You know how there is always someone there telling you at the end of a long drawn out conversation about what you really want to do with your time here when it gets to the part about marriage to be patient? And then it somehow ends with a simple, "Make a list of non-negotiables you want in a husband and stick to them!"? And of course, trust in the Lord's timing. Yes, yes & yes.
You know you have either received this advice, have already drafted that list, or both.
Admit it.
Now I want you to consider another idea.
I had this one brought to my attention by a friend in ASC with me and it has been kind of an answer to a prayer I've been praying for focus lately.
What if we let go of the ideas we have about the kind of men we want and focus on the kind of woman/wife/mother we, ourselves, would like to be? What if we spent this season of singledom preparing our own hearts for the next chapter? What if instead of a season of waiting, it became a season of preparation and refinement? What if we sought the Lord each day with the intension of only bettering our own hearts, souls, & minds?
"Love the Lord, your God, with all of your heart, with all of your soul and with all of your mind."
Matthew 22:37
I don't want to be disappointed in not finding the right man, right now because it's the next step in my timeline. I want to be being proactive in the preparation process so that when that man walks into my life & pursues me in God's timing, I will be ready for it.
So, I will prayerfully be making a list and learning more about who God is, who I am in Him and what He is calling my future to look like through that identity. The woman He will shape me into and the role I will take hold of in my family some day.
& you can bet I won't be accepting an invitation of engagement or of pursuing a serious relationship until I am so filled with truth and confidence that only the right man will even come knocking, because then I'll be ready & it won't fail because I came prepared.
Accountability. Do you have someone that is going to ask you the hard questions? Someone you vow to be completely honest with? ...even when it hurts? If you don't, I hope I will give you a small glimpse of how beautiful that bond can be and how important it is, as a young woman, to have other women living through seasons with you.
I am so blessed to have been in a small group of God-fearing, beautiful, absolutely lovely women that I wouldn't trade for the world. They have been my backbone this semester and the reason I've been able to trust in the Lord's goodness even when everything seems out of whack. I am so thankful for each of the various acts of kindness and encouragement they bring to the table and how we make one really effective accountability team. I want this for you too.
This past weekend we had our annual Aggie Sisters for Christ (ASC) spring retreat. We had a really honest, humble, hilarious speaker come to talk to us about loving the Lord and practical ways we can do that through different seasons in our lives. Her honesty opened doors that my sweet small group bounded through. We wept and laughed and talked for hours about the deep sins or struggles we allow to be kept in the dark. We commanded them into light. There is freedom in being honest and release in getting an awful secret out of your system. Man, it was hard to hear the things these girls are going through, the ways they are being eaten up in satan's lies or skin-deep insecurity. I felt so selfish saying I was struggling with focus, it sounded so small in comparison.
That's the thing though, if it's a big deal to you, it matters. You matter. Your struggles aren't meant to be faced alone so don't do that to yourself. Find the beauty in trusting someone in community with you and letting that blossom into something that will change your life forever.
Choose to be held accountable. Choose to be encouraged and lifted up through trials instead of trudging along alone.
Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.
I'm coming to realize that my worst fear is disappointment.
There was a time that I seriously couldn't comprehend the fact that Christian men would disappoint me. For some reason I made these God fearing men out to be these perfect creatures that I could never deserve. I was wrong. Christians are sinners, we all are. But at the end of the day we have Jesus as a sturdy foundation. You don't love someone because they deserve it, you give love freely because God did that for us while we were still the enemies.
So while that lesson was 2 years ago, I am currently enduring a new one.
You cannot change people.
Sometimes when I think I enjoy someone I plant seeds. "Hey are you going to Breakaway?" Other than my genuine want to know, I want them to be there. I want every guy to be pursuing the Lord in the same ways I am or more because this is what I think women deserve and I know how much Faith can change your life. Why wouldn't I want all of those around me experiencing the grace and goodness of our God? I want these men present in these Christian communities but ultimately, I can't put them there. I can't pick people I'm interested in and then try to make them into who I need them to be for me. I'm disappointed that I've fallen each time for someone I'm making excuses or exceptions for. I don't want to negotiate. I'm already disappointed and it feels worse to know not all these guys are worth the investment I've wasted on them. I refuse to settle for less but it still hurts having to learn it the hard way.
It's about how you were raised, I suppose. I laugh when I ride roller-coasters, I never scream. I cool off when I'm angry and then communicate. I always want to talk it out, I never want to miss the joy that comes in the morning when you avoid going to bed angry. I need someone that's going to cooperate not just walk out. I need someone that will stick around and make things okay again, not leave everyone feeling disappointed. I need someone that is on the same page and will meet me halfway, but again, I can't force someone to do this and the more I want it, the more I hurt only myself.
I'm afraid of being disappointed and that fear holds me in a place of insecure uncertainty because I don't trust that anyone is capable of not disappointing me.
Certainly, all will disappoint me to guarantee that my focus strays back to the only man who won't disappoint, the Heavenly pursuer who never lets me down. He so often shows me that none of these boys will ever be the perfection I'm seeking. I will be disappointed as long as I look to them for what only a King can give me: perfect love.
I am overwhelmed with anxiousness. My heart is made heavy with this anxiety. I am impatient and imperfect.
I have so much to learn & it goes far beyond college, the longer I'm here the more I don't think I can do it much longer & I'm so thankful I'll be done with school in a year (hopefully). I have never been a very firm believer that we learn valuable things in the confines of a classroom but through authentic relationships, adventure, exploration, deep intimate connections & interpersonal communication. We learn by sharing life with others, whatever that may mean. I almost feel like I'm trying to rush this useless open-a-book-to-learn theory to get to life. There's gotta be more than this...& I'm hopeful there is.
Truth is nothing, what you believe to be true is everything.
There are no other words but darkness from my perspective of life right now. I feel like I've stumbled into this deep, dark pit & I'm screaming to get out & people hear me, they come running but instead of helping, they walk to the edge, peer in and say every word to knock me down just enough to make sure I stay there. My strength is drained. My smile is weak. My motivation is running on empty. Maybe I am being completely broken down for a reason, to start from scratch. Maybe there is a reason I feel the need to let absolutely everything go, whether I thought I wanted it or not, longterm. I can't have options now. I cannot want. It's not my life, not my plan.
Now I'm exhausted. I'm just laying in the cold, moist soil, wishing to get out but not moving an inch. I'm just laying still, listening and hearing everything except the message those voices are drowning out, "You're critical" it resounds in my head. & whenever I think or write or say anything I think I'm critical. Too often I let the things other people tell me be internalized & it ruins me to them, it ruins the perception I believe they have of me. Once I'm aware of something, I can't escape it, just like the feeling this pit gives me- no escape.
I think I'm dreaming, maybe. Or maybe I'm not dreaming at all because when I wake up I don't feel any better & I still haven't moved. I'm still stuck in the exact same place I've dreamed of fleeing.
I hear my mom telling me to get up and do something for myself. She tells me I put too much emphasis on things like graduating on time & who cares if I here stay longer.
But
the thing is.... I care.
I care about things that may not matter to anyone else. My dreams have outgrown this town, yet I stay in hopes that it will be for a reason someday. I'm running and not talking a step, going nowhere fast.
I'm stuck in insecurity, in fear, in shock, in feeling as though God is ruining all of the plans I've made to teach me which plan to really depend on.
"Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
Matthew 17:20
...Jesus? He is light & only He illuminates this dark-feeling path of mine, little by little, step by step, until one day I'll join Him & discover it all. Until then, I pray my faith in His plan will grow bigger than that tiny mustard seed and that He will be my only escape from this pit in life.
I pray He carries me whenever I feel stuck. & I pray that His voice commands the others to silence & that again, I will listen & internalize what it says of me.
Man, I have something really complex to say. It's been beating against these pages for days, racking up the drafts-nothing being finished or published, it's always lacking something. Sounds like my life as of late, actually.
I feel that most college aged women start feeling the pressure of figuring out what they want out of this life & are hesitant to admit they just want to be wives, they want to be mothers, they want to be missionaries or hold down whatever careers, but they always want companionship. You never hear someone with convincing excitement exclaiming, "I can't wait to graduate & spend the rest of my life alone!" We were created to yearn for someone else, I believe it.
I hear the pressure is worse in the Southern states (according to my German friend), I believe this. It's the way we are raised, we find pride in being the binding in a God-fearing, country-style, big starry sky ranch kind-of-life. We want to be the wives that have everything going on, the hot Southern mom, with the dreamy, Godly, successful man. We want to be wanted. We want the rock & the kids, the house, the kisses, the family pictures, all of it, it's not ridiculous. We are more than willing to take on the submissive role in whatever context-- the housewife, the behind the scenes support, because we think that's what it's like to have it all, the perfect life. We have to start young because we're in college, the prime place to meet a variety of great looking, athletic, driven, involved, intellectual, potential significant others & let's be honest, we may never look better than we do right now. We want to be attractive so that others can be fooled by our masked smiles that scream we've got it all together, we are fine alone but we'd rather not be.
Ben Stuart, leading Breakaway's series on Song of Songs- "Dating, Marriage & Sex", says that men are built to have the um, lustful desires? that they doso that they hurry up and come to conclusions about settling down with a girl. They aren't like us, attached women. They need to be yearning sexually in order to pursue something more than instantaneous gratification, to feel a desire to want more with someone. I hope that doesn't sound bad because I believe it, it makes perfect sense to me, probably better from Ben's mouth than mine, I butchered it, forgive me.
I'm glad God created us the way He did. I trust He knew what He was doing & that it was good, it is good, I believe it.
Now, while I do want these things, ideally. I don't want them now. I don't want to be engaged or married or having kids now. I don't even really know if I necessarily want to be in college right now. I want to be focused, whatever that means, on something other than finding a man, yearning for something other than getting ahead of ourselves. I don't want to expedite something that cannot come to its logical ending in the next year or so. It's the awful single stage just out of reach of anything I want. I can't reach the logical ending and I can't go back to the beginning before I started itching for something more, an exclusive companion. It's too late, I believe it.
That's when God grips me instead. I haven't lost in this fight. He's won it already, it is finished. The struggle is in myself, in my determination, in my surrender to His plan for settling down or not, whatever He may have in store, which is much better than what I know to want, I believe it.
I still want that companionship but I'm so tired of thinking it comes in the package of these ill-intentioned, forward, perverted, immature, drunken boys that think it's so funny to talk to women like they are objects made to please them. I don't want it. I don't want to be associated with it & I don't want to like any of them while I'm in the mode of thinking that if we were dating they would act any differently. I am so frustrated.
There is someone out there that is present in these lessons God is teaching me because he is active in a community of believers that hold him accountable to his decisions now & make him aware of how they will effect him later. I won't settle. I won't give into all the temptation throwing itself at me. I don't want to focus on anyone that steals my attention away from pursuing the Lord. I want to be encouraged along the way by someone running this eternal race along with me, that grabs my hand when I slow down & helps me to keep going. I believe this is attainable & worth waiting for.
I am strong & the Lord, alone, is enough for me.
He has perfect timing.
Tonight, my mission team called for a meeting. We sat surrounded by those I already care so much for and prayed together about the support raising process, the people we've gotten to catch up with, our fears, the people we will get to interact with this summer. Ultimately, we prayed for all the ways God is going to prepare and unite our hearts before we go & while we are there.
I peered out over our circle of desperate servants in the midst of prayer and my heart was so joyful. I am right where I am supposed to be in life. I am encouraged by this fellowship, this community, and the ways we are able to just hit our knees, bow our heads and simply, pray. Many people risk their lives for what we are so freely able to do. I found a moment of peace, like it was out of my hands & it was good. It is good. He has a plan & I am so thankful.
Truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for,
it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.
For where two or three gather in my name,
there am I with them.
Matthew 18:19-20
I love how quickly strangers bond over a common goal, ordinary people striving to know & make known an extraordinary God. It's so so beautiful. I am so excited and though I don't always know how God will manage to work it all out I trust that He will & He blessed to see how sweet He has made the process of preparation.
