Journal

Most of what I write, I write publicly.
Most the things I think, I keep to myself.
Just things I'm noticing about myself.
I am living in a season of learning and I have discovered a lot I hadn't discovered about my identity here.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellences, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Philippians 4:8

I have this journal, it has perfectly worn binding that gently conceals aged, coffee stained, crinkled pages that could potentially hold a great story. It had a single string that wraps around it, tying the cover closed, looks almost foreign, looks like it belonged to someone else and it's oddly thrilling. I have had this journal for years and yet, it remains completely blank, freed from the restrictions of a certain genre, completely ignorant of what's been going on in my life. I have yet to have found something I feel a deep enough passion towards to justify stealing the purity of this journal.

Maybe I like the idea of having something to look forward to, something of value to fill those pages with and share someday. Maybe I've been waiting for something to completely devastate my life, that I knew would be long-term.

God has been devastating my life lately, and not in a sense of sadness but in a sense of urgency.
I have been overcome with a deep longing to do more for His Kingdom, more that will have eternal value rather than momentary pleasure, I want to plant seeds for Him to sow. Ultimately, a year from now, I don't want my life to look at all the same.

Things I thought were important suddenly seem very small. I don't care much for to-do lists or having an exclusive boyfriend, I don't mind being single and getting to focus solely on the Lord's will for this period of my life. It is good to even put myself aside. It is good to have no other ambition than to see God's Truth proclaimed.

I have been striving on a prayer to develop a heart for the lost and a desire toward missionary serving in an international context. God has been providing this in such humbling ways. Even as I stood in church on Sunday, witnessing foreign exchange students from Africa, from Asia, from villages and with ancestors unable to legally serve a God, be aware of a hope for eternity. To see these students lift their hands in worship, see them barely speaking English but still shout the words of songs about the goodness of God, I began to tear up. I was broken in a desire to reach more people that did not know of a Spirit of joy. I was broken with ignorance I had lived in for so long and humbled in thankfulness that I am being allowed an amazing opportunity to serve this summer in a context of exactly what I had been praying for. Goodness, that's it, faithfulness to His children, His followers, His beloved.

& so, maybe I've found reason enough to finally break out that journal and write of this calling on my heart, write of the ways the Lord has answered long-time prayers & ultimately get to log experience I've suddenly stepped into that makes everything else seem so very small.

Set your minds on things above, not on things that are on earth.

Colossians 3:2

Making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find knowledge of God.

Proverbs 2: 2-5

Vision

Lord, my plans seem so small in comparison to the glimpse of what you have in store. Your goodness & faithfulness astounds me. 

After a summer serving as a River's Edge Counselor at Camp Eagle in 2010, I felt like I had a firm grasp on my faith & God had given me a foundation to continue to build upon through relationships attained and lessons endured. 

Camp taught me what it meant to be bold in your faith, even when it was hard. I learned that Christian men were imperfect & found the beauty in accepting their wonderfully flawed ways. I made more than connections or community, I gained a family of support. I also learned that letting go wasn't always easy but it was necessary sometimes. Letting go of a 'maybe' to get a glimpse of a 'definitely' was worth every price. To see God answering prayerful desires after that summer, providing evidence to His 'yes' in my life was a sweet, sweet reminder that we have desires for a purpose and that He follows through with them. 

God saw my desire to transfer to Texas A&M through.

Now He is putting into action desires I thought were lost in the future right now.

So, I am going on a mission trip. 

Literally, one day I was sitting in an area of campus I rarely roam, alone, reading The Hunger Games, waiting for a friend to leave for lunch when I am randomly approached by two young women asking for my prayer requests. Somehow our conversation turns to our hearts for missions and I find out that one of these lovely ladies is leading a trip this summer and immediately my adrenaline starts pumping. We exchange numbers, planning to meet for coffee to talk about details of this trip, instead of waiting, I hop online, find the application, and take the next week or so to prayerfully & search the depths of my soul & those close to me for answers. Somehow I get it in on the last day before deadline. 

God has impeccable timing, doesn't He? 

I meet my new friend for coffee where we mostly just share our testimonies and fears in life/potential trips, then we pray. 

I get a call for an interview a few days later. 

Now, I get anxious for interviews, like, so anxious I make myself feel sick.

I felt sick walking into the unfamiliar building. I sat in the lobby praying that God doesn't allow my fear to burden me, that if it was His will He would calm me down and speak through me. I follow two facilitators to a back room where I immediately feel at peace. I answer the questions almost without thinking at all, truth flowed so quickly and effortlessly out of me, I barely recall what was said. I know we laughed and left feeling as though a reunion with a few old friends had just taken place. I felt completely positive I would be traveling on a team this summer and I didn't even care where.

In the midst of interviews and wishful thinking, I am reading the book Radical written by David Pratt, leading me to be praying that the Lord begins to open my heart to do radical things in His name. 

I get a call almost exactly five days later that the interview facilitators loved me and that I would have my choice between two destinations, I chose and then had to restrain myself from physically exploding with joy. 

^All of that was in a span of about two weeks. Tell me that wasn't God's provision in my life?

Now as I prepare to write hundreds of letters asking for ministry partnership/prayer warriors for upcoming events in life, I am overtaken with a vision of God's plan I have never had before this moment.

I am sure that my plans are much smaller than His grand scheme of things & I am perfectly fine with waiting & depending on Him in the meantime. 

The vision on my heart shouts boldly of Christ's love for us, 

it reeks of devotion to seeking His Truth, 

it commands lovingly proclaiming His kingdom, 

making known His name, 

reaching His people. 

Forget my prior engagements, Lord, I want to chase you more now than ever before. I will share in your vision & you will see me through, even when it is beyond my understanding, God, 

I know you've got this.

Omniscience

I heard something really interesting in my WIL group (fancy name for bible study) today. 

Satan is an angel and angels don't know everything.

1 Peter 1:11-12

Basically, it is biblical that Satan in not omniscient, therefore cannot be aware of our desires until we physically speak them. 

Doesn't this bring about a new meaning to the verse warning us to be slow to speak? 

This could also be similarly related to our insecurities. 

If we stop speaking about them we will eliminate the opportunity for Satan to let his lies attack our weaknesses.

 He does not know of the things we do not speak. 

Pondering that one shook me up a little tonight, in a good and powerful way. 

So many times I thank the Lord for knowing the sincerity and depth of my heart 

because so often my mouth can't locate the words to express it.

God is omniscient.

He knows all.

By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before Him;

for whenever our heart condemns us,

God is greater than our heart,

and He knows everything.

1 John 3:19-20

And no creature is hidden from His sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.

Hebrews 4:13

Even before a word if on my tongue,

behold, O Lord,

you know it altogether.

Psalm 139:4

I encourage you to ponder this and to realize how God can use this in your life as you learn more self-control as you are slow to speak for the good of your soul. I also encourage each of you to go and 

read 

1 Peter 1, all of it.

See what speaks to you.

Drawing___Lines

I don't know how to even start this except to say,

Sometimes you have to let it be all about you.

There are lots of lines in this life, lots of boundaries we know better than to cross, rules we have established, moral code & there are things we compare ourselves to in order to ensure that we are staying between the lines drawn, to keep us safe, to guard our hearts--because people drew them to protect us, long before we could draw our own.
But then...
There just comes a time in life when you have to put absolutely every else's opinions, dreams, goals, plans, desires, and lines aside to just be. Alone. Figure things out for yourself.

I get attached to people, I hit things off with random strangers really fast and then leave feeling as though I have an obligation to them as a friend, after, which is good. We are called to love on people, encourage them and make them feel as though they are valued. I care for people, I look past a lot of things to care for them as best I can & I love that about myself. But there is also a very stern, distinguished line between caring about someone's wellbeing and caring for them in an intimately exclusive way. This is where things can often get confused. Sometimes, girls like me, the easy-going, friendly ones, are misunderstood. Sometimes people make us out to be flirty, even when we aren't interested in more than a friendship & other times, we are misunderstood because we let fear hold us back (not just us, most people do this one) --afraid to be vulnerable & get turned down, looked over, or disappointed.

I'm stuck more in the fearful stage. I try to be straightforward to avoid confusion or leading guys on but I am also so closed off. I'm afraid of letting people know me in-depth. I'm afraid of ruining the image of who people think I am, fearful that I will disappoint them. I'm afraid of letting someone into my heart, opening up to them, & being unsure, not having it reciprocated, receiving absolutely nothing in return. But lately, more than any of these things I am afraid of losing sight of what I want, forgetting to focus on where God needs me to be by molding myself to fit into someone else's plan, a potential spouse's plan.

When I said I cared about people earlier, I mean in a deep, I-want-to-live-next-door-to-you-to-avoid-losing-you-ever kind of way. I have a fear of losing people. I don't want to lose anyone I care for like I have in the past & because of this fact I can feel myself closing up. I can see that I'm less trusting as I get older and relationships seem to progress faster, become something more... long term. I don't want anyone to get close to me because I have a year left here, then we graduate and this time we don't go home, we make our own. My worst fear now is falling in love and moving away because it's what some guy wanted to do and having to re-figure my life to make sense of how I fit into what has become "ours".

I don't want to leave here with nothing or leave feeling as though much of my time here was spent in vain. I also don't want to leave here with a head full of someone else's big plans and a heart full of desires of my own either. I'm afraid of things not aligning.

Things don't end with marriage like so many people try and make it seem. There is no happily ever after. Sure, you meet the guy, you get the rock, you get married, honeymoon, establish a home base, have a few kids ...that's all, today...what happens when you wake up tomorrow? What happens if you wake up stationed on a military base in Germany & you start to miss your family in Texas?

What happens if I let everything I have wanted my entire life go on the back burner because I want...someone? Does God work out all of these details and use us despite the place we are located? the decisions we are making? Does He know we will move to California, seeking beaches and sunlight but find rainy days and loneliness, or will we in fact, be made full in pursing this? Will we be missionaries that go everywhere or stationed without say in the matter?

I wish I had some answers. I know He already knows this life and that He uses everything for His good, I just yearn for a glimpse of it. I want to bring Him glory by using the gifts he's given me but I know it has to be for me and not anyone else to follow His calling.

I also don't want fear to be a factor in missing out on anything good. See the dilemma?

Where do you draw the line?

Faithful God.

Lord, When I am weak, You are strong.

I am so thankful for the ways God has been working in my life. Last semester in my bible study group we were gently encouraged to write ourselves a letter explaining ways we wanting God to be working, prayer requests, struggles, anything we wanted to look back on later. Someone then kept the letters, which we got back months later (last week) and got to re-read and ponder upon.

I am so overwhelmed by the ways God has been pursuing me and shocked by the obliviousness I've had to how He has been working things out that I thought were big deals back then.

In my letter I asked to be thankful on even the best days. 

I wanted to talk less, listen more. 

I wanted God to be presently moving. 

I wanted to surrender my own plans for His. 

I asked for Him to make me hungry for His Truth. 

I wanted to stop being deceived my heart but, romanced by a King. 

I wanted confidence in my discernment. 

& finally I told Him, I'm ready for whatever comes next. 

Do what You will, Lord. 

Make me small to make your glory big. 

It's amazing how many of these things He has already answered. I am humbled and in awe of the plans I am starting to grasp of His, plans that are so beyond myself it's unbelievable. There are no words for how thankful I am to be internalizing His focus for my life right now & the ability to grow as we walk together & ultimately, how everyone else is becoming so small (including me) as He gets bigger. 

This journey hasn't always been an easy one but I am comforted by the fact that Christ was tempted, just as I and understands me as I am, yet can use me in powerful ways despite my imperfections.

I really am ready & excited for all He has in store and I am thankful for the ways in which He works, even when it takes time for me to notice. He is good.

God is not unjust; He will not forget your work and the love you have shown Him as you have helped His people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show the very diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through Faith and patience inherit what has been promised.

-Hebrews 6:10-12

For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in Spirit and delight to see how orderly you are and how firm your Faith in Christ is.

-Colossians 2:5

It's the Simple Things

Really,

Everyday should be valentine's day-- think about it.
Each day should be full of gentle, sincere encounters that allow us to show others we care for them.
We should tell people that they are meaningful in our lives.
We should live compassionately and handle hardship with patience, prayer, encouragement.
We should eat a little chocolate...or an entire box full.
We should make silly little cards that expose our giddy-child-like happiness.
We should go on adventures, we shouldn't need a 'holiday' to justify this one.
We should be empathetic.
We should find new and creative ways to express ourselves.
We should sing our own songs and dance in the living room or under the stars or in the rain, just drop everything else to just snuggle close.
We should let go of fear to spill our hearts out, being completely vulnerable and feel like we are moving forward rather than being judged.
We should make time for significant moments.
You should simply be joyful, feel beautiful and relax, you deserve it.
You shouldn't waste the day with wishful thinking or envy of what others have but rather, bask in thankfulness of what you have yourself.
We should make fools of ourselves.
Let go of all our worries, struggles, insecurity, if only for one night or every night from now on.
It's a time to get caught in the moment, caught in the cold, caught in whatever beautiful moment you'll never get back & make it a lasting one.

Today, valentine's day & every day, fill it with love, joy, and memories.
Memories are all you'll have left of this time in your life one day.
It's the simple things that will be the most extraordinary later.

Just Wait...

I read a post earlier from a dear friend & wonderful spiritual influence in my life that simply stated:

"Someday, we'll meet. 

But until then, strive daily to be the 

virtuous, 

beautiful, 

loving, 

kind, 

passionate woman 

God made you to be."

-T.D.

This meant that much more coming from a man. What a beautiful reminder it is that we, as women, don't have to strive to be something we are not- but rather, just learn to dwell in the Spirit that comes straight from God.

Don't be concerned about the outward beauty 

of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. 

You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty 

that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, 

which is so precious to God. 

This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. 

They trusted God...

(1 Peter 3:3-5)

I have been seriously convicted and overtaken with discomfort as ways I have attempted to get particular male attention has been brought into the light of my focus lately. It is a job to force people to like us. Why do we waste so much energy doing this? What is keeping me from trusting God? His plan? His timing? His will for my life? I pondered this, coming up with no good reason. But I'm tired & I can't do it anymore.
I don't want anyone I will have to try to impress.
I want someone who will want me.
I want someone who is trusting & following the Lord, just as I so we may only flourish together toward that same goal.
I want someone who will love me the same at my weakest, most vulnerable, broken moment than at my very best.
I am willing to wait.
I don't want whatever temporary gladness I may get by getting ahead to find things myself.
I want the Lord to be enough for me first & for someone to love me only through Him.
I want this for you too.
What is keeping you from trusting that He will fulfill His promises and cease your burning desires?

Trust in the Lord, and do good;

dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the Lord,

and He will give you the desires of your heart.

(Psalm 37:3-4)

Last night...
We were running a tad late to Breakaway but we didn't care as long as we were sitting in that arena, swaying in fellowship & hearing the message, luckily, only by God's grace did we find seats in the lower section. A student in a wheelchair sat beside me and as worship began, Shane&Shane challenged the men in the room to sing a different portion than the women, creating this indescribable, pure, beautiful, flawless sound. In that moment I loved this guy next to me, his voice carrying through to my ears, mmm. I didn't love HIM him but I loved the divine strength & courage that radiated from him that had no justification other than faith, alone. It was so beautiful, my heart was encouraged & I sang loud not for the competition but to let our voices harmonize together up to the God that gave us the instruments to live in harmoneous love just as our voices did in that particular moment.

It was such a simple, vulnerable, real moment, yet, I was drawn to him. It was the dropped guard or perhaps the way he introduced himself to those around him as if he were ...normal before Ben began speaking.

But that's the thing...he wasn't "normal" and it had absolutely nothing to do with the chair he was confined to. You aren't normal. We are extraordinary in an ordinary world, we concentrate so hard on trying to squeeze into the ideals society teaches us is beautiful or worthy or desired but we are called to rise above that and realize that His ways are better.

Be patient, child. You ARE beautiful, so very beautiful and you will only be made more so with a joy, radiance, & peace that comes from above.

Now, girls--
wait on the men, wait on your desires to be answered & trust that they will, wait on the Lord. But until then, strive daily to be the 
virtuous, 

beautiful, 

loving, 

kind, 

passionate woman 

God made you to be.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful, 

I know that full well.

(Psalm 139:14)