There are Knots in this Heart of Mine...

I feel completely trapped in the midst of holding myself up to the Christian standard & not letting myself get walked over and taken advantage of. I want to vent out the grueling details of what has been going on throughout this past week but I know it wouldn't be right. There is no possible way to tell how I've been mistreated, lied to, taken advantage of in this job of mine.

My emotions are getting the best of me and my stomach is in knots.

How I feel is beyond explanation. Everyone wants me to be mature and handle things for myself but then they go behind me to discuss the problems instead of treating me like the adult they want me to be.

I love my family. I'm glad I have a support system that stands up for me and guides me when I am in need. I am glad that at the end of the day they forgive me when I am wrong and when I am disappointing because I am the little girl in those pictures on the mantle, I am still just that little girl, learning how to be someone in this big ol' world. I'm sad that they have been drug into this bad situation by people other than myself but I am glad they had the big and bold words that I couldn't find the heart to say, even when I needed to.

Thanks God!

Don't get Ahead of Yourself

I could go on and on, telling you the grueling details of how my internship this summer fell apart, how my boss forged my time-sheets and how I knew within one week of doing it that this wasn't a career I could pursue any longer. I could tell you about the events building up making design school after college look better and better.

Or I could tell you how the "action" in my devotional last night was to make a list of things I seek in a potential mate, write it down, pray about it and watch as the Lord answers those prayers. This list also made me take a step back and evaluate a serious inquiry of myself in order to gain these qualities in a man some day.

I want a love that is unconditional, without worry or fear or holding back.

I want to look back when I am sixty or seventy and say that we are more in love then than ever. I want the only un-exclusive thing in our relationship to be the overflow of love and growth within that love, that it is known to be from the Lord and nothing else.

I want every worry or trouble I have in life to fall away when I am in his arms because I am accepted and loved and respected and cared for in ways unimaginable or explainable to anyone else in the world.

We can be splintered, "broken up with" because when we are hurt after having surrendered pieces of ourselves to others and they hurt us, they take them. I don't want to be splintered off again, I want a whole heart to give. I'm keeping it to myself until he comes too. God will show us both, he will give me his complete heart and we will become one flesh because we gave it all to one another.

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." 
Song of Songs 


"Racing ahead of the progression of love always costs something."
Rob Bell, Sex God

Example Through the Ages

"This summer I served at this camp that set my whole life into perspective, Camp Eagle, the most amazing Christian adventure camp. In these three weeks I realized that the reason I was even there at the camp doing what I was doing and believing the things I do today is because of one of my older sisters, Danielle Fisher. She has inspired me through the simple actions of her everyday life. She makes me think about what the Lord has in store for me. Honestly, she is the one that has really showed me who Christ is, what it means to believe, & how to make him a part of your daily life."
- Written by Alyssa, my younger sister.


This is a BIG deal to me. I am so blessed and humbled by this. I hope I am an example of truth, that life is hard and I am sinful and FAR from perfect but that I love the Lord and that shines above all.

The "S Word"

, Warning: Blunt, mature content, prepare yourself. Maybe...or maybe I'll sugarcoat it. I don't know.

The S word: sex! (oral sex is sex too)

True love waits. It may sound naive & we may have the rings that proclaim it & choose not to wear them on occasion for that reason, but it's true and it's not something to be ashamed of.

True love, a love that is centered around Christ has no intension of making sex the focus of it. Sure, we are sexual beings, made in the image of God, but we are sinful and we don't always keep the things the Lord made to be sacred, unshared. Please, save SOMETHING, don't share everything with anyone who hasn't made a lifetime commitment to you.

I wish I could say my life was free of temptation, but gosh it's not at all. I wish I could say I have made the right decisions every single time when it came to relationships and that I had never had a man in my bed with impure things going on between us. Maybe it wasn't sex, maybe it was only a kiss -- but what were our intensions behind our time in that bedroom? I know better but for some reason, I'll find myself in compromising situations that seem impossible to escape.

At the end of the day we have to stand firm in our values and beliefs, even when it is hard, trust me, it will be hard. Don't negotiate the desires of your heart for the desires of your pants or the desires of your reputation. It is not a negative thing to be the "good girl/guy". There are people out there worth waiting for and that won't pressure you into moving forward physically. It's gonna be worth the wait, even if it simply just gives you more of an opportunity to focus on the Lord in your own life before you can stand firm in a Godly relationship.

SRT: Silver Ring Thing, it's a Christian tour speaking out about abstinence. At the end of the sermon, after the skits & testimonies, attendants are encouraged to purchase a ring and join the world-wide chase after saving something for the marriage bed: sex. I have one and I take it off, I lay it down and forget about it because it's easier. If you are struggling or approaching an age where you are having to make tough decisions about relationships, please look up the tour dates and check this out: I am going to look it up and take my little sister so that I can go again and be reminded why I should be living a life that is corresponding with the life I strive for and seem to be living out.
Silver Ring Thing Site

It's not a ring that makes a decision, but it's a reminder.
It's your life, how much are you going to throw yourself around before you realize you're worth more.

Agape.

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." 

I have been choking on that phrase a lot lately. I find myself wanting to do or say things that are hurtful to others when there is absolutely no reason for it, particularly those that have in some way hurt me in the past. At times, I will catch myself playing the blame game in my head for hours. It usually ends with me seeking out good memories represented in pictures or notes or feelings to make myself feel less guilty, which, in reality, usually just brings a tear or two to my eyes and stirs up the reminder that love wasn't enough and that no matter how many times I rip things apart in my head, asking all the hard questions, it won't come back to me and be what I need it to be no matter how much I (sometimes) wish it would.

But that's not true, is it? GOD'S love is enough. But I'm just a speck of a woman in this world & my desires overwhelm me. My heart's desire for that Heavenly unconditional love is what I seek in men & I am consistently disappointed because they will never fulfill that for me. We were made that way, to desire the things only the Lord can offer because well, He is jealous and desperately desires our attention for Him. Of course He created us to desire what no one else on this earth can give us, it leaves us no other choice but to turn to Him and it's good. But there is also a desire for attention and too many times we forget to live lives that are worthy of that attention from others. If you want the attention of a Godly man, you must be leading a Godly lifestyle yourself. We must let go and learn to agape. 

Agape: a form of love that only gives, does not take or seek, just gives - unconditionally, asking nothing in return.

It all comes down to the fact that I can't change people, I can't make someone different or force them to learn the things I know the Lord wants to teach them. Lord, take my desire to control things away. Strip me down, make me new, give me a head full of positive and loving words.


What if nobody told you anything but positive things about yourself?
How would your perspective of people change?
What if you did the same unto others?
What if you forgot the boundaries of love to agape, to give?

I'm a firm believer that if you treat someone as though they are the most wonderful person in your life, that is exactly what they become.

"The Lord was with Joseph, giving him success in all he did."

Genesis 39 (read it all!)

Imagine if you made it a priority to just let go of the past hurt, surrendered to the life of love that Jesus offered an example for us to follow, & only focused on giving, whatever that may mean. No matter what, even when it's hard -- through the Lord, you will succeed. Agape. 

(I think I'm done with my pity party.)

"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

Luke 6: 38

What used to be

Sometimes I'll find pictures, love notes, or something that brings memories of you & I flooding back into my head, breaking my heart all over again.

Some days are harder than others. It's been a rough day. 

"Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart."

I could delete it all but it wouldn't go away, you wouldn't disappear. I could fade away if you said the word but my heart would be left smashed on the floor, exactly where it lies now, too afraid of making it worse by mopping it up.

The Many "Why's"

I don't want to write this blog so people to feel compelled to read it, or feel they need to understand it - but for those who are curious and never ask, or perhaps for those who have been in my shoes and know what its like - that's why I'm writing. I once read a journal that said, "We write to relive the past" and while to a certain extent I can admit that is true, I mostly believe it is to vent, to release pieces of ourselves from the system overwhelmingly processing it within us. To let it out for ourselves, the writers. It helps to sort out this mess, which is our lives. 

I came across another blog today called My Interrupted Fairy Tale and scrolled months and months earlier to figure out the situation and start the following journey for myself. I feel as though I am invading, her life becoming mine. I tear up reading through Chad's sickness and the dreams of a relationships genuine love-filled future fall apart. I can't hold back when I read of Chad's passing, the holding on until all family has been there and imagining telling a loved one that it was ok to let go now. 


I am completely heartbroken for possibly the third time in my life for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with me. People in this blogging world are not just telling stories, they are spilling their souls and this is their real life, losing babies they have only known for 36 hours, overcoming hardships, forgiving family for starving family members they are tired of taking care of, or watching the man they imagined growing old with lose his battle to Multiple Myeloma. It's so painful, sometimes I don't know how we survive it. 


Maybe we write to fully understand the emotions we are enduring. Maybe we write to feel as though someone may see it and mop us off of the floor or maybe we write to tell ourselves that we are allowed to feel broken, completely unfixable, in the lowest valley ever molded. We write to be less lonely in our heartbreak, in our trials and in the most devastating moments in our lives. As we click 'share', we pray that maybe if we document it, it won't ever happen again. 


Really, go back to any blog and scroll to the beginning, press 'Older posts' until you run out of pages and then read the first entry, the initial introduction to the world: You'll find some life changing story, whether it is obvious or hidden within hinting language, there's a story there, a breaking point that led to this venting, led to release this version of these unbearable burdens.


Maybe it's the healing process that truly intrigues people, 
wandering hearts that think, 
how could I go on had that story been mine?
How could I sleep asking myself, will the man beside me be alive in the morning?
Will my tiny newborn baby breathe through this night?
How can I say goodbye?
God, why me? 


There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the Heavens;
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for ward and a time for peace.
What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He had also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-12


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