled with truth and confidence that only the right man will even come knocking, because then I'll be ready & it won't fail because I came prepared.